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I really just want to write out my feelings and the predicaments going on in my head for the last few weeks.

 

Background story: We went out for 2.5 years, high school sweethearts, went to the same college, I was head over heels for her and always felt like I probably loved her more than she did me but I was fine with that. She was everything I wanted. She broke up with me because of Grass is Greener syndrome.

 

She went through 2 quick boyfriends and about 7 months later she came back (after implementing NC for about 2 months) We dated for about 2 months then she broke it off again basically citing the same reasons as before. "I feel trapped...." "I love you but am not in love with you.." the whole nine yards.

 

Now its been about 4 or 5 weeks since weve talked. I dont count days. I havent looked at her Facebook. I made sure she died to me and I try to avoid extra heartache at all costs. But you want to hear the saddest thing? I still would take her back. I desperately wait for her to text me, even if its to string me along, I dont care, how sick is that? Its like I am addicted.

 

Your probably asking yourself what the helk is this guys problem? I have no clue. I have no urges to contact her or try to find out what shes doing (via facebook). I just find it so weird that I am so messed up. She has done so many awful things to me, cheated, lied, lied again (haha), and now broke my heart twice. But I am so insecure I guess that my ego wants to at least acknowledge her. Why cant I just let her go?

 

All my friends tell me, "Dude, your way too good for her. She is an emotional abuser..." My mom and dad, "Son, just move on, you will find one day that she is not worth it" But yet I cant actually take their statements to heart.

 

Bottom Line: My brain is like yeah dude your too good for her, she will regret it one day, but my heart is like why cant she just come back and love me? And its a constant struggle. Somedays I am as happy and high on life as can be then other days ill have a bad dream and just hit rock bottom. I need to let her go. I just want to be ME again.

 

Anyways have no clue what I just wrote, but I think I feel much better now haha!

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Sometimes its best to listen to your brain. I find often friends and family have the best insight because they've seen your relationship from the outside. I think you should carry on moving on and KNOW you've made the right choice in being away from her.

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No one can tell you what you absolutely should or should not do. In the same vane, you cannot tell her her, even in your own mind, how she should act or feel about you.

 

Wanting her to come back is just your ego wanting things to be different than they are right now. It is an appeal to the future which is just an image in your mind. An image that you react to that causes emotions. Some of which will be unpleasant. The appeal to the future is compelling because it holds so many possibilities. The key is to accept the outcome no matter which possibility becomes reality in the present moment.

 

I would do what makes sense to me right now and let outcome come as it will, then accept it and go from there. You might find that the suffering diminishes.

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I am going through that whole brain/heart division right now. Sometimes the brain takes over and says 'this is whats happened, u cant control it and this is what you need to do from here', then the heart takes over and says 'it doesnt make sense for her not to love me anymore, there must be something else she isnt telling me, i should call her to find out'.

It is so hard to sift through all those thoughts and find the right ones. They can be so commanding that you cant ignore it.

I am now 14 days after the break up, have tried to speak to her many times but nothing, she has txtd me once just to say that she wont be speaking to me cos it will make it harder for you to move on.

Some days are good, some are bad, but this division b/w my heart and my brain always have the same consistant thought: 'This is not right, she still loves me but her mental state is preventing her from feeling it'.

Cant shake it

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Same here. I have the constant battle of "brain vs. heart"... It's a minute by minute type battle. It's been battling since we've had problems in our relationship many months ago, but the heart would always win. My heart got stepped on, stabbed, broken, extracted, and eaten so many times that it's been the brain that's been winning the battle (well, for the past week/week and a half).

 

Of course the heart keeps showing up time to time trying to put up a fight against the brain. I just hope that the heart joins the brain's side soon, it's inevitable at the moment. Time is what will bring the two sides together.

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The heart's not always wrong, and the mind's not always right. But if one's gotten you in more and more of a mess, it might be time to think with the other one.

