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Why do you always deserve better?


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It seems whenever an Ex does something they are bad news and you deserve better...

 

Is there ever a time when people feel like yeah the relationship had problems, you guys didn't work out one person got confused made some mistakes and it made them both realize how much they do really care for each other and you both deserve to be back with each other cause you make each other happy?

 

I feel like whenever someone hurts someone you deserve SO much better, but what if you had something to do with you being hurt, but you guys work things out and deserve each other? Thoughts?

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Relationships are a 2 way street.

 

Each individual contributed in some form or another, although it's not equal parts!

 

'You deserve better'...at times is a cliche, to make you feel better.

 

Maturity will make you look at yourself and what you had to do with the downfall of the relationship, hopefully so you'll not repeat those same mistakes in the next.

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because, when someone dumps you because of something you've done they are choosing to abandon you rather than stay and forgive you/work out your problems together, and unless you're a terrible person you don't deserve to be treated like that.

If you've cheated and get dumped as a consequence then yes you're a terrible person and you don't deserve better

If you made the mistake of keeping up a wall emotionally out of fear of emotional intimacy, and your partner dumps you instead of trying to coax you out of your shell and open up, then you deserve better than some flake who got bored, saw it as too much of a challenge, and ditched you

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in my case this wall was for a long time, 2 years, and i wasnt supportive of her needs at all, when she came to me with a problem i just didnt want to hear it, told her i wasnt fighting with her...

 

She left me for someone else, but realizes how much she loves me and more importantly now how much I really love her and didnt do a good job of showing her...

 

Everyone keeps telling me I deserve better then her because she left me and didn't work through our problems, but I, being in the relationship and seeing exactly how things happened, know she tried to talk and I just had a huge wall up for too long...

 

It's hard to forgive her for finding someone else, but she really tried to push herself to be over me, we went NC for a while and here we are back trying to make it work...

 

Do i really deserve better if she treated me bad based on my not being there to support her emotionally either?

 

Now that we have talked and opened up our communications we seem to be an entirely different couple, before everyone looked at us as perfect but no one knew we had those communication issues in private, now everyone looks at us as being bad for each other but privately we are better together than we ever were..

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At the end of the day we all have to evaluate ourselves and hold ourselves equally responsible sometimes too. It's not always the X's fault, sometimes there were things we did that contributed to the problem. And if we keep going from relationship to relationship using that same tired line, we'll never learn anything.

 

I've been guilty of this and decided that I had had enough and am opting to change my ways by taking responsibility for some of these things. Even if I didn't really do anything wrong per se, the fact that maybe I supported counter-productive behavior could be another thing. My point being, that anytime a relationship goes bad it's possible that it can be both parties fault.

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If you made the mistake of keeping up a wall emotionally out of fear of emotional intimacy, and your partner dumps you instead of trying to coax you out of your shell and open up, then you deserve better than some flake who got bored, saw it as too much of a challenge, and ditched you

 

Okay....what if you are a good, wholesome person who gave their all, who encountered this and the emotional abuse that came with it (push/pull games, little insults, unwillingness to discuss and fix a problem), does it still make you a flake to walk away from an harmful situation and knowing full well that both of you for various reasons are not ready for this?

 

Not all the dumpers are bad for walking away, sometimes it is for the greater good. Just like the person with the walls up isn't necessarily bad either....However, the onus should be on the person with the walls up too take a leap of faith, as well as the person who is with them who already is trying. And besides, no one person can coax them out anyway, that's not a fair way to judge the character of someone. Sometimes the person with the walls needs to grow tall enough to see over them rather than expect a 'Knight of Shining Armour" to fix the problems. Way to pass the buck....

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i wasnt supportive of her needs at all,...

 

She left me for someone else, but realizes how much she loves me and more importantly now how much I really love her and didnt do a good job of showing her...

 

You both deserve better, and sounds like you are both getting that now, it just so happens it is with each other. That's a sign you both have grown from this experience, good for you. There was hurt on both sides, but if you are both working to heal that, and understand it takes time and effort, I think you can be stronger and closer than before, because you know the value of what you have.

 

"you deserve better" is bit of a flippant statement, b/c people don't really know your relationship as well as you do.

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I'm glad other people feel the same way, for her sake, it seems all to often that the person who walks away is seen as an evil person or something for not staying and fighting it, but like in my situation we are 22, at this point should you really have to keep fighting so hard to feel the love from someone, she kept fighting to feel the love from me and she couldn't so she walked away and made some mistakes

 

Sometimes Love just isnt enough, and now that I am showing her that I have made changes to make life better for both of us she wants to give it another try, doesn't that show love?

 

At this young age I feel like there is only so much problems you should put up with because there is still so much time to find someone who you might be a better fit for...

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You seem very honest about all of this and quite mature I might add for someone of 22.

