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How to know when we are ready to date other people?


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So, it's been over 1 year that my ex and I broke up for the first time, we got back together in october, broke-up again in january, he has a new GF and I've been a mess ever since. It's been almost 4 months of depression, anxiety, NC, broken NC... On the first month I went on a couple of dates with a guy and that was horrible since I wasn't ready. It just made me realize how he wasn't my ex, etc...

 

However, now I've met someone else and for the first time in AGES I can imagine myself dating somebody who's NOT my ex. I'm actually excited for it...

 

The problem is I'm scared that my anxiety will make me lose this person, or that my anxiety means that perhaps I'm not ready for a new relationship yet?? How do we know when we are ready?

 

Also, I've been with my ex for over 3 years and I really don't know how to date anymore. I don't know what to expect, how to deal with waiting for the person to call, if I can make a move too... I'm just SO lost.

 

Another problem is that I'm VERY scared of getting hurt. I feel like if I project all my hope in this new person, and things don't work out, I'll just go back to moping about my ex.

 

Anyone have been in this limbo situation? You really feel ready to move on and you are genuinely interested in someone else but you are so scared, confused, don't know how to act since it's been SO long that you've been properly single?

 

Arrrghh, it's SO good to be excited about someone who's not your ex, but at the same time, it's SO scary too.

 

Can anyone relate? Does this mean I'm healing?

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when you dont give a crap about what your ex is doing, who they are sleeping with, who they are dating, etc. and you are able to date someone because they are cool, and not because you 'need' to be with someone then youre well on your way to dating someone new.

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I can relate to you on a huge level. It's been about two months since my ex of about two years broke things off with me.

 

I tried "dating" about 2-3 weeks after the breakup, and it was a disaster. All I thought about was my ex. It wasn't TRULY until last week that I could actually picture myself dating again, and not wondering about my ex 24/7.

 

But I have the insecurities as you do. I'm afraid I'll get hurt again. I don't know how to do things and bring up discussions when dating, because I had grown so accustomed to the comfort of a well-known relationship. But, as my grandmother and may members on here have said, things will work out how they're supposed to in the end...just go with the flow.

 

And yes, personally, I would say it definitely is a form of healing.

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I am having the same exact problem...just reading your post made me think I had wrote it...you put it very well...exactly how I am feeling...it was easy for me at 24, but at 44 I am not sure how to do it. I don't have any hard feelings over my ex...he even came by tonight to give me a present, but in all honesty if I am with him more than 10 minutes I want to choke him..lol.

 

I was standing near a guy at work today and he was wearing this nice cologne and he got close to me reaching over and I felt my heart race...I know I am getting ready, but to start dating again I am totally clueless. I don't want to go on dating sites, much rather let it happen naturally.

 

It's hard to get guys to ask me out at work...(not referring to my co-workers, but the people who come to the blood institute to donate blood)...they see a medical person in white and not a woman or perhaps they may feel strange trying to put the moves on a person at work...not sure.

 

The guy I mentioned above is my co-worker, but married and I don't dare go there...he is very sweet though...he thought I was 30 years old...hehehe...I told him "no" I am going to be 45 in several months....he was totally floored.

 

God I miss my mother so bad...these are the times I need her...when she was my age she was dating guys 20 years younger than her with no problem...guys loved my mother...she is very dynamic. Me and her used to party alot when I was around 27 and she was about 44 (my age) and they used to think she was my sister.

 

Anyway, it's hard to date, but personally I am just going to let nature take it's course...I don't know what else to do at this moment.

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i think too many people focus on healing (ie just waiting for the pain to subside) instead of improving and making changes. If you have been sitting around waiting for time to pass then i would question whether you are ready again. If you have made some imporvements and changes and come to terms with some of your fears........know what they are, why you have them, what you can do to manage them etc, then you will be better prepared and possess more knowledge about yourself and what you want in a partner/relationship.

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I am surely not one of those people who sit around waiting for anything. I am a very busy person and have a life. I am at the point where I am ready to start dating again. I want to finish my first semester in college and take care of a few things and perhaps in the summer I will start dating. It's been over a year since my breakup and I am tired of living like a nun. At 44 I know what I want that's why it's so hard.

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^^I agree. You can be improving and making changes (I went back to school, spend time with friends, been making plans to possibly embark on a career change, drove by myself for the first time from Boston to my folks in NJ), but yet still healing.

 

I tried dating a few months ago and it was too soon. I've taken a deep breath again and feel perhaps I should try again, but I'm scared. Scared of being hurt and frankly scared of where to start! I've tried online without much success and I've never turned heads much in the real world, it seems. I've been seeing a therapist after my break-up as I was at a standstill and been working through what I really want - both in life and love.

 

OP, I can understand being scared. Just take it slow, and never pin all your hopes on one person. Just have fun. Sometimes in life - at least for me - you have to push yourself to do something in order to actually move forward and get it done. I did that with my driver's test last summer (a little late, but better late then never, right?).

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Some general tips on the whole dating situation.

 

Don't expect anything, do what feels right. If you like the person, give it a shot, it doesn't mean place all your eggs in one Easter basket and it doesn't necessarily mean it can't blossom into something much more. Just see where it goes and you can make your decision when the time comes.

 

If you are still hung up on your ex, it's okay. You've suffered a tremendous loss and that takes time to get over, but don't put your life on hold. You have to move on at your own pace and enjoy the moment.

 

It may not feel right at first, but don't give up. Don't let one bad experience hold you down for the rest of your life.

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Yeah... I agree with everyone! Thank you so much for all the advices.

 

I have learned so much from my past relationship. Although I had a very balanced and stable relationship, I ended up taking my ex for granted and dumping him after 2 and 1/2 years together because I was 21 and bored.

 

He was my first relationship and instead of looking into what went wrong, I'm trying to focus on the positive. I'm very proud of my first relationship. It was with a great guy, someone I will always love, respect and admire. It was very loving, caring, respectful... It was a perfect relationship and now I see how much I took what I had for granted.

 

Losing my ex due to the infamous "Grass is Greener Syndrome" made me value the people in my life much more. I think I can learn from all the positive aspects of my past relationship and be mature enough to learn that passion or butterflies fade and that I have to appreciate the good things in life when they are mine.

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