My brain = scrambled eggs

[haliburton]

My story:

 

Me - mid 30's

Her - early 30's

 

Dated a little over 1 year. I broke up with her because we became distant (long distance relationship), and it was fairly mutual. It was almost as if she forced me to do it as it was the elephant in the room. So one day, I said - this isn't working for me, and it can't be working for you. Agreed. We will both miss each other, etc. Limited contact agreed upon - as she didn't want NC, and I thought I could handle it (we were growing apart after all).

 

So this is like 9 months ago. 1x/month or so someone reaches out. we talk, flirt on the phone (I saw a picture of you in that dress on MySpace, and let me tell you if I were there, it wouldn't have lasted long - that type of thing). I totally care for her even through this, and it was semi-hard, but I kept my mind off of it pretty well.

 

Well, she tells me she is dating someone, and I spin out a little. I have some conversations with her about us, which is semi-reciprocated. We decide we're BFF's, and we should have more than LC. This goes on for a couple of days, but doesn't end well. She ultimately starts ignoring me. I lashed out, and she says I was rude to do this sort of thing while she is happy w/ her new guy. Fair enough. She's right. I apologize. She accepts. She's got a temper and shuts down very easily, but with time she is extremely forgiving.

 

So I told her she wouldn't ever hear that talk from me again. But I can't understand why I'm so heart-broken. I haven't brought that subject up since, but I've pushed a tad to talk more regularly, but it's been un-fulfilling for me (as you might guess) - I'm not hearing what I want to hear (which is to get back). So I go NC for the past 5 days.

 

Here's where things are tough for me... I'm actually heading out there next week for work. She's going to find out I was in her hometown... Should I get together w/ her to hang for an hour? NC? I'm lost. I do want to see her. I am confident on outward appearances I would be strong (I can do that), but inward, I'd be hoping. Help!!!

[spidey112]

I'm not sure it would be a good idea to see her. I think it would just lead to more dissapointment on your part. I think total NC is the way to go.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

She is seeing someone so I don't think it is a good idea to see her or even call her anymore.

[itsallgrand]

IMO, you win two ways if you don't see her nor call her from now on.

One: you respect her new relationship.

Two: you get a chance to move on, come to terms with your feelings for her without the 'hook' of having this LC.

[haliburton]

Itsallgrand-

 

That's pretty good advice. I especially like the part about respecting her new relationship. It's the mature thing to do. It's tough to be mature sometimes in these situations- as judgement gets clouded.

 

So here's where I get stuck a little though..... I know she'll eventually contact me (well I suppose I don't KNOW that), but she does care about me a lot (I'm completely positive of that, and would go so far to say I'm 75% sure she wants to get back with me, but is conflicted right now). Given that she's pretty objective, won't it come out of left field for me to not return any of her calls? I feel I kinda have to reciprocate a reach-out - but maybe I'm not thinking clearly here. I could see her getting upset with me for ignoring her (it seems like a spiteful and mean thing to do without warning - last we talked we were joking. Now I'm pretending she doesn't exist? That's some big swings).

 

Doesn't it also look weak to say I'm not over her, so I can't talk to her again (at which point, I do believe it would be the last I ever heard from her - as initiated by her- as she has her pride too!)? That's the opposite of what I'm trying to portray (which is being over her - I know, I know, screw the portrayal - but I do care about that. I don't want her to think I'm angling. I want her to think I'm fine with everything). That may be fine, I suppose, as the last thing I want is to be in the friend bucket and holding out hope. I'm not looking for friendship afterall... She has been pretty adamant that a friendship is extremely important to her (which is a terribly conflicted thing to me).

 

On reading all of this - I've come to the conclusion I'm a * * * * * * * . Who acts this way? I do. So I've got these ulterior motives, I'm hurt, and she's done nothing wrong. And yet I'm still scheming. And why couldn't I just go back to being light about things? This took me by total surprise.

 

I haven't been able to sleep well for 3 days!

[haliburton]

Is it fair for me to take the position of: I don't want to be friends w/ you, even if that's what she really wants. I believe she wants a friendship because it keeps me in the wings - which isn't fair to me.....

[haliburton]

I know there have only been 2 replies, but I have to say they have been cathartic - even if it was just to write down my feelings/confusions/etc.

 

I have determined to go NC. If it gets to a point where I have to break that to explain it because it's obnoxious (she asks * * * is up, after continued efforts), then I will contact her and tell her - She doesn't have to offer what I want, and it wouldn't be fair of me to stay in contact with you while that's the case. It's not fair to her, her new BF, or me. She moved on, and I'm moving on. No hard feelings, just how it is.

[haliburton]

Beuller? Beuller?

[thedude27]

Ignore her, when she notices tell her whats up. You are right dont do stuff that doesnt make sense. Dont act like a weirdo and not take her calls. Take it, then tell her how you feel. Realize that's the easy part. The hard part begins after you say that to her. No its not unfair to her. You are in the relationship too and if she's going to do whatever she wants its fair that you get to do the same and not be friends because its not in your best interest.