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Complicated double GIGS and the other person involved


longdist

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Alright, I have a feeling I'm going to catch a lot of grief for this question, but I am interested in some opinions. So I got the GIGS (grass is greener syndrome) last spring. My real relationship was in a slump and I wondered if my gf at the time even loved me anymore. So anyhow, another girl came along and we became friends. I began to fall for her, unknowingly, and it turns out that she had a major thing for me since we first met. Anyhow, cutting through some details, I ended things swiftly with this other girl b/c of my relationship at the time. The other girl supported the decision and probably helped it along more than I did. She thought that we were doing the right thing by ending things and she even went NC with me, which helped matters greatly, even though I was interested in remaining friends (yes, I know I was wrong to want to keep any contact). We did have some brief talks during the summer. She was still interested in me and knew I was trying to work things out with my gf at the time.

 

Anyhow, things with this other girl wore on me and I slowly sabatoged my relationship, unconsciously. When I realized what I was doing, I tried to repair things, but a few months later my gf broke things off (unknowing of the other girl). She said she just didn't feel love for me anymore and ended up dating one of her best friends of 7 years (don't know what happened with that and don't want to know). It seemed like she also got the GIGS. I ended up being upfront with my ex about the other girl, b/c I thought she deserved the truth, even if I should have been honest from the beginning (long story). Regardless, I don't see her interested in getting back together any time soon and the other girl never fully left my mind.

 

So to get to the point. I am interested in trying things with this other girl. Would a relationship with this other girl ruin any chances of reconciliation with my ex? I don't know if there are any chances at this point anyhow. The other question is what is the best way to contact the other girl? I think asking for a relationship right away would be a little presumptuous and I don't know if she is dating anyone. So I was thinking about seeing if she would want to start talking as friends again. She turned out to be very bitter about the fact I stayed with my ex, even though she always supported that decision when I was dating my ex, because she didn't want to be the type of person to break a couple up. So I really would need to approach this situation carefully. Any thoughts? Feel free to send me grief as well

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Dating the other girl would definitely ruin your chances of getting back together with your ex. How long have you been apart by the way? It'd be good to be by yourself for a while, clear your mind, I wonder if you have enough to offer to the other girl yet.

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You need to stop trying to hedge your bets and date the woman you want the most who will accept you. Sometimes you just have to go out on a limb and make a statement. If neither are worth it then find a new woman who is.

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Dating the other girl would definitely ruin your chances of getting back together with your ex. How long have you been apart by the way? It'd be good to be by yourself for a while, clear your mind, I wonder if you have enough to offer to the other girl yet.

 

Good question. Things with the other girl ended around 12 months ago. My ex broke up with me 5 months ago. So I've been single for 5 months after a 4-1/2 year relationship. I'm in a good place now, seriously, and don't feel the need to be back with my ex. I won't lie, I would consider getting back together if she wanted, but not if I were dating the other girl. I give top priority to the girl I'm with (I don't mean that to sound as pompous as it might). I think I can give myself wholey to the other girl now. As far as chances with my ex... Why would dating this girl be any different than her dating her friend of 7 years? I think she would be hypocritical if she wouldn't get back together b/c I dated this other girl.

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You need to stop trying to hedge your bets and date the woman you want the most who will accept you. Sometimes you just have to go out on a limb and make a statement. If neither are worth it then find a new woman who is.

 

Good point, I was just thinking about that myself. I made a decision while I was dating my ex, but that is because my loyalty lies to the one I'm with. However, now I would definitely like to try things with the other girl. I guess I'm hoping to avoid closing a door if I do... so would still be trying to hedge my bets. I think both girls are worth it. However, I think my ex is out of the picture at least for a long time to come. I know that sounds like I'm using the other girl as an alternative to my ex (or a second choice), but I really don't think that is the case.

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Good point, I was just thinking about that myself. I made a decision while I was dating my ex, but that is because my loyalty lies to the one I'm with. However, now I would definitely like to try things with the other girl. I guess I'm hoping to avoid closing a door if I do... so would still be trying to hedge my bets. I think both girls are worth it. However, I think my ex is out of the picture at least for a long time to come. I know that sounds like I'm using the other girl as an alternative to my ex (or a second choice), but I really don't think that is the case.

 

If your ex is out of the picture, then why would you worry about her for the future? Maybe what you really need is some time single to get over her and let her fade into the back of your mind.

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If your ex is out of the picture, then why would you worry about her for the future? Maybe what you really need is some time single to get over her and let her fade into the back of your mind.

I think the question of how dating this other girl would affect chances of reconciliation with my ex would always exist, unless I actually started dating her because then there is no point in worrying about the repercussions.

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I think the question of how dating this other girl would affect chances of reconciliation with my ex would always exist, unless I actually started dating her because then there is no point in worrying about the repercussions.

 

Then she is clearly your second choice. Is there any way to get the final word from your ex if you have any chance at a future together? That might help a lot.

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Well the answer to that is pretty complicated. A month after we broke up, my ex told me she didn't see any chance of a future together. She said she put up emotional walls between her and I and she didn't feel like she ever wanted to take the effort to bring them down. However, a lot of our problems stemmed from the fact that we were long distance for 4+ years. Chances are good that I'll be moving to her city for a job in the coming year (I'm a PhD student and most of the job in my field are in her city... I had chosen that on purpose while we were dating). So, I don't know what would happen if we lived in the same city. No, I'm not moving there for her... it's just the place where I'm pretty much stuck moving to now. I could straight up ask my ex if she see the possibility of a future, but I'm pretty sure she will say that she can't see into the future and can only say that right now there isn't a possibilty.

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How soon would you be moving to her city? Is she worth waiting for a chance with? The reason I ask is that if you're leaving soon anyway, then why start something with the other woman that you probably won't want to finish?

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You are asking very good questions. I'll be moving some time next spring probably. The other girl doesn't live in my current city or my ex's city. In fact she will be graduating with a MS this month and I have no idea what her plans are. I guess I feel like I should give this other relationship a shot because it is really hard to tell how compatible two people are until you actually try the relationship. Like I said, if I try it, I will do it whole heartedly. I just hate to close the door on someone I used to care so much about and get the feeling that may happen if I start seeing this girl. Regardless of all of this, I don't even know what this other girl's reponse will be. She may have no interest at this point anyhow, and then I wouldn't have to wonder what things could have been like, because I would know I did all that I could.

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I guess I have a supplementary question. Do you think it would be worthwhile having a conversation with my ex about speaking to this other girl?

 

Before I do that, if I did, it seems like I should contact the other girl and see if she even has an inkling to start talking again. Otherwise, it seems like I would be setting myself up for definite failure with my ex by asking the quesiton. At the same time, I don't want to string the other girl along if my ex does say that she sees a future.

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This is what I was getting at about hedging your bets. You'd obviously rather be with your ex, so start there. The other woman is your second choice by far, so contact her when you have a better idea where you stand with your ex. I can tell you'd like at least one of these relationships to work out, but think of it this way..

 

Let's say you start a relationship with the other woman and then your ex wants you back. Who is that fair to?

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Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

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