Hello; long post!

[Funereal]

Hey I'm new to this forum and this is my first post. Sorry about posting this in the other thread, I guess some forums work differently.

 

But I just really need to vent. I don't have anywhere else to turn to, and I feel like my issues have taken their toll. I'm a 22 year old male and yes, a cutter in every sense of the term. My body is covered; legs, arms, back, neck and even all over my right hand. I have to wear long sleeves constantly, everywhere I go, even to work. It's so hot right now in south Texas, so it's not only my depression and shame that bothers me, but the heat in general. It's hell wearing long sleeves at this time of year. I also notice that a lot of females on here are cutters (not that there aren't any males, but I often find it a rarety), but as a male I feel so pathetic. I keep questioning why I do this. None of my friends or coworkers do anything near what I do, especially when SI involved.

 

For further facts, I am a heavy drinker, smoker and have suffered from depression since my early teens. There were even some traces of it during child hood. To this day, I still cut, and even though all of my bad habbits are contributing to my misery, I still continue to do them, just to cope with the way that I feel. I have very little self esteem, and even when typing out my problems like this, I feel far more pathetic than before. But I need to let it out, I have no where else to turn to. I feel like a useless freak and to be honest...I don't really care for living anymore...I'm scared that I'm going to take things just a little too far.

 

I've stopped therapy, I didn't like it, and even my meds aren't working the way they should, even if they do help somewhat. It feels like the only thing keeping my alive is the family that cares too much about me. Hospital stays never worked, and one time, I was even treated like crap by the ambulance drivers and doctors that treated me for my self injury.

 

It feels good to let things out, as I feel too ashamed to directly talk about these things in real life. One of my biggest concerns is finding someone who will accept me as I am, since these scars aren't going anywhere.

 

Any advice is welcomed. Thanks.

[NightLily]

When did you start doing this?

 

I think the reason we sometimes fall into these unhealthy habits is somewhat similar to how people become addicted to smoking. The first few times you do it, you have independent reasons that you can control to a certain extent. But as time goes on, those neural pathways that you have been enforcing through habit become stronger. Hence, in the future, when you are in the environment that has triggered such behavior your first reaction is to follow through with whatever behavior that has been enforced.

 

The reason I'm going on about this I guess.. sometimes if we think about things as a physical process (in the mind it is energetically favorable for this pathway to be followed) then it feels less like a demon out of our control.

 

If you can identify whatever the triggers are you could try to avoid them as much as possible as you work on finding some other behavior to rely on. But, that is easier said than done as I am guessing you have been doing this for quite some time.

 

Also, it sounds to me like you are major league self medicating. How many different meds have you tried? I read somewhere that borderline people aren't too responsive to any medication in particular but every other diagnoses I have ever heard of has a whole list of meds to try out. SSRIs gave me hell where as for some people they are great. You should look into getting to a psychiatrist to try something different.

 

Another thing though.. If you are having trouble with cutting, throw out everything you cut yourself with. All sharp objects. Eat food that you don't need knifes for, and get rid of any mirrors that you could shatter. Only shave with an electric razor. Sounds a little extreme but if that is what it takes why not.

[Funereal]

I actually haven't really been cutting for that long...a few years maybe. Actually, I recall being 20 the first time I ever cut myself up. So yeah, it's a little strange that I never did any such thing when I was a teen, but I do them now. But, I have tried so many medications. Some that have worked in the past (when I was a teenager), like Welbutrin, don't work now. My guess is that it's because of my alcohol intake, which is why that I am going to be seeing an addiction counsler pretty soon. It's probably something that I should have done a long time ago. It's the one addiction aside from cutting that I really want to eliminate. I have however, been drinking longer than I have been cutting. So it's going to be tough, but I have to be tough too. The alcohol is really takeing its toll on me physically and financially, as well as mentally, so I'm going to take care of that first.

 

I can't say that I cut as much now as I did a few months to a year ago. But it's still something that I need to learn to control. As for your suggestion for getting rid of all sharp objects...that's not something that I want to resort to. That would mean that cutting is still influencing my life. I would have to live in inconveniance, because of my problem. I don't want to do that. Just like...I don't want to have to avoid places like concerts and family get-togethers where there is alcohol served. I want to be able to say "no" when offered.

 

But I guess I have a lot to work on. For now, I want to just focus on being safe. Thanks for your advice though. Like I said before, it feels good to let all of this out. The main reasons why I cut are because 1) I feel numb and lifeless, and I need to "wake up 2) I feel overwhelemed by my sadness and negative thoughts, and need to feel some physical pain and bleed 3) I feel like I am a pathetic loser of a person and deserