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Why won't she say what she has to say?


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I left my ex in February, as some are probably aware. With it being a LDR, and with various communication problems, her inability to fully commit and her insecurities/LSE making sure I got the rough end of the treatment, I felt it best to do so before we got deeper in and more complications.

 

She was shocked and offered no resistance, barely a word, apart from a text message 20 minutes later apologising for being numb, not making as much effort etc. Out of respect, I sent a letter, fully explaining myself and my feelings thinking it would give her closure. As a dumper (hate that term), I did NOT feel good doing this to her...she was maybe the first girl I loved. I still don't know if she got it.

 

4 weeks of NC....she sends a handmade gift to me. I don't know why. I thank her for it and ask her if she got my letter. No reply.

 

Anyhow, 2 months on and I am moving forward, having worked on myself (therapy, various other things) pretty much to the point where I can be friends with her at a distance. I felt that it would be nice to send a birthday card as she made a huge effort for mine last year. Nothing too mushy, just a card with well-wishes.

 

No word from her...I am okay with that.

 

Lo and behold, at 3:30am two days ago, I get a text saying thank you for the card. The content of the card didn't bother me, just the timing. I know how she works, and when she drinks, she suddenly gets confidence to say things. Last time this happened, I learned a lot more about her, albeit she wasn't sober but we actually talked about some proper thoughts and feelings.

 

This time, I am thinking she has something to say if she wants to engage me in the middle of the night. I know this is how she operates, never with direct communication. So why won't she say it? Two attempts to reach out now but no "punch".

 

Ok...I know you will tell me I shouldn't have sent the card and I accept that. I shouldn't have done because I am not as over this as I thought I was. In a sense, I just want her to disappear...the emotional abuse I suffered at her hands knocked me back for six. My feelings for her still exist which is why this is hard. But I am not chasing her for answers, I put a lot into this before.

 

I just wish she would go away, disappear from my conciousness.

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shoot. I feel for you. I would not tell you not to send the card. It's confusing as hell, caring for someone so much and then trying to let go of all threads of caring.

 

I think I might have an answer to "So why won't she say it?": FEAR. She's afraid of her own emotions. My guess, anyway.

 

My husband walked away from our relationship, so I refer to him as the dumper here on ENA, but no where else. I broke NC (which I asked for initially) a couple of times to say Let's meet, since he's been wanting to get together as friends. But then my emotions explode and distract me from work and everything else, so I call back and cancel, figuring I am far from ready to talk, either lightly or seriously. I admit, I am afraid. I won't always be, and my head is a lot farther along in this healing than my heart. I am letting my heart catch up.

 

( btw, I hate the term "dumper", too, and "dumpee", and "ex". )

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Yes, I think she is just scared. Maybe she wants to feel you out as far as how you are feeling towards her? Maybe her not replying to your notes/cards is that she is having a hard time letting go....?

 

As you know, I went through a break up over a week ago...sometimes I have good days and I can think I can be friends with him and talk to him but then I think, "why bother?"- "why bother" if he didn't want to be with me anymore, wht bother continuing the sadness and emotional connection...but it is so hard to let it go...

 

I know what you mean about wishing she would go away from your consciousness- like that movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" (uh DON'T watch that right now if you are still tender over the break up)- sometimes despite all the good memories together you wish you could erase them so the memories don't bring up all the pain of not being together...

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I wouldn't have told you not to send the card. Quite the opposite, I think that was both the nice and mature thing to do. You're reaching out, trying to show that you still think of her, without crossing any "please take me back" boundaries.

 

I also have to agree with everyone else. It sounds like she may have a hard time dealing with and facing up to her emotions. I can totally relate to that, having been on both sides of that fear. I used to have a really hard time expressing my emotions. It wasn't even so much that I knew what I felt and was afraid to say it. For a long time, my emotions were so suppressed that I didn't even know what I felt! It could literally take me days or longer, and often the aid of some "liquid mind-lubrication" (i.e., alcohol) in order to suss out what I was feeling. Hard to imagine, I'm sure, for someone who hasn't been there - but true story!

 

I've finally learned to be in touch with my emotions, only to run into this same problem with my most recent ex. Literally, the only times we could have in-depth, serious conversations about our relationship and his feelings, that involved more than maybe 10% participation on his part, were when he was drunk. Otherwise, he would just put up a rock wall and refuse to talk. A lot of that I attribute to his culture - Latino men are even more macho and more heavily socialized not to feel than North American men, and far more than most European men. But now I know how frustrating it is to deal with as the partner!

 

As far as disappearing - sometimes I wish there were an instant "Eternal Sunshine"-type mind eraser, too. Unfortunately all we have is time - and I can tell you from previous breakups that time really does help. I still think about previous exes occasionally, but it's alot easier now - I think of them rarely, and without all the emotion I used to feel.

