Chronically Unemployed Boyfriend

[fakesmile41]

What does it say about a person who always seems to be unemployed? My boyfriend is unemployed more than he is employed. He is unemployed right now and not eligible for unemployment because he was not employed long enough. I'm so tired of it. He was working for a friend of his but there hasn't been any work for over a month now. He doesn't seem to be making an effort to find another job. He just hangs out all day. And I should mention that he is just fine getting a small unemployment check every week. as long as those checks are coming he makes no effort to find work.

 

Our rent is very cheap and he doesn't have a lot of bills but it's very frustrating that he never has any money to go out and do things, and not he has just asked me to borrow money to pay his half of the light bill and I think he may ask to borrow his half of the rent too. I'm so frustrated and just at my wits end. I have kept a steady job for the whole time we have been together. I don't spend a lot of money on myself and am trying to save money but it is very frustrating when much of the time I have to pay for more than my share of the groceries when he eats more than his share of the food.

 

Our relationship is great in other ways, but I can't support this man. I am so fed up with him that I just want to move out. Today. Is that wrong?

[MinziGirl]

NEVER NEVER NEVER lend money to your boyfriend. Also, he has no business taking money from you too. Unless he is married, i won't give any money to him either. A guy with a strong character will NOT ask you for money even when he has to eat from free foods coupons.

 

I had once an ex who borrowed a lot of money from me. Guess what, he broke up the relationship & disappeared right after that.

 

That is what it will be too if you lend him money.

 

My suggestion: Leave him! You want to have a balanced relationship & that includes being balanced in your finances too. If you think long term, the guy have to pay out eventually his share to the family.

 

We are not looking at a person who is out of job because of some bad luck like toe economy crisis. We are looking at someone here who has an attitude towards working hard for even his own survival.

[waveseer]

You are in a relationship with a child, not an adult.

[Alezia]

I could understand he might not have money to go out and do things (prefers a different lifestyle), but if he is making you pay his portions of the bills that's another story.

Personally, I would just leave the relationship.

[fakesmile41]

mousty- he is not making me pay them. he borrows the money and eventually pays me back but I'm just getting tired of him never having any money. it's not every month but it's often enough. then for groceries i always pay more than he does but he eats more than me. When he had some money he went and bought maybe 20 dollars worth of things for the house. and then asked me for half the money. when i often buy things and don't ask him for half, and when i do he complains about being broke. always broke.

[MinziGirl]

mousty- he is not making me pay them. he borrows the money and eventually pays me back but I'm just getting tired of him never having any money. it's not every month but it's often enough. then for groceries i always pay more than he does but he eats more than me. When he had some money he went and bought maybe 20 dollars worth of things for the house. and then asked me for half the money. when i often buy things and don't ask him for half, and when i do he complains about being broke. always broke.

 

LIke i have told you. he WON'T pay you back & you have to always pay more. You will never see that money you have given him again.

 

Also, who knows? Maybe you ain't the 1st girl whom he has done this to. If he had been always unemployed, i am sure that he have lived off other girls before. It is easy to keep a girl under a man's charm. Just make her feel special for a moment & say always sweet things (about her, of course. )

 

If it doesn't work. sob & cry like a baby & blackmail her emotionally. That works!!!

 

He is taking you for granted...

 

It was exactly what my ex-boyfriend did. Now my ex is worth less than a penny in my eyes... You can decide whether you want to keep on paying or... If you want to, then at the end of the road, you only have yourself to blame when you don't see your money coming back.

[fakesmile41]

i just said he pays me back.

[MinziGirl]

i just said he pays me back.

 

does he pays you back EVERYtime?

[WickedSunrise]

I think that if he has this work ethic now, its never going to change. You can tell him that this is a problem. If he's willing to change, decide a certain time frame in your mind and stick to it. If he doesn't keep it up you may as well find someone else because it will be a problem forever. Even if he does change, it might come back...

[fakesmile41]

does he pays you back EVERYtime?

 

yes he does. the problem here is this happening all the time and him always being broke. then when he starts working and has money it doesn't last. he ends up broke again.

[WickedSunrise]

yes he does. the problem here is this happening all the time and him always being broke. then when he starts working and has money it doesn't last. he ends up broke again.

 

He needs to learn how to save money. That's important.. You can't live life running your bank account down to the bottom.

[MinziGirl]

ok... so i am understanding that he wants to work?

 

Then you have to search for ways to have dates that doesn't involve a lot of money. Things like cooking at home, going to parks or free museum nights doesn't involve a lot of money.

 

You have to be very creative here.

 

Also, to support him all the time is not exactly a very clever idea too. Man have an internal sense to provide & not to take from his woman. In the end, if you keep on giving him money, he will end up feeling like a caged animal.

[fakesmile41]

ok... so i am understanding that he wants to work?

