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My girlfriend's ex


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Ok... so I'm not sure if I should be alarmed, but my girlfriend has recently taken a renewed interest in her ex-boyfriend. She chats with him on facebook and talks with him on the phone. She has been wanting to see him a lot lately. We have a fairly open relationship, and I don't want to discourage her from hanging out with friends. The only reason I'm really concerned is that the guy happens to be a drug addict and I'm afraid that his unhealthy habits will have an effect on her. I'm not really sure what to do. I have friends of the opposite gender whom I hang out with sometimes, and she's ok with that, though they're not drug addicts. I've had a few of these kinds of people in my extended family, so needless to say I have trust issues with anyone who fits that description. Am I over-reacting? Any advice would be very much appreciated.

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Are you more concerned about her potentially doing drugs because he is an addict? Was he an addict when they were together? Was she using before?

 

I think you should be more worried that she suddenly wants to hang out with an ex.

 

I wouldn't be ok with any of this.

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Well, to be honest, she clams up when it comes to her past and I let her. I don't like bringing out peoples' skeletons, and I have a feeling that she has a lot in her past that I would rather not know about. I know that she did not use with him. Whether he was a user at the time is uncertain. But the way she acts when the subject of drugs comes up, it makes me wonder: she's never been an addict (at least that I know of), but I'm certain that the potential is there. Honestly, I'm concerned about both things - she's a wonderful person to be with, but: She doesn't recognize the potential danger of what she is doing, and I'm not certain that there isn't something other than friendship between them. This hasn't been an issue until recently, and we've been dating more than 3 years.

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Its unnaceptable because

 

1. Hes her ex boyfriend. Does she want to be his friend or does she want him back? Having an emotional affair. Not appropriate.

 

2. She could get into an unhealthy lifestyle.

 

You need to put your foot down. Tell her your concerns and tell her your there for her but you wont put up with it and how would she like it?

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Right now, I'd be less worried about the potential of her becoming hooked to drugs, since it seems like she's not doing them right now, or is there a sign that she is, and focus on the huge red flag of her suddenly getting back into contact with the ex. It sounds to me like she's being a little shady about it, by clamming up about her past. Of course, I'd still be concerned about the possible drug use, noone wants anyone to start heading down that road, but I'd say you'd want to find out about her motives with starting up contact with her ex, since you have more tangible proof.

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I'd make it perfectly clear in no uncertain terms that maintaining that friendship is unacceptable.

Either she's not done breaking up with him or they are not done going out.

 

Don't try to be the nice liberal guy that doesn't have problems with your mate having a friendship with an ex. Mark my words, that it will be a problem. It will eat at you, you'll become insecure (when you're really not), it will affect your relationship. If she doesn't agree, terminate the relationship and save yourself a bunch of heartache.

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So it's been a while since my last post here, but I thought the problem was solved a few days ago. Then I find out she's been contacting him again. First, I'd like to say that I appreciate the replies. Definitely I'm seein red flags. But she told me that if I trust her, then I shouldn't have any problem with the phone calls and their desire to meet up with one another occasionally. It seems like I'm stuck in a rock and a hard place here, because if I'm the nice guy, then I risk getting hurt, but then again, I feel like it would be mean and untrusting to tell her to sever all ties with the guy. Oh yeah, something I may have forgotten to mention earlier - we live together. That makes just ditching her a little more complicated. Has anyone else ever been in this situation? If so, what happened, and would you have done things differently?

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Sounds super shady. Her whole "if you trust me then" line is utter b.s. A sudden renewal of interest in friendship with an ex is very suspect. The fact that she doesn't even care about your concerns and prioritizes the "friendship" over your relationship is problematic.

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lady00 said it dead on. I ended on good terms with my last ex but i don't have any want to hang out with him when he calls me up or messages me for a chat. This just sounds really weird and I think something in your gut is telling you this also. How would she feel if you started being in constant communication with your ex?

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at this stage i dont think its a big deal . i think i would need to know what kind of a relationship they had and how it ended etc. i have an ex but from about 5 years ago and i really get on well with him. my bf doesnt have a problem with it at all. sometimes we go to the movies or for a drink. i like him so much but as a bf he irritated me and we wanted different things. if my bf told me to stop being friends with him i'd be gobsmacked and i would hate to be put in the position of being FORCED to end a good friendship. i guess a lot depends on how comfortable i make my bf feel in regards to the friendship, for example, i will talk freely about the ex and whats going on his life or ill call him for a chat when my bf is right there, just like i would any of my girl friends. my bf also is friends with 3 of his ex's.

 

if your gut is telling you that she has feelings for this guy , then i would perhaps let her know that you're concerned and then just observe things a bit more.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Okay... so I'm kind of in the same situation.

 

 

Have you spoken to her? It seems like there might be something going on in your relationship that you're not aware of.

 

Also, there may be an underlying reason why she is talking to her ex. I know everyone is quick to jump the gun on the "she's cheating, she's a * * * * " ticket, but that's too easy sometimes. There could be some unanswered questions that she needs answers to, ya know... that whole "closure" deal. They may genuinely be becoming friends. And of course.... they may be re-establishing a relationship in which case you will soon find out.

 

My unprofessional advice is to talk to her. Maybe a nice after candle-light dinner conversation. Ask open ended questions like: "If you could, what would you change about our relationship?" Ask for and accept the criticism gracefully... this will open the doors to deeper underlying issues.

 

Do you really want to find out in a screaming match what the underlying problem in the relationship is/was? Persistent, calm, conversation is key.

 

Does she have any friends? (If not she might be lonely in the relationship)

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