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a question for those who got GIGS, or those who got dumped because of GIGS


kitchty

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Sorry it is like two questions in one thread but here goes.

 

A. For those who got GIGS (I am interested in cases where you became attracted to someone else)

- how far did you let yourself drift towards the new person? Did you buy them gifts? Did you cross the line in any way (emotionally? physically?). Crossing the line emotionally, in my opinion, involves making more effort for the new person, agreeing to do something for the new person while refusing to do the same thing for your then gf/bf when they requested it, giving gifts that can be misconstrued (flowers? dresses? etc or even thinking about it)

 

 

- Were you aware that you crossed the line?

- If you were not, do you eventually become aware of it?

- When you started to feel attracted, did you not know that staying in contact with that person will make you feel more and more tempted? If you know, why did you do it?

- Is there a case where you really did not know you had a thing for the third person until it is too late? (like you really thought they were just your friend and boom..one day you woke up and realized you were totally into them and by then it was all too late?

 

Backstory: my ex got GIGS and it went to the point that he went to visit the girl out of town while refusing to go on my third anniversary, thought about buying her a dress...etc. Even when I confronted him, right after break up, then months after he still insisted "Can't I give my friend gifts?" I don't think he pretends to be clueless, but he sounds like he really doesn't get it. He really BELIEVES he did nothing wrong. Doesn't get what's wrong with what he did...and I don't know.....the fact that he just doesn't get it makes me very upset to this day.

 

B. For those who got left behind because of GIGS (Your ex left for someone else...) Especially in the case where they came back. Comments based on stories of people you know are welcome.

 

- Did you write your ex out of your life for life, or intend it?

- IF you take them back, what made you forgive?

- Did they ever come to acknowledge that crossing the line emotionally without trying to do any thing to stop it is wrong? or rather, do you think it is wrong? How loyal does someone have to be...'

- Or did you realize the other way...that everyone should have free will and absolute loyalty is non-existent so you take them back anyways?

 

C. And to both sides, especially those who left behind.

 

Once the crush becomes really strong...like one party has one foot out of the door already why you are still totally in the relationship, is there any option when it comes to salvaging the relationship? Or should it have been given up already by that time to make sure the playing field is equal and to make sure you don't get hurt alone? I just feel that by that time, it may be just a matter of time and helping the person who got GIGS get over us if we (the loyal ones) stay in the relationship till they got both feet out of the door..

 

TIA for your opinion.

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what on earth is GIGS?

 

Grass is Greener Syndrome

 

 

As Far as these go:

 

- Did you write your ex out of your life for life, or intend it?

- IF you take them back, what made you forgive?

- Did they ever come to acknowledge that crossing the line emotionally without trying to do any thing to stop it is wrong? or rather, do you think it is wrong? How loyal does someone have to be...'

- Or did you realize the other way...that everyone should have free will and absolute loyalty is non-existent so you take them back anyways?

 

 

Its been around 8 months and I have been pushing her out of my life for the most part. She has been coming around more lately tho.

 

I havent taken her back and she hasnt asked. If she did what would make me forgive is probably her recognition of what she did to me and how it affected me and her taking it very seriously. Forgiveness doesnt mean I will take her back, it might mean that but not necessarily. I'd say me taking her back would be very unlikely.

 

People should have free will, but ppl should also not be gutless imps and start relationships while they are already in one. Breakup, then go date whoever you want.

 

 

 

>Once the crush becomes really strong...like one party has one foot out of the door already why you are still totally in the relationship, is there any option when it comes to salvaging the relationship?

 

You have no chance to compete at the beginning, none. The only think you might be able to do is bring up history and guilt them out of it temporarily. At that point you will constatly be looking over your shoulder and most likely it will happen again. Your best weapon comes later when they realize the new person sucks worse than you.

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To clarify: just in case

 

Grass is Greener Syndrome , (definition varies but it is somewhere along the line of what I am going to say.)