 

Then you have to search for ways to have dates that doesn't involve a lot of money. Things like cooking at home, going to parks or free museum nights doesn't involve a lot of money.

 

You have to be very creative here.

 

?????????? that is not what i asked but i guess thanks

[fakesmile41]

and no it doesn't seem like he wants to work. he is ok with unemployment checks.

[shes2smart]

I would find the apparent lack of work ethic disturbing.

 

No able-bodied adult of reasonable intelligence is entitled to a free (or semi-free) ride.

 

I had an alcoholic ex who was not terribly motivated to find regular work (or motivated to do the necessary things to keep a job), but was happy to leech off me while I busted my ass.

 

It gets old fast....no matter how pretty or charming they are.

[fakesmile41]

I would find the apparent lack of work ethic disturbing.

 

No able-bodied adult of reasonable intelligence is entitled to a free (or semi-free) ride.

 

I had an alcoholic ex who was not terribly motivated to find regular work (or motivated to do the necessary things to keep a job), but was happy to leech off me while I busted my ass.

 

It gets old fast....no matter how pretty or charming they are.

 

did he always have excuses about why he could not work, or say he was looking for a job when you don't think he was?

 

once his unemployment runs out and i tell him i can't support him he finds a job but it takes him a while to get paid and on his feet in the meantime i have to buy all the groceries and lend him money. i am just soooooo tired of it.

[fakesmile41]

i just feel like i can't save or spend any money because i am always waiting for him to say he has no money for rent or something. i feel like my plans have to revolve around whether or not he has any money this month and i am just fed up

[girl68]

There should be no reason he can't hold a job. Even a not so good job... it's a JOB. Nearly no one LOVES their job, it's work.

 

I mean it's one thing to be inbetween jobs becasue you're laid off but it's another to continually leave jobs for invalid reasons or wrose you get fired...

[fakesmile41]

he does construction so it's usually he gets laid off.

[AmIafool]

I have an ex very similar to your bf. He was also chronically unemployed. During our first 3 years together, he was employed and would at least look for work whenever he lost a job. It gradually got to the point where hey refused to work. This was an actual argument we had. Part of the problem was me enabling him throughout that time by always paying the rent, bills, and for food. If I bought a week's worth of groceries, it would be gone in two days. He would sit at home and eat all day. Sometimes, a friend or his brother would come by and he would share the food with him. It was so incredibly frustrating. I wound up overdrawing on my bank account many times, and that was really stressful. He would see me all stressed out and get pissed about my being upset. I can't think of a better way for a guy to be a complete jerk. He would tell me just go ask my parents for money.

 

You definitely have a problem here, and if your instinct is to leave, I would say trust that instinct. This sort of thing gets worse, not better. If you try to set limits with the finances, he'll start playing on your emotions to manipulate you that way. You'll get all sorts of excuses as to why he won't/can't find work. He'll take you for granted more and more.

 

There is an article today on link removed called "5 Traits he Needs to be a Good Boyfriend." I've copied them here for you. Pay special attention to the last one:

 

1. He Knows What He Wants

Any guy you're serious about should be able to articulate his long-term goals and passions (sorry, fantasy football and Xbox don't count). He can't ally himself with you until he has a sense of how he envisions his life in the future ... and how you fit in. "If a man has no idea what he wants to be when he 'grows up,' then it will be impossible for him to commit to you," says Dobransky.

 

Don't assume he'll work things out, because when he does, you may realize his ambitions don't mesh with yours. "This mistake has contributed to the starter-marriage phenomenon, in which couples in their 20s and 30s suddenly realize they're going in different directions and divorce at an early age," says Dobransky. "It's preventable as long as you're both clear about your plans."

 

2. He Has a Sunny Outlook

A recent study led by the University of Oregon found that women who had upbeat partners felt more satisfied in their relationships and — this is huge — that the man's level of optimism determined the relationship's staying power. Not only is it nice to have someone help you see the silver lining of a situation that totally sucks, but cheerful guys are good at keeping things in perspective, so they don't let little conflicts get to them and can go with the flow.

 

Along with having an optimistic POV, it's also crucial that the guy you're seeing can make you laugh. "It's an important stress valve for any couple," says Les Parrott, PhD, coauthor of Trading Places.

 

"Having a sense of humor helps you weather the rough patches that you'll inevitably encounter together." It shows that he is able to let loose and doesn't take things too seriously. Plus, you'll have a better time together if you can see the funny side of things.

 

3. He's Open to Changing for You

It's true you may not be able to change a man, but a guy should want to change for you. If a facet of his behavior irks you (for example, maybe he's not attentive enough in certain circumstances), he should be game to hear you out, listen to how you'd like him to do things differently, and then act on those suggestions. "When a guy is truly in love, he is more self-reflective and will work on the aspects of himself that bother you," says Diana Kirschner, Ph.D., author of Love in 90 Days. "Studies have found that successful married couples change each other quite a bit over time."

