Sexless marriage update...

[rnmom13]

Just had to update...we will have our 1 year wedding anniversary on May 31. We have known each other 3 years in July....and still NO SEX! Can ya believe it?

 

I am afraid that we have now become "comfortable" in this way of life. He has no plans of changing to try to figure out what is going on. And I am so tired of him not caring that I have shut down and don't want to deal with it anymore. I am tired of trying to discuss it, tired of getting no real answers from him, and tired of his unwillingness to help the problem. I am tired of feeling so unimportant to him....

 

I want to say that I know he loves me....he says it daily and his actions show it also, but then again how do you do this to someone that you "love". It all just doesn't make sense.

[Keyman]

So that's no sex since you've known him?

[Capricorn3]

Has he ever given you a reason for not having sex? Has it always been this way from the very beginning, or only after you got married?

 

Sorry for all the questions, but I'm not familiar with your story.

[Sn0man]

Um, there's this thing called an 'annullment' that generally is made to apply to situations like yours. No marriage is valid until it is consumated.

 

I don't know what the deal is with him, or with you, that there has been no sex since the beginning (or even before?) your marriage, but that is no marriage.

 

I don't know what to tell you, other than what I would do in your situation, which would be an annullment.

 

That's insane

[Capricorn3]

Okay, I went back and read your previous threads.

 

I agree with Sn0man. This is hardly what one would call a marriage. Annullment sounds like a good idea, but obviously that's up to you.

 

The big question is: Why are you still with him? It seems you've done all you can to find out his reasons for not having sex, but he never has an answer. Ever.

 

Also, it seems you were well aware of this "non-sex" issue before you got married, but you still married him anyway. You knew for 3 years what it was all about and what he was like. Did you think that once you got married it would magically all come right?

 

To use your own words above: "It all just doesn't make sense.".

[poison ivy]

Wow, yeah. Isn't that what a healthy relationship is all about? I can only imagine what this has done to your self esteem.

[Nkaleidoscopic]

I would go for an annulment as well, if he doesnt want to go to a doctor or a therapist about it.

 

Bottom line, its not normal, and you should have the right to know the marriage was going to be like this before your married him.

 

Do you think its a physical problem? Have you tried turning him on? (aka walk around naked, do provocative things)

[rnmom13]

Just to clarify....we dated for 2 years and have been married for 1 year. We did not have sex before marriage because he said he "wanted to do it right this time"....meaning he wanted to wait to have sex until we were married. Boy was I sold a bill of goods.......No I did not go into this knowing there would be no sex. I went into it believing what he told me.

[Sn0man]

Just to clarify....we dated for 2 years and have been married for 1 year. We did not have sex before marriage because he said he "wanted to do it right this time"....meaning he wanted to wait to have sex until we were married. Boy was I sold a bill of goods.......No I did not go into this knowing there would be no sex. I went into it believing what he told me.

Then you were decieved. I believe you married your best friend - by that I mean you married someone who indeed does love you but is not attracted to you. I'm sorry - but unless you can resolve that with him then you have no options other than to annul the marriage. And I suggest you do it while you can, before it gets even messier.

[metafisics]

Just to clarify....we dated for 2 years and have been married for 1 year. We did not have sex before marriage because he said he "wanted to do it right this time"....meaning he wanted to wait to have sex until we were married. Boy was I sold a bill of goods.......No I did not go into this knowing there would be no sex. I went into it believing what he told me.

 

Oh wow! This happened to me too. Except I was not sold on his "lets wait till we're married story". I'm not a sex-maniac but it used to really frustrate me to be intimate in every other way without having sex. I also found it puzzling for a man to be able to resist not having sex with me for so long (it was months). After year, he started to pressure me bout getting married and I thought to myself, I cant tie my self into a situation where there is no complete disclosure of what I consider very important issues, so I opted out, without telling him the reason really cause I thought he had a problem teling him the real reason and that it would crush his ego if I did. Otherwise, a very loving guy also.

 

Perhaps he believes his problen is unfixable, hence he doesnt bother tryin to fix it. What bits me though is how he is expecting to have a working marriage without at least opening up about the "problem"

[rnmom13]

I have thought exactly what you said except he tells me on a daily basis that I am beautiful, etc. So is he being truthful and really has a problem....or is he really not attracted to me and lying thru his teeth....I just don't care anymore.

[Sn0man]

I have thought exactly what you said except he tells me on a daily basis that I am beautiful, etc. So is he being truthful and really has a problem....or is he really not attracted to me and lying thru his teeth....I just don't care anymore.

I find women that I am not attracted to beautiful. But I am still not attracted to them.

 

We can only tell you so much. What you need to do is TALK to your HUSBAND and find out just what the hell is going on. Tell him that you cannot have a marriage without sex - who could?? Tell him what's on your mind, and find out exactly what's on his. You are married to this man - there is nothing he shouldn't be able to tell you, you are his wife and confidant.

 

LISTEN to what he says, then make a decision based on what YOU can ACCEPT.

 

But you can't be hasty - your future hangs in the balance.

