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want to heal the marriage/separated


voivod

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i've lurked here for a couple of weeks. i wasn't sure that this was exactly the place i should be. but there seems to be a lot of intelligent talk going on here...so...i'll post.

 

i am 46. my wife 40. we met when she was 17. we're been married 16 years. we have 4 children. girl/17, girl/12, girl/11. boy/6.

 

we started having problems about the time my boy was born. i was diagnosed with hypertension and took medication for only a few months. my wife found out because when i went to get a vasectomy, the doctor said he wouldn't operate until i got the bp down. she told me she was dissapointed in me. i medicated to get it lower, and had the vasectomy.

 

subsequently, i got off the meds again (they made me feel like * * * * ), gained weight, drank too much, and finally had an almost fatal stroke. wife literally saved my life and mobility (i will explain as this thread goes on, as i'm sure it will).

 

camer home from the hospital in about 4 months. one of my goals physically was to be able to mow my lawn. mission accomplished! the whole 1/3 acre. docs said it was going to be a miracle if i ever walked again...here i am mowing.

 

so i go inside the house to cool off, in the fridge was a coors light. damn! i popped the top and drank it. wife flipped out! threw her wedding ring at me, crying and said "is that how you're gonna treat the person who saved your life!?!? we're over!"

 

so here we are, separated for several months. 3 counselors later, i've gained valuable knowledge as to my stupid thinking. bottom line is this: sober 51 weeks, no jealousy (a big issue with her) and...here's thew crazt part:

 

we see each other regularly. sunday family drives, movie nights, lunches, dinner, watch sporting events together, concerts, comedy shows, late night tv. she often is the instigator of these "dates."

 

remember, she has said "we're over" and that i "don't get it" and "i blew this a long time ago. (????)

 

insight: zero infidelity on either part. she has since told me how much she loved me. calls me "honey" pretty regularly.

 

i guess my question for the group here is: is there a chance for reconciliation here? i love her deeply and want to have our family together.

 

there are some other peripheral issues i'd like to cover in subsequent posts.

 

opinions?

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the same exact advice i've been given by counselors and friends. you're right, at least with me. i want it back together now now now. patience has not been my strong suit. but i'm gettin' better.

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sounds like this one is salvagable.. just give it time and space and be patient..

 

thats the hardest things with breakups is being patient, because we all want things now now now..

I agree completely. She's very disappointed because by neglecting yourself, you're neglecting the relationship and the entire family, which violates trust.

 

Strive to be a better, healthy guy, and let her take notice over time. You can't say you're on the right track; you have to live it.

 

The rest stands a good chance of taking care of itself.

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mr brownstone! one of my favorite gnr jams! thanks to you too. i've been a little in the funk today.

 

disappointed is a word she used about me not staying healthy before. since the stroke, i've lost 100 pounds and bp is 110/70.

 

living on the right track is what i've been doing, but it's hard to display it as an action.

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living on the right track is what i've been doing, but it's hard to display it as an action.

Stay at it; it's probably the best thing you could ever do, for yourself and your family. She'll notice.

 

Sure beats riding the "Night Train" at this point in your life.

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Stay at it; it's probably the best thing you could ever do, for yourself and your family. She'll notice.

 

Sure beats riding the "Night Train" at this point in your life.

 

yeah, i'm sure she has noticed something. on a sunday drive a couple of weeks ago, she said "it sure is nice to see you not so tense."

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and tonite she invited me to her end of season soccer party, i gotta get a grip. i told her i had something to do tonight. hell, i got NOTHING to do tonight.

 

would there be any point to going no contact now?

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There is no way we can really know the dynamic between you two by a few lines in a post but when I read this: " she told me she was dissapointed in me. " because you had high BP that seems a little disturbing to me. I dont have any idea but if she is that way on a regular basis then you might want to ask if getting back with her is a good idea. I would err on the side of getting back for your childern's sake but that struck me as pretty heartless. If that is the true her then being in a toxic relationship like that again might just kill you. Like I said I really have no idea how to judge your relationship because there isnt enough info here but you certainly do. At least think about my point and either dismiss it if I have it all wrong or consider the harm renewing that relationship may cause if I'm not.

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There is no way we can really know the dynamic between you two by a few lines in a post but when I read this: " she told me she was dissapointed in me. " because you had high BP that seems a little disturbing to me.

That caught my eye at first too, but I think I figured it out: She was disappointed to find out that he had stopping taking his meds, not simply that he had high blood pressure. (Nobody's that crazy, right?)

 

By the way, hypertension is often hereditary, and in those cases, you're going to have it later in life no matter what your lifestyle choices are.

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That caught my eye at first too, but I think I figured it out: She was disappointed to find out that he had stopping taking his meds, not simply that he had high blood pressure. (Nobody's that crazy, right?)

