Jump to content

3 months NC - what now?


3monthsNC
Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

Recommended Posts

My ex broke up with me 6 months ago after dating for 2.5 years. We both live in LA and work in the same industry. She said we were over and that I should move on. She said there was no one else and I believe her.

 

Looking back, I was at an insecure point in my life and was relying on her too much. That's not me normally but I was in a dark place. For the first two months of the break up, I'd contact her every few weeks with non-serious things: "happy birthday!" or "congrats on being an aunt" and she'd always be kind but never initiated. I sent her a sappy email eventually and she said she still thought being broken up was the right thing. Like so many of you, I think I lost my balls. How could I expect her to be attracted to someone acting so insecure? Since that e-mail, I've been in NC since. It's been over 3 months.

 

She is shy. SUPER shy. And I know there were things I didn't do right, like I never told her how seriously I felt about her (she complained about this). I apologized and professed my love again and again, but it did no good, just made me look more insecure.

 

Just the other week her sister--who I'm not close to, but my ex is verrrrry close to--invited me to a party at my ex's house. I had other plans, but now I'm wondering if that was a "reach" on the behalf of my ex. I doubt I would get invited without my ex's consent.

 

THings have been good for me. I've been on a couple dates with cute girls that I've realized I'm not that into, I'm in great shape again, and my confidence is back. I'm a good looking guy and have never had trouble finding the ladies. But I just haven't found another girl like my ex, and I don't know if I will.

 

I'm thinking I'm ready to give her a call. I don't feel like she'll ever call me, she's so dang shy. Or else I could say, " * * * * it! I'm gonna keep on keepin on." What do you think? I miss her, and I want to be with her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Alright, I've decided I'm going to give it a shot. It's been a while, I've regained my confidence and she probably is at the point where she's been wondering.

 

How do I contact her? With a phone call? An e-mail? A third party invitation to a group of friends outing? Bring up the relationship and my thoughts, or just non-chalant stuff?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

..I would call her. Don't speak then about relationship stuff. Make the call short, be good mooded, make her curious. It will be a call out of the blue, so she will be surprised by it. You can check by it also her reaction towards you.. if it's a good one ask her out=) If it's just polite and "cold", don't reflect her, end the call in a good way and move again to NC. She has to react then.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just call and say Hi. DO NOT tell her you miss her. Say you were bored or something and realized you hadnt talked in a while. You hang up first.

 

My ex is similar to yours. Stubborn as hell doesnt even get close lol.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just call and say Hi. DO NOT tell her you miss her. Say you were bored or something and realized you hadnt talked in a while. You hang up first.

 

 

..this is also a kind of must go=) And perhaps she will initiate the further contact by her side. Anyway keep us informed about this phone call!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thedude- Looking at your threads, it looks like you've made some progress and never did what I'm thinking about doing. You let her reach out to you? You don't think I'd be making a mistake by reaching out to her?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If she is shy like you say she is, then she probably won't reach out too many more times. It really depends on her, you, and the relationship. You have to decide yourself if she is worth reach out to after you are feeling good about your life. If you are doing it b/c you haven't found someone better, then don't do it. Only do it if deep down you feel that she is the love of your life and is worth the pain. It sounds like you are already realizing that there are other girls out there. You just have to work your way through them to find another person that means as much to you as your ex.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

For the most part I let her reach out to me(after I did all the begging/etc). To be honest it was RARE that she did. Understand that we were together for 8 years and were very close.

 

In the last couple months we have talked 3 times instigated by her, which beats the 1 time in the 6 months she called before. I think making a point that I wont bite her head off if she calls and also that I'm not going to chase her anymore was the right thing to do in my case. I'm sure she misses me because I was very good to her which doesnt hurt with her missing me. I think Once they reach out the first time you have to not reject them yet not persue either.

 

I did wish her a happy birthday a couple weeks after she called me. I got no response at first but then she wished me a happy B-day and sent a nice letter about how she appreciated me remembering. With a closed person you cant just reject their (sometimes really pathetic) attempts to get in touch/etc they react in an extreme matter to rejection. I think strict NC doesnt work with them. its more since they are going to do the NC for the most part you just dont get overly excited when they contact you. All you can say is "hey the road's open if you want to come down it.". Id say thats what your "hi" call can be.

 

I'm not claiming that I am going to get back with her. I probably am not because I dont think I will allow it even though I still love her.

 

Sorry if that is a little out of order, I'm enjoying some Cinco de mayo beverages at the moment

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

Alright everyone, I never called her. She's never called me. It's been months--I'm not even sure how many. I've just been doing my thing, and I'm doing great--but I do miss her very much. BUT tomorrow night I'm supposed to go to a bonfire at our mutual friend's place, she's on the invite list and she very well may be there. Or she may not. Who knows. (Also, this is the first mutual friend thing where it's really been possible for us to be in the same place at the same time)

 

Any advice for how to act if she's there? Talk about the elephant in the room? Don't? Whatdya think?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just be yourself. Show your happiness and you know give her information on how your independence is developing. i.e. new place, new hobbies, doing well at work, that sort of thing. No need to bring up the past - just basically show her you're a person that can survive perfectly on their own. That way you become more attractive and defintely more of a challenge. Turn the tables and you'll win, if that is what you want.

 

Enjoy the night!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

so we didn't end up at that party together. i guess she was out of town. I haven't broken NC in any manner for months--probably 5? 6?. She hasn't broken NC in any manner either. I haven't really heard anything about her life and I quit asking the few friends who might know something. For the most part, she never hangs out with my friends anymore.

 

Just saw some pics of her on myspace (i've been on NC for long enough I'm back to myspace) of her on this guy's lap and it's just got my heart aching--who knows if it's anything, but I hate thinking about it. But maybe I should cut her some slack because I know that I've been out with girls too since we broke up. I wonder if her time with guys has been as meaningless as the time I've spent with these girls.

 

I've been doing a lot better (see other posts for history) but I still miss her. I know that she must miss me at least periodically; she must wonder the same things about me that I do about her--but it's so tough.

 

I periodically wonder if I should break NC in any manner (again, see other sporadic posts). Maybe it is time to befriend her. I've thought about a light little non-serious e-mail--"Did you see this article?"--giving her a friendly call, or writing her a handwritten letter addressing the real issues.

 

Or maybe I just keep going and keep her cut out of my life.

 

Is this how it has to be forever? Any words of wisdom?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes! keep strong and focused on you...just keep on doing your own thing.

 

I know its hard..because it still feels like waiting where you are at..but you are not. Keep her out of the center of your existence..

 

You have been doing great. She has shown that she did not and does not want to get back with you. And if she's seeing someone now..my guess is that it will take a while before she even considers you..

 

she knows where to reach you..she has your number, your email..even the mutual friends..

 

Focus on you and opening your heart for someone else..

 

What will be..will be, but you cant wait for it to happen..

 

If you were really ready to be 'just friends' than i would i have said to go for it and make the call..but you are not detached enough for that...

 

the moment you see her in another man's arms and your heart doesnt jump from that...than you are ready..

 

Right now...keep on doing your own thing. You are doing great!

 

Best of luck..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...