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4 year relationship - he doesn't want to have sex


helterskelter
Your Partner Needs to Step Up (Don&...
Your Partner Needs to Step Up (Don't Accept His SH*T!)

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We have been together for over 4 years and we're engaged. Our relationship is very good, aside from this worsening sexual problem.

 

We used to have great sex, sometimes doing it several times a day. Now, he seems to have either lost his sex drive, or his attraction to me.

 

This is one example of what we are going through:

The other day I finally got him into bed and we cuddled for a while. We had the usual foreplay and I gave him some oral. After a little bit, he pulled me off of him and he got soft! I asked him what had happened, and he said that he didn't know.

 

I've tried talking to him about it, but he insists that there is nothing wrong and that it isn't my fault. I have also tried approaching it in a physical way. Suggesting new things in bed, being kinky, dressing in things I know he likes, and flirtation don't seem to work at all. I am trying to be careful not to bombard him with advances, but I am getting so frustrated!

 

Is he just bored with me, or is there a deeper problem?

If it is deeper, what should I do/how do I find out what is wrong?

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Sounds like you need to have a serious discussion with him about this. Do *not* get married until this issue is resolved.

 

If he doesn't want to talk about it, let him know this is a dealbreaker issue for you (and it should be, unless you would be happy to have a sexless marriage).

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Sounds like you need to have a serious discussion with him about this. Do *not* get married until this issue is resolved.

 

If he doesn't want to talk about it, let him know this is a dealbreaker issue for you (and it should be, unless you would be happy to have a sexless marriage).

I have had a serious sit down with him. He insists that he is still in love with me. He tells me that I am beautiful, etc. but that just isn't enough!

Luckily, I guess, we don't have a date set yet.

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Sounds like you need to have a serious discussion with him about this. Do *not* get married until this issue is resolved.

 

If he doesn't want to talk about it, let him know this is a dealbreaker issue for you (and it should be, unless you would be happy to have a sexless marriage).

 

Touche to his words. Unless you want to not have sex in your marriage (which I sense you do, since you've conveyed your frustration of your recent absense of sex in your relationship), I would have a discussion with him and tell him you are trying to have a sexual relationship with him and are confused by his failure to give you reason to why he has not been having sex with you, and and the fact that he 'DOESN'T KNOW' what the problem is (which I find difficulty believing). I only find it difficult because his actions reflect his resistance to sex, he mentally executes performance of his resistance, but then fails to explain his actions. In other words if his mind agrees with him resisting you, then he can explain it because there would be a reason for that agreement.

 

Now apart from all that psychology and in simple english, I would BET, that he just doesn't know how to say to you what he feels, because obviously you being significant to him, puts some pressure on him. also he may just need time, but this time could just be a the moment for him to generate a reason (not calling him a liar)--or he may, like you said, just be unsure or confused which is what I believe the least

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He's a weirdo!, sorry, but at 22..no way its that normal!

 

He is not a weirdo. His feelings have explanation, and may be unique, but he is not a 'weirdo', and that can be taken the wrong way.

 

I'm 22 and a male, and I honestly feel, although this is very subjective, that he doesn't know how to put it in a nice way, and I'm sorry for saying so but I feel that this is a possible thing to look at.

 

Having said all that, this is an opportunity to get to know him more. The thing about relationship (long term ones especially) at this age, is that people do change, especially men. I am going through a huge change myself, and alot of it has to do with self-realization, and commitment.

 

I also think he'll come back and want to really teach you a lesson (have much intense and powerful sex with you involving chocolate and strawberries). Sometimes, people 'are just not feeling it', how long has this persisted?

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He doesn't want to have sex. It was just one time that he lost his erection after the blow job. I took that as a sign that he just completely lost interest.

That can be explained by him just mentally checking out, so the only thing keeping the erection was the stimulation from the blowjob; as soon as you stopped, he went limp.

 

From what you've described, there is no physical performance issue. He just doesn't want to. And he owes you an explanation.

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You are completely right. There has to be a real reason (a non physical one). He has always had emotional issues, but it has never interrupted our sex life. Perhaps he can't pinpoint what the problem is himself. I'm thinking of getting counseling.

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You are completely right. There has to be a real reason (a non physical one). He has always had emotional issues, but it has never interrupted our sex life. Perhaps he can't pinpoint what the problem is himself. I'm thinking of getting counseling.

 

Counselling would give a professional look at the issue and I'm sure it's a classic issue he has. So the physical aspect seems to be what gets him pointing in the sky, but the fact that it's you doing it to him may not be what is getting him up?

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I'm gonna agree with Enzarto - if someone doesn't want to have sex with their partner, they usually know why. That doesn't mean the problem lies with you - could be he's depressed, insecure about something, whatever - but he probably knows what the problem is.

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I'm gonna agree with Enzarto - if someone doesn't want to have sex with their partner, they usually know why. That doesn't mean the problem lies with you - could be he's depressed, insecure about something, whatever - but he probably knows what the problem is.

He has always had problems with depression. He was into cutting himself and all that bull * * * * early in the relationship. He is actually less depressed now than he was back when we were having amazing sex.

He could be insecure. He has gained a lot of weight in the last year or so. So have I, which is why I wondered if he just wasn't attracted to me anymore.

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Wow hon, did not sense the seriousness it seems that this has been persistent, sorry to hear about this by the way. This is definitely a 'do not pass go do not collect 200 situation'--restrain the marriage until you explain this. He has not shown sign of interest doesn't mean he lost it. He's 22 he may just need time. I don't want to guess at it anymore, because that could just make you feel hurt for something that may very well not be true. But I would definitely bottom line, have him say explain (a good explanation), before moving forward any further.

 

Explain yourself as well, meaning, tell him what you've done, you've waited, you've received counselling, you've made the certain moves required, and he has not explained...then take it from there.

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