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done with being nice


rocio
How To LiVe Your Truth
How To LiVe Your Truth

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I tried it and it doesn't work for me. I'm tired of being perfect. When I was younger I did what felt right to me and was indifferent to the labels or judgements that accompanied it. In more recent years, I've berm trying to fit into some kind of ideal of what I thought a woman, a mother, a wife was supposed to be.

 

The whole catch more bees with honey argument. What? Your husband won't help ouy around the house? Better not nag. You don't want to be that woman. Praise him. Build up his ego. Be grateful for his contributions. Na, forget that. I did this crap for two years. I've earned a year off. I'm taking it. What? Your partner is hooked on porn? Get over it. Its a mans right. Just go on a diet. Compete with those bimbos, girl! Compete! Buy yourself some lingerie. Make him feel like a god. What? It did no good? Oh well, its a mans right anyway.

 

No I'm done with this. I don't want to be perfect anymore. Call me lazy or a feminist or a nag or a prude. Call me anything you want. I'm done caring.

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I think two years of being perfect has earned me the right to a late-20's crisis.

 

Time to stop being "cool" and start letting my own insecurities and imperfections show. Why is it that we should cater to our husband's every insecurity, but god forbid we would ever let our own insecurities show? That's apparently just a huge turn-off.

 

No more double standards.

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Beware of going from one extreme to the other - neither will bring you happiness.

 

Yeah, I agree. When people walk all over you because you are nice, doesn't mean you have to resort to being not nice...it just means it is time to set boundaries with these particular people who take advantage. In other words, do what is necessary in order so that you feel comfortable with yourself, but don't go above and beyond the call of duty.

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I think two years of being perfect has earned me the right to a late-20's crisis.

 

Time to stop being "cool" and start letting my own insecurities and imperfections show. Why is it that we should cater to our husband's every insecurity, but god forbid we would ever let our own insecurities show? That's apparently just a huge turn-off.

 

No more double standards.

 

Everyone needs to work on their insecurities...but, with a partner you should be able to show your insecurities and vulnerabilities without fear of mockery, pushing your buttons, running away etc. Both sides need to feel comfortable enough to be themselves, but it is also important that both sides work on their own insecurities and encourage each other.

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Everyone needs to work on their insecurities...but, with a partner you should be able to show your insecurities and vulnerabilities without fear of mockery, pushing your buttons, running away etc. Both sides need to feel comfortable enough to be themselves, but it is also important that both sides work on their own insecurities and encourage each other.

 

CAD this is a really great post. I like it.

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I have never met a person who is both bitter and happy at the same time.

 

Exactly. And as long as I'm acheiving this ideal of perfection, I will be bitter. If I'm going to be perfect, I'd better get some kind of Award for Perfection in the mail. I've been waiting for some time and it hasn't come yet. I'll accept mediocrity in myself and then I won't be bitter when I don't receive accolades.

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Exactly. And as long as I'm acheiving this ideal of perfection, I will be bitter. If I'm going to be perfect, I'd better get some kind of Award for Perfection in the mail. I've been waiting for some time and it hasn't come yet. I'll accept mediocrity in myself and then I won't be bitter when I don't receive accolades.

 

Unfortunately, life does not come with awards. Trying to be perfect is a big trap anyways. You can not be perfect, it does not exist. Instead try to be a better you that makes YOU happy. Be kind and be respectful,and helpful and all those things you are, but to not look for that affirmation from someone else. That will always disappoint. Be happy with yourself and if others want to be happy with you too, then all the better. If they don't that is then up to them.

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I think if you are trying to "better" yourself for people other than yourself, you'll start them to resent them.

 

My idea of "perfection" is being happy, healthy and having a big prada or LV bag.

Heck the nice bag is an award in itself

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I understand your frustration but imho, focusing on pleasing yourself first and foremost does not preclude being nice.

 

I guess you're done being a people-pleaser?

Yeah, I gave up on that long time ago too.

I think I have to be happy and content in order to be "nice" and giving to others.

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I understand your frustration but imho, focusing on pleasing yourself first and foremost does not preclude being nice.

 

I guess you're done being a people-pleaser?

Yeah, I gave up on that long time ago too.

I think I have to be happy and content in order to be "nice" and giving to others.

 

Yeah, I took the "nice" to mean "people-pleaser". Else... I better duck and hide!!!

 

I think I may run into that problem in the future at work when I go up the ladder. I have to learn how to say "no" to tasks that won't get me ahead in the game.

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I think if you are trying to "better" yourself for people other than yourself, you'll start them to resent them.

 

My idea of "perfection" is being happy, healthy and having a big prada or LV bag.

Heck the nice bag is an award in itself

 

That's one thing I like about you. You're different from most of the moms I know, who seem to be competitive and very defensive of the choices they make. I have another friend like you and I feel more comfortable around you guys than around some others. You are okay with the choices you make and aren't overly concerned with whether others are or not.

 

I don't think I'm much of a people pleaser either, maybe more of a perfectionist or over achiever. Or maybe I do try to please him too much. I don't know if its hom I'm trying to please or myself. Probably him because he seems to think that I'm perfect and our marriage is perfect, meanwhile I'm failing in pleasing myself.

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Yeah, sometimes I wonder if I'll end up with my foot in my mouth though =)

 

I think being an over-achiever in some domains it can be a good thing. I am personally somewhat competitive with my grades, but I don't like to compare those to other people's grade. If I feel I put in the effort I needed and got my target, then I am happy.

 

The husband could either be in denial (aware of the situation but won't admit it to himself) or he can be perfectly content with the way things are. You may be holding your marriage up to higher standards than he is.

 

What sometimes helps me, is stepping back and setting myself some targets. Things I would do regardless of if I had my baby/bf or not. Sometimes it seems like what I am "doing" doesn't match what I want to be doing.

I have the bad habit of "forgoing" those things because it makes my life easier in a family setting. In a way, I think it can be very easy to lose yourself when you do try to put your family first. Not saying it's not important, but you definetly need to make some "you" time in your life.

I want to subscribe to a few interest classes, go on a trip with a few girls etc... Obviously the time is not always right but I give myself an idea of when the time should be, else I'll keep pushing it back.

 

I honestly am not the perfect mom and won't even try to be. I'd rather my child explore on his own while I keep my mental sanity =) It seems I'm amonst the very few who have "independent" children.

 

I know quite a few women who give it their all, devote all their time to their children but are going absolutely nuts inside. My cousin couldn't even attend a full wedding because her children would be at home whining for her to come back instead of having a good time with their babysitter. I think sometimes the perfection can backfire. (She's very particular and perfectionist)

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forget all that... BE YOURSELF...your own person... I wish I could find a woman that would always stick to being herself and didn't do things because she's "suppose" to do them. I like individuality. I stick to my morals all of the time, whether it "fits in" or not.

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I don't think there's anything wrong with being nice. But accepting things when they really bug you and make you feel sad will only build resentment. Which is why you shouldn't let it get to that.

It's best to talk it out then and there and come to a compromise (if possible) instead of just letting things slide, which really are hurting you.

 

He's important and so are his needs. So are yours.

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I told him about my insecurities and he said he just thought more of me for being honest. I said that I wanted to work on them but that I refused to apologise for them.

 

I also haven't cooked on cleaned in a couple days and, magically, the place is still clean, we've been fed, and he hasn't said a word.

 

Started to wonder why I didn't figure this out sooner.

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