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Lost the Love Of Your Love? Watch T...
Lost the Love Of Your Love? Watch This!

Hi Everyone,

 

I found this site shortly after my boyfriend and I broke up. I have been feeling so much better since reading all of your posts that I decided I'd post my story and see what you may think.

 

So my boyfriend and I met online and we talked for about a month before we actually met. We hit it off right away but we talked maybe once or twice a week since I was dating other people and really didn't want to take one person too seriously. So we decided to meet up and coincidentally, I actually had a short date with someone before him (you know, to save time lol). Anyway, I met him and he was much better looking in person and he thought the same and we hit it off.

 

Anyway, we continued talked here and there after that. Anyways on V-Day he sent me a very sweet text saying he saw something special in me and hope I had a good weekend (since I was going home for about a week). So long story short, we went on our second date and he wanted to make it official cause he didn't want to share me with anyone. We ended up having a really intense relationship and had no arguments or anything.

 

Well we were dating for a couple months, but we were having a few minor issues. At first, he was more affectionate and what not and I wasn't, since I was scared of getting into a relationship initially (my ex cheated on me). But after a while, I became more affectionate and he was too, but maybe not as strong as the beginning. So I asked him about it, and he basically just told me not to worry about it everything was fine. But it ate away at me... I was becoming paranoid as I did with my last boyfriend (which was for good reason cause shortly after I found out he was cheating). However, I didn't think he was cheating or anything, I guess I was just comparing to how he was acting at the beginning. I got emotional talking about with him twice but he really didn't want to talk about it and basically told me to not worry. Anyway, the day we broke up we were making plans to see each other (we only talked every couple of days and saw each other once a week) and I asked him about it again, but this time I told him I don't want you to change for me (I said this a few times) but help me understand why you're not as affectionate cause I'm not used to it. So he got frustrated and basically said that he thinks I'm insecure and that it's not fair that I'm making him pay for my exes mistakes and it's my problem not his and that I just need to learn to go with the flow and I'm too impatient. So I was caught off guard cause this was the first time he mentioned any of this to me. Anyway, he subsequently broke up with me saying that he didn't think it would work out in the long run. I pleaded a bit, but he wanted to get off the phone.

 

3 days later I called him once, he didn't answer so I ended up emailing him explaining things. He said that he's sticking to his decision, and that he thinks I'm a very good person and he hopes I understand. I wrote back that I understood and to take care of himself

 

I have successfully had no contact now for about 2 weeks and I'm A-okay thanks to everyone's posts. I'm feeling good and I have accepted the break up. I believe he is a wonderful man and I have really thought out everything I was doing and he was doing wrong in the relationship. I would like to get back with him but I have already started dating and know that I am a wonderful person and girlfriend and I of course have things to work on like anyone else. I have began to work on my insecurity issues and totally see where he was coming from. So thank you to all of you for (uknowingly) helping me But any thoughts are appreciated!

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Sounds like things are on track for you. Sometimes something positive can come out of a breakup--such as learning about yourself and things you can do to improve for yourself and for future relationships.

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Yes, I definitely did learn a lot and I am the type of person that continually wants to improve myself. I was an utterly ridiculous mess with my other ex boyfriend (who cheated on me). I crank called him and did a bunch of foolish stuff to deal with my pain and it totally did not help and I vowed I would NEVER act that way again, it was pointless and pathetic. Plus, he was an * * * * * * * and this current ex boyfriend was great and showed me that there are still wonderful men out there.

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Sorry things didn't work out. In all honesty what your previous ex (the cheater) did to you was his problem and should not reflect on the wonderful person you are and what you have to offer a relationship.

 

Just realize that people are who they are and will do what they want despite the consequences or pain they cause another person they are supposed to love and care about.

 

People who cheat are the truly insecure ones not the person being cheated on.

 

If a guy were to ever cheat on me then he is the big loser not me...says to me he just didn't value himself enough to see the gold in his hands.

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I agree with you DreamWarrior. He treated me like crap and I took a long time to get over that situation and gain back my confidence. However, my recent ex was the first person I was with since the cheater, so I guess maybe I had some residual things to work on cause I have NEVER known what its like to be in a healthy, loving relationship. I guess I didn't believe I deserved such a wonderful man, but now that we're broken up, I know I do. Which tells me that if we're meant to be, we will. If not, then I will meet someone who appreciates me. There are great men out there like him, it's all about patience.

