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Finding it hard to get past what he did and to stop the anger, even though I walked straight into it


kolfan
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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Hi,

I am new to the forum.

 

Not really sure where to start. Here goes. It is a long post and I hope you don't get bored reading it.

 

I had an intense 'relationship' with a married man which lasted over a year and ended recently.

 

When I met this man, we became immensely attracted to each other and eventually he won my over my affections, despite my knowing it would be wrong because he has a wife and two children at home. My attraction to him was so great and I could not resist the charms this man brought and at the start I never fully contemplated the consequences of my actions would bring.

 

We became close emotionally and physically, and he began calling me several times daily.

 

Six months into the affair he told me he had fallen in love with me, and he said his physical attraction to me was unbearable, but at the same time told me he had feared telling me this because he knew he could not leave his wife because of what it would do to his youngest son (he has two children). He had always made this clear, often crying about the prospect of 'losing his kids', and assuring me his wife was just the mother of his children, but my feelings for him allowed me to continue in the hope everything would go away and eventually I'd get the strength to end it with this man.

 

But I never truly believed that his children were the real reason for his not leaving. I was sure this was a cover to allow him to continue his affair with me without feeling guilty about going back to his wife.

 

In the back of my head I thought he was a walking cliche, and that he was using his children as an excuse for not to leave his wife. I was certain what he really wanted was to be with his wife and have me on the side (cake and eat it!) despite his declarations of love and how much it pained him when we were not together. I frequently challenged him as I was very angry at him for his apparent disregard for his wife, and it concerned me what kind of man he really was. I became very depressed and wanted badly for it to stop, but at the same time I didn't, but in my head I knew what I had to do was to end it with him.

 

But then I began to feel that he had a deep love for me -frequently dropping things to be with me when he could, frequent texts saying he loved me- even in the middle of night when it was deemed risky- his frequent calls to check up on how I was, continued to validate my internal arguments for continuing. When he called me I forgot everything else and all his baggage. He was calling me when he should have been calling his wife, and it felt like it was my husband calling me while he was at work. Trouble is, I knew everything had been built up during the day only to come crashing down again in the evening when I was yet again reminded he was not coming home to me, but to his wife and children.

 

Despite the pain of what was missing from our 'relationship', I gradually became convinced this man did really want to be with me and not his wife, and if there were no kids involved we would be together properly. He had told me as much. I started to place trust in a man who was lying to his family; he even told me that although he kept secrets from his wife, he did his best to be open with me.

 

When I asked if ever his wife discovered our affair, would he do something as awful as never contact me to tell me it's over (going with the theme that he has to go back to her to keep his family together!) and expect me to guess. He'd said he'd never do something like because of the pain it would cause me.

 

Now for the shocker. It's even more embarrassing than what I've already confessed to you here. Quite recently, I got a phone call out of the blue from his wife. She told me she had found out about our affair and told me never to contact him again, and that he'd told her everything. On that day I had received a cheery phonecall and nice texts as per usual. It came as a complete shock.

 

I was shocked and appalled that he had not called me up personally to tell me what I already anticipated (that he'd drop me as soon as she found out).

 

Ever since then, I haven't heard a thing. Although I try to get past it and accept he is a sh** bag I cannot get past the overwhelming feeling that he was lying to me the whole time during our affair. I believe now that he didn't love me, because otherwise he'd never have done this to me. I suffer daily from the idea that he didn't even respect me enough to tell me himself, rather, he let his wife do it.

 

The resulting feeling is anger and pity that he is so spineless. Friends initially told me that I shouldn't feel pity for myself because I put myself in the situation, and tell me not to focus on why he did this, and whether he loved me or not, but I can't help thinking of it. I can't help wondering how he could hurt me like that even though I shouldn't really be surprised because I knew he was cheating on his wife.

 

I can't help feeling that the affectionate and loving things he did and said were not true, and it pains me to the core. Was he using me? What did he really feel? Is he thinking of me or missing me? It may be that I am more angry with myself for believing the stuff he said. Then I think maybe he meant what he said but at the end of the day he had to do what he did for his kids! It's killing me that I have to overanalyse these issues but I can't help myself. I think about it all the time, even when am busy trying to get on with my life.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

If anyone's been through a similar experience feel free to share it with me.

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What made you continue this relationship when you knew it was wrong because he was married? You say he 'won over your affections' but that doesn't alter the fact that you made decisions in this situation.