 

- You are quite happy with your ex...or maybe moderately annoyed/frustrated but still love them

- then someone else comes along

- You become attracted to that someone else

- And feel that the new person is a whole lot better, definitely better

- and your moderate annoyance, frustration with your ex just becomes major frustration. From being happy with them at the level where long term couples are (not over the moon but comfy and happy and loving them), you slowly lost feelings and thought you did not love them any more.

-then you jump the ship.

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I'm going to answer your questions under B., because this did happen to me.

 

Did you write your ex out of your life for life, or intend it? I wrote him out of my life. It was hard, but I felt that it was a waste of time to keep him in it, and it was the right thing for me.

 

Did they ever come to acknowledge that crossing the line emotionally without trying to do any thing to stop it is wrong? or rather, do you think it is wrong? How loyal does someone have to be...'

 

He didn't think it was wrong, but I did. It got to a point where he was lying to me all the time, saying that he was going out with friends when he was really going to a movie with the one girl, stuff like that. He never stopped it because he didn't care anymore, he didn't care how I felt. I think that loyalty involves truth, and when the truth is being withheld, then I think it's wrong.

 

People DO have free will - whether good or bad, the choices you make are all your own - you can choose to be loyal, to cheat, to emotionally involve yourself with other ppl, to lie, to take someone back, or to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy.

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my ex had (has) GIGS...we were together for 4.5 years engaged for one...she feels like she never really experienced life and she began texting this guy (300+ texts in the month of December) which ultimately led to out breakup in January...she never dated anyone else besides me...i treated her like gold, In fact I put her before myself. We havent spoken in over 4 months. SHe even changed her cel number within hours of leaving me...(she broke up our engagement w/ a 3 page note)...I know she was stressing and she began to let little things bother her, my weight, i was constantly on ebay (trying to make extra $ for us), I wasnt going to the gym...I actually got an email form her yesterday, nothing crazy just that she closed our bank accounts and that she heard im doing well, she hopes my family was doing well too. Im not writing back. SInce our breakup I decided to change all the things she hated about me so Im that much better for the next girl...lost over 60 lbs, had a surgery to correct ym sleep apnea so I dont snore anymore, working on a six pack...lol...Ive been dating like crazy, have met some great girls, one prettier than the next...honestly though I still miss my ex and who knows what the future holds but I dont plan on reaching out to her any time soon...every girl Ive dated since her cannot believe the story, the things I did for her, the way I treated her, the things I said to her...I basically made her life a movie...no one can believe its over b/t us...EVERYONE, our family and friends thought we were destined for each other. But she decided she wasnt ready and just walked out. I know she wont find anyone like me, and Im wondering if shes waiting for me to respond to her email, but in the meantime, Im going to keep working on my, enjoying MY life and not worry about her.

 

She really is an amazing girl and I would love to see her again someday but Im not the same person I was a few months ago and I dont think enough time has passed that we can even speak about what happened. I dont have closure, that sucks, but again that goes back to her immaturity and not being able to express how she feels. I have no hard feelings towards her, better she did this now than later, and my friends cant believe the girls Im dating now...one of them said dont you realize that every girl youve been with since this happened is "hotter" than your ex...and I guess if you put them side by side hes right, but she was/is more than that to me...and I hope one day she realizes what we had, and can see beyone things like my weight, and that I wasnt a hunk like "Edward in Twilight." But until then Im just going to keep the party going.

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I'm confused about GIGS.

 

I believed I suffered from GIGS, but now I don't think it applies anymore because I didn't left my ex for someone else?

 

I honestly think GIGS is not really when the dumper ALREADY has the sights on someone else, but when the dumper believes the grass is greener, they are going to meet someone better ONCE they are single.

 

I left my ex because I was bored and wanted to see what was out there, but I didn't have a relationship with anyone else.

 

I believe what you mentioned is almost cheating, and not GIGS. I might be wrong.

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Ive spoken to my ex's friends and I know for a fact she didnt leave me for anyone else,,,in fact the guy she was texting has a gf...she was just wondering what else is out there and wanted to see if she could do better than me...the other day her friend told me shes been upset but shes not sure if its because she misses me or misses having someone...who knows what the reason is, but Im not running back

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I have an interesting situation...

