End to failure

[AnonymousMoot]

I arrived at this site because of feelings i am having, and found individuals here with similar problems, however not to detract from their issues i thought I'd just start a new thread. I cant tell people how afraid i am of people i know finding me so to keep it brief: i was a star student who throughout high school saw myself develop into the class clown. I got one of the best high school diplomas in Europe giving me access to pretty much every University I could want to go to (depending on my subject choice) and did so without studying at all.

 

Once in college I found that i couldn't get by as i did before, I've done numerous studies over the years and kept flunking out because of my behavior, all the while racking up financial debt. My parents are utterly disappointed to the point i am afraid of them and nowadays even fear to answer my phone when they call or is from a number i don't recognize.

 

Suffice to say, it's almost summer vacation, and i don't even bother going to class anymore, as i haven't earned enough points to stay anyway in the program anyway. Many of my high school buddies are working already and have gotten their Masters degrees. I feel like a complete failure in this respect. Even if i do "pick up my socks" I'll be 30 when i get my bachelors, and i don't see that happening anyway. Call me narrow minded, i know that there's more out there to graduating and joining the workforce, but my family wouldn't accept that, and thus i figure I've reached the end and i can accomplish. One way or the other, i find myself unable to connect to people despite my former high school status and with the exception of a few people, most of whom, high school friends, that I am failing socially as well.

 

I have nothing to offer the world, in fact, contrary to that, i am a drain on my family and friends and given the fact that i am in over my head with debt with no way to reduce it, i am a drain on my respective government as well!

 

I share the feelings of many people here when they state: If i could just take a pill, and go to sleep, simply never to awake, i would do so in an instant.

 

The only person I remotely knew who killed themselves is a spouse of a family friend who stepped in front of a train, and that prospect seems to be more enticing to me everyday...

[waveseer]

My dad was a brilliant man, but he was so immature when he started college that the professor had to move his desk to the front of the room. He left and went into the service for four years and came back ready for school. I am really glad he lived through the certain shame that he felt at not being able to hack school the first time around. I myself took a two year break from school before returning to earn a degree. As my late uncle once said, "Our family has had many late starters, but once we get going, watch out!"

 

I do hope you can find some perspective and begin to look at the bright side of things.

[Nkaleidoscopic]

Hopelessness, it happens to most of us.

 

What you need to do is make a plan. What do you want out of life?

 

A bachelors? Then plan a way to get it: Figure out how many credits you need and find a more affordable college where you can finish, get a degree, and then join the workforce to pay off your debts.

 

Do you want to get rid of your debt? Find a high paying high risk job like being a hand on a fishing ship (bad example, but whatever) or anything similar that you can find.

 

There's a million other things that you could want, but I guess my point is that there is a solution to everything. There is a plan, and there are steps you can take to get you anywhere.

 

None of it is easy, especially if you have debt.

 

For one, focus on yourself, not what your family wants. I know that may be hard, but what your family accepts isnt really that big a deal, and I feel that you need to mature to a point where you are a nuclear family by yourself and you do not feel like you are still trying to please your mom and dad. They only have expectations to motivate you, they're not rules you have to live or die by.

 

So, figure out exactly what you want, and do it. If you can't figure it out, just post about it, and members will help you figure out a plan.

 

There really isn't an end. Have you ever had an end? No one alive knows what "end" means. It's just a fantasy, and just like we fantasize about having sex with 3 people - in real life, it doesn't work out so well. Because fantasies are just fantasies.

[simply complicated]

I get that exact same feeling everyday, I wake up and go to work feeling like a complete failure.

I hate everything about my life, I made, what I thought was a mistake to drop outta high school, until I realized, after working a crappy job and seeing what the real world is like, that I appreciate the value of school and hard work, because I wouldn't wanna end up like some of the people i've worked with.

As Ready2Heal was talking about, starting out late can actually be a good thing, so long as you get started.

 

But for now, i'm in the same boat, only you've actually went to college, I haven't even started yet, again my problem, and debt as well, I find myself getting angry for being in the position that i'm in and feeling embarrassed when I see others from high school or people from work who have moved on, cause when they see me, i'm still stuck in the same shyte position.

 

All I can say is, take how your feeling now, and ask yourself, do you really wanna feel this way forever, and I think we both know, suicide is no way out, just take comfort in knowing that your not alone in this department, and that your life isn't over, so what you've had a late start, if you want something bad enough, i'm sure you'll get it. Even I haven't given up and I haven't made it to college yet.

[rainyday]

i can understand what he feels. i think a lot of people feel this and not alone. we all expected to fulfill the expectation of our family and we dont meet it, it really feels bad. i am under this influence as well, and its literally driving me insane.

 

however, i believe experience defines us. keep this experience, and use it to your advantage. you now know exactly what NOT to do. time is not important, the end result is much more significant....ending your life would be not doing justice.

 

theres more to life then just school and career.

[Jambalaya]

We all have to deal with failure in one way or another, the expectations we place on ourselves usually far exceed the limits we put on ourselves.

 

To say that someone has grown up to be more than they dreamed is rare, and usually they dont even believe it. The one common thing that we all have to deal with is failure. No one is perfect and we all get hurt. It is the way that we come back from these things that make us who we are.

 

You can still excel in many fields that you havent even tried yet. Try to find a woman to make happy, maybe have kids and be a good father, get a job in a trade and become a journeyman. Being successful in school means * * * * if you cant excel at work, and trust me many new workers are nieve and think that because they have a degree they are hot * * * * , when what really matters is how you treat people.

