How do I reasure husband?

[Chanter]

For a couple years now my husband has felt that my relationship with my best friend was unhealthy. I denied it at first, but after several "incidence" with her I came to realize he was right and have since ended the friendship.

 

The problem is my child and her child are best friends. My child keeps asking when he can see his friend. I've made excuses for over a month now, and tried to divert him by scheduling play-dates with other friends, but he misses his best bud. They've grown up together.

 

So, I shot her an e-mail, asking how she felt about a play-date for the kids. I wasn't sure how she would respond, but she surprised me by being quite civil and agreeing to set something up. I got to say it was a load off my mind. I was so worried that the animosity between my x-b/f and I would make it impossible for our kids to keep their friendship.

 

Problem is now, my husband is freaking out. He is worried that I'm going to "pick up where we left off" and strike up a friendship with her again. Despite my reassurance that I have NO intentions of going back to that kind of destructive relationship, he is acting moody, cold, and cranky.

 

How can I get it accross to him that it is just a play-date for our child? Should I have expected this kind of reaction from him?

[DN]

Read over your last three threads since April 26th and then see if you can understand why your husband is reacting like this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[alli]

Tell your husband that your son missed his best friend, and just because you guys ended your friendship does not mean they have to end theirs. There's not really much more you can say to make him believe you.

 

Assumingly one of you drops off your kid at the other's house & picks him up later? It's not like the two of you are spending time together. Your husband will relax over time as he sees that you two are able to be civil to each other & let your kids be friends without becoming friends again yourselves.

 

What exactly did she do?

[Chanter]

It's complicated. You could check out my other posts if you'd like. Let’s just say if you take two co-dependent personalities, who are in the middle of two different bad marriages and put them together, things get ugly.

 

To complicate things. She e-mailed me and said she didn't want her son around my husband, but I was welcome to bring my kid over to her house. I don't really want to do that unless I can just drop him off.

 

My husband is threatened by her, and she hates him because she feels he forced me to end the friendship. It is not nearly as cut and dry as that I know. Otherwise this could be resolved.

[DN]

This is a situation where you are putting your marriage under great strain and I think that is most unwise. You already made the choice once and now it looks very much as if you are using your son as an excuse to renege on that. I can see exactly why your husband is upset and I surprised you made another choice to subject your marriage to even more problems because of this woman.

 

You must know that your son can make other friends and that you can help him do that - even children sometimes have to make sacrifices for the sake of family harmony. There is no way that you can arrange for them to play together without interacting again with this toxic friend - and you must be aware that she will try to put your relationship with her back on the same footing that caused all these problems in the first place.

 

It may be hard that he loses his friend but it would be much harder and more devastating if his parents were to break up.

[Chanter]

How do you know what she will or won't do?

Can you say that with certainty, or are you just betting the odds?

Why souldn't I be able to take her at her word, that our children can still be friends even if we are no longer friends? She has made no indication that she wants to resume our friendship. Neither have I.

[Greedy Toad]

How do you know what she will or won't do?

Can you say that with certainty, or are you just betting the odds?

Why souldn't I be able to take her at her word, that our children can still be friends even if we are no longer friends? She has made no indication that she wants to resume our friendship. Neither have I.

 

 

You seem to be missing the whole point that DN is making. All you have focussed on is your "friendship" or lack of with her, and the sense that your kids can be friends still.

 

It is your husband that you need to be thinking about.

[DN]

How do you know what she will or won't do?

 

Past behaviour is one of the best indicators of future behaviour.

 

are you just betting the odds?

It's you who would be taking the gamble, not me. Is that gamble worth the risk of losing?

[Chanter]

Why? Was he thinking of me for the first 12 years when we did everything his way? We live where HE wanted to live, we bought what HE wanted to buy, and we traveled where HE wanted to travel. I had no income, no access to a checking acount without his approval, no social life unless he ok'd it first. I gave up my friends, my career, and my identity for him.

 

I'm not thinking of my relationship with this woman. There is no relationship with this woman. Anymore than there is a "relationship" with the check out man at Wal-Mart because I see him a few times a week.

 

I understand that kids make friends, and my son has many friends. And I understand that sacrifices need to be made in a relationship. But it seems like I am the only one making them in this marriage. I put up with his controlling, manipulating, demanding behavior forever and now I gave up my friendship because he wanted me to? If I had given up unhealthy things before, he would have been history a long time ago! What has he given up for me? What sacrifices has he made? He's gotten everything he's ever wanted. So, I should tell my son to sacrifice his friendship too? I just can't help but feel like I've been/ am being manipulated. And yes, I realize I have unresolved anger. I just want to be in control of my own life for once. He's taken that from me, and I've let him. Guess I'm more angry with myself.

>

[Chanter]

Past behaviour is one of the best indicators of future behaviour.

 

If this is true, then should I expect my husband to revert to past behavior?

[Greedy Toad]

I think you are correct Chanter.

 

Try not to let this turn into a resentmet issue which it seems like it has.