 

I think I suffered from GIGS temporarily, there was no other woman in the picture, but things were going well with my ex and I started to act differently and think of all these things like "What if the grass is really greener?" We were engaged and I told her I had cold feet and thought maybe we should postpone the wedding.

 

I didn't break up with her, I still loved her and wanted to be with her, my feelings were temporary, I had worked through my feelings and realized she was all I wanted, but by the time the feelings of doubt faded, it was too late. She was done. I thought things were on the right track when we went to counseling, but then she bailed, she couldn't get over how I was scared of marriage.

 

Anyone else have something like this happen? You got GIGS but you didn't leave your significant other because you realized it would be a mistake and that those feelings were just temporary? I feel like I am the only one, and this relationship is over all because of my the stupid GIGS!

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I had G.I.G.S. I never bought a gift for the other person. However, I did fly to visit her and break things off in person (my ex and her lived in different states from me). I did not cross the line physically. I never touched the person, other than to hug them and say goodbye. Emotionally, I don't know where I draw the line. I had feelings for the other person. We would talk a lot (mostly before I really knew how interested she was in me). I woudl say that I crossed the line from the standpoint of telling the girl that I thought I maybe had feelings. I also told her that I had to try to make things work with the person that is now my ex. I was partially aware I was crossing the line. In my case, I had a lot going on in my life and didn't take the time to think things thoroughly through. I should not have told the person I had feelings. Although at the time, I just didn't think much of it (really regret that, especially because it makes me feel like a bad person). I was trying to be honest with her, myself, and my relationship.

 

-"When you started to feel attracted, did you not know that staying in contact with that person will make you feel more and more tempted? If you know, why did you do it?" In my case, I did not think I would become more tempted. I guess I considered keeping contact because I was truly developing feelings for the girl, or so I thought. Luckily, when I told the other girl I only wanted to be friends at the most, she chose to go NC with me.

 

-"Is there a case where you really did not know you had a thing for the third person until it is too late? (like you really thought they were just your friend and boom..one day you woke up and realized you were totally into them and by then it was all too late?" I did start off thinking we would only be friends (she was interested from the beginning). Then, yes, one day I suddenly realized I had an interest. It was not too late. Everyone always has a decision. I loved my, now, ex and knew that 5 years down the road, I would want my, now, ex by my side over anyone else. That decision was made while we were still together.

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B. For those who got left behind because of GIGS (Your ex left for someone else...) Especially in the case where they came back. Comments based on stories of people you know are welcome.

 

- Did you write your ex out of your life for life, or intend it?

- IF you take them back, what made you forgive?

So, I also fall into this category because my ex broke things off 8 months after my G.I.G.S., mostly because I started the relationship into a downward spiral because I began to wonder if my ex cared for me as much as the girl I left behind did. I have not written my ex out of my life. Although, after meeting with her 4 months after the breakup, she seemed to be a different person, in a bad way. I would forgive her, if we got back together. Although, she wasn't willing to put the relationship first like I was. Of course, by that point, I caused a lot of destruction, so I try to hold down any resentment that I begin to feel. I know I was a big part of her G.I.G.S. and the fact that she followed through with it, unlike me.

 

 

C. And to both sides, especially those who left behind.

 

Once the crush becomes really strong...like one party has one foot out of the door already why you are still totally in the relationship, is there any option when it comes to salvaging the relationship? Or should it have been given up already by that time to make sure the playing field is equal and to make sure you don't get hurt alone? I just feel that by that time, it may be just a matter of time and helping the person who got GIGS get over us if we (the loyal ones) stay in the relationship till they got both feet out of the door..