 

By the way, hypertension is often hereditary, and in those cases, you're going to have it later in life no matter what your lifestyle choices are.

 

no...her disappointment in me stopping my meds is a mild euphemism for the disappointment she has had in me over the course of our marriage. i had been previously counseled on the dangers of hypertension. my wife had said many time before she "didn't want me to die." i had made some pretty bad lifestyle choices that almost led to that. i guess the euphemism made no sense without me giving you this piece of info: i had a near deadly stroke on january og 2008. i am just now returning to some sense of normalcy. im out of the hospital, walking, talking, working. i'm just about back.

 

sorry for the omission, i am just tired of telling the story. no pity parties plz.

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No worries. I live a very healthy lifestyle: I work out five or six times a week, I'm a selective, whole-grain, low-fat eater, I weigh 160 pounds and wear a 32 waist, I don't smoke, I'm a light (red wine) drinker ... and I'm still on Benicar. Hereditary. (But it's one little pill every day; what could be easier than that?)

 

But, yeah, you can't be slowly destroying yourself in front on your mate. Bad idea, that.

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No worries. I live a very healthy lifestyle: I work out five or six times a week, I'm a selective, whole-grain, low-fat eater, I weigh 160 pounds and wear a 32 waist, I don't smoke, I'm a light (red wine) drinker ... and I'm still on Benicar. Hereditary. (But it's one little pill every day; what could be easier than that?)

 

But, yeah, you can't be slowly destroying yourself in front on your mate. Bad idea, that.

 

i completely abstain from alcohol, am a selective eater myself. not as low fat as i should, but i've lost 100 pounds since last year. bp now 135/70 from 160/110. (due in part to several meds, including metoprolol, lisinolpril).

 

far from slowly destroying myself. i'm slowly reconstructing myself.

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i completely abstain from alcohol, am a selective eater myself. not as low fat as i should, but i've lost 100 pounds since last year. bp now 135/70 from 160/110. (due in part to several meds, including metoprolol, lisinolpril).

 

far from slowly destroying myself. i'm slowly reconstructing myself.

Great progress. And 160 systolic isn't so bad ... I could hit around 200 before I got on meds! (On the other hand, 110 diastolic is an eye-catcher, for sure.)

 

Anyway, that's great work, and your wife is sure to appreciate it.

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brownstone--

 

i can't tell whether she appreciates it or anything. she says she "still has walls." last conversation about that, i said "if you'd let your walls down you could see what a good person i'm becoming."

 

she responded, "no way, 6 months of good behavior does not make up for 16 years of bad behavior."

 

end of conversation.

 

interestingly enough, we still spend lots of time together. almost scheduled, assumed. saturday's tend to be for movies and dinner, for example. so i don't know if the walls are prefabricated or what.

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She has a point. You gotta wear down those walls brick by brick, like rain and wind and temperature changes. She's not gonna let you simply knock them down all at once, 'cause I suspect she's too smart for that.

 

So you gotta get in for the long haul. If you think you're up to it, 'course.

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She has a point. You gotta wear down those walls brick by brick...I suspect she's too smart for that.

 

So you gotta get in for the long haul. If you think you're up to it, 'course.

 

she is awfully smart. she ain't gonna fall for no crap. she'd think i was a con artist.

 

in it for the long haul? i am, but patience i've been on a short supply for awhile. when we have a good day together, like last time we had lunch (she called me "honey." i love that!) gives me a little more energy.

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  • 1 month later...
sounds like this one is salvagable.. just give it time and space and be patient..

 

thats the hardest things with breakups is being patient, because we all want things now now now..

 

still being patient...giving time and space...went through several weeks of no contact...broken by her..invited me to lunch...very casual, nothing to serious...except she dropped this bomb:

 

"i loved you so much that i played dumb sometimes to make you look smarter."

 

holy * * * * girl! i have a 155 iq!!! no, i didn't say that, but i wanted to.

 

also, a couple of days ago, told my daughter:

 

"i could have let daddy move to new mexico by himself (this was just before we got married) and stayed in college, but i wanted to be with him."

 

now we are seeing each other weekly, sometime more frequently. sunday was so cool. just a little dinner and movie, but she was sooo nice and pleasant and (dare i say) loving.

 

i am tempted to ask her how much longer this * * * * has to go on, but that's not cool. what to do now? any advice is welcome

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still being patient...giving time and space...went through several weeks of no contact...broken by her..invited me to lunch...very casual, nothing to serious...except she dropped this bomb:

 

"i loved you so much that i played dumb sometimes to make you look smarter."

 

holy * * * * girl! i have a 155 iq!!! no, i didn't say that, but i wanted to.

