i texted her and asked her how she was doing

[sunnyv]

HI CL76 and Friendnorfoe,

 

I really appreciate you guys helping me out with this. You are really helping to pick me back up off the floor and I greatly appreciate that. I see what you both are saying. I am going to stick to this resolution that it is her loss and that the time I have been wasting on her will be better spent on myself. I have already gotten into incredible shape, bought a new car and feel generally better. Its just every now and then I have these days where I want to reach out to her. Now I know when these days come to just continue on my path of NC. I do believe one day she will reach out to me and at that time I am going to be even stronger than I am now. You are right CL76 the next person will benefit from all the things I have done to improve myself, not to mention, I myself will benefit the utmost from this. Thank you guys!!!!!!!!!!!! I will keep you posted on my situation. Today I feel better, although the sting of what she said is still there, but for the most part I feel better, back in control where I am doing NC and trying not to think about her or even what she said any further. Its out of my control like you both said.

[Brownstone322]

I hate to rewind, but how long were you together, why'd you break up, how long have you been apart?

[sunnyv]

hi brownstone

 

i'm 31, she is 28. we were best friends for 6 years and dated for a year and a half. we broke up this past november because she wanted time to be alone. she has always been in relationships and wanted time to be alone because she felt she had never ever been alone and wanted to find herself. she felt she had lost her goals, her dreams her aspirations and as result she no longer loved herself. so we broke up. it hurt me real bad but i understood. it was nothing i did wrong at all. i was the best partner to her ever. she just recently lost her job so i was trying to be there as a friend for her, unfortunately she is leaning on some new friends she made and really doesn't need my help or care. its hard because like i said we were best friends for 6 years. i not only have lost my partner but my best friend as well.

 

i'm kinda of like you in a way where i am older and not as young as other people on here and really don't care about going out and just meeting a girl to just meet a girl. i know what i want and i don't want to waste my time on anybody that does not fit my needs.

 

oh forgot to mention we did take a break from talking but mostly lc during our split between november and now.

[Brownstone322]

i'm 31, she is 28. we were best friends for 6 years and dated for a year and a half. we broke up this past november because she wanted time to be alone. she has always been in relationships and wanted time to be alone because she felt she had never ever been alone and wanted to find herself. she felt she had lost her goals, her dreams her aspirations and as result she no longer loved herself. so we broke up.

OK, that makes a bit of since; it's not unreasonable on her part. But it does, of course, indicate that she also blames her commitment to you as part of the reason why she lost sight of her goals and dreams. That's probably not valid thinking, of course, but she'll need time to figure that out for herself. Don't bother telling her what a great partner you were.

 

Here's what troubles me, though: You're both mature adults, and you've already had a decent period of separation. I've come to think that six months is about right for people to re-evaluate things. I'm shocked, really, that she reacted the way she did. Most people after six months would be, at worst, polite and neutral; most people don't stay angry or tense for long periods unless the circumstances were really bad. Her reply, though, was terse, arguably rude. Why on earth after so much time?

 

This part does click, however: She's always had a relationship, and I suspect she's always relied on someone else for various forms of support (emotional, financial, convenience ... whatever applies). Now she's decided to go it alone, and she still appears to be in that "I don't need anyone (especially you)" phase. My girlfriend started out like that when she first said she was going to move out -- she didn't want any kind of help from me in any form. But by the time she left, she gladly took my Blu-ray player and a few other convenience items I had offered her; she was lightening up already, and she wasn't even out the door yet.

 

Your ex is putting up defenses, you know, still stating her "declaration of independence." I'm just surprised that she still sees a need to express it. (There's a flip side, however; people who truly don't care are perfectly calm and exude indifference. But any show of emotion -- positive or negative -- indicates that they're still connected to the relationship.)

