Ex broke NC again and called - feedback appreciated!

[osterfanish]

Would love some feedback on this one, guys and gals...

 

My ex called last night while I am busy, and doesn't leave a message. Note I hadn't spoken to her since mid-February and NC had been broken each time by her through a few random emails and personal texts (and my responding a couple of those times). Last time we spoke, I told her re: the new boyfriend to not call me unless things change.

 

So, she calls. I finally said to myself, okay, forget it, I'm calling her. It must be something significant...

 

She answers my call, idle chit chat for a few moments, then she proceeds to tell me that the guy she was encouraged to leave me for dumped her, saying to her "that things are getting way too serious." And here's the kicker - she, even now, was lying about who this person was, claiming that it was someone that she met AFTER the original guy. I know this isn't true, but kept the conversation civil. At no time during the 20-30 minutes did I say that I missed her or anything of that nature. She was clearly a mess and had been drinking.

 

I couldn't help but feel a bit of satisfaction in all of this, but also felt sorry for her. Since our breakup in mid-November, and especially since the last few months when I realized she was seeing someone new, I have been going through pure hell - anxiety and meds, therapy, complete overhaul of lifestyle, curbing the drinking/partying. Making changes to my lifestyle, or at least trying. While during this time, she has obviously not done any kind of work on herself, instead jumping right into another co-dependent type of relationship.

 

Could this be a kind of closure? I'm not sure, and still need to process this, but feedback is MUCH appreciated from you all...

[DN]

What was it she wanted from you?

[osterfanish]

I'm not sure... sympathy, perhaps? There was no mention of reconciliation - she said that she would call again in a few weeks "when she feels better."

[DN]

Move on. She's just wasting your time.

[sidehop]

Emotional support...no one else to talk to. I agree with DN, she's not worth your time.

[IMAbadman]

Emotional support...no one else to talk to. I agree with DN, she's not worth your time.

 

Yep... emotional support. A familiar shoulder. I always liked that phrase I read on here a year or so ago, "Emotional Tampon".

 

DN hit the nail on the head though. Blow it off. She's wasting your time.

[Thornbirds18]

Agree. She's very selfish and wasting your time. If I were you I would go strict NC from now on.

[osterfanish]

Thanks for the responses all. I definitely agree and feel like she is pulling the sympathy card on me. I should also note that I am the dumpee.

 

It is funny how things like this work sometimes. My ex is clearly going through a similar situation that she put me through, but this is something I didn't communicate to her last night (in my attempt to be civil), and she doesn't know all of the facts. She even, in her somewhat rambling state, mentioned Facebook, deleting emails, texts from the other guy, and how she might be forced to remove both he and his friends from it - something I, ironically, did with her. Unbelievable. She is being oblivious and selfish. Not sure why I keep putting up with it.

 

If any positives are in this, it shows, perhaps that I am *trying* to be civil and move on. NC doesn't seem to working in my case, because she keeps breaking it. So, if I go back to NC, it will have to be drastic - changing my number, blocking her emails, etc. It might have to come to this, I guess.

[IMAbadman]

No, not really. Nothing drastic needed. Just ler her know you are not interested in being her emotional support. (Tampon LOL!!!) Let her know that if she wishes to pursue a relationship with you to contact you and you'll consider it at that time. Otherwise you wish to be left alone so that you can move along on your journey.

[DN]

It's funny how people can be so self-absorbed as to think the pain inflicted on them is worse that the pain they inflicted on someone else.

 

"My broken leg is more painful than your broken leg" - or even "You broke you leg? I didn't know - now about my broken leg...."

[Dubi Doo]

If you want a relationship with her again:

Be nice and tell her you would like her to leave you alone unless she wants to pursue a relationship with you, and even then, tell her to take sometime to think everything over for a few weeks and to call you after she has thought it all over. You don't want to be rebound guy. Give her sometime. You don't want her just making a decision because she is feeling emotional and needy. You want her to think it over for a bit, and then decide.

 

 

If you do not want a relationship with her:

Kindly tell her to leave you alone. Tell her you are trying to move and are seeking new people. Just be nice; don't get into any drama. If you say mean things she can flip it on you and make you feel bad, ultimately gaining control of you again. I have made that mistake. Be nice; Be blunt; Be strong. Then, after you tell her what you need, cut her off for good. It would be best for both of you if this is what you're looking for.

[FriendnorFoe]

I dont think you need to tell her anything, if she calls to ask to get back together, great, if its just to chit chat like that again dont waste your time or breath, its just to make her feel better by comforting her.

[nellyfae]

Hi! I, too, am dealing with someone who doesn't respect NC. Your story is a sucky one, because she's clearly very immature. You don't need that.

