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I hate the person she has become but still in love with her old self


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I have posted heaps on my recent break up.

Here is the short of it

. Together for 2 years and madly in love that whole time

 

. She gets sick mentally and says she feels numb and cant feel anything

 

. 2 months later breaks up with me saying she doesnt feel anything for me anymore

 

. Has turned into a SUPER BI@TCH after the break up.

 

The thing is she was the sweetest person on the planet for the whole two years we were together, would do anything for anyone, sending me random i love you txts everyday, making long term committments to each other to get married one day when we are in the right place financially etc, kids, all of that she was so sweet and kind.

Now suddenly she breaks up with me and is acting like a different person, a cruel, unempathetic person. This isnt her at all, whatever has attacked her mind has turned her into this new person.

However i am still in love with the old girl, the sweet, kind one. But she doesnt exist anymore. Is this just her mind doing this to her, do I hold on to hope that one day she will get better and we will be together again?

I truly believe that she is my soul mate and that life has thrown us something that we need to have to learn and grow from, and that one day in the future we will find that love again.

Am i in denial, is it a lost cause, what do i do?

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Like a lot of people, I can relate.

 

The horrible truth is you learn a lot about someone in a break up ... probably more then when you're together.

 

Think about the way she's acted ... do you really want to be like someone who would be so inconsiderate. How would you ever trust her again?

 

Maybe this person wasn't her during the relationship, but it is her now.

 

I know how hard it is to let go and it takes plenty of time (heck I still havent completely let go) but day by day in time it becomes easier, and you begin to accept them more for who they are rather then who they were.

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yeah i see all your points. But she has been that sweet person her whole life, her closest friends even notice it. So the old girl was the real person and this is like some monster. Maybe thats just who she was meant to become, i duno

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Maybe this person wasn't her during the relationship, but it is her now.

 

I don't know...it's not something that just happens overnight. It's quite possible that she was always this person, just very good at holding it back. My ex was the same. In the beginning she was very sweet, but every so often would show a very ugly side. I mean ugly like complete opposite "Where did that come from?" ugly. As time went on, it became more and more frequent. I wonder if she just had a hard time keeping the sweet image going.

 

Not saying she LIED, but maybe that she was trying to fight it and finally realized that the outbursts were a part of who she was.

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yeah but it wasnt an image, not once was she cruel in any way and that was for 2 yrs, even b4 we got together and her friends knew her, her friends said she has changed into someone she has never been. Thats what makes it hard, i know this isnt her. I mean come on, the day she 'feels numb to the world and cant feel anything' is the same day she thinks she doesnt feel anything for me. That cant be a coincedence.

Am i wasting my time holding out for the old E to come back?

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I think people sometimes act strangely during a breakup. I don't necessarily think it's a reflection of who they really are. I think people tend to deal with breakups differently. Sometimes people get angry and mean, somtimes they withdraw, sometimes they become needy. Relationships endings are difficult for everyone and people react to such endings with various coping mechanisms.

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Depends. Would you consider it a waste of time if you had 2, 3 or more crappy days with her for every one good day?

 

Be cautious of having the "knight in shining armor" syndrome. She's the only one that can change herself, and nothing you can say or do is going to make her snap out of it.

 

I think people sometimes act strangely during a breakup. I don't necessarily think it's a reflection of who they really are. I think people tend to deal with breakups differently. Sometimes people get angry and mean, somtimes they withdraw, sometimes they become needy. Relationships endings are difficult for everyone and people react to such endings with various coping mechanisms.

 

She broke up with him. For her to all of a sudden break up with him and flip out tells me that there's something deeper at work here than a simple coping mechanism.

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Yeah......It's probably a temporary change, as I don't believe anyone can change their entire nature, especially not that quickly. She probably still does have those good traits but wants to be someone else right now.

 

My ex was the same way...not only good to me but to everyone. He was an exemplary person and I felt so lucky to have him for a partner. But he stopped liking himself and no longer wanted to be the person I originally committed to. Sure, I would get glimpses of him so I knew he still existed, but he decided to let the new guy take over most of his body.

 

Even so, I still loved him with the changes he made...didn't like some of the negative things, but some of the physical changes (hair, new clothes, etc.) I could deal with.

 

I don't know what makes people want to escape from who they are, but it must be a painful place to be in---I know because my ex was very depressed. Maybe your ex is too.

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I forgot to say that I really feel for you, btw! Your denial is normal now. It will go away with time, but sometimes we need that hope to get us through the days at first. I couldn't have made it without faith...literally. I am very slowly learning that it may be over for good and that I just need to assume he's not coming back until further notice. If you are not ready for that, no rush.

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i think my ex is in a very dark place, she was in that place months before that actual break up, but those months she kept telling me she loved me. I just feel that it isnt right, something has stolen her away from herself and thats the reason for the break up. That might be my denial but its so hard to steer away from the facts:

1- for 2 yrs she never once felt anything other than extreme love for me (i know for fact)

 

2- the day she gets sick and in that depressed state, a state of numbness, is the same day she says she stopped feeling for me

 

3- Now still in that state, she has cut her normal self off and is in this plastic person somewhere, hiding.

