Please Help!

[jbevert]

I am in quite a predicament. I am a 19 year old gay male, and I have been committed to my boyfriend for the last two years. I love him a lot, however for as long as I can remember, I have also felt really uncomfortable being in this relationship. The reason being is that I am just not ready to be tied down yet. I know it's possible for some people to be committed this early, but my heart is just not in it. I need to time to explore, and just exist for me and no one else. I know it is selfish, but I feel like it's more selfish to be with my boyfriend when I am not in it 100%. He is graduating grad school next year, and I'll still have 1 year of undergrad after that, and then I plan to join the peace corp and go to grad school as well. He is in a place to begin settling down, but I just am not at that point. I want to see other people and explore new things, as well as recapture the old me that was spontaneous, cheerful, and bright. I feel that for months now I have lost my personality, and held an extreme amount of guilt over my head. I've lost friendships, hobbies, and I just feel like I lost myself. I feel like if I don't do something, I can't begin living my life for me until I graduate and I am forced to separate from distance, but I just can't wait that long to be happy. The problem is that I do love him, and I don't want to see him hurt, but I feel it is inevitable. It's not fair for me to lie to him to keep him happy, right????

 

I was going to wait until Friday to tell him, when we usually go see a couples counselor, so that I would not get all wishy washy and feel more structured. I tried this before but I always end up breaking down and getting back together because I feel bad. Here's the kicker - WEDNESDAY is our 2 year anniversary, so that's gonna be hard to fake being completely happy, and I also feel bad doing this so close to the date... but what can I do???????????????????

 

So lost----- please help!!

[skyblue69]

The reason being is that I am just not ready to be tied down yet. I know it's possible for some people to be committed this early, but my heart is just not in it. I need to time to explore, and just exist for me and no one else. I know it is selfish, but I feel like it's more selfish to be with my boyfriend when I am not in it 100%.

 

 

Why didnt you feel that way 2 years ago? I think the "Real" reason is what you wrote below:

 

I want to see other people

 

You want to have sex with other people.

 

 

 

I've lost friendships!!

 

Why did you lose friendships?

 

Did you have an "open relationship" or "monogamous" relationship?

 

 

You should end it ASAP if you dont want to work at it.

[Capricorn3]

You've already posted this same thread before

[Tanzi]

If your heart really isn't in it then you have to end it otherwise you will soon begin to feel trapped and start to resent your partner. He deserves to be with someone who is 100% committed - you both do - but you just aren't ready yet. You are young and have a life to live.

 

As for the timing - is there ever a good time?

[skyblue69]

If your heart really isn't in it then you have to end it otherwise you will soon begin to feel trapped and start to resent your partner. He deserves to be with someone who is 100% committed - you both do - but you just aren't ready yet. You are young and have a life to live.

 

As for the timing - is there ever a good time?

 

 

 

Older people also "have a life to live." What is that supposed to mean?

 

2 years later is a lousy time to discover you're "not ready", or want to "play the field."

 

What about committment? It only means something if you're above a certain age?

 

I dont think so...with all due respect of course.

[Tanzi]

It means that he is probably too young to settle down permanently if he is begininng to feel the need to spread his wings!!!

 

At 41 I'm not exactly young (not that I am in any way old either) and I KNOW I still have a life to live. I'm certainly not ready for the knackers yard yet and I never implied such a thing - a complete misinterpretation I think!!

 

And relationships can break down at any stage, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years or like mine 12 years (and 3 children later). You can't stay in a relationship if you are truly unhappy purely based on the fact that you have invested 2 years already.

[skyblue69]

"spread his wings"

"broaden his horizons"

all mean the same thing... s-lut around.

 

but you make a valid point.

[jbevert]

Are you kidding me? I agree it is unfortunate to realize these feelings 2 years later, but I did, so stop calling it lousy. It happens. Committment means different things to everyone, just don't think I'm ready for it. I don't think sexual and emotional exploration is " * * * * ting around," either. I came here for advice, not to be judged. Also for you to assume that by wanting to see other people is strictly about sex is pretty rediculous.

[jbevert]

You've already posted this same thread before

I know sorry, I just wanted to try and get a few other responses. You're advice has been extremely helpful though.

