How long is too long?

[soursobgirl]

Hi everyone,

we had a debate in the office today... My SO is 31 this year and cant see himself married for another 5 years ... is this a red flag?

 

would you wait 5 years before getting engaged ...

 

So that would make him 36 and me 31 .....

 

Note: We have been dating for 9 months and know eachother 11 months ...people in my office say kick him to the kerb ... if he wants to wait that long.

[DN]

Much depends on the reason he wants to wait for five years.

[soursobgirl]

hmmm well he makes over 140K now

has a house which is rented and paying off

has a great car

friends

has about a 5K debt... plus the house and says he wants to save a little bit more and he doesnt imagine sharing his life with someone and being tied down just yet...

this gave the girls in the office a massive red flag

[Eleveness]

There is no such concept as "too long". You spend as much time dating him as is necessary to make sure that you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him.

 

Regarging "he doesnt imagine sharing his life with someone and being tied down just yet"... I posted this in another comment, but it's also applicable here:

 

Do the following things in order:

 

1. Ask yourself, "What do I want from this man?" Do you just want sex? Do you want to just be friends? Or do you want a longer-term relationship?

2. Ask him the same sort of question--whether he just wants sex, friendship, or romance. And make sure you hold him to his answer: If he says that he wants romance but it becomes obvious that he just wants sex, you MUST break up with him immediately.

3. Compare your response to the question (item 1) with his (item 2). If your respective answers don't exactly match, you should break up, or else there will be problems down the road.

 

Remember this one thing: It's far better to suffer a little heartache now (breaking up with him on good terms) than a lot of pain later (a nasty breakup, or even abuse). Be honest with him, make sure he's honest with you, and most importantly, be honest with yourself. Live YOUR life, not his.

[tulipsfav]

I definitely would not wait 5 years. Life is way to short, if you love someone and they love you should go for it. This guy is stalling big time.

[simply complicated]

Marriage is so overrated, don't rush it, I like where your SO's heads at, he wants to rid himself of debt, deal with responsibilities first for peace of mind, I also think it's kind of funny that you would debate kicking him to the curb, if I, along with most other guys, were in your SO's position, I would be debating on kicking you to the curb for trying to force marriage upon me.

[itsallgrand]

Well, depends on how important marriage is to you and within what time period.

 

A red flag as concerning what ?

[Sweet Venus]

Whats the rush???

You'll be 31 in five years.That's a PERFECT age to get married.

I never understood why a guy was "expected" to propose in 1-2 years

or it meant there was something "wrong". I would rather wait and know the guy

is marrying me because he can't live without me, than because he felt

emotionally blackmailed into it.

[erase this face]

You should ask yourself why you're thinking marriage 9 months into this relationship. THAT'S a red flag.

[Keyman]

You've been with him 9 months and you are worried about getting married? What's the rush? Sounds a little like you want to tie him down and not let him get away.

 

Perhaps he is just wary, maybe he wants to see how things go between you long term before making the big commitment. Or genuinely, maybe he is just not ready yet, which is his right to say.

 

I think you have to take into account the fact that with his salary and the place he is in at the moment, if you kick him to the kerb, someone else will be marrying him in 5 years and sharing all the at he has.

 

It also sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders and will not be rushed into things until he is ready. I'm thinking, the more you push, the more likelihood you are to lose him...

 

If you are insecure about the future, maybe that is telling you something too... Maybe he is not the one you want to be with...

[simply complicated]

I think you have to take into account the fact that with his salary and the place he is in at the moment, if you kick him to the kerb, someone else will be marrying him in 5 years and sharing all the at he has.

 

 

This is true, which brings up another question, most guys I know who make good money, have girlfriends that wanna get married so quickly, I can't help but notice that it's about money.

 

So honestly, would you still wanna rush your SO into marriage if he worked at McDonalds?

[greensleeves]

Why are you worried about it being a red flag to the people in your office? What do his comments mean to you?

 

You've only been together 9 months and he's been fair in telling you where he sees himself in the future. If you want to be married in less then five years, end the relationship and pursue others...maybe you'll find someone with similar goals. If you love him and feel that five years is a reasonable time frame for you, then stay.

[itsallgrand]

This is true, which brings up another question, most guys I know who make good money, have girlfriends that wanna get married so quickly, I can't help but notice that it's about money.

 

So honestly, would you still wanna rush your SO into marriage if he worked at McDonalds?

 

I also found it a bit unnerving - the stats about his financial well being and all that, yet no mention at all about the character and other great qualities about this man?

 

It just seems so clinical. Where's the love? lol.

[simply complicated]

I also found it a bit unnerving - the stats about his financial well being and all that, yet no mention at all about the character and other great qualities about this man?

 

It just seems so clinical. Where's the love? lol.

 

 

I was just about to quote her and write the same thing...HAHA...nice, it's soo true, he should be on here posting about wheather or not to kick her to the curb..LOL..

[Xplode]

get engaged for 5 years? lol

[soursobgirl]

Ive come through a really hard backround, bad family dynamics, divorced family and I have a difficult time making up my mind about this.

If you read my prior posts then you will get some idea.

I didnt mean to come accross as a gold digger ... I know it has come accross that way bigtime. I am sorry if it came accross this way.

He is my bestfriend, yes we do fight sometimes and dont see eye to eye but when you get down to basics I cannot live without him or picture my life without him.

Yes I shouldnt be pushy you are right.

 

But when you get people with thier mouths open like my dad and my grandpa who go you want him to keep you kicking around for 5 years before he commits the you have problems.

 

The girls in my office cannot believe that he would say something like that to me. Thats all. I guess I come from a place where people get married on a whim and I didnt mean to come accross as pushy or a gold digger.

