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I regret having sex with my boyfriend.


jess0452

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This is going to be a really long post. FYI. lol

 

All through high school, I wanted to save myself for someone special. Not necessarily the person I was going to marry, but at least a serious relationship, or someone I felt comfortable with.

 

Well, senior year, I met my current boyfriend. I didn't like him at first because he was a major pushover and would do anything just to make people like him. He also described his past relationships to make it seem like the girls totally screwed him over and i kinda felt bad for him. He was a very intelligent guy that could hold a conversation and I enjoyed talking to him, but that's all..

 

After a few months of talking, we started hanging out a lot, and had sex a month after we started hanging out. We had been somewhat sexual while we were hanging out that month and I thought it was just going to be another one of those days, but he kind of just casually slipped it in and me being a dumb, naive, virgin, didn't tell him to stop or push him off. I remember feeling so angry at him for even trying. I felt betrayed. I also felt that since I had just lost my virginity to him, I should probably actually start dating him... so when he asked me to be his girlfriend right AFTER we had sex, I said yes..

 

For the next few months, I grew pretty attached to him, and I eventually started to love him. But then, a year later, I found out that half of the things he told me at the beginning of the relationship were a lie. He made himself out to be the bad guy in all of his past "relationships", when in reality, he actually treated all of them like total crap. His one year "relationship" before me, was just a random string of booty calls in the middle of the night when he was home visiting from college. I could go on and on about how much he lied about his past and relationships, but I'll spare you the details. But basically, I'm disgusted with his past, and the way he treated woman and I would have NEVER EVER been with him if I knew all of this from the beginner. I'm ashamed of being with someone who just used girls and treated them like objects. That's NOT the kind of guy I want to end up with. He had no respect for himself or anyone else.

 

It's been a year and a half and we're still together, but I still feel deceived, like I was tricked into the relationship and I keep wondering how different things would be if I had said no and waited until we were actually in love, if that ever even happened without having sex so early...

 

I know, just break up with him... simple...

 

I love him. I love him but I hate him at the same time. I hate him for lying to me and deceiving me. I feel disgusted with myself and I hate myself for falling for his crap.

 

And I know he's changed... He's grown up and matured A LOT from being in a REAL relationship, and he loves me and wants to marry me, and he swears he hasn't lied to me since and never will again because he's comfortable enough with me now and doesn't feel like he has to lie to me to impress me or make me like him... And I know that's true, but I can't help being mad about the lies and the fact that we had sex wayyy to early...

 

Another problem that I have in this relationship is that I honestly did not expect to fall in love and marry the first guy I had sex with... I've always kind of wanted the experience of being each others firsts, but i guess I waited too long for that. and I'm kind of freaked out by the idea of only being with one person for the rest of my life, and i'm extremely jealous that my boyfriend has been with other girls in the past, even though they were basically all one night stands. I know it's stupid, but he got my first everything and he's the only guy i've done anything with, and I feel like I had to share him with other girls, because he got my everything, and i get other girls sloppy seconds.

 

Since he's my first, and we love each other, it's really emotional and comfortable. Even the first time we had sex, we were really comfortable with each other, and I can't even imagine it any other way... I can't imagine that sex with anyone else isn't this intimate and I can't imagine not being able to look each other in the eye... He said he was never fully naked, never saw any of the girls naked, didn't kiss them or look them in the eye, and immediately got up and left after having sex, and didn't lie in bed and cuddle and talk like we do now. It just sounds so cold, and hard to believe. He says it's 100 times better when you're in love, and I wish I could say the same thing, but I don't know what it feels like when you're not in love.

 

Ahh, I know we probably need professional relationship counseling, but I'm a broke college student and can't afford it! Despite all of my insane problems with this relationship, I really want to make this work. Any ideas?

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I love him. I love him ..................

 

And I know he's changed... He's grown up and matured A LOT from being in a REAL relationship, and he loves me and wants to marry me,

This is what you should be concentrating on. He can't change the past but he can change himself. And apparently has.
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hi jess, welcome to ENA. first off, does your college offer free counseling? i think most places do offer free counseling for their students, look into that and take advantage of it.

 

i don't know if i would start making wedding plans with this guy just yet. you seem pretty unsure about him and that's not good.

 

don't regret the past too much, what happened happened. you can't change the past, but you can do something about the future.

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If he has already indeed changed and is now a new person that loves you and wants to marry you then focus on that. He is there for you.

 

However if you still feel uneasy then you can still talk about this to a counselor at your school.

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but he kind of just casually slipped it in

 

what??

 

He said he was never fully naked, never saw any of the girls naked, didn't kiss them or look them in the eye

 

There is a zero percent chance that is true.

 

but I don't know what it feels like when you're not in love.

 

Yes you do. The first time you did it. You'd been "hanging out for a month." You weren't in love, trust me.

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well, if you can learn to let go of his past an concentrate on the person that he is NOW, then I think that maybe this could work out for you. Sometimes it is the first person we meet that is the one we choose to be with. Having sex too early isn't something to regret, it's not like lost your virginity in the back of a car when you were 14, you had sex with a guy who immediately asked you to be his girlfriend, and has been committed to you ever since.

 

I also can understand why he hid his past from you. If he felt that maybe he could do it differently this time, that things could change for him, that maybe you didn't need to know about his past, because that would push you away and he'd lose you. It's not right, but it is understandable.

 

Don't get caught up in the past. Focus on his actions and the person he is now. Either you'll get over his past, or you won't.

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This quote has helped me so much in the last few months:

 

" Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even know you can't breathe without them."

 

You need to decide if his past is enough of a catalyst to make you want to end the relationship. Remember, you cannot change the past. So if it is something you will not be able to get over then it would probably be better to end it, otherwise you will have a constant resentment towards him and the idea that he "tricked" you into a relationship.

 

Its not gonna be easy but you need to decide what's best for you. Are you regret later on that you expirenced love with someone else? In my opinion, and I'm sure many will disagree b/c they've expirenced love with their firsts, you have to have more than one "love" in order to find out what love is truly all about. If you are only with one person for your entire life, you have nothing to compare it to. Whereas if you've dated several people you'll be able to say "ok so that's what real love is supposed to feel like".

 

I'm kinda in the same boat as the OP, my ex was my first everything (not sex though, we never got that far lol) and I would like to think that I was in love with him (at the time I know I thought I was) but now I can't help but think later on down the road I'm gonna meet someone who completely blows my ex out of the water and shows me what real love is like and makes me realize I was nowhere even close to being in love.

 

Just remember, do what's gonna make you happy! If that means being with him, then great! But if not, do NOT feel like you have to stay with him just because he's your first!

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