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Not in Love -should I stay?


12 Signs He's a Player - Beginn...
12 Signs He's a Player - Beginners Guide

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I have been going out with a great guy for 4 months. On paper we are so suited - we're both very outdoorsy and go on hikes together, we go to dinner and choose the same things and read similar books. However, we're not in love and I don't feel he really knows me as much as he should after 4 months.

 

Issue 1 = communication and closeness

He doesn't know about my previous relationships and hasn't asked. He doesn't know my friends though I have met all of his, as well as some of his family (my friends are back in my home country, but I have pictures and stories about them which he doesn't ask about). He says he's a talker and listener, but just asks me to tell him things. I'm not comfortable opening up so tell him he needs to ask specific questions, but he doesn't know what to ask. We've discussed how after 4 months we should be closer and it's the lack of deep meaningful conversations about ourselves that are creating the distance...it just seems we don't know how to bridge it.

 

Issue 2 = lack of sex

He was a virgin before we went out (I wasn't) and it was him who took us to that level about 2 months ago. However, we only have sex once a week. I have a high sex drive (no, I haven't told him as I don't want to appear a * * * * - I'm not as the 2 guys I've had sex with before were my long-term boyfriends and we were very compatible and had high libidos like myself). I am left frustrated by him though he tries hard to pleasure me when we do do it.

 

Issue 3 = no compliments

I was never a girl who needed compliments as im fiercely independent, but my boyfriend never compliments me. I don't need compliments, but it would show he's attracted to me as a girlfriend and not just as a friend. Though we hang out alot in gym clothes because of all the activity we do, even when we have "date night" and I dress up, he doesn't say anything. The only thing he ever compliments is that I smell good (don't get me wrong, he doesn't put me down...he just doesn't comment on things like that at all).

 

Issue 4 = reasons for being together

So, with these issues, why are we still together? We're both good people, good looking, fun to be around and both kind of know this will never be movie star love.....I think because he hasn't been with someone in a long time, he likes the idea of me as a girlfriend because we're so suited and he likes me...even though he knows it's not passionate.

From my end, I fancied him from the minute I saw him and I'm hoping our feelings will change. I'm not afraid that im missing meeting my soulmate because I'm with my boyfriend so don't feel the need to "get out" of this relationship and am hoping time will bring us the closeness we need. I will include another reason -I like his friends and that I can do all these activities with him and them

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Sounds to me like there's no spark in this relationship. You may have a few things in common but I get the strong impression that there's no real chemistry, and without that chemistry, I doubt it will go anywhere.

 

If I was in your shoes, I'd cut my losses and move on.

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i'll be brutally honest with you.

 

sounds like both of you are terrified of commitment and this is blocking your ability to open up to each other. Love doesn't just happen.......that is all Hollywood BS. Love is a choice, not a feeling. when you understand that, you will understand how to unlock your heart.

 

Real love will only happen if you both open up to each other and risk your heart. It sounds like both of you are too cautious and too scared to do that and the fear is blocking both of you from letting go and making that deeper connection.

 

Open up to each other about what your fears are and then show compassion for each other and talk openly and honestly. Express your needs and wants in a non threatening way and ask him to do the same. when you start opening up to each other, i am sure the love will flow

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Thanks for the replies so far...though I'm even more confused as they're both contradictory..which is expected as they're both what I've been thinking so far: give up and move on, or give it my all and see how it goes....I'll wait to see if there are more replies before making a decision. Thanks so far!

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I have been in your shoes more than once -- with that feeling that you "should" feel deeply for someone because they check all the boxes on paper, because they have qualities you think you want in a mate, because you're compatible, because you get along, because you have common interests, because you like the same music and both like red M&M's more than green ones and blah blah blah. I have stayed in relationships long after they've gone stale, hoping passion will mysteriously appear -- feeling obligated to keep trying just because the other person seems like a great catch for me.