 

I am sorry you were hurting but did you stop to consider that other people would be hurt if he did leave her? - not just his wife but his children. He doesn't deserve them apparently but that is not the point at the moment.

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I have been where you are. But the man I was seeing never told his W. I simply ended it.

These men who cheat on their wives are indeed weak and spineless. So weak that they need not one but TWO women to prop up them and their egos. Your MM is a text book "cake eater". Don't worry if he ever loved you or meant what he said. The ONLY person he loves his HIMSELF. NOt his Wife, not YOU...but himself. And don't be shocked if you hear from him down the road as if NOTHING ever happened. That will be your chance to slam the door in his face. Right now you're hurting because he didn't hold up his end of the bargain and your feeling stupid for not dumping his sorry ass when you should have. Guys like him always resurface. Just be prepared for when he does.

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Out of curiosity, does that woman still try and contact you?

 

Yep. She stayed in contact with me until June 2005 when I started dating my next girlfriend. I cut any and all contact.

 

Now she just drives by and waves. Actually goes out of her way to drive by me, etc... in order to wave. It's funny.

 

On the other hand she tells mutaul friends the affair was all my doing. I had this fantasy going, etc...

 

Whatever gets you through your day...

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Been in a very similar situation. A couple of years ago I was dating an ex that has a girlfriend of six years. He is helping her raise a child that she had in another relationship. Even though he wasn't the bio dad he claimed to feel responsible for the child. He told me all of the same things, he loves me more, more attracted to me, wants to be with me, but can't leave the child alone. He also said that he would leave his girlfriend when the child was out of school for the summer and their little family could move to a town where extended family lived. We carried on the affair for about six months. As the time approached for him to leave her guess what? He dropped me like a hot potatoe! Fortunately i've never lost any sleep over the matter because he is a complete d--chebag! Now I look back and deeply regret getting involved with him. Not because it has hurt me, but because I so blatantly disregarded the feelings of his girlfriend. He and I were both wrong, she and her child were innocent.

Our situations are pretty similar. I ended up talking to him after he ended it with me, which it seems like you haven't had the chance yet. He had always told me he was only staying with her because of the kid. However, when I talked to him he finally admitted that he did love her a lot and even though he loved me, what he had with her was more important because she was family. Basically he was bored in the relationship and I was there to spice up his life for a bit. Sounds like your guy might have felt the same. Feeling all giddy and in love is an addictive. He probably got with you and was having a great time. He probably felt very happy and giddy about you. Those feelings were at the front of his mind. But, when his wife found out he probably realized that seeing her hurt made him hurt. He probably feels so guilty for betraying her and being a bad husband and father. That's why he is not talking to you now. If he really loved you so much he would make an effort to contact you once more to say sorry. It could be that he feels guilty for hurting you too and is avoiding you because he knows your fears were accurate. Either way, I think what is key is that he is a bad husband and father and you want to stay away from that. He is an attention seeker and needs other people to make him feel happy with himself and his life. He would do the same thing to you. And trust me, as soon as he gets bored again he will come back and tell you that all of the things he said when you were having the affair were true, that he loves you, blah blah blah. Mine did the same thing a few months ago. I told him to take a long walk off a short pier. I hope you do the same.

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Thanks to all posters, particulary Shenn and Sweet Venus.

 

Why would this man be so spineless he couldn't be bothered to apologise/tell me himself? Doesn't he have a guilty conscience?

 

What makes you think he will contact me if he hasn't done so by now?

 

Confused.

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You are welcome. I think he will contact you again because he is the type that gets bored in longterm relatsionships. He needs excitement. Given time his relationship with her will mellow out again. It's going to be more passionate for awhile because of the cheating (arguing, jealousy, making up, tears, etc.) and all of this passion is going to be like a drug for him probably. It will bring some spice back in the relationship... Let me just say, that is disgusting. Ugh! He should feel lucky to have a stable relatsionship. Anyway, eventually the relationship will calm down and he will start to get antsy again and start thinking of you. He will be like, "Oh, poor girl... I really hurt her. I should have been with her all along. She really appreciates me." And then * * * * * * * you have a new email, or text message or something like that. This is more likely to happen after he's had an argument with her. Also, he might get really sick of her being jealous, that's assuming that she is going to be more jealous now. That might drive the wedge further between them. Only time will tell. But they always come back, think about it. So many of my exes have come back around in time. Of course, the always come back around when I don't want them anymore. Probably better that way. Keep your sunny side up and start practicing a few rejection lines so you can deliver them to him when he does come back.

