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Torn - I love him but want to be single


jbevert

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I am in quite a predicament. I am a 19 year old gay male, and I have been committed to my boyfriend for the last two years. I love him a lot, however for as long as I can remember, I have also felt really uncomfortable being in this relationship. The reason being is that I am just not ready to be tied down yet. I know it's possible for some people to be committed this early, but my heart is just not in it. I need to time to explore, and just exist for me and no one else. I know it is selfish, but I feel like it's more selfish to be with my boyfriend when I am not in it 100%. He is graduating grad school next year, and I'll still have 1 year of undergrad after that, and then I plan to join the peace corp and go to grad school as well. He is in a place to begin settling down, but I just am not at that point. I want to see other people and explore new things, as well as recapture the old me that was spontaneous, cheerful, and bright. I feel that for months now I have lost my personality, and held an extreme amount of guilt over my head. I've lost friendships, hobbies, and I just feel like I lost myself. I feel like if I don't do something, I can't begin living my life for me until I graduate and I am forced to separate from distance, but I just can't wait that long to be happy. The problem is that I do love him, and I don't want to see him hurt, but I feel it is inevitable. It's not fair for me to lie to him to keep him happy, right????

 

So lost----- please help!!

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i think it would help to talk your boyfriend and everything you have said on here, you should tell him. In a relationship, it's important to always have a sense of who you are and have a life outside your partner. IF your feeling guilty, that's not a good thing. It will be a scary conversation but do what will make you happy. It seems like you have in a way decided to do this but need a push. If it helps, take a few days to yourself and gather your thoughts and make sure you're 100 percent ready to do this. your happiness matter also. And i'm here and everyone on ENA is if you want to talk more.

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You are right when you say: "not fair for me to lie to him to keep him happy", but also at the same time, it it not fair to YOU, to stay in a relationship when your heart is not in it. You have every right to to do what you need to do with your life to feel fulfilled, and if this is not working for you anymore, then you owe it to both of you to get out.

 

I understand you still feel for him, but you'll just have to come clean and explain it to him, just as you have explained it all above.

 

Do what you have to do to be happy. Life is short. Go be happy.

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Agree with these posts. First of all is there any chance the relationship could be saved by renegotating it? For example he may not realise you feel like this and give you much more space if you can agree to stay together under such conditions.

 

Secondly, even if you can't, you still need to talk it through with him and be totally honest. I'm sure if he realises you don't have a long term future, he will want to go and pursue his elsewhere anyway. That is if you have friendship and love between you.

 

Be prepared for a hurt, angry, response though and be as kind as you can when you tell him. Best of luck.

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