 

Being a leader is not doing your homework. Its being able to work with people as a team and everyone getting home safe. If you can do this the respect you will get from people is enough to make you feel like you made a difference in thier lives, but how are they gonna respect you if you dont even give them a chance.

 

Give yourself some time, find something that is a combination of what you love to do and enough money to pay your bills. Maybe pick up an old hobby again.

 

You have a long life to live and you will miss a lot of the beautiful things that this world gives us. I would give anything to have the people I have lost back. Dont make the thing others lose something you give away.

 

Hope you can find some inner peace

[AnonymousMoot]

first of all thx for the replies. IT really helps just when people post anything to give me the feeling that someone is listening. Especially some who think they may be in the same boat.

 

As with most people i suppose anyway, i went on with life and experienced more ups and downs. Though i do still think about killing myself and even told my girlfriend about it.

 

Anyway, I'm dawdling, the reason im posting again is because i of course think about it daily, and shortly after i posted my first message something happened one day. As i lay on my couch thinking about the act, my heart skipped a beat and i felt 'empowered' if that is what it can be called. It was strange, it was like for that brief one second i actually had the belief and strength that i KNEW i could do the deed. I actually try my best to concentrate and recreate that feeling, and suppose that if i can make that euphoric feeling last even 1 minute, some where down the line i could go through with it. Does anyone else that brief feeling?

[No One]

You obviously have the intelligence to succeed academically, but, you may be facing personal issues; perhaps with socialization beyond a high school environment, responsibility that comes with freedom, the need to schedule effectively, really applying and working hard (I know 2 people who passed on Harvard University in order to take the easy road - aaghh!!) in the face of changed circumstances and increased challenges; or, you could be suffering from a pyschological disturbance. The former is perfectly natural, takes time, and, really, really requires you to recognize and acknowledge it before getting to work on it. The latter is far more common than people acknowledge, and requires the same attention that any illness would - medical attention (go ahead and feel a stigma about it if you adore the pre-19th century mentality, otherwise, let's move-on).

 

I would imagine that your family's greatest disappointment must be in their gifted son who no longer is willing to try and try. ["Once in college I found that i couldn't get by as i did before..."]

 

I've never done it, but, suicide doesn't seem all that difficult (particularly if you "could just take a pill"). I'm not a trained threapist, but, I would bet that the real source of the happy feeling is the thought that you set death as the marker for surpassing all of your problems, and, you feel how great it would be to have all of your worries behind you. Of course, YOU are the one who decided to set that goal...all of your demons are not being caused by being alive, they have arisen due to your choices, attitudes, and many experiences. Suicide is a nice, neat little package, but, it also seems like a loss leader to me in your situation.

 

In summary: WAVESEER's post may be some awesome advice, something that you may want to be happy over.

[marie43]

this is my first time ever writing on this thing, so please forgive me if i sound stupid. i read what you wrote and was heartbroken that you are so devastated and hopeless. i hear often about how people are thinking about killing themselves and the fact that you are getting happiness from killing yourself is alarming! i have felt overwhelmed thru my life. and there's been periods in my life where it seems like i'm stagnant and going nowhere. however, you and i both have a new tomorrow and the chance to make a change in the direction we are going. in 1 year from now, who knows what we could accomplish! i had friends tell me they would come to my house and fix it up so i could sell it (i had said i needed to sell it). i didn't feel comfortable about letting them do it, but they insisted that God wanted to bless me. i know several people they could help instead, so it prompted me to actually get off the couch in front of the tv and start doing the repairs i needed to do instead of having them do it. it has really given me a sense of accomplishment. so actually God has blessed me because otherwise i would be vegetating in front of that stupid tv like i have for the past 4 years since my husband died. sorry for the long story but back to how you are feeling...i work daily with people who feel like you have said, some with drug/alcohol problems (which do actually lead to thoughts of suicide with continued use) and other who are having pain from any number of things. it's that the pain of whatever your problem is is outweighing your coping response. so...it's a little work but trying to find a new response instead of suicide is an option. one that will give you (and your family) happiness. my sister went to college for 10 years to get her associates. did she feel like crap? yes, but she finally did it! does she feel like crap now because it took her so long? no...life goes on.

[misstycal]

Its interesting how we measure success.

 

Everyone has different standards, and i mean everyone. We feel the standards we have for ourselves are the ones others have for us, or others have for themselves but really how we measure our worth is different for everyone.

 

What we were praised for as kids, what important people felt were important effect how we often unconsciously measure ourselves and this can become a problem as we get older and this measure no longer really works for us.

 

Does this mean we need to lower our standards? NO, but we could adjust them somewhat. Why should popularity and funniness be how we measure our success when now we are better other things now.

 

We often get into a rut with depression where all we see is the negative and seldom observe the positives of who we are because we value them less. When you want to feel better VALUE every aspect of yourself not just the stuff you feel equates to being successful because those standards and measurements are as made up as all other qualities you are ignoring about yourself. Make what you ARE good at the measure for your success, because success and failure is all relative.

 

In my opinion...

[babycastles]

i agree with just about everything the above posts have said- i would just like to add that you having nothing to offer the world is an utter lie. your life is a gift that could help so many different people, if you just go out and volunteer. if you feel you can no longer help yourself, at least use your abilities to make a difference in someone's life. i promise, this will be beneficial to your spirit in the long run. your life is NOT worthless.