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Hi Shenn, not if his wife says or has said: "if you ever contact her again you're out on your ear". This man was too afraid of contacting me to even end it in the firstplace. I have to clarify that my last phone call to him was an upbeat one. His wife called me later in the day to put a stop to it all.

 

One thing that really bothers me though, and I shouldn't care , is that he has painted me out to be a temptress, femme fatale type or that I manipulated him to get what I wanted, leaving the wife thinking he was a victim in all of this. Naturally, it wasn't like that. I didn't have to make any effort at all to maintain the affections of this man.

 

The speculation of it all eats me up every day. The lies he could be telling his wife. It may be why he hasn't contacted me already. He knows I'll ask about everything that happened and he'd have to hide the fact that he said terrible hateful things about me to save his family. Eugh.

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That's so cowardly. I'd think if he was unhappy with his wife this would be a good time to vent to her about it. If it were me and I got caught cheating I would explain to my boyfriend the things that I don't like. It makes me think that maybe he wasn't that unhappy with her after all, just bored. Either that or the things that were wrong were things that his wife couldn't help. Anyway, I still think he will try and contact you, just not for awhile. And you're right, part of the reason he isn't doing it now is because he feels bad about letting you down. He would have to explain himself to you and he just can't right now. Anything he will say will just make him look like an ass... And he is. But, time really does wipe the slate clean. Hopefully not for you. I hope that you hold onto the way that he has used you and lied to you. But for him, time will make him feel more confident. Eventually he won't be so afraid to get caught and he will also forget the emotions behind all of this. He will have himself convinced none of this was as hurtful as it is.

I am curious though, what was your reponse to the wife? What was that conversation like? Were you able to defend yourself? What a situation! When I was seeing that guy with a girlfriend, his girlfriend actually called me from his phone once. I was in shock. I didn't say a word, I just hung up on her. She called me over and over and I kept picking up and hanging up becuase I didn't want her to hear my name on my voicemail. I didn't want her knowing any details about me. But, he was able to cover and say something about me being a friend's girlfriend etc. So, I can't imagine what a conversation with her would have been like. Fill me in. Also, if you have time you should give me your perspective on this situation:

It is my current dilema.

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Hi Shenn, read your post.

 

First, am sorry that you're going through something like this. As you will know from our previous conversations I may not be best placed to give advice, as I continued a relationship with a man who was hurting me on a daily basis due to his situation.

 

I can't advise you on what path you should take as regards to your boyfriend. Only you can decide that.

 

However, I do know that from what you described, you should be very wary of what seems to be an extremely emotionally volatile and manipulative man. The fact he has expressed denial and then threatened suicide was extremely unfair to you. He is manipulating you and playing the victim card. He may not be doing this because he is bad, but because he is desperately not wanting to lose you as his girlfriend. The thought of it has rendered so much fear in him he has thought about what he could stand to lose. You.

 

However due to his threats, and presumably lots of tears, you are inevitably going to feel pressurised into staying in the relationship, possibly for the wrong reasons. You may stay not necessarily for the good of yourself, but for your boyfriend. This is obviously not grounds for a healthy solid relationship. You also say you are now constantly worrying you are not good enough because of previous comments he allegedly made about you. Warning signs here! You can't trust this guy.

 

Hell, you're worrying he may not even be in love with you. He should be explaining his worries to you, not girlfriends. That he behaves like this suggests he is an attention seeker and is perhaps looking for a bit on the side in order to feed his ego. He may love you genunely. But you will never be fully happy with this man until trust is reinstated in the relationship. I think you should talk to him again how all this is making you feel. If he respects you he'll allow you to talk through all your concerns about the relationship. You may end up finding it is time to create some distance between yourselves for a short time so you can truly sort your own head out. It's not just a trivial matter that is bothering you. It's the fundamental idea that you cannot put trust in the man. If you're not happy, you have to let him know.

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Well, she called me up and basically just said "I'm his wife" and something along the lines of " you have to stay away, and if you call he'll reject all your calls", even though the irony is the reason she discovered it that she found his extortionate cell phone bill. Came as such a shock due to reasons previously discussed. I asked to speak to him and she said "No, he's my husband". It was horrible. Not much else was said.

 

He knew this would hurt me. He went ahead and did it anyway.