 

It becomes very hard to make decisions when they are being led by emotional thinking.

 

You may see this as a challenge/victory that you need to feel as though you are doing more for yourself and being "allowed" to as opposed to the actual situation.

 

I dare say this could be over anything at all, and it just happens that you have this particular scenario to use for "enforcing" what you believe are your rights as an individual.

 

I don't envy your position as I can understand that it must be very hard for you having all this resentment which I am not criticising you for.

 

Maybe you need to see someone, on your own, just for you, to help you work through these issues. If afterall he has changed and done an about face on his attitude for the positive, then you will somehow need to accept that the last 12 years have happened and that YOU as well as HIM are willing t try to have a fresh start.

 

It is certainly not an easy thing to do, and if left unresolved will blow out at every opportunity.

[Chanter]

Toad,

Got an appointment tonight!! The first of a few I'm sure. There is a life time of stuff to work through. But I'm optimistic that whatever happens, it will work out for the best in the end. I just want all this to be finished. And short of moving to another state... I don't know how to untangle all of this. This town is full of memories, both good and bad. We are surrounded by his family, his friends. He answered the phone the other day while he was out to lunch with his buddies and it broke my heart. He sounded so happy, they were laughing and having a great time and I'm thinking, "I don't have that anymore because of you."

[Greedy Toad]

Toad,

Got an appointment tonight!! The first of a few I'm sure. There is a life time of stuff to work through. But I'm optimistic that whatever happens, it will work out for the best in the end. I just want all this to be finished. And short of moving to another state... I don't know how to untangle all of this. This town is full of memories, both good and bad. We are surrounded by his family, his friends. He answered the phone the other day while he was out to lunch with his buddies and it broke my heart. He sounded so happy, they were laughing and having a great time and I'm thinking, "I don't have that anymore because of you."

 

I really wish you luck in all of this Chanter. You are making a positive step by having the appointment tonight. I suppose the only advice I can give in relation to the appointment is to be completely open and honest with the person youa re seeing.

 

Then after a while, once you have decided whether the person is a right fit for your needs and that you respect what they say, take a few chances with their advice, even if you don't completely agree with it.

 

When I went to my own counsellor (Psychiatrist) it took me a little while to accept that I needed to try some of what they were recommending against my better judgement. The key being that I realised my judgement wasn't actually very good because of all the skewed perspective I had.

 

It was hard, and it was even harder to accept that the past is exactly that and cannot be used as a weapon or reason against another. For my own sanity I had to learn to let it go.

 

It did not mean that I didn't learn from the past, but instead of dwelling on everything that it had done to damage me, i had to learn how to ensure it didn't repeat and make the changes for positive.

 

 

I am not a psychiatrist, but wow, what a powerful statement you made is below. I would definetly relay that thought to your person. It will open up so much in the way of questioning.

 

"I don't have that anymore because of you."

 

Not sure of you have been to a counsellor before, but if you haven't, be prepared to bawl your eyes out at some stage as they ave a knack of bringing the simmering mess of emotions to the surface.

 

Good luck with it all, and remember if it is to work between the two of you, then it will require change on both sides.

[Chanter]

So a lot has happened in the last 24 hours.

My appointment went well in the sense that it clarified a lot of things for me. I discussed a lot of issues with my therapist: about my codependent nature, about my childhood, my friendships and my marriage. I felt vindicated in a lot of ways because she agreed that things I saw as "wrong" in my relationships are wrong. Come to find out that an inability to trust one's own intuition and feelings is a sign of codependency. Go figure.

It went poorly in that she gave me a few questionnaires about depression and anxiety and I scored off the charts on both. She suggested medication, but I'm VERY hesitant to do that. If my stress is a result of something fundamentally wrong with my marriage, life, relationships... and then I medicate to manage the stress, will I feel the need to address the issues and make changes or just be numb??

Over the past few months I have come to suspect that my husband's controlling nature has not gone away, it has only changed form. He has gone from being mean, degrading, and manipulative, to smothering, clingy, and dependent. The control now comes out of guilt instead of my dependence on him for everything. Sort of a "how can you leave me when I've changed so much?" kind of thing. My therapist even when so far as to suggest my husband was now "obsessed" with me. It’s a big mess of emotions and resentment and insecurities.

Things will take time to sort out. Problem is, I feel like I’ve already made up my mind to end the marriage, and not sharing that with him seems like a lie. (even though I’m sure he wouldn’t believe me if I told him) I’m not in a position to move out right now, and he would make things very difficult despite saying he could be civil if it came to that. He has already shown that he can be incredible cruel to both me and our son.

It would be easier to sacrifice myself and stay married than stand up for what I believe and set him free to find someone that will love him the way he needs to be loved. As for me… I just want to find peace.

[Chanter]

Feel I should add, I've been to this therapist several times before. But, this was the first time without my husband. And I think I was able to give her a more complete picture of the way things have been. My husband had met with her once on his own.