 

Hang in there, ellandroader. You seem to be making really good progress so far, I hope it continues to get easier for you from here on out! hugs

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Hey, I know exactly what you're going through with the whole gf feeling 'numb' thing. Except she broke it off with me, she said she felt numb to the world and stopped feeling anything then 2 months later she dumped me. Now all i want is answers cos i dont believe she doesnt love me, i believe she just feels numb to everything and in turn me.

But it has been nearly 2 weeks since the break up and i still am not managing too well, some days are good, some are bad, the nights are horrible.

I went through a stage where i wanted to do was talk to her by ourselves to try and get her to talk to me properly, not just putting up a front, but now i just dont care.

I think you need to get to a stage where you just gotta let her do her thing and if it comes around that she finally wants to talk properly, it will happen, but you gotta let it happen by itself, cant push it.

With the whole drinking thing, I feel the same as her, when i have had a few beers i tend to do stupid stuff like send her a txt just askin if she is ok and hope she is smiling etc. Never get a reply and only hurting myself more by doing that.

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Thank you all for your responses. Yesterday was difficult for me and today I woke up with it on my mind again.

 

shoot. I feel for you. I would not tell you not to send the card. It's confusing as hell, caring for someone so much and then trying to let go of all threads of caring.

 

I think I might have an answer to "So why won't she say it?": FEAR. She's afraid of her own emotions. My guess, anyway.

 

I admit, I am afraid. I won't always be, and my head is a lot farther along in this healing than my heart. I am letting my heart catch up.

 

 

Journeynow - thank you for this. I feel too that emotionally I am not quite right. For the first time in my life however, I am also feeling pretty fearful, because of the damage she did to be honest. It's nigh on impossible for me not to care though, I'm just not that guy. Thanks for understanding that.

 

Yes, I think she is just scared. Maybe she wants to feel you out as far as how you are feeling towards her? Maybe her not replying to your notes/cards is that she is having a hard time letting go....?

 

 

Hi WL....yes I agree that she is most likely scared. I actually feel pretty angry though because the whole thing was a risk for me too, given distance, her past, etc etc. But I took a leap of faith in her, did as much as humanly possible and put my heart on the line. I was terrified of getting hurt too. The thing is that it was always about her and at the crunch, she just isn't willing to risk herself.

 

 

I also have to agree with everyone else. It sounds like she may have a hard time dealing with and facing up to her emotions. I can totally relate to that, having been on both sides of that fear. I used to have a really hard time expressing my emotions.

 

As far as disappearing - sometimes I wish there were an instant "Eternal Sunshine"-type mind eraser, too. Unfortunately all we have is time - and I can tell you from previous breakups that time really does help.

 

This really interests me about how some people struggle to express emotion. Is it a mental block, lack of confidence? It is frustrating...I just felt like the right guy would be able to coax her out of that and even though she told me I was good for her, special, etc, I couldn't do it.

 

Hey, I know exactly what you're going through with the whole gf feeling 'numb' thing. Except she broke it off with me, she said she felt numb to the world and stopped feeling anything then 2 months later she dumped me. Now all i want is answers cos i dont believe she doesnt love me, i believe she just feels numb to everything and in turn me.

.

 

 

I am sorry you are going through this...we were headed in this direction but I chose to end it before we got too deep, me moving over there etc. Keep your chin up.

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Dan,

 

What I found with trying to get someone who is emotionally unavaliable to express emotions is that they don't want to. They have built up some sort of brick wall which shields any outsiders from getting in. When I tried to get my ex to talk, she would just go quiet or completely ignore the subject. In a way they aren't human.

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Dan,

 

What I found with trying to get someone who is emotionally unavaliable to express emotions is that they don't want to. They have built up some sort of brick wall which shields any outsiders from getting in. When I tried to get my ex to talk, she would just go quiet or completely ignore the subject. In a way they aren't human.

 

I know Phil...it is just sad when somebody genuinely loves them for who they are and would walk on spikes for them. They are going to miss out on something very special indeed...that's the saddest thing about it.

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It is sad I know. Unfortunately, we or anyone else for that matter can rescue them. We have both tried and failed. They will either learn one day or they will carry on living the rest of their lives like that.

 

It's out of our hands now, it's up to them to make the change.

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This really interests me about how some people struggle to express emotion. Is it a mental block, lack of confidence? It is frustrating...I just felt like the right guy would be able to coax her out of that and even though she told me I was good for her, special, etc, I couldn't do it.

 

 

Dan, it's just fear and no guy can coax it out of her. You could be superman but it wouldn't matter, the fear she feels would be too overwhelming and it controls her life.

 

As someone who has lived with that sort of fear, i can tell you it becomes crippling.

 

When she gets tired of hurting herself and others, she will finally accept responsibility for her fears and seek therapy. She would know that you are a great guy and she knows that you lover her, but right now, she cannot open her heart because of fear and it's very sad.

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