He has a girlfriend...can I at least tell him how I feel?

[MJ23]

Ok, so right now I am in a lot of pain because my bf of 2 years just left me and broke my heart and I feel like complete crap and everything hurts and I dont even feel like getting out of bed in the morning.

 

I want another spark in my life, or someone to hold, or kiss, or someone to love. There's this one guy I've had a crush on for years, currently he has a girlfriend. She dumped him once before, they got back together, but hes a super nice guy and she seems to take him for granted, at least in my perspective.

 

I am SO fed up with life right now. Could I tell him my feelings right now? I dont care if he stays with his gf, or if he thinks im crazy and weird, I just hate everything and want him to know i care about him and if he and his gf ever DO break up I would be there and I want him.

 

He's the only guy, aside from my bf, I could see myself with in the future. I dont want to have an affair, i would never THINK about being with him while hes still with his gf.

 

But what's so wrong about telling him my feelings now?!? Life sucks, I want to at least take SOMETHING into my control!!! Would this be so wrong?

[ResonanceTheory]

In a word, yes.

[Capricorn3]

Ok, so right now I am in a lot of pain because my bf of 2 years just left me I want another spark in my life,

 

I am SO fed up with life right now. Could I tell him my feelings right now? I dont care if he stays with his gf, or if he thinks im crazy and weird, I just hate everything and want him to know i care about him and if he and his gf ever DO break up I would be there and I want him.

 

But what's so wrong about telling him my feelings now?!? Life sucks, I want to at least take SOMETHING into my control!!! Would this be so wrong?

 

Yes, I think it would be VERY wrong of you to tell this guy how you feel. You have no place getting involved, or interfering in other people's relationships (and yes, telling him how you feel when you know he has a g/f, IS interfering).

 

Just because you "want a spark in your life" and feel "fed up with life and just hate everything" and want to "take something into your control" doesn't mean you should go out and mess with other people's relationships.

 

Show some respect and stay away and DON'T say anything. It's not your place.

 

Also, self-respect and a little dignity go a long way.

[lavenderdove]

First, you need to give yourself time getting over your breakup before you start going after a new man. You're just afraid to alone right now, and instead need to spend some time healing rather than just trying to leap on someone else.

 

Next, you need to get out there and meet a lot of men. This guy has a girlfriend, and he is certainly not the only man for you, you just haven't met enough men yet to find someone new.

 

It might be very awkward for him if you announce you like him, when he has a girlfriend and you two haven't even dated. You can stay friends with him and IF he breaks up then think about it, but in the meantime, you will look desperate if you just broke up with your own boyfriend and now try to latch onto him.

 

Spend some time healing and don't date until you're thinking clearly and feeling less desperate.

[annie24]

i agree with the posters here. and with him having a gf, i'm not sure what it would accomplish. maybe if they break up, then you can tell him your feelings. but for now, i don't think you'd get something positive out of it.

[itsallgrand]

Life sucks, I want to at least take SOMETHING into my control!!!

 

Right. A lot of us can relate to that feeling - especially when in the middle of a whirlwind of hurt and loss.

 

And the answer is in what you wrote: you need to act to show (mostly to yourself) that you still have some control over matters in your own life.

 

Opening up your vulnerability to a man in a relationship is not a good way to do that, though. First of all, it could cause hurt to other people. Secondly, it's not a solid low-risk way to show to yourself that you do have control. It's handing over control to someone else!.

 

I think more accurately, by wanting to spill your guts to this unavailable man, you are expressing a desire for someone to take charge for you and help you.

 

Do you need support and direction from someone right now?

 

A lot of cities have drop-in councilling where you can spend an hour or so talking to a therapist. A lot of people use it when going through a break-up, or a sudden loss, or just for some grounding when they feel like they have reached a point where they just need some help figuring out what in the world to do about everything. Touching base, kind of, with where you are at and what would be something concrete you can do to start to feel more in control.