 

This is what I have learned. You know in your heart if there is a spark. I don't buy the idea that a "connection" is something you must struggle to work for. Because let me tell you, one day you're going to meet someone who is totally on your wavelength, and there will be this amazing CLICK! moment where you feel completely understood -- like you've just met your own reflection. And when that happens, it completely eclipses all the mediocre, struggling-to-feel-close relationships you've had before. I say this from experience; it's not just something extracted from Hollywood.

 

I'm sure there are exceptions where two people grow to love each other over time. But if you have been with this guy for 4 months and you still feel that barrier preventing emotional closeness, and you've already got a list of things you're unhappy about -- honestly, it's possible that the spark just isn't there, period. If you're not fulfilled now, in what should be the most exciting/"honeymoon" stage of a relationship, what's it going to be like years down the road when even MORE of the passion has simmered down? It sounds to me like you enjoy this guy's company as a friend, and you like the "benefits" he comes with (ie, his friends with similar interests you can do activities with). But my goodness, don't stay in a relationship just because your brain says you should when your heart says otherwise. Again, I have been there -- never had the experience of a spark arising later when there wasn't one to begin with. In each case for me, after breaking up, I met someone even better who made me realize what components were missing with the last person. I'll bet the same will happen with you. Good luck!

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Totally agree with this poster above! If you feel these things you have posted here, why not voice them to him. He asks you to talk to him about things, whatever you like, but you don't, you then ask him to ASK you specific things but then they are not the right things. He is not a mind-reader. I totally get you though, as us women expect men to know what to say and do dont we, but why not just come out with it. Say to him "well I'd like to tell you about my friends, are you interested in that? I think you should be". He may well turn around and say "hell yeah, tell me about them!"

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As regards the compliment thing, well I would start fishing for them a little and then if and when he does, tell him you like being complimented on. He may then compliment you loads. This guy doesnt know what to do does he, you need to guide him. OR it could be that you need to be with someone more mature and experienced maybe? He doesnt sound like the most confident guy.

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give up and move on, or give it my all and see how it goes....!

 

isn't that your answer right there? if you haven't been giving your all, then how do you expect love to just hit you on the head?

 

Unless people are prepared to open their heart, they should not expect to give or receive it. and it sounds like both of you are too scared to break your hearts open

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  • 3 weeks later...

Whenever I've been in relationships where I didn't know whether to leave or stay, I've given it my all - for about six weeks. If it still feels like hard work, or that I'm doing all the work, then it's time to move on. Sometimes that hasn't been necessary; sometimes it was clear that it was.

 

Really making an effort gives the relationship a chance to work; otherwise, if it's still awful, despite my best efforts, it's much easier to make the break knowing that I've done my best and that there really was no hope!

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  • 3 weeks later...

So, after another month of letting it go, we had a talk last week and I told him everything. We took another week to think about it (during which time he invited me to go to a family celebration with him, I surprised him by picking him up at the airport and he brought me out to dinner last night). He came back to my place after dinner so we could talk more.

We talked a long time and the 3 choices I suggested were; we take what the other person said and make a hard effort to see if we can change, or we break up now, or we keep seeing how it goes, which we know doesn't work.

But he didn't say anything to that and instead we kept talking. I thought it was going well, and he was moving closer and resting his leg on mine, so I lay my arm on his chest as we talked, at which point he was like; "yeah, this is awkward. I don't think we're going to work".

I was surprised - I thought the talking was supposed to help. Now, I'd actually opened myself up, and was still getting dumped. So, though I'd been expecting it for the past 2 months, I was still upset when he got up and started dressing to leave. I was right, he hadn't fancied me at all and so he wasn't interested or bothered to make an effort. He said he had an idealised version of relationships and this was not it (well, no sh*t when you're with someone you don't fancy).

So, he left.

And the second thing I thought (after - dam, he was cute), was; can I still hang out with his friends?

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Hi,

 

So sorry it worked out like that. It was a good thing you did talk to him so that you knew where he stood. Sorry for the way he did it, but I am glad that you are done with him and you can move on to someone with whom you have more of a connection.

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