I can address this question, b/c I've seen both sides of the coin. Yes, a relationship can be salvaged. However, I recommend a break in the relationship. I tried to salvage things when I didn't follow through with G.I.G.S., but still had it. I caused a path of destruction. I should have broken things off for the time, until my head was screwed on straight again. Unfortunately, circumstances at the time made a break really hard (I was moving in w/ my ex for the summer --- long story). It sounds like you're wondering if you should let your ex go follow his G.I.G.S.? I don't think they need to. However, either way, you should probably consider a break. Your ex will likely feel resentment toward you for no reason. It will cause your relationship to suffer regardless. I suggest communicating with the best of your abilities. You may be able to salvage things w/o a break if you two communicate really well. That is one thing I failed to do.

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I don't know if it was greener in my case or not. Sometimes, I wish I would have checked, since my ex broke up w/ me within less than a year anyhow. Unfortunately, I broke the heart of the girl that was involved. Either way, I feel that I did the right thing by working on my relationship, rather than following the GIGS.

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Yes, but I wasn't engaged and another girl is the source that really brough out the GIGS, even though I felt it before that. I didn't leave my gf, now ex, because I knew the feelings were temporary. So no, TMW, you are definitely not the only one. It was too late after I tried to get things on the right track as well. I spent a few months trying to repair the damage I had done. My GIGS was only 1 month, but I felt it even afterward, and didn't try repairing things until 2-3 months later.

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About 8 months ago my ex gf dumped me after 2.5 years. It really messed up my life for the longest time. I have a girlfriend right now and I'm still not over it.

 

The last few months before we split our relationship wasn't going smoothly. It was by no means spiraling out of control but just "bumps". Anyways, one day out of the blue I call her and she says "do you love me?"

 

...after the breakup she completely cut off all contact with me. She even purposely avoided me in most situations. A perfect example is when I tried to get my stuff back she was avoiding me. She later went on to date several men(most of them with similer or exactly the same name as mine) in the last 8months with the longest one being 2-3 months.

 

She had no sympathy whatsoever and was a complete btch. I still can't believe she had the nerve to be so reckless. She wasn't even considerate. It was as if one day she was all over me, everything going smoothly, and the next bam!...over.

 

The wierdest part was in the few weeks before the breakup she even offered me a job at her work so "we could work together" and got extremely pissed off when I wouldn't kiss her(i was pissed off) the last week. Her actions don't add up.

 

Sooo confusing. The girl's insane and no matter how hard I think about the past I still don't understand her actions. I truly think she's bipolar.

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From the little informatin you've posted here, it appears that she felt unloved.

 

She had to ask you, "Do you love me?". How often did you voluntarily tell her this?

 

She wanted to work with you (rightly or wrongly) perhaps in an attempt to bring you both closer together.

 

She tried to kiss you, but you brushed her off (I understand you were pissed, but nevertheless, it is apparent she was offended).

 

Obviously I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship but I don't think there's enough evidence here to suggest she's bi-polar. Just that she was feeling neglected.

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From the little informatin you've posted here, it appears that she felt unloved.

 

She had to ask you, "Do you love me?". How often did you voluntarily tell her this?

 

She wanted to work with you (rightly or wrongly) perhaps in an attempt to bring you both closer together.

 

She tried to kiss you, but you brushed her off (I understand you were pissed, but nevertheless, it is apparent she was offended).

 

Obviously I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship but I don't think there's enough evidence here to suggest she's bi-polar. Just that she was feeling neglected.

 

Ha! Yeah, I wish it were that simple too. The ironic thing is that couldn't be farther from the truth. The odds of me showing her too much attention are WAY greater than showing her too little.

 

I used to buy her things all the time, such as shelling out $100 on her birthday one month before we split on designer clothes.

 

Not to mention we hung out every single day.

 

Lastly, and certainly the most proof, is that when she did dump me I was a wreck and she knows this. It was one of the few times in my life I literally cried. I confessed my undying love, the whole deal blah blah, and that "i just want her to be happy".

 

Then she starts crying and says "I'll call you back later tonight with my decision"...in the meantime I went out, bought new clothes, calmed down, and called her back when I got home...

 

"Yeah, I would only be taking you back out of pity and not because I wanted to...". Those were exact words.