[Tanzi]

Are you kidding me? I agree it is unfortunate to realize these feelings 2 years later, but I did, so stop calling it lousy. It happens. Committment means different things to everyone, just don't think I'm ready for it. I don't think sexual and emotional exploration is " * * * * ting around," either. I came here for advice, not to be judged. Also for you to assume that by wanting to see other people is strictly about sex is pretty rediculous.

 

 

There are some pretty judgemental people on here tonight.

 

You do have a difficult decision to make however. You obviously love this guy but are not ready to settle down, you are only 19 after all. But how do you think you will feel if you end the relationship and he finds someone else? I don't mean to confuse you, just think it is something you should think about, although I'm sure you probably have already.

[jbevert]

There are some pretty judgemental people on here tonight.

 

You do have a difficult decision to make however. You obviously love this guy but are not ready to settle down, you are only 19 after all. But how do you think you will feel if you end the relationship and he finds someone else? I don't mean to confuse you, just think it is something you should think about, although I'm sure you probably have already.

I think if finds someone else I would be happy for him. I'm the first guy he's ever been with, so I'm definitely for him exploring around as well. I don't want him to "wait around" for me. If it is meant to be it will happen again some day when are both ready. At least that is the way I think.

[skyblue69]

Are you kidding me? I agree it is unfortunate to realize these feelings 2 years later, but I did, so stop calling it lousy. It happens.

 

Not kidding at all. You decide you "had a need" to f*** other people 2 years later? That's lousy to your boyfriend, to put it mildy.

 

 

Committment means different things to everyone, just don't think I'm ready for it.

 

Are you joking? What is that supposed to mean? Committment means the exact same thing throughout the world and the planet I live on. Does committment means different things in the gay community? Please clarify, because committment is a pretty simple and basic concept to grasp.

 

 

 

I don't think sexual and emotional exploration is " * * * * ting around," either.

 

 

Uhm...when you're in a COMMITTED relationship SEXUAL and EMOTIONAL "exploration" is called CHEATING. If you're single, there's another name for it.

 

 

 

It sounds like what you're describing is "polyamory" or "open relationships" , where basically you agree to f*** whomever you want, whenever yo u want. So basically it's being single and f****** whomever you want.

 

 

I came here for advice, not to be judged.

 

You solicited opinions. You got them!

 

Dont ask the question if you dont want honest responses. I'm not going to patronize you or validate sleeping around.

 

 

 

Also for you to assume that by wanting to see other people is strictly about sex is pretty rediculous.

 

 

Wanting to "see" other people is obviously about sex, among other things. Think about it. How are you supposed to feel being in bed with someone & making love to them, then knowing when you get up the very next day they're going to be in bed with someone else f***** the * * * * out of them (possibly unprotected) and getting the s*** f***** out of them (unprotected)?

 

That doesn't work for most people, and I don't feel bad at all for expressing my (commonly held) beliefs. It's pretty common to want your partner to be faithful and committed. That's called a normal & healthy relationship.

 

"Friends-with-benefits" or "open relationship" (s-luts) will never work for me. They are built on a foundation of quicksand...with all due respect.

[jbevert]

I have never cheated on him. I am not sleeping around, and I dont' believe in cheating. I didn't decide to feel this way, I really wish I didn't and that is why I cry myself to sleep at night because I am so torn. It totally sucks for my boyfriend, but it's probably worse to hold back my feelings and let them manifest into something much worse.

[skyblue69]

There are some pretty judgemental people on here tonight.

 

You do have a difficult decision to make however. You obviously love this guy but are not ready to settle down, you are only 19 after all. But how do you think you will feel if you end the relationship and he finds someone else? I don't mean to confuse you, just think it is something you should think about, although I'm sure you probably have already.

 

 

jellybaby..i asked for examples about your previous complaint which you never provided. It's immature and too easy to label every opinion you disagree with as "judgmental people".

 

 

Age is not an excuse. I know plenty of teens who are committed, and dont alter the definition of the word either.

 

I could just as easily spout: "There are some pretty promiscuous people on here tonight."

 

 

Instead of name calling you should backup your points with facts and content.

 

Respectfully.

[skyblue69]

I have never cheated on him. I am not sleeping around, and I dont' believe in cheating. I didn't decide to feel this way, I really wish I didn't and that is why I cry myself to sleep at night because I am so torn. It totally sucks for my boyfriend, but it's probably worse to hold back my feelings and let them manifest into something much worse.