 

Do you know anything about the different types of intelligence? A high I.Q. doesn't mean that you're educated in all areas and yours may not always be reflected in your communication skills. She, undoutedly, does know more than you do on some topics, so don't be so dismissive of what she said; it is most likely true. Women often play dumb in order to help a man feel more capable and needed. Perhps your wife felt your need and adjusted accordingly more often than you are aware.

 

On the other hand, one could read your comment as an implied insult to her. Are you saying she's stupid, not as intelligent as you? I'm glad you bit your tongue. She could have easily taken that as an insult to her intelligence, even if you wouldn't have meant it that way.

 

also, a couple of days ago, told my daughter:

 

"i could have let daddy move to new mexico by himself (this was just before we got married) and stayed in college, but i wanted to be with him."

 

now we are seeing each other weekly, sometime more frequently. sunday was so cool. just a little dinner and movie, but she was sooo nice and pleasant and (dare i say) loving.

 

i am tempted to ask her how much longer this * * * * has to go on, but that's not cool. what to do now? any advice is welcome

 

How long this **** has to go on? Are you serious? Is that what you call building trust again? ****? Really? You just go along with this **** because she seems to enjoy it? My guess is that this **** could go on for decades, if she had the patience.

 

Your post is full of what appears to be an air of arrogance and condescension toward your wife.

 

With just this brief look, I think you need to consider what it will take to change your attitude. Your actions are fine, but they won't be enough unless and until you change internally. My advice is to seek counseling for yourself. If you want to rebuild a relationship with this woman, you need to consider the process of building it more than ****.

 

I hope you are able to win her back fully. Good luck!

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what a great mid-stream slap in the face! thank you autumnborn. you are so right! about everything. counseling has got me to here from a horribly arrogant place. i do not ever want to appear condescending towards my wife. she is so intelligent, a natural-born leader, and an incredible spirit.

 

when i say "how long can this * * * * go on" i am saying "we've come this far, can't we just take that last step?"

 

this " * * * * " could go on for decades. she does have that kind of patience. or should i say persistence. call it what you will, but she could hold out forever. she's tough underneath all that beauty.

 

hey autumnborn...thank you.

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I'm glad you took that well, 'cause I was gonna add that she made some good points. Delivered a bit harshly, perhaps, but good points nonetheless.

 

i would not have taken it well several months ago. my ego would have got in the way of good advice delivered in a bitter pill. again, thanks to counseling.

 

i hate to sound desperate, but gosh, this seems like it has gone on forever. we spend sooo much good casual time together. this was the point in our relationship when i initiated intimate contact, and WOW it was great. and not in a "con her into bed" way. we were so passionate. it turned into an incredible closeness. i just kinda feel like we're at that benchmark. but i don't dare force the issue. she has so much healing to do.

 

sorry for spilling...i'm just kinda confused right now.

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... this seems like it has gone on forever. we spend sooo much good casual time together. this was the point in our relationship when i initiated intimate contact, and WOW it was great. and not in a "con her into bed" way. we were so passionate. it turned into an incredible closeness. i just kinda feel like we're at that benchmark.

Ha ha, right about now, people like me would kill for some quality casual time with our exes. (And, hell yeah, I'd "con her into bed" if I could!

 

Psychologist Bonnie Eaker Weil writes that one of the benefits of separation and reconciliation is that it generates passion -- meaning mind-blowing sex like back in the early days. I guess you're supporting her position?

 

... i don't dare force the issue. she has so much healing to do.

Correct! You could be frozen out like some of the rest of us. Take your time (her time), and let this come back together.

 

(You have one of the few threads that actually belongs in this forum ... bring it home nice and easy, like Striker at the controls of Flight 209.)

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Ha ha, right about now, people like me would kill for some quality casual time with our exes. (And, hell yeah, I'd "con her into bed" if I could!

 

Psychologist Bonnie Eaker Weil writes that one of the benefits of separation and reconciliation is that it generates passion -- meaning mind-blowing sex like back in the early days. I guess you're supporting her position?

 

 

Correct! You could be frozen out like some of the rest of us. Take your time (her time), and let this come back together.

 

(You have one of the few threads that actually belongs in this forum ... bring it home nice and easy, like Striker at the controls of Flight 209.)

 

taking my time, patience, i know...it's just sooo hard...she's the perfect spouse...she is a piece of the puzzle. i see life as a puzzle. you'll understand, i hope.

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I'm just dealing with a break up but I bought this book anyway - and it seems like it would be a good book for you to take a look at. "Getting Back Together" by Bettie Youngs and Masa Goetz. Someone on one of my posts mentioned a line from it so I checked it out and it has been helpful in terms of a plan and getting my act together BUT it also focuses on if you two want to work things out the healthiest and most productive way to go. Just a thought. I hope everything works out.

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