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Is it fair to try and get back into her life??


Ash82

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Hey, really hoping you guys can help me out here as I really dont know what to do.

 

I left my partner 3 months ago, totally my decision and she made it clear that she would have me back. Not only did I move out of hers I moved City as well. We did try and work through things but I could never see the future in it so we decided to split - again mainly my decision. Now I do still care about her and have fun when we are together and find her physically attractive but I just cant feel I can offer her what she deserved.

 

Now giving you a bit of history - we both fell head over heals in love and everything was rosy. We fell pregnant, it was not planned but we both were looking forward to it. She has a few medical conditions which makes having a child difficult and she lost the baby about 4 months in. We were both devasted but managed to get through it. We both starting having problems at work so I started to look for something else. I got offered a lucrative new job but which was a 8hr round trip from where we live. I tried a daily commute but it became too much for me and I moved closer to work and we decided it would be fine as we would still see each other at weekends and we were building something for our future. After a while we both felt it was causing a strain on the relationship and she moved to where I lived.

 

She found the relocation very difficult as she has always been close to her family. Her past relationships seem to be a series of abusive partners and think she valued the safety having her family 10 mins away gave her. Dont get me wrong, I have never and will never raise my hand to her. Personally my Dad was abusive to my Mum and I saw what it put her through and I could not bring myself to make anyone ever feel that way. Anyway we decided to move back home and I quit my job to start my own business.

 

My job now involved me working from home. The idea was my partner would come and work with me when we could afford to. Due to work, I was spending the majority of the day by myself. Not really used to this and I consider myself to be a "people person". I would spend the majority of the day by myself and then in the evening my partner would get in at 6. Due to her medical conditions she may have to spend an hr or 2 in the bathroom and it would leave her quite tired and hence she would be in bed for about 10:30. I have never managed to go to bed before 2am and hence I would feel I was spending the evening by myself as well.

 

She was always encouraging for me to go out with my friends but due to a lack of finance it was never an option. Starting a new business had left finances tight and we could no longer do much. The credit crunch hit and it got worse and the hope of my partner come and work with me was pushed back further. She was even happy for me to go on holiday for 2 weeks without her to try and get my head straight. It worked for all of 2 days of being back.

 

Now since we split up I have been diagnosed with depression and supposedley have been suffering with it to varying degrees for most of my adult life (I am 26 now). I have never been one for talking about my feelings(think it is the anonymous nature of this thread that got me doing this) but a friend is a psychiatrist and she said from speaking to me this is what she thought and I should go see someone about it.

 

Now looking back on my relationship I feel I was lonely and unhappy with my work situation. Felt under pressure to make things work and didnt cope. Something in a previous thread made me think that was exactly what I was doing. It was something about reflecting your own personal unhappiness and insecurities on to your partner. Also I think I blame her for a lot which she had no control over. I think I expected too much from her in the way I expected her to be everything to me. In the sense of she was the only person I saw most days and I expected her to fill all the roles of the various relationships you have in life to make it fulfilled. For those who work in around lots of people, think about what you gain from these working relationships? I expected all of this from one person and then felt it was her fault that I was not happy.

 

Now I dont know how fair it is on her to try and get back with her. We tried and to be brutally honest it was a half a*sed attempt on my part. It didnt work and I hurt her again. I dont want her to hurt over me anymore and what if all I do is hurt her again?? Work is not great at the mo and seem to be feeling really low again. Is this the reason that I want my ex back - just to boost my confidence or am I realising what I had was great and I just put too much expectation on it?

 

I sort of came to the conclusion that I need to let sleeping dogs lie until I am personally in a happier place and if at the point I feel the same then to try and get back with my ex. My only problem with doing this is my partner is quite stubborn. She has made it clear that there will come a point where there is no going back. She will not mentally allow the thought to come into her head.

 

What if I miss the boat??? and if I jump too early maybe it is just a way for me to try and boost my confidence and I am just gonna hurt her again.

 

I have been on 2 dates recently. Nothing against the 2 ladies I met, they were both lovely in their own right but I just could not stop thinking about my ex?

 

Any suggestions would be much appreciated

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Why do people always make their life complicated? You want her, she wants you? Why are you creating artificial problems? Yes, you will miss the boat if you wait longer... The hardest thing in this life is to meet someone who loves you and you love them back, don't miss the chance you got.

 

Just a thought.

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I think you need to be sure it is her you want to be with. You state you question that if you are wanting her back because you are down about the work situation. I think you need to be sure of that. Either with her or without her, you have work to do on you. I would focus on that. You can do that while in a relationship. I just don't think it is fair to her for you to go back if you have any doubts.