 

To sum it up, I have almost ZERO regrets for neglecting her except in the last week or two of our relationship. She was becoming more and more btchy and distant, sex was almost nonexistant...so I put my foot down and started being a * * * * . In reality I was just doing what she did to me. I wasn't going to be her little slave that does everything for her. fck her. if that's neglect then i have no regrets.

 

if you read my previous posts you'll see that this girl is a psychopath.

 

weirdly, i'm still attracted to her.

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Okay. I just want to say again that I am not attacking Longdist personally or anything. I just don't get the way you are thinking AT ALL. And my ex, as I said, seem to think the same way you do. So I just don't get it and it makes me mad.

 

Because to me, you both are just totally clueless or lying or something.

(arrgh it comes out so strong...I wish I could talk to you face to face, longdist, because I am sure I would manage to communicate my feelings to you with more tact and stuff...but I am just totally frustrated right now.)

 

here is the point.

1. You both believed you gave the primary relationship a chance

2. And for you, giving it a chance means staying in the primary relationship officially. You seem to think that is sufficient...

3. But to me, that is no where near "enough"

4. Because there is no point staying in the primary relationship officially while letting yourself wander into the other relationship emotionally.

5. Because doing so is giving BOTH relationship a chance

6. which is essentially killing the primary relationship because doing so creates more conflict, insecurity and gives you a chance to become more infatuated with the new person.

7. To me, giving the primary relationship a chance means all or nothing. No more contact with the new person. No more tempting yourself. No more wandering there emotionally. Both you and my ex did not do this.

8 So what chances are you and my ex talking about, really? What kind of attempt is that, really. again, as you wrote "I guess I considered keeping contact because I was truly developing feelings for the girl" That serves YOU, not your primary relationship. You were not doing what was best for your primary relationship. Really..So how could you say you really wanted to work things out within the primary relationship and really wanted to say goodbye to the new person. You DID NOT really want to say goodbye. It was obvious you did not want to totally cut it. and as I said..keeping contacts is nothing short of fanning the flame. Why don't you get it? Why did not my ex get it?

 

I guess in your case it is not as bad since you stayed with your ex till she broke things off later...but who knows what would have happened if the girl did not go NC on you?

 

flame me if you wish:splat:

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Okay. I just want to say again that I am not attacking Longdist personally or anything. I just don't get the way you are thinking AT ALL. And my ex, as I said, seem to think the same way you do. So I just don't get it and it makes me mad.

 

Because to me, you both are just totally clueless or lying or something.

(arrgh it comes out so strong...I wish I could talk to you face to face, longdist, because I am sure I would manage to communicate my feelings to you with more tact and stuff...but I am just totally frustrated right now.)

 

Don't worry. I don't take offense. I replied because I figured I might be able to provide some perspective. I highly regret not cutting ties as soon as I had feelings. Although, it basically crept up on me and was upon me before I realized it. I'll try to tell you what I was thinking, even though I think it will make me look like a bad guy, which I hate and regret. However, if it helps someone else in any way, I'm happy to share the story. So at the time, I felt like my relationship was dying. I didn't feel any love from my ex. I felt like she was just going through the motions. Then the other girl came around and started paying a lot of attention to me. It was nice to have someone interested in what I had to say. We once talked for an entire day (we were both students). Yes, looking back that was horribly wrong since I had a girlfriend, but I thought we were just talking as friends at the time. It was hard to completely cut ties because she had become a good friend and it is hard to say goodbye to any friend. I hate to say it, but I also wanted to keep her around because I thought my relationship was getting into trouble. So instead of doing the things I should have like cutting ties, and trying to rekindle things with my ex (gf at the time).

 

here is the point.

1. You both believed you gave the primary relationship a chance

2. And for you, giving it a chance means staying in the primary relationship officially. You seem to think that is sufficient...

3. But to me, that is no where near "enough"

4. Because there is no point staying in the primary relationship officially while letting yourself wander into the other relationship emotionally.

5. Because doing so is giving BOTH relationship a chance

6. which is essentially killing the primary relationship because doing so creates more conflict, insecurity and gives you a chance to become more infatuated with the new person.