 

I wish you the best with it all. It is brave to see the changes that need to be made but it takes a lot of courage to go back out there and try and put it right with no guarantee of it working. That said, fortune favours the brave and this might work out better for you in the end with you both being better people for it and more understanding of each other.

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Dunno. I just think if the dumpees "walls" are a problem, then you should at least mention it to them BEFORE you dump them. How are you supposed to fix a problem if the other person doesn't even mention it exists till the moment they dump you? Maybe if the dumper actually warns you beforehand you could at least try to work on it.

 

I agree....if you are left callously without a chance, then that is harsh indeed. I was referring to a situation whereby the score was known beforehand but only one person was trying their hardest with the relationship....and it wasn't one with the walls.

 

If this happened to you, I am sorry. It is difficult for all parties involved because I don't think the true feelings ever really get out there in most cases and it's a shame because special people get overlooked as a result.

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Sometimes Love just isnt enough, and now that I am showing her that I have made changes to make life better for both of us she wants to give it another try, doesn't that show love?

 

Absolutely! This is a fine example of love, and I'm glad you are sharing this. It's not just about the loving feeling, it is about the choices and actions for love. It may not be easy, but the commitment for each other strengthens the foundation of love.

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My worst dumping was when I was going through a rough patch mentally and with my career. She called it quits instead of helping me through. I deserved better but I guess she did too. It's not like we were married.

 

Blanco, I'm sorry that happened to you. In a long term relationship it is not possible for both partners to be perfect mates 100% of the time, and at times one needs to pull extra to support the other and the relationship, other times the roles are switched. Then sometimes you both are clicking 100%, and that loving feeling is radiating, other time you are both distracted by other aspects of life. But it is sad one one partner bales during hard times out of frustration.

 

Maybe that is the value of keeping an idealized version of the relationship in mind, it helps you move ahead without throwing out what you have. (Yet, it is this idealized vision that makes breaking up painful for the one who wants to continue the relationship.)

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I see a lot of people say "you don't deserve this or that" but does anyone really deserve anything at all? Good or bad.

I think it is fair to say that you WANT more/better than you are getting whether in a relationship or work or whatever.

If you work hard and think you are not being paid enough you do not deserve more, you want more for your work. The same goes for relationships. If you do not like the way you are treated then you want to be treated better not deserve it. It is a choice.

If you want a better relationship then you need to do the things that will bring that about. If you try (really try) and it doesn't get better then it is time to make a choice. Having both people in a relationship that want to make things better/stronger is the key. If you have that and the work is done by both then what else could you ask for.

 

Lost

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it seems all to often that the person who walks away is seen as an evil person or something for not staying and fighting it,

 

This is exactly why I try to resist and call out generalizations like this - because you just can't generalize. Just as no 2 people are the same, no 2 relationships are the same. Sometimes, as in the example ellandroader gave, the person who leaves does so after fighting and fighting and fighting, without getting any support or compromise from the partner. Or sometimes, as in my most recent relationship and another, the partner does something so inconsiderate and harmful that the dumper is really left with no choice but to leave - I'm speaking of situations involving lying, stealing, emotional or physical abuse, etc. In fact, if the 'victim' in these relationships stayed instead of walking away and being the dumper, they're criticized for being weak and passive and not standing up for themselves. You just can't win sometimes - but neither can you generalize.

 

 

At this young age I feel like there is only so much problems you should put up with because there is still so much time to find someone who you might be a better fit for...

 

You seem very mature for your age, Flash! I think you're right on. I've learned so far that there's no such thing as a 100% perfect relationship - *every* relationship takes work and has problems, especially marriages or LTRs. But you have to both a) figure out which problems are acceptable and manageable to you, and b) find someone who's equally willing to talk about and work on resolving problems.

 

Best wishes!

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I think that no relationships are the same. Failed relationships are subject to various reasons and rationales. But if it's the one who doesn't respect the other, doesn't fully act as if he/she loves the other, and treats the other like a piece of doormat, then the mistreated party for sure deserves better. Love should be balanced and reciprocal.

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Relationships are tough and never the same. But the saying "you deserve better" rings true for me in the sense that if one person has wronged the other, or for whatever reasons doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore, then you of course deserve better, no matter how good they were to you. Bottom line is, the one who will love you for you will never, ever leave or mistreat you, and that's when you know you've found the better person that you deserved.

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because, when someone dumps you because of something you've done they are choosing to abandon you rather than stay and forgive you/work out your problems together, and unless you're a terrible person you don't deserve to be treated like that.

If you've cheated and get dumped as a consequence then yes you're a terrible person and you don't deserve better

If you made the mistake of keeping up a wall emotionally out of fear of emotional intimacy, and your partner dumps you instead of trying to coax you out of your shell and open up, then you deserve better than some flake who got bored, saw it as too much of a challenge, and ditched you

 

loved that post..everyone should read this one!!!!!! in a few lines the essence of selfworth and what love really means

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