 

OK, you're like me in that you're mature and you're willing to bide your time. The fact is, we don't know how this will ultimately resolve itself, but we do know that the resolution isn't coming any time soon. If you really are like me, then you'll be willing to wait this out and see where it goes. But you have to "let go" for now -- you can't pine every day; you can't wonder about her every day; you can't hope for dramatic change every day. You just have to do whatever it is you do, and let time have its way. Anyone over 30 will tell you that time has dramatic effects. (And something tells me your life, overall, is actually pretty good.)

 

But don't confuse this with the "assume there's no hope" or "assume it's over" or "forget about her" or "just move on" advice that you see so much here. Those courses of action are, in their own ways, the easy way out, the immature way out. (I might sometimes subscribe to those views myself, but it would depend on the situation. I'd also expect nothing less from 22-year-olds still bitter about their last breakups. So consider the source.)

 

You do, however, have to accept that nothing is going to get resolved now. So resign yourself to living your life, and don't pass up any good opportunities that may come along. How long will this go on? I don't know, but, trust me, it'll come clear eventually, and it'll be fine.

[sunnyv]

thanks brownstone for the great advice.

 

yes i agree after 6 months you would think she would be in a better frame of mind. the thing is that she was starting to, just a few weeks ago she was texting me and we even hung out a few times. then she was getting told she was losing her job. all of a sudden her tone changed, she became very aggravated and distant from me. all she wanted to do was work on herself. so she ended up losing her job and as you can tell thats why i tried reaching out to her via text to let me know i was here for her. thats when she responded so rudely. i just think she does not handle bad news or conflict well. in that way she is still very immature. she can't handle bad news or bad things that happen to her. her conflict resolution skills are not the best.

 

i still believe in this girl very much, i just think she is lost right not and has a case of the grass is greener or the idea that she thinks she is missing out on not being single and enjoying the single life. but we all know we always want what we can't have and once we get it we want what we can't have again. i think she is in this stage.

 

nothign happened bad between us-thats the crazy thing. she ended up feeling lost, and she talked to her brother and of course he gave her typical male advice and said, you need to play the field, you need to be alone, you have always been in a relationship and that is keeping you from working on yourself. so the rest is history-i was dumped.

 

so i will be patient. i will work on myself and just live my life. either she will come back or some magnificent girl will come my way. i really believe this.

[Brownstone322]

Good reactions. And keep in mind that she is under a lot of stress right now with the job situation. When she recovers from that, her frame of mind might yet improve after all.

 

All of us here need to resist the urge of selfishness. Sometimes I think all we care about is our own pain and our own happiness. Remember, though, that our exes, even if they dumped us, are going through difficult emotional times as well, and we always need to be sensitive to that.

[FriendnorFoe]

When my ex called me after 7 weeks of NC, she also told me she lost her job, the extent of my intrest was why did you lose it? and that kinda stinks. I didnt care anymore, we were no longer a couple, a "team", so my interest was the equivilant of if someone I worked with or vaguely knew told me the same thing.

 

I asked myself what is my current relationship to her? Well, I approached this without emotions getting in the way, so this was a girl who I previously went out with, she no longer wanted to be with me so we stopped talking and hanging out, there is no items at my house or her house that is important enough to try to get, we have no mutual friends really, or places where we would bump into each other without some effort to go out of the way. So basically there is no reason for me to really talk to her at this point, let alone be intrested or involved in anything she is doing.

 

Honestly you have to get to the point where you feel so detached from her life if she called you to tell you she is sleepin' with someone and the sex is amazing, you could just thanks for the info, and laugh it off.

 

Remember it is not the situation that harms you, but merely your personal judgment about how it affects you. Take away the thought of injury, and the injury is gone, take way the injury and no man will think he has been wronged. Take care

[sunnyv]

hi friendnorfoe,

 

yes i have to get to that place that if she were to call ever and tell me she met somebody new i could just shrug it off. thats my goal is to get to this place. i don't want to be a puppet controlled by her, running to her anytime she would ever call. i want to be strong enough that i am indifferent to her. hopefully in time i can get to this place.