 

Beats the heck out of a taking a chance on some random guy doing what he may with this private information and vulnerability you are feeling right now.

 

A good friend might help do a lot of the same. But sometimes the distance and objectivity really helps.

 

This need for some control I think is why a lot of people take up going to the gym, or starting some new activities or classes, or whatever they can to try and see some results in their lives. It does help. Anything productive that you can relatively control and have a chance at seeing some payoffs.

[d24]

Does the word rebound mean anything to all you 'yes' people here?

[Ellie2006]

Does the word rebound mean anything to all you 'yes' people here?

 

^ So? What's your point?

 

OP, I agree with everyone else.

 

How can you contemplate doing something you KNOW will hurt someone else (i.e. his girlfriend)? Your pain does not justify you causing other people pain.

 

And you're right: this idea that his gf might be taking this guy for granted is *your* perspective alone, and it goes without saying that your perspective is probably biased.

 

As LavenderDove suggested above, maybe you need to take a bit more time to heal ...

[MJ23]

Thank you so much for all your replies. I will not say anything to this guy.

 

Your right, I just want some control in my life again, as everything I once knew ended and now I don't know what I have. But doing this would not help me be in control, as itsallgrand pointed out, it would be handing control over to this guy once I give him the information. And I've never done anything like that before...I don't want to start down a bad path just because I'm feeling bad right now.

 

Maybe I will join a gym. It might make me more confident to start meeting other *single* men. Or at the very least, make me feel good about myself.

[waveseer]

Thank you so much for all your replies. I will not say anything to this guy.

 

Your right, I just want some control in my life again, as everything I once knew ended and now I don't know what I have. But doing this would not help me be in control, as itsallgrand pointed out, it would be handing control over to this guy once I give him the information. And I've never done anything like that before...I don't want to start down a bad path just because I'm feeling bad right now.

 

Maybe I will join a gym. It might make me more confident to start meeting other *single* men. Or at the very least, make me feel good about myself.

 

That sounds like a much better idea!

[girl68]

NO!

 

You're in the die hard crushing stages of a breakup and you're thinking of blurting out feelings that are less than genuine? Bad idea.

 

As previously suggested keep busy, your heart will heal with time. Crush on that guy, you're allowed. But don't say anything. Let him have his relationship in peace. If it doesn't work out be there to pick up the peices.

[shenn]

Don't tell him! What if he was your boyfriend and some girl was telling him the same thing? I would be mad at the girl, don't be that girl.

[itsallgrand]

Thank you so much for all your replies. I will not say anything to this guy.

 

Your right, I just want some control in my life again, as everything I once knew ended and now I don't know what I have. But doing this would not help me be in control, as itsallgrand pointed out, it would be handing control over to this guy once I give him the information. And I've never done anything like that before...I don't want to start down a bad path just because I'm feeling bad right now.

 

Maybe I will join a gym. It might make me more confident to start meeting other *single* men. Or at the very least, make me feel good about myself.

 

Good for you. I hope you feel better soon.

[Gaea]

No don't tell him. He has a girlfriend you have to respect that. I was recently in a situation where another woman expressed stong feelings for my boyfriend and it resulted in all three of us getting hurt, it's not worth it.

[Circe]

No. You have to be honest with yourself. Would you really be doing it to win back control or in the hope that he leaves her for you? If its the latter then it's no better than actively trying to "steal" him away from her and you don't want to be that girl.

[SeekingWisdom]

I've been in the same shoes as this guys gf. Telling him how you feel would absolutely not be right or okay. Just because you got ripped up and hurt doesnt mean you should inflict that on someone else... regardless of whether or not she's deserving of him in your opinion.

 

Dont hurt someone else just because you're hurt.

[kaydizzle]

I joined the gym and started hanging out with friends more when I broke up with my ex, go out as much as you can to try to meet new people, take time to heal before you get into anything serious but keep yourself busy busy busy, be productive and this will help you feel better. Friends are so important in these situations.