7. To me, giving the primary relationship a chance means all or nothing. No more contact with the new person. No more tempting yourself. No more wandering there emotionally. Both you and my ex did not do this.

8 So what chances are you and my ex talking about, really? What kind of attempt is that, really. again, as you wrote "I guess I considered keeping contact because I was truly developing feelings for the girl" That serves YOU, not your primary relationship. You were not doing what was best for your primary relationship. Really..So how could you say you really wanted to work things out within the primary relationship and really wanted to say goodbye to the new person. You DID NOT really want to say goodbye. It was obvious you did not want to totally cut it. and as I said..keeping contacts is nothing short of fanning the flame. Why don't you get it? Why did not my ex get it?

 

I guess in your case it is not as bad since you stayed with your ex till she broke things off later...but who knows what would have happened if the girl did not go NC on you?

 

flame me if you wish

 

1-7: I completely agree. It's hard to step outside your own world and look at things from a different perspective. 8: You can't help how you feel, you can only control actions. Yes, I should have cut contact, but didn't realize the importance of cutting contact at the time. Plus, I felt like things were falling apart in my real relationship. I debated on a breakup and giving the other relationship a shot. This was all before I really sat down and thought about things. When I thought about things, like I said before, I realized that I would always want my ex by my side. Unfortunately, the damage wasn't only done to the relationship by this point, but also to my mind. During the following months I kept wondering why my ex wouldn't sacrifice for me. I sacrificed so much for her and only strayed that one time, and only did so emotionally (which I don't have much control over). So then I damaged the relationship more by distancing myself from my ex.

 

The point is that a relationship is in trouble after someone gets the G.I.G.S. whether they try to keep it going or not. I think the only way to fix any of it is for the person with the G.I.G.S. to start communicating. I wish I would have. Each situation is different, so I don't know why your ex turned to someone else. However, when I considered a different relationship, it didn't necessarily have to be with this other girl. I just felt like I haven't really experienced a relationship with anyone other than my ex and wanted to be sure I was in love with my ex, instead of just being comfortable with my ex. Later I realized that love isn't just a feeling, but also a decision. The more you show it to someone else, the more they are willing to show it back. People feed off of each other. Chances are that your relationship had other issues going on other than the G.I.G.S.

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--------------------------------

May I PM you later? I don't want this to go on and on off topic, just to be respectful to the forum. I just feel like contacting him and clearing this up...but I don't want to fight with him any more...and it will be so hard to make up if I fight on the phone when I am a whole continent away from him plus we are no longer together. But he just does not make any sense.

 

This is the guy who says he always wants to do the right thing, will not do things that can be misconstrued. He told me he did not tell me to clean up my acts (stop messing up the house, clean up more often, etc)during our last months together because A. he was not sure if he was just lazy and if it might just end up as him taking advantage of me, like making me do the housework and stuff. He said he was not sure of his motive so he did not want to do things in such a way that could end up as him taking advantage of me. B. He slowly fell out of love. When we talked about it after the break up, he said that he was barely aware what was going on. He just realized that he was unhappy most of the time but did not know that being unhappy means slowly falling out of love. C. And he said that even if he knew he was falling out of love, him telling me that can be misconstrued as a threat, a way to force me to do more things for him so he does not want to do anything if it can be misconstrued in any way, both on my side and on his side.

 

okay....but again he is not making any sense. Why?

because....

visiting that girl in the summer while not coming to visit me for our 3rd anniversary....This is so obvious that it almost leaves no room for anything to be misconstrued. I mean, this is the most misconstrue-able kind of thing ever if there is anything to be misconstrued at all.

because

thinking about buying her a dress but not buying because he does not have enough money, and his mom put a foot on it. Okay...this can be "misconstrued" big time too..

 

 

It is like he is picking on the small thing..misconstrued that misconstrued this while for the big things that can hugely be miscontrued he has no regret.

 

Sigh...I wonder who, exactly, did I love and who , exactly, am I wanting to get back together with. Maybe he is just a loser after all.

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