 

However, if it makes you feel better...like you, I do not initiate contact with anyone I break up with. Which, for some sick reason, seems to encourage the other party to contact me. For a long time. Like, nearly a year for one guy. Or 4 years for another one. Or 15 years. One guy years.

 

Long story short, your story helped me, because I always thought this crapola was my fault, that I was somehow driving these guys to call me...but how the heck can you do that if you're not contacting them at all? This insanity is on your ex, not you. All you can do is continue not contacting her, do not respond to her calls, emails, texts, etc., and, when you're ready, tell her to leave you completely alone because it's over.

 

Good luck to you, I think you're doing very well.

[Struggling23]

Don't say anything, i never give ultimatum's like don't contact me unless you want to talk about us getting back together, because she will think she still has you in her backpocket.

 

I always say I'm healing moving on with my life, and I can't move on with my life with you still in, so please respect my decision and voila. Trust me if shse really wants to be with you nothing you say will scare her from contacting you to bring that up.

[DN]

Don't say anything, i never give ultimatum's like don't contact me unless you want to talk about us getting back together, because she will think she still has you in her backpocket.

 

I always say I'm healing moving on with my life, and I can't move on with my life with you still in, so please respect my decision and voila. Trust me if shse really wants to be with you nothing you say will scare her from contacting you to bring that up.

But there's more to it than just that. What you should say is "don't contact me unless you want to talk about us getting back together and if I am free and interested we could meet."

[osterfanish]

Thank you all so much for the replies (especially yours, nellyfae!). It is really tough because she was my best friend, but the person I spoke to last night, I honestly didn't recognize her very much. The lies, the deception, the double talk - best friends, let alone friends, don't do that to each other.

 

I can't pretend that a large part of me doesn't want her back, but ultimately I know that the same issues would still be present if that were to happen. And if I were to type those issues out here, it would be multiple pages. One other important thing to note: we were in a LDR and her moving to a city even further away due to school/work (400 miles, total) led to an even greater strain on the relationship.

 

I like what someone said on ENA re: the person you love leaving you for new opportunities, or having a classic case of Grass is Greener Syndrome... it was something to the effect of, "... if it takes just one person to come along and easily break the bond you thought that the two of you had, then it wasn't true love or really meant to be."

 

I am leaning more towards the solution of going back to NC and keeping it as much as possible. An ultimatum of sorts was already given in regards to telling her if something changes between my ex and her new boyfriend, then to call me... and she did. But I heard nothing in her voice or words that suggested she was either sorry about what happened between us, nor asking for any kind of reconciliation. It was purely hurt on her side for being burned by the other guy in addition to the idle "how are things going" dialogue.

 

There are still two questions remaining that you might be able to help me with...

 

1) Her b-day is coming up in a few weeks - should I contact her? I was thinking a simple happy birthday text, since she did so for mine last month. She did say that she would be calling again "in a few weeks" when she feels better.

 

2) Has my control been regained to a degree again? For a while it seemed I did after that last conversation, but I am starting to doubt that.

 

Again, thank you for the time in replying.

[IMAbadman]

1) Nope. Skip the B-day. Unless of course you want more 'friend' like contacts.

 

2) Control? You can only control yourself, not her.

 

Personally I would accept her contacts. However, if the conversation isn't going where I'd wanted to (reconcilation) I would end the conversation. Especially if it was to talk about her ex... ick.

 

Again, that's why I remarked that you should let her know you're open to discuss possibilites between you two but you don't feel right about discussing her past relationships (EX) or being her friend at this point.

[tomtommyboy]

I actually can't believe she'd call you looking for sympathy about HER break-up? Can you imagine doing that yourself, calling up an ex you knew you'd hurt to say "my new gf just dumped me and it really sucks!"?!?!

 

This is the sort of situation where there needs to be a clear sign a) that she's changed, grown up, whatever; and b) that she really, really knows what she wants, and that that's you. Wait for her to make that move, to demonstrate those things. If it doesn't happen, you haven't lost anything.

 

I'd go completely NC. Yeah, forget about the birthday, unless she happens to be in touch around then anyway. You're not available as a comfort blanket, the message needs to be clear...

[osterfanish]

Thanks, all. I am going to try my best not to contact my ex on her b-day... it is early next month, so I have some time, but the more I think about it, the more I am convinced it will only open the door to her contacting me more and more hurt. Wish me luck. NC w/ a former best friend and lover is hard work, eh?

[ladybug726]

Thanks, all. I am going to try my best not to contact my ex on her b-day... it is early next month, so I have some time, but the more I think about it, the more I am convinced it will only open the door to her contacting me more and more hurt. Wish me luck. NC w/ a former best friend and lover is hard work, eh?

 

Definitely forget her birthday.

 

It gets easier.