Is it the race thing or my own insecurity?

[InvisibleOne]

I have been dating a wonderful caucasian man for about 3 months now. He used to be very communicative with his feelings in the beginning, texting all the time and emails back and forth all day telling me all the wonderful things a woman loves to hear, until I gave in to him. We are both in our first IR relationship (I'm black).

 

Anyways, of recent I have noticed him pulling back from me a bit. No more emails or texting until I initiate it. No more I love yous until I say it first. I know there are a lot of issues going on in his life that may be stressful to him (uncertainity of getting another decent job after his fast approaching retirement from military, also he recently found out he cannot have a child of his own etc etc), but I also have a feeling that perhaps his parents and/or friends are not approving of our relationship.

 

First off, we planned to meet his parents like a month ago, but after he spoke to them that topic was never brought up ever in our conversation. Now, he comes from a state where black people are rare so there goes my concern about his parents not being too happy about it. I also have never met any of his friends just yet even though he claims he speaks about me to them (and shows them my Facebook blah blah blah). On the other hand, he has met my sister and my son, and comes and goes at my house as he likes without a worry in world. Therefore we can also say all my neighbours know him as well. When we go out, he seems carefree with PDA, holds my hand, kisses, and also playing with my son so I'm getting kind of mixed feelings there. I know that he is okay with being with me, but perhaps other external forces are pulling him in a different direction? I should also point out that when we are together he's still very sweet as always, cuddles, cooks for us, puts my son to bed etc etc. When we make love it's still explosive as well, he still seems to enjoy it as much as I do. It's only when we are apart and when he travels (which is VERY frequently) that's when I get this vibe that he's being distant and pulls away.

 

So what is going on??

 

My wish is for him to communicate more & lovingly just like he used to be. I think it's important considering he travels a lot. I always end up feeling abandoned and very frustrated when he's away.

 

Question: should I bring this up with him? How? I don't want to come off as insecure or needy. I want to be understanding because there's a chance he may be behaving that way because of his other issues going in his life. What do I do? When I ask him what's wrong with him lately, all I'm getting is either I'm just tired or some other lame excuse.

 

Please help, thanks a lot. I happen to love him very much and don't want to lose him.

 

PS: He's really not a player type at all, if anything he's nerdy and very inexperienced at certain things. 40, and divorced, if that helps. I'm also divorced and 32.

[Umlunguusa]

Okay, I have quiet a bit of experience in this, as I'm a white guy who's been in NOTHING but interracial relationships (never dated a white girl, almost did) and let me tell you: IT'S NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR RACE!!! I know that's one of the stresses of IR's is wondering whether or not something is race related, but honestly, if he's been with you 3 months, that's long enough for everyone to know, so it's obvious that it isn't the issue (unless he hid you everywhere he went)

 

I think he's just a typical guy with cold feet and personal insecurity (which you should look into) but I highly doubt it's race related.

 

also remember, he could be trying to PROTECT you, rather than hide you--I dated a girl who never met my dad but wanted to, and I kept making excuses--she thought I was ashamed of her being black. in the end, I was honest and said it was to protect her from that kind've experience of racism. she was pissed (for me lying to her), but found it sweet in the end anyways.

[Umlunguusa]

also, the military is quite famous for integration, racially speaking. my friend went into the Navy, and he said you forget skin color--the only thing you remember is name and rank, so I'm sure, coming from that environment, it's not racial.

 

However, you should communicate to him about his traveling, if it really bothers you that much.

 

oh, and one more thing: I think it's important for him to put YOU first, not his career or friends. afterall, he says he loves you...that's all the reason you need.

[InvisibleOne]

Thanks so much, I never thought of it in that perspective. I remember one time he said he comes from a very small town and people are very racist and there's no way he can ever go back to live there. So perhaps its true that he's protecting rather than hiding.

 

My concern is maybe his parents are getting to his nerves about us and he's giving in to them by slowly pulling away then perhaps end it? I would rather he gives it to me straight that pulling tricks on me.

 

He clearly puts his career first. I wouldn't have a problem with that if he still kept contact with me while he's away on his business travel, but he doesn't. I'm the only one putting efforts to reach out for him. I still don't know what's going on really.

[Umlunguusa]

 

My concern is maybe his parents are getting to his nerves about us and he's giving in to them by slowly pulling away then perhaps end it? I would rather he gives it to me straight that pulling tricks on me.

 

Perhaps, but then again, no parent's ever got in the way of my endeavors (remember, I had to deal with their parents too, dating a "white boy"...and even if her parent's disagreed on me, she still wouldn't leave me over an issue like that--thank god people are becoming more progressive.