 

Then tell him. The longer you keep him in the dark the worse it is for him. I'm not saying youre a bad person for falling out of love. Just that the sooner you express your feelings to him, the more dignity you have and the less hurt he has.

 

I know it's easier said then done.

[Tanzi]

Gosh Skyblue, you really are going for it tonight.

 

Since when did he say that he ever cheated on him.

 

The relationship is obviously coming to an end and he is seeking advice. He is doing the right thing by ending the relationship if he feels the need to see other people.

 

We go through many relationships before we find the right one but it doesn't mean to say we aren't committed when we are in them. They just don't always work out for one reason or another.

[Tanzi]

Skyblue:

 

I never went back to the other thread so I couldn't back my claims up. And quite frankly I don't think I need to.

[skyblue69]

Gosh Skyblue, you really are going for it tonight.

 

Since when did he say that he ever cheated on him.

 

The relationship is obviously coming to an end and he is seeking advice. He is doing the right thing by ending the relationship if he feels the need to see other people.

 

We go through many relationships before we find the right one but it doesn't mean to say we aren't committed when we are in them. They just don't always work out for one reason or another.

 

 

 

Gosh JellyBaby, you really are going for it tonight.

 

Since when did I *say* that he ever cheated on his boyfriend?

 

This is the *third* time you've made unwarranted accusations without backing any of them up with actual facts. Anyone can make accusations and slander...

 

He is not "doing the right thing" if he doesnt discuss it with his boyfriend, and re-evaluate his concept of committment.

 

Uhm... *some* people go through *many* relationships and "play the field", while others are much more selective and only have a few relationships before getting married.

 

As a previous poster on another thread mentioned below:

 

I don't understand why breaking up has become the norm. Once upon a time, it was normal for one to marrry one's first love...or to wait until you find someone you wanted to marry and make them your first and final love. That is what I did because I didn't want to get hurt like this.

[skyblue69]

Skyblue:

 

I never went back to the other thread so I couldn't back my claims up. And quite frankly I don't think I need to.

 

 

 

Oh but you do if you make wild accusations.

 

Crying wolf is not cool.

[jbevert]

Assuming I need to reevaluate my concept of commmitment is subjective. Commitment to me is probably similar to a lot of people - being true and honest to the person you love. Unforunately my feelings don't align with being committed right now. I've considered polyamory, I know it works for some people. I don't think it work for us though, because I am not just seeking other people, I am just seeking a life without relationships or commitment right now. I don't want sex, I just want freedom and autonomy again.

[skyblue69]

Assuming I need to reevaluate my concept of commmitment is subjective. Commitment to me is probably similar to a lot of people - being true and honest to the person you love.

 

Uhm, that's just called being honest and telling the truth. That's not committment. Look it up i nwebsters dictionary if you have to, but at 19 yo ushould seriously know the definiton.

 

 

 

 

I've considered polyamory, I know it works for some people. I don't think it work for us though, because I am not just seeking other people, I am just seeking a life without relationships or commitment right now. I don't want sex, I just want freedom and autonomy again.

 

 

Do you agree that "polyamory" is basically being single and f***** whoever you want, whenevr you want? What's your definiton of polyamory?

 

I'm also curious to know what your definition of a "s-lut" is, with all due respect.

[jbevert]

This is getting way too off topic at this point. I just wanted advice, I don't need my brain picked. That is why I have a therapist. We don't have the same opinions so why try to change them. Please stop posting on this thread. I have heard your advice, and I will take it into account. Thank you.

[Tanzi]

I hope you manage to make the right choice for yourself.

 

If you really aren't worried about your bf finding someone else then it sounds like you really are ready to let go and move on.

 

The point I made about the age is that, statistically at 19, you are less likely to be ready to settle down or to have found the right person. That being said, it doesn't mean that you can't commit when in a relationship just because you are younger (I myself was in a 4 year relationship which started when I was 17) but you clearly aren't ready for that yet.

 

Good luck

[jbevert]

Thank you for your help. I'll see how things go the next few days.

 

I hope you manage to make the right choice for yourself.

 

If you really aren't worried about your bf finding someone else then it sounds like you really are ready to let go and move on.

 

The point I made about the age is that, statistically at 19, you are less likely to be ready to settle down or to have found the right person. That being said, it doesn't mean that you can't commit when in a relationship just because you are younger (I myself was in a 4 year relationship which started when I was 17) but you clearly aren't ready for that yet.

 

Good luck