 

More important, a man needs to have the capacity to transform and grow with you — e.g., he takes an interest in going to art galleries with you, even if he's more of a couch-and-ESPN kind of guy. "If he's not willing to expand his interests to mesh with yours, you're going to outpace him," explains Kirschner. "It's likely you'll grow restless, and the relationship will become stale."

 

4. He's Still a Little Mysterious

The beginning of a relationship is always superexciting because you're just getting to know each other. But even after the newness wears off, it's essential that a man keeps you guessing. "If you can never quite pin down what makes him tick, that's actually a healthy thing," says Kirschner. Although at first you might feel more bonded to a guy who shares tons of personal info with you, over time, you risk losing the intrigue that pulled you to him initially. You might start to see him as more of a friend than a romantic partner.

 

Of course, you want him to open up about topics like his family, but he should keep some boundaries too. Relating every detail of his life (think updates on his nasty toe fungus) is relationship-killing TMI. A good gauge in the early stages of coupledom: He doesn't spill all about his pals. "It's an indicator that he understands how to keep things private," says Kirschner.

 

5. He's Responsible with Money

Besides giving you a heads-up about money-related conflicts you might encounter in the future (one of the topics long-term couples argue about most), how a guy handles cash reveals a lot about his character. Positive signs: He keeps the receipt after paying for a meal or you notice several credit-card offers in his stack of mail (it may indicate he has good credit).

 

"A man who doesn't track his money shows a lack of patience and self-control," says Dobransky. "In fact, guys who are financially reckless share many traits with men who cheat." But you also don't want to be with a tightwad. If a dude doesn't splurge now and then, it may mean he'll be stingy in other ways, such as in bed or when compromising during a fight.

[girl68]

^ Alright, but still... is that what he intends to do long term? He's got to find alternatives... I understand the industry I work in it, however- if this is only temporary he needs to find a firm that can offer him something more stable.

[shes2smart]

did he always have excuses about why he could not work, or say he was looking for a job when you don't think he was?

 

Of course he did, he was an alcoholic. First I got the sob story about how his ex-wife's miscarriage & subsequent divorce messed him up. Then it was crap about places "not hiring" (this was back in the early/mid-90's....when fast food places started offering way above minimum wage because they needed workers that bad). Then it was "I really want to start my own landscaping business." And on and on and on.

 

A friend of mine's dad owned one of those quick-oil-change places and hired him because he felt bad for me. My friend's dad treated him VERY well and cut him a lot of slack, and he still managed to mess that up.

 

once his unemployment runs out and i tell him i can't support him he finds a job but it takes him a while to get paid and on his feet in the meantime i have to buy all the groceries and lend him money. i am just soooooo tired of it.

 

And well you should be, really.

 

I don't know if this will be any consolation to you, but I recently learned a friend of ours (male) went through a similar situation.

 

He met this girl online and before he knew it, she had moved in. Mind you, he's not hurting financially (well, at least he wasn't....) -- has some good paying IT job, owns a 4 bedroom home in a nice part of town. She didn't have a car, so she got out of having to work by playing the "I have no way to get to work, there's no public transportation here" card. Then she started talking about working at home making & selling jewelry. He got her set up with materials, a website, and a credit card for her business.

 

Wasn't long before that credit card was charged up to the limit and do you think ANY of it was items purchased for the business? Oh, heck no. While he was working, she was apparently chatting to different guys online on the computer our friend had gotten for her. He later found chat logs where she'd tell these guys she was a doctor or she was living with a man who was abusing her and wouldn't let her leave the house. The girl had a very ACTIVE imagination.

 

The last straw came when she started contacting his friends and telling them he was beating her up and mentally abusing her. One of his friends called him and said, "Dude....that girl who's living with you...here's what she's really doing."

 

He only recently kicked her out...and that's when he found out about the business credit card being up to the limit and no payments being made (...and he's responsible for it....) and what she was really doing when he was at work all day.

 

Love (or what we think is love) can make us do some stupid, stupid things.

[Greedy Toad]

Simple. Leave him.

 

Loser.

[fakesmile41]

^ Alright, but still... is that what he intends to do long term? He's got to find alternatives... I understand the industry I work in it, however- if this is only temporary he needs to find a firm that can offer him something more stable.

 

i don't think he even has a real goals. he says i wanna do this, i wanna do that but he makes no moves toward anything. he never finished high school he can't do much

[girl68]

I wouldn't want a partner like that. He's not a partner in life, he's your leech- you'll resent that long term.

 

FYI it is not a bad thing to expect your partner to be self-sufficent in a relationship. It's a bad thing if you wanted him to be the breadwinner so that you didn't have to do anything. Which is exactly what he's doing... TO YOU!