 

I like this. Good advice! It's not easy to "just move on," but take it day by day. Accomplish small goals each day...simple things you enjoy doing...fixing a broken appliance yourself, reading a chapter from a good book, watching a movie you've never seen but always been curious about, learning a new skill, going somewhere different to have coffee, taking a walk at the river...little things....but DIFFERENT things...so you can build new associations that have little to do with your ex. And start trying to see your old hobbies in different contexts so you don't lost them out of grief.

 

It does work for me. Doesn't mean I don't still feel bad about my ex...but at least it helps me move on in the meantime, while I'm venting on here.

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yeah, the constant dialogue between brain and heart is exhausting! seymore, i like what you said about following the other if one of 'em gets you in trouble over and over again. i kept following my heart but it just kept getting stomped on. so my brain finally took notice and has been in full-on defense mode to protect my heart. thank you brain, my heart is finally healing

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To the OP: I think in your particular case, you'll be better off listening to your brain.

 

I wish you well.

 

I agree with this.

 

I understand why people would say that neither the heart nor brain is 100% right but so far, all the things I've done post-breakup that I'm proud of have been the result of ignoring my heart and listening to my brain.

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It's very interesting you used the word "addicted" in your original post. There are many people out there (me included) who see love as a true addiction. Love is about feelings, and feelings fundamentally involve brain chemistry. If that's the case, is love really all that different from a chemical dependency to nicotine or alcohol?

 

I pulled out this definition for addiction from merriam-webster

 

"persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful"

 

Does this describe your behavior? If she treats you like hell, why do you want her in your life? Why can't you let go? Why do millions of smokers, alcoholics, drug abusers not quit when everyone knows these things will ultimately kill them?

 

I used to think it was all a matter of willpower. If people just had willpower, they can do anything. I now realize that this is very naive view of the world. There are many studies out there that show addiction to be a complex neurological puzzle. Addiction affects the brain, and most important of all, it affects different people differently. Some people can smoke casually and not have a problem. Some people probably couldn't quit to save their lives. Someone told me recently that a pack of cigarette in New York cost more than $10. $10! If that doesn't illustrate the addictive nature of nicotine, I don't know what does.

 

Some people can stop an addiction through sheer willpower. Some need a little help (maybe nicotine patch or AA). Some need extreme measures (rehab). If you truly see your behavior mirroring an addiction, then one of the first things you have to do is take a long hard look and figure out how much help you need. Are you the casual smoker in the relationship sense? If you're here on these forums, somehow I think the answer is no. You fell way into this and now can't find your way out. They way I see it, NC is detox. Yes, it's extreme, but sometimes, but we can't necessarily change how we feel. We can't flip a switch and change our brain chemistry. I hope I'm not speaking foolishly, as I've never gone to rehab or anything like that. I do know that it works.

 

Like so many others here, I had serious problems with a very destructive relationship. Yet, despite the hell that she put me through, like you, I still long for her sometimes. I've only recently come to realize that this doesn't make me weak or stupid. I shared my life with this woman for two years. I put my heart and soul into the relationship. When you love someone that deeply, it changes you. Your brain gets rewired somehow, and it's not something that can be rationalized away. I think we all try too hard to apply rational thought to feelings, but that's pointless. Just as you can't simply lay out the pro's and con's of drinking to someone and have them instantly see the logic of your argument, no one here can give you advice that will make sense or make everything ok. What you'll find here are just tools. It's up to you to figure out how to use them.

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You don't want to settle for less...I feel like she's playing games with you. Personally I would not tolerate such disrespectful behavior. I would say, dude, listen to your brain at this moment if you want to mend your heart or keep your heart from further damage.

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When you love deeply for a long while, it often takes an equal amount of time to truly get over that person. The longer you stay away from them and have no contact, the easier it will become but you may never lose those tender feelings for someone you've loved that deeply. Unlike death, you know this was a choice of hers and you just have to accept that choice and, I believe, that makes the grieving from a long term breakup sometimes more difficult. Years later you may look back and feel that old tug but that's all it will be - a tug at the heart. Right now, in the fresh of it, the war between love and loss due to choices is agony. Only you can decide when you are ready to let go of the pain and find peace.

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