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i know i am jealous.. i am over-reacting?


adorabuble
I Have Feelings For Someone Else Wh...
I Have Feelings For Someone Else While In a Relationship

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I am a new poster, but I've been lurking reading other peoples threads.. I have a problem I'd like some input on..

 

So, I have been in a wonderful relationship for almost a year now. Although my boyfriend and I attended the same college, we didn't meet until we were both graduated (2 years apart) and visiting another city at the same time. He treats me really well, and I always feel like I'm * * * * ing up our relationship. I'm very jealous and have been badly burned in past relationships by my ex getting with/flirting with women online.

 

Here's what's really bothering me. I had done something wrong last summer when we first met. I snooped on his facebook and read an old raunchy message to a girl who I thought was just his friend. I knew it was wrong and logged out and never did it again. It's been bothering me for a long time.. and I always think about it whenever he talks about having female friends. I felt so bad and I just confessed that I had read it and that it had been bothering me all this time.

So he tells me that before he met me, he had been reading a lot about anarchy and other things like that they are very into free love, so he wanted to try it. He knew this girl had liked him before and she had had past successful friends with benefits relationships.. so when he was in town he wanted to try being just friends with benefits. They slept together and he decided didn't like it.. and I guess he obviously didn't have any feeling for this girl. But, that isn't really the issue here.. This was before I met him.

The thing is, this girl lives in my town, and this happened about two months before I met him. After I met him, he came to visit me. He invited this girl and another girl he used to date out to a picnic with us. I didn't know any of this at the time.. but now that I do, I feel so stupid. Before his visit with me was over, I had hung out with more of his ex's than I have ex's. Of course, I didn't know this at the time.. I found out months later that he dated/been with all of these girls. When I met a lot of them something felt off, and I really thought they didn't like me but I just brushed it off as me being paranoid.. but now I'm wondering if my initial instinct was correct.. but anyways.. I am over-reacting by thinking this was completely inappropriate?

I had known about two girls he introduced me to that were his ex-girlfriends for a long time now. And it bugged me at first, but I had gotten over it.. The thing that is making me really upset is the last girl I just found out about.. The girl that he had visited and slept with just like two months before getting together with me.. and then we he visited me he wanted to see and hang out with her too (he told me they were just friends). I know he didn't and would never cheat on me.. It's just really awkward for me to think that I went on a picnic and everyone there had been with him at some point in time.

Am I over-reacting?

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No, it looks like he's having some issues putting his exes out of his life. Whether or not he is pursuing something with one of them, its actually really appropriate of him to just invite a couple of his exes over to spend time with you and him. Not only that, but the fact that they seemed hostile to you (i wouldnt be surprised if they were shooting daggers at each other as well) sounds like there may be some unresolved feelings on their part here. I know I wouldn't bring my exes around to hang out with my current gf and I.

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I know I wouldn't bring my exes around to hang out with my current gf and I.

 

Yeah, that just sounds weird. I'm all for getting along with your exes.. I just do not think they have any place in your life once you get a new boyfriend/girlfriend. I certainly wouldn't want to hang out with my boyfriend's exes. Awkwardness all around. But yeah, if he only screwed these girls before you, you can't really hold his past against him. What matters is what he does now that he is with you.

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From my point of view your jealousy is very founded in this situation and almost any person would be uncomfortable going on hang out dates with their partner and two of his ex's. What I dont like that he did was not explain to you that these were the same girls he slept with and simply told you that they are just friends. In a way he didn't lie because at the time you guys are dating they may very well be just friends but he for sure didnt give you the whole story with them which you had a right to know especially if the four of you were to hang out together. Since the relationship seems great for you guys other than this multiple ex issue you guys have to sit down and compromise on a reasonable solution. He will want to be friends with all these girls he slept with where as this makes you very jealous. Come up with something reasonable between the two of you where both of you get a bit of what you want and both of you make slight sacrifices to meet down the middle. What I would think is fair in this situation is that you tell him that you want him to tell you of any girls he slept with (the whole story) if they are to be friends and that if you are made uncomfortable by any of these exs he act on it and put you as priority therefore give them up or at least reduce the contact for your benefit afterall you are his girlfriend and they are just exs.

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No, you are not overreacting at all. I would not like it at all if my boyfriend were to ask his ex'es to hang out with us - without letting me know that they had a history together. Even though he may think of them as friends, he is not being entirely honest about the whole situation. How would he feel if the tables were turned? I'm sure he wouldn't like it then. You definitely have to speak to him and call him out on this. Let him know that it makes you uncomfortable and that although you don't mind him remaining friends with his ex'es, there is no reason to bring them along on your dates. I really don't understand what he is trying to establish by doing this. Good luck, I hope everything works out for you.

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I don't think you have an issue with jealousy per se.

 

I think you have every right to question what the hell he is doing by putting you into a situation like that

 

I would confront him.. ask him if he gets a kick from getting all his ex's and (future) ex's together? If he respects you he will give you an honest answer.

 

Sounds to me like he is on some ego trip

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