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Maybe he did love you. Maybe he was lying. It's hard to say. All that you can know for sure is that you can't trust the word of a married person who is cheating on their spouse. By nature they have become expert liars. If a man is lying to his wife day in and day out about where he's spending his time, the woman he said his vows to, then odds are he is lying to his mistress too. I'm sorry you're hurt but all you can do from this point forward is take this as a lesson learned and move forward with the knowledge that you will never do it again. You made a poor judgment call. Learn from it and move on. And most importantly: forgive yourself. As bad as this is, you need to forgive yourself and forgive him too. Do whatever you need to do to let go of the resentment and anger that you are feeling toward him (and possibly toward yourself?). It will only hinder your progress. Good luck.

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Thank you for your response to my post. Even though I know it's a crappy situation for me it's nice to have the reassurance and some varying perspective.

It's funny we went from talking about being involved in cheating - to not having trust in a relationship after being (kind of) cheated on. It can always go both ways.

About the convo with his wife, that must have been awkward! Like I said before, leave this man to his own devices and he will ruin his life in less than five years. That's when the wife will have to come to terms with the fact that he was not the vicitim in this situation. Anyway, she is probably telling herself that so she can sleep beside him at night... Otherwise she is liable to go Lorena Bobbit on him. Anyway, thanks again.

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You're welcome.

 

It's hard to come to terms with the fact that he just sat there and let his wife call. Having slept with me all those times I think it polite for him to have told me himself. I have a little secret for you though.... I did something stupid last week.

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It's hard to come to terms with the fact that he just sat there and let his wife call.

 

I am sorry that you're hurting but I am rather surprised that you think he would treat you any differently from how he (mis)treats everyone else in his life.

 

His entire behavior screamed "coward" throughout your affair so why do you suddenly expect him to behave in a respectable manner by warning you about his wife's phone call? Or following it up with a sincere apology?

 

After all, this is a man who shown time and again that he has no regard for his wife and children.

 

Maybe he's weak and spineless but you're just as guilty as he of being weak and spineless -- just as you couldnt keep yourself from falling for a married man, he could easily justify his actions saying that he couldnt keep himself from cheating -- be it for love, for lust, for variety, for excitement -- who knows?

 

I think your friends gave you great advice -- i agree that it wont help you at all to overanalyze why he did what he did and that you instead should think about why you allowed yourself into such a messy situation so that you can avoid it in the future.

 

Just remind yourself to be glad that this liar and cheater is no longer a part of your life.

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Thank you for your response to my post. Even though I know it's a crappy situation for me it's nice to have the reassurance and some varying perspective.

It's funny we went from talking about being involved in cheating - to not having trust in a relationship after being (kind of) cheated on. It can always go both ways.

About the convo with his wife, that must have been awkward! Like I said before, leave this man to his own devices and he will ruin his life in less than five years. That's when the wife will have to come to terms with the fact that he was not the vicitim in this situation. Anyway, she is probably telling herself that so she can sleep beside him at night... Otherwise she is liable to go Lorena Bobbit on him. Anyway, thanks again.

 

Shenn, the stupid thing I did last week was call him. He hung up the phone. I didn't confess this to you earlier. I'm ashamed of myself.

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Hi Kolfan. Thanks for posting your story. I am new to this board and have come here looking for similar experiences to mine. I'm new to forums in general so I don't know how to use the "quote" feature but I'll do my best....

 

"When I met this man, we became immensely attracted to each other and eventually he won my over my affections, despite my knowing it would be wrong because he has a wife and two children at home. My attraction to him was so great and I could not resist the charms this man brought and at the start I never fully contemplated the consequences of my actions would bring."

How did you end up meeting your MM? Did he straight up tell you he was married right away? Did you know him before you started up an affair?

 

"But I never truly believed that his children were the real reason for his not leaving. I was sure this was a cover to allow him to continue his affair with me without feeling guilty about going back to his wife. "

Sounds like he used that as his excuse. I agree with you that is probably what said so he didn't have any guilty feelings for ending an affair in the future.

 

"Despite the pain of what was missing from our 'relationship', I gradually became convinced this man did really want to be with me and not his wife, and if there were no kids involved we would be together properly. He had told me as much. I started to place trust in a man who was lying to his family; he even told me that although he kept secrets from his wife, he did his best to be open with me. "

Did this man tell you that he was in love with you and wanted to leave his wife? Or did you make yourself think that and start to believe it? I think the last part you wrote about how he did his best to be open with you sounds like he was telling you what you wanted to hear

 

"Now for the shocker. It's even more embarrassing than what I've already confessed to you here. Quite recently, I got a phone call out of the blue from his wife. She told me she had found out about our affair and told me never to contact him again, and that he'd told her everything. On that day I had received a cheery phonecall and nice texts as per usual. It came as a complete shock. "

Yikes! Did he know that his wife found out when he sent you the cheery call and texts? How did she find the bill? What made her finally decide to check the bill...