[Circe]

Whats the rush???

You'll be 31 in five years.That's a PERFECT age to get married.

 

Not unless they plan on having kids immediately after marriage.

 

Or unless they plan on having less than a couple of kids.

 

And it's a big assumption to make.. that in 4 years he'll actually propose.

If he doesnt, you are 30 and starting again. Which is not a bad thing in itself but something to consider..

 

I would not wait 5 years, no.

[soursobgirl]

I was just about to quote her and write the same thing...HAHA...nice, it's soo true, he should be on here posting about wheather or not to kick her to the curb..LOL..

 

Alot of girls where I come from if a man said 5 years to them then they would say goodbye to them.

[soursobgirl]

Think about it this way too.

 

Say if I wait 5 years... and then I am magically 32 years old. Do you know how hard it is to find someone at that age? I know alot of women who are 29+ that have trouble with guys in my city. Most of the guys that are 30+ want something pretty on thier arm say like 22-25 ... and so if he breaks up with me then where does that leave me? Thats what I am afraid about...

[kittysaysmeow]

From my point of view, this is a huge red flag. I just came out of a relationship in which I knew my bf was not ready to get married. This was fine by me since I didn't care much about getting married right away.

 

Well, he broke up with me a few months ago because he continued to think that he wasn't ready and didn't know if he ever would. He kept putting this time limit of 3 years...in 3 years of dating he should know.

 

Well, after 3 years of living together, it's all over. And now I have to start all over again.

 

I just know that I wouldn't stick around for 5 years "in case" he may want to get married. But that's if YOU want to eventually get married. If getting married is something you want, then I would take off on good terms instead of having my heart broken.

 

Believe me, what happened between my boyfriend and I was the most painful thing I've ever had to go through. I wish I had listened to myself all those years ago when he told me that he didn't know if/when he would want to get married.

[simply complicated]

Think about it this way too.

 

Say if I wait 5 years... and then I am magically 32 years old. Do you know how hard it is to find someone at that age? I know alot of women who are 29+ that have trouble with guys in my city. Most of the guys that are 30+ want something pretty on thier arm say like 22-25 ... and so if he breaks up with me then where does that leave me? Thats what I am afraid about...

 

 

Do you honestly think marriage means permanence? all it is, is a ring and a piece of paper saying, "we're married", if the love between both of you is genuine, married or not, you'll always be together, I can't stand how people are made to believe this myth, that marraige will mean a permanent bond, marriages fail more than they succeed, it's a fact, if you love him, and he loves you, then thats all that matters, marriage won't change that. But if you rush him, he will quickly look elsewhere, remember, the guy is supposed to propose to you, so let him, don't tell him to.

[soursobgirl]

See this scares me too. I mean he said to me he thinks 2 years is WAY to quick and when he thinks about being married in 2 years he cant breathe. Then he is like 5 he see's himself, but even then he is unsure he ever wants to get married especially when we fight.

Thing is he always refers to ' our house ' and things like that. It's weird. Like I know he wants to get married but he doesnt know when. He said this would be the biggest decision of his life.

 

Sometimes I think its because he still lives at home with his Mum who is a widow and is afraid to leave her alone.

[kittysaysmeow]

Do you honestly think marriage means permanence? all it is, is a ring and a piece of paper saying, "we're married", if the love between both of you is genuine, married or not, you'll always be together, I can't stand how people are made to believe this myth, that marraige will mean a permanent bond, marriages fail more than they succeed, it's a fact, if you love him, and he loves you, then thats all that matters, marriage won't change that. But if you rush him, he will quickly look elsewhere, remember, the guy is supposed to propose to you, so let him, don't tell him to.

 

I don't think she wants to rush him. I think it's more about knowing what she wants for her future. Some women really want to get married (eventually). If he doesn't want to, then what's the point?

[itsallgrand]

Think about it this way too.

 

Say if I wait 5 years... and then I am magically 32 years old. Do you know how hard it is to find someone at that age? I know alot of women who are 29+ that have trouble with guys in my city. Most of the guys that are 30+ want something pretty on thier arm say like 22-25 ... and so if he breaks up with me then where does that leave me? Thats what I am afraid about...

 

That's a pretty bleak outlook! Holy man.

 

Marrying out of a fear or thinking it will bring some magical security is not the way to go, either. IMO. You can marry someone and end up alone down the years too...there is no guarantee. Especially if you are looking at men with a mentality that it is the norm for a man to just be interested in the pretty young thing on their arm; those guys will be that way, while the ones who are not that way won't. But if you are thinking that by marrying you can immunize yourself against it, that rarely works out for people.

 

Nothing wrong with wanting marriage though if that is what you truly want, and nothing wrong with having some timeline as far as how long you are willing to wait for someone to commit to you.

[kittysaysmeow]

See this scares me too. I mean he said to me he thinks 2 years is WAY to quick and when he thinks about being married in 2 years he cant breathe. Then he is like 5 he see's himself, but even then he is unsure he ever wants to get married especially when we fight.

Thing is he always refers to ' our house ' and things like that. It's weird. Like I know he wants to get married but he doesnt know when. He said this would be the biggest decision of his life.

 

Sometimes I think its because he still lives at home with his Mum who is a widow and is afraid to leave her alone.

 

Oh i completely know where you're coming from. We lived together. We were building a house together. We even had a dog. Everything was "ours". I thought FOR SURE he would eventually want to be together for the long run (not necessarily getting married, but building a life together), but he got scared.

 

But that was my situation. It could be different with you and your bf. I mean, you've only been together for 9 months. But if you know what you want for certain, then I dunno...why put yourself through that?