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  • 1 month later...

Honey610, I think you are not over him, and you are still very into him, as I was there, and have been there since 4 months ago (broke up due to my insecurity)... it's hard to get over someone wonderful who barely has faults in your memories, since the beginning of relationship is nice and he was the one calling off.

 

I was never able to keep NC for more than 3 weeks with the guy, I think he still thinks that nothing special about me to have a long-term relationship with, and now I moved to a new city and it will be the chance to finally keep NC for good, and it's necessary for me to move on. If he comes back later, in 1 year or even longer, it will be a plus in my happy life.

 

Good luck!

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Why?? I don't get it.

 

Here's my perspective:

 

Because a secure person gets what he or she wants without feeling the need to resort to lies and deception. A person who hides and cheats does so in an effort to gain some kind of satisfaction - a satisfaction that secure people find with honesty and transparency. Secure people seek out those things that they need without apology, deceit, or harm to another; insecure ones find hidden ways to meet those needs, ways that (because they are hidden) do not leave them at risk of being rejected by those close to them.

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Here's my perspective:

 

Because a secure person gets what he or she wants without feeling the need to resort to lies and deception. A person who hides and cheats does so in an effort to gain some kind of satisfaction - a satisfaction that secure people find with honesty and transparency. Secure people seek out those things that they need without apology, deceit, or harm to another; insecure ones find hidden ways to meet those needs, ways that (because they are hidden) do not leave them at risk of being rejected by those close to them.

 

I agree with this 100%. There is nothing more frustrating than trying to have a healthy relationship with an insecure person who will not communicate in a straightforward fashion.

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Thank you for your comments.

 

Lucius, I don't understand what you meant by your reply.... are you referring to me as the secure one or him? Could you elaborate?

 

Waveseer, I don't know if you meant me or him... but I was very direct about everything that I was feeling during the relationship.

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Lucius, I don't understand what you meant by your reply.... are you referring to me as the secure one or him? Could you elaborate?

 

I was referring to any and all cheaters as being insecure - in support of Dreamwarrior's claim.

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TigerFan yes it's been 2 months now and I have had NC. I was thinking of sending a letter but I don't know... I feel like its pointless...so I haven't done anything.

 

Girl Wants Ex, you're right I'm not over him. I don't even understand why we broke up really. I mean, I understand his reasoning but I don't understand how someone would just get up and leave without discussing any of their concerns prior? He never talked to me about anything that was bothering him. It's been a tough pill to swallow.

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Oh okay thanks for clarifying

 

It's been 2 months of NC... do you think I should contact him? I have so many mixed emotions... on the one hand, I feel like I should leave it alone cause he broke up with me...and then on the other hand, I feel like life is too short and I don't want to regret not trying...

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Thank you for your comments.

 

 

Waveseer, I don't know if you meant me or him... but I was very direct about everything that I was feeling during the relationship.

 

I understand. I was referring to the type of insecurity that drives deceitful behavior into which cheating falls.

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People who feel that you are worth it..will put in the effort to comfort you to a certain extend.

 

Your ex showed that he knew about your insecurities, but did not feel that he wanted to give something to you to make you feel more at ease..other than the words that everything is fine..

 

Everything is not fine when you pick up on the signals of retreat....If you notice a difference in behaviour...its normal to feel insecure about it..because you are trying to assess what is going on..

 

Most likely he felt that it put too much of a strain on him to meet you so much as halfway in your needs...And when you are not that long of a time together..the radars in the head start to work...and off they go..

 

So yeah...you were 'blessed' with the opportunity to set things straight for you and to learn to get centered within yourself..no matter who decides to dishonour themselves by cheating on the one they supposedly love.

Its time that you learn that happiness and trust is something you give yourself first and foremost.

 

Is it up to another to take your insecurity away?..no..hell no..but if you have a loving partner ..than it is just as much their part as yours to assist you in getting to that point of growth.

 

Your ex..was not up for the task!. Did he love you?..maybe he did and maybe he didnt..point is..he left. Plain and simple...he left. You can not share, talk, feel, express...nothing. He left...