 

So was she pissed when she called you? Did you admit to the affair?

 

"The resulting feeling is anger and pity that he is so spineless. Friends initially told me that I shouldn't feel pity for myself because I put myself in the situation, and tell me not to focus on why he did this, and whether he loved me or not, but I can't help thinking of it. I can't help wondering how he could hurt me like that even though I shouldn't really be surprised because I knew he was cheating on his wife."

It's hard not to feel pity for yourself. Yes, the wife was betrayed and she should be the one feeling pity... but you were played just as much as she was. Your MM was playing both of you. Now I'm sure that he is the one who goes w/o even a slap on the wrist for his actions. Things probably weren't even that bad with his wife like he said. He actually sounds a lot like my ex. Charmed me right out of my pants and talked his girlfriend at the time down so much that I thought that he didn't love her and he was looking to move on... with me. Not the story at all... later found out that he was cheating all the time. Online and in person.

 

"Was he using me? What did he really feel? Is he thinking of me or missing me? It may be that I am more angry with myself for believing the stuff he said. Then I think maybe he meant what he said but at the end of the day he had to do what he did for his kids! It's killing me that I have to overanalyse these issues but I can't help myself. I think about it all the time, even when am busy trying to get on with my life. "

His feelings for you at the time could have been very real. They could have all been lies. He could have been confused. How old is he? He could have been having some kind of midlife crisis. A 7year itch? Is he a depressed person? A lot could factor into why he is acting the way he is. It's hard to say when I don't personally know the fella. He could be thinking about you. *If* his feelings were true then he may need time to think things through. His wife may have given an ultimatum OR she may have offered to pack his bags for him. I offered to pack my bags for my husband and he did the whole crying bit and crawled right back to me.

 

In my overall opinion, I feel bad for both you and his wife. His poor wife probably had some idea and didn't really find the truth until she found the numbers on the bill. Then poor you! He made you really feel special and that he did want to be with you. I am not sure really what else to say but offer you *hugs*

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He's mid 40s, and I am late 20s. I am told in the real world he'd struggle to get a woman like me. I was simply a fantasy for him that he managed to latch onto for a while. Well, that is what friends have told me in terms of looks, status, education (he doesn't have great earning potential blah blah). I am not blowing my own trumpet. I hate myself and am still trying to figure out why I put myself in this situation with a MM, and never truly considered his family's feelings.

 

Perhaps his motivation for continually coming back to me was that I was partly fulfilling his sexual fantasies while his wife was cooking his dinners and ironing his pants.. He maybe thought to himself, about me: ' I think about her a lot so I must love her'.

 

But when it came to it , that 'love' didn't appear to mean very much, did it?

 

As for the call I made two weeks ago, and he hung up, what do you make of that? I find it very nasty, and find it hard to stop myself from speculating on the reason for it.

 

I don't know if he gets away w/o a slap on the wrist. Maybe I'll never know. I just hope his children aren't suffering as a result. I would hate to be responsible for that. Although I know there were two of us involved.In effect, I am the catalyst. That's a horrible feeling.

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He probably hung up on you because his wife was around. It wouldn't be a pretty picture if he answered and was talking to you with his wife around. Or if his wife gave him an ultimatum he may be following through with it. He may be really trying to work on his marriage now.

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Hey, Yes, he may be trying to work on his marriage. Yep, a marriage which he professed was doomed, that he 'didn't love her' and that 'he was only staying for the kids', and 'if it weren't for them, they wouldn't be together'.

 

What we must also remember is, he didn't personally end it with me, rather, he got his wife to do it! This is a very cowardly thing to do , and I guess that was the motivation for me calling him that day. I wanted to see if he'd have the guts to say 'I chose her, not you, I can't talk to you, I'm sorry'.

 

Am not proud to admit it, but this man had a brief affair only 12 months before starting an affair with me. Seeing his wife hurt in this way two years ago when she found out about it did not prevent him from doing it very shortly afterwards. How long before the jerk gets bored again and cheats on her again? Not my concern, but as for working on his marriage, I can't believe he's truly capable of maintaining that long term. When the dust settles, as another poster asserts, he's back to his old ways.

 

The more I think about it, the more ashamed I feel. This time I am using to heal is making me question so many aspects of myself, such as why I went into it in the first place, especially with all those warning signs.

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