 

Again, from what you've been able to share with us, I would err on the side of an annullment, so keep that in mind. If it doesn't work out for you, remember that that is an option - like I said before no marriage is valid until it has been consumated.

 

But you need to talk to your husband to get to the root of the problem - and stop hacking at the leaves.

[poison ivy]

The thought occurs...could he be gay?

[Sn0man]

The thought occurs...could he be gay?

that crossed my mind as well.

[metafisics]

I have thought exactly what you said except he tells me on a daily basis that I am beautiful, etc. So is he being truthful and really has a problem....or is he really not attracted to me and lying thru his teeth....I just don't care anymore.

 

rnmom13, I'm not even tryin to be nice at all, but I would bet my bottom dollar, it as nothing to do with you. This man has not slept with you for more than a year before he married you. I admit I have not read your original post, but nothing in this one suggests it was for your money!

 

Most man would rather watch your self-esteem take a dip and their relationships disintergrate than admit they have a problem down there. Doesnt make sense, kinda remind me of Kate Winslet's Charecter in the movie Read (She goes to jail for almost the rest of her life, just bcoz she could not admit to her illiteracy) Things ego can do!

 

I agree, with the guys that suggest that he could also be gay, but has married you to mask his reality because its too risky for to come out.

 

Again it boils down to: I know for sure its not your problem.

 

Like I said this happened to me and the guy was a gentleman, and he felt he had found gold in me.

 

Talk to him one last time and as most have suggested, consider annulment if nothing comes out of it.

[lavenderdove]

Why are you still with this guy? It doesn't pay to throw good money after bad. You're wasting time on someone who basically wants a warm and cuddly roommate, but not a wife, and you want to be someone's wife in every sense of the word.

 

Time to get the annulment. You can easily get an annulment if he refused to have sex with you. That is one of the conditions for marriage, and he is violating the marriage contract by refusing to have sex with you.

 

Life is too short to waste it on someone who refuses to have sex.

[diabolik]

The thought occurs...could he be gay?

I think we have a winner.

 

Either that or he's asexual.

 

Pretty easy to figure out which - check his computer for porn. Or have you ever seen him masturbating?

[Kantriakhor]

I think we have a winner.

 

Either that or he's asexual.

 

Pretty easy to figure out which - check his computer for porn. Or have you ever seen him masturbating?

 

Or any number of things, if he hasn't been open about it then our guesses are just that: guesses.

[diabolik]

Or any number of things, if he hasn't been open about it then our guesses are just that: guesses.

Thanks Captain Obvious. The point is that he hasn't been open about it, and she is wondering what the hell is going on. And like any other thread, we try to guess at what's really going based on the facts presented to us.

[Kantriakhor]

Thanks Captain Obvious. The point is that he hasn't been open about it, and she is wondering what the hell is going on. And like any other thread, we try to guess at what's really going based on the facts presented to us.

 

Anytime Mr. Assumption. I just wanted to put in check the gay or asexual card before people run with it.

[Nkaleidoscopic]

From her other posts he has had other partners and he has had sex with them, so I wouldnt jump on "gay" too quickly.

[diabolik]

From her other posts he has had other partners and he has had sex with them, so I wouldnt jump on "gay" too quickly.

The mere fact that a man is having sex with a woman does not mean his primary tendencies aren't homosexual. I have heard of way too many instances of this. Most recently, a gay friend of mine was telling me how he is having sex with a married man. And I know many women who have dated men they later figured out were gay/bi.

[ays]

This has gone on far too long. You have to confront him. You married him, you expected a marriage, a husband not a roomate. Either he faces this and makes a sincere effort to sort this out or you tell him the marriage is off. If you like him, he can still be your friend but you will have sex.If hes not willing, then someone else will. Hes the one who has failed in his marriage duty. I don't mean not performing sexually, that can happen to anyone, but misrepresenting the situation beforehand and doing nothing to address it after. Even if there was no solution to the problem at least he should care enough to try.

[Nkaleidoscopic]

The mere fact that a man is having sex with a woman does not mean his primary tendencies aren't homosexual. I have heard of way too many instances of this. Most recently, a gay friend of mine was telling me how he is having sex with a married man. And I know many women who have dated men they later figured out were gay/bi.

I'm not eliminating the possibility, I think others are just too quick to judge. There's still alot of questions the OP hasn't answered

[Kantriakhor]

This has gone on far too long. You have to confront him. You married him, you expected a marriage, a husband not a roomate. Either he faces this and makes a sincere effort to sort this out or you tell him the marriage is off. If you like him, he can still be your friend but you will have sex.If hes not willing, then someone else will. Hes the one who has failed in his marriage duty. I don't mean not performing sexually, that can happen to anyone, but misrepresenting the situation beforehand and doing nothing to address it after. Even if there was no solution to the problem at least he should care enough to try.

 

Actually, unless she had a full conversation about this when they weren't married then she only assumed they'd have sex and trying to portray him as pulling a bait-and-switch is a bit unfair when they apparently had no sex at all beforehand.