 

4- wont contact me at all, when even the day b4 the break up would contact me all the time to say she loves me

 

I guess what im trying to say is that it doesnt make sense and the only thing that can make any sense is that her being in this depressed state made her feel numb to the world (her original words), and over time has convinced herself she is numb to me aswell. And there is nothing i can do to bring her back to life

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your break-up is very recent, and your ex is going through her freedom phase and relief that she's no longer tied down in a relationship, hence her insensitivity towards you and what you once had with her. you have to let her go through this w/o you in her life, or she will resent you more and more if you challenge her freedom by contacting, questioning, etc. thus making reconciliation more difficult.

 

for whatever reasons, people change for good or bad. we cannot make them love or feel anything, they just either do or don't. or sometimes they are just so mixed up that they need to lose you to realize what they are missing. the hardest thing to do is to really accept this and let it be. we have to let go of the idea that if we just say the right thing, or show them they are wrong, we can convince them to change. or if we ask them next week maybe they'd have changed their mind. those are all dead end roads and prevents you from moving forward.

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The horrible truth is you learn a lot about someone in a break up ... probably more then when you're together.

 

This is very true, my ex was the sweetest little thing when we were together (a great two year relationship). She was very shy which I found to be an attractive quality, she didn't have many friends or hobbies and was totally devoted to me and our relationship.

 

When we broke up she was really devastated, then all of a sudden, 3 months later it was like she flipped a switch inside that said "I'm done with being upset over this". A month later she got a new boyfriend who she is still with and has turned into this super-confident girl who is always going out and now has loads of new friends. I guess it took the break-up for her to become this new, outgoing person she had always wanted to be.

 

It's funny how some people deal with breakups and I suppose I kind of admire the coping mechanism she has developed over the years. She's been in a lot more LTR relationships than me so I guess she knows exactly how to get over someone, something that is still new to me. It still knocked me on my @ss when I saw she was back out there while I was still upset over everything, though. I am only JUST getting over her, am not ready for a new relationship and it's been 8 months since the split!

 

People just develop different capacities for 'bouncing back' I imagine, her moving onto a new relationship after 4 months still really hurt me though. We were so happy for two years. I have no right to feel this way at all, but she totally lost my respect when I found out about the new guy. If I'm honest, I thought it would take a bit longer for me to be replaced, or she would have at least taken a bit of a break from relationships first! Like I say though, we're all different and she's just moving on with her life so good luck to her.

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My ex was similar to this too....I wanted to ask her to get help when I became privy to some things about her that I didn't spot before. It was evident that she was having an hard time and out of some very strong feelings, I wanted to stand by her. I realised though that by being there, she wasn't moving forward from this and I was getting damaged by it. Some of the things she said and did....I still wonder why.

 

When I left her, she didn't even try to stop me. I wasn't looking for that reaction, but it showed to me that she wanted to bury her head in the sand, let me go and not admit that she pushed my nose out. Your ex would rather treat someone else badly than own up to her faults and condition. You have to ask yourself, "Is this who I want to be with?" I gave her absolutely EVERYTHING and she couldn't concede much at all.

 

I am sure she is a good person inside and I really feel your pain. I am in your corner here. You will start to feel better soon, it's a rocky road but make sure you come out of it at the other side and you will be a stronger person for it.

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I feel for you as do most here. You are in love with your memories, not current reality. As am I. It gets less intense as reality will trump your wishes.

 

Give her lots of space and time. Do not contact her at all. In time, she may get that she's using you as a lightning rod. She's blaming things and looking for things outside of her for what can only be discovered and dealt with inside of her. Give her the gift of missing you. Use the time you were investing in her and thinking about her to build yourself.

 

You can do this,

Raoul

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Thank you for all the helpful msgs, they were all helpful!

Yesterday evening a fog lifted, my mind grasped onto some clarity and for the first time i saw the world through untainted eyes. (Im a song writer and have a tendency to make things poetic so stick with me).

I went for a walk for about an hour and it just lifted that fog, cleared my mind. I realised that the break was meant to happen, the whole path of our relationship was meant to happen, not by god or religion but because when we met each other we were both a bit lost. She had confidence issues, friend issues and self esteem issues among more. I had problems with depression, alcohol and other substances. We found each other and our whole path was meant to guide each other to this place. Where through unbearable pain, we have both been able to discover ourseleves, we were lost and didnt know who we were during our time and we both helped each other.

The break up was always going to happen, through the break up i have had to wake up to myself, my alcohol dependence and my depression, and in doing so have found myself a little bit, still more to go but i know im on the right track.

She has become more confident and happy and improved herself through this, so all in all i think that we were brought into each others lives for this exact moment.

That is all, that was our path and I have now accepted that and am actually thankful to her for all that she has done for me including making myself wake up to who i really am.

She will always be dear to my heart for that reason.

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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