 

So now its time for you to leave that relationship as well...and truly move on to the new and exciting people that await to love you..just to love you for the bits he ran away from.

 

Will he come back? maybe he will and maybe he won't...the point is not if he will come back..its if you truly want him too.

 

Because...leaving when there was every chance to work on a you and him?..hmmm...doubtful

 

In my mind..you have dodged a major bullet right there..

 

But it will not take away from the sadness you still feel about losing him..even if you are dating other guys. To loose someone..when you feel that you could have prevented that..could well be the worse feeling. But unfortunately..its out of our hands.

 

Just make the loss worthwile by becoming the woman you are supposed to be and leave those demons where they are supposed to be..

 

Onwards and upwards little lady..onwards and upwards..

 

Best of luck..

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Broken34, thank you for your thoughtful response. You're right. And honestly, yesterday I thought about it through and through and came to some of the insightful conclusions you also pointed out.

 

I guess at first I blamed the whole thing on me, but I'm human... I have insecurities and he didn't even want to address any concerns he may have been having. And to be honest, he never even said "Everything is fine" when I brought it up....he wouldn't say anything. He just listened and I talked... no response nothing. So at the end of the day, I agree with you. I probably knew it all along which is why I was adamant about not calling him... and I'm glad I haven't.

 

Thank you again, your words really helped

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... I have insecurities and he didn't even want to address any concerns he may have been having. And to be honest, he never even said "Everything is fine" when I brought it up....he wouldn't say anything. He just listened and I talked... no response nothing.

 

I think in general, men don't like to talk about "Relationship".

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  • 2 weeks later...

Update:

 

So it's been 3 months since the break up and I was still thinking about it a lot. So I started reading the book "Make up, Don't Break Up" and I don't know, something came over me so I decided to call him. I left a voicemail simply saying, "Hey its XXXXX, just wanted to see how you're doing. If you like, call me back at XXX-XXXX. Hope all is well".

 

The thing is that, I wasn't really calling him to hear from him (cause I didn't really think he would call back anyway), but I did it to kind of test how I feel. And its weird cause I do miss him but I feel so much better. Not to say I don't have relapses for about 30 seconds a day since I called, but overall I'm much better. And whatever hope I had left, is now further diminished which I think I needed to truly move on.

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Let us know if he calls back- my insecurities helped ruin my last relationship- however in that case I did have a reason to be insecure- he was dating his ex at the same time as me!

 

I'm very interested in the outcome, I don't necessarily want my ex back- just want him to want me, haha!

 

-K

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  • 2 weeks later...

UPDATE:

 

So the last time I wrote on here was when I had called my ex and left a voicemail to see how he's doing. And I honestly thought I would never talk to him again... but on Friday I was surprised to receive a call from him.

 

It was a great conversation. We caught up, laughed and even made some references to our past relationship. Interestingly enough, he asked if I was seeing anyone and I just told him I've been dating but nothing serious and I was surprised to hear that he is still single as well (though I convinced myself that he was probably seeing someone). I was actually surprised he even asked me if I was seeing someone. I remained calm and never brought up the relationship, but like I said he made some references to it and we kind of indirectly talked about one of the issues we had which was him feeling pressured. Which at the time of our break up, I didn't understand. But after not being with him for the past 3 months, I have come to see his point of view regarding the demise of our relationship.

 

We talked for about 45 minutes and I got off the phone cause I had to go out but it was just so nice to hear from him. I don't know if this means anything. I'm just assuming it doesn't mean anything because its been easier for me to cope that way and allows me to remain happy with the fact he actually called me. We said we would keep in touch which is good.

 

I was thinking of asking him to hang out in maybe another week or two, what do you guys think? I say a week or two cause I don't want to push things right away, I want to take things really slow if there is still a chance.

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I'm glad you got a phone call! Yay!

 

Please don't rush anything. He called you back, that's a good sign. Continue to be friendly and apply everything that you've learned about yourself during this period of NC. But don't apply it as in, "Hey, guess what I learned about our past relationship?!" Don't bring up the relationship until he does. The talk about it calmly with no pressure.

 

Slow and steady...

 

Your situation sounds a little similar to mine.

 

My thread is "is it really over this time?" Any advice would be appreciated.

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