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Ask her back, tell her that you want both of you to fix the problems that caused the breakup and this time both of you determined to make it work. It's really quite simple if she is willing. Simple - not easy!!

 

How is the depression?

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Ask her back, tell her that you want both of you to fix the problems that caused the breakup and this time both of you determined to make it work. It's really quite simple if she is willing. Simple - not easy!!

 

How is the depression?

 

 

Im still not too sure - still not been to see the doctor to have it properly diagnosed. But guess my friend is going to know me better than the doctor is. I think the most worrying thing is the suicidal thoughts. Dont get me wrong I disregard them as soon as they appear but the fact that they are there in the first place is a bit worrying.

 

I sent her an email the other day (we do have regular contact) just to let her know she wont hear from me for a while as my heads just not in the right place and I need to sort my life out. She responded with something like she still cares for me even though we have split up and she is there for me should I need her. So that makes me feel that she is willing but shouldnt I get myself straight first?

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but shouldnt I get myself straight first?
Yes but you had better be quick - and it might be worthwhile telling her that you do want her but need to do this first. But if you do - you had better follow through because it would not be cool to mislead her.
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Yes but you had better be quick - and it might be worthwhile telling her that you do want her but need to do this first. But if you do - you had better follow through because it would not be cool to mislead her.

 

But I feel that it will only be when I am feeling good in myself that I can make an honest decision on whether there is a future there

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The you must wait until that time. But by then it may be too late if you want her because she may no longer want you.

 

I guess that is a risk I must take to keep from hurting her again.

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Thank you for all your comments.

 

Just had me thinking that if I was as honest with her as I was on here we would have never found ourselves in this position in the first place. I have still not told her about the depression and that the breakdown of the relationship was down to it.

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Thank you for all your comments.

 

Just had me thinking that if I was as honest with her as I was on here we would have never found ourselves in this position in the first place. I have still not told her about the depression and that the breakdown of the relationship was down to it.

Then you should tell her.
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Then you should tell her.

 

But doesnt that come back to the point of giving her hope before I am totally sure it is what I want??? In a way I want her to know its not her fault and its me who has the problem. I think whatever else the break up has been good as it has made me realise the problem is and always has been me and no one else

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It lets her know that the ending of the realtionship wasn't her fault - nor was it really yours for that matter if the depression is real.

 

But it doesn't mean you have to give her hope - it may even give her closure.

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I am going to jump in here. You are pretty sure you have depression, you have had suicidal thoughts (even ones not acted on)... you stated that you have not been to a doctor yet. Why not? You need to help yourself right now before you can ever make her happy. If you are serious about getting better, why drag your feet? I am not meaning this to sound harsh. There are times in life you have to stand on your own two feet and do things even though they are not comfortable. In my opinion you should be doing that before giving her any indication of what you may want in the future. What do you think?

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I am going to jump in here. You are pretty sure you have depression, you have had suicidal thoughts (even ones not acted on)... you stated that you have not been to a doctor yet. Why not? You need to help yourself right now before you can ever make her happy. If you are serious about getting better, why drag your feet? I am not meaning this to sound harsh. There are times in life you have to stand on your own two feet and do things even though they are not comfortable. In my opinion you should be doing that before giving her any indication of what you may want in the future. What do you think?

 

I think I have not because I have always looked at depression as something people get who are too weak to deal with life. Wrong I know but the way I have always viewed it. So by having a doctor confirm it Im not sure it will help me overall. I seem to have suffered through perodic low periods in my life and usually can kick myself out of any lull. I am hoping that soon I will be able to beat the way I am feeling at the moment and hopefully this time it will be for good. I now understand and accept what the problems is - me -and now I have come to admit that hopefully its something I can fix. Or maybe I am just making excuses not to have to actually admit I do have a problem.

 

So would you say to have no contact with my ex until I have sorted things with myself? Not even to let her know that the problem lay with me?

 

p.s I'd rather you sound harsh and tell me exactly what you think - your input is appreciated

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Depression is not something that will go away on its on. If you think you have a problem, go to a doctor. You will benefit and so could your relationship. Maybe tell her what you feel you are dealing with and what your feelings are and that you are afraid of hurting her again. So, to prevent that from happening, you are going to work on the problem. You need to do this yourself and not lean on her for it.

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You earlier comment made me realise that I need to do something about it and have made an appointment to see the doctor in the morning.

 

I am weary of making any sort of contact which will get her thinking that we can get back together until I am totally sure. She made it clear she would do whatever it was to get me back and I think for a while she was in quite a dark place. Her emails were getting v.abusive and I knew it was just because she was hurting. She seems happier now and I dont want to ruin that for her.

 

Over everything else I do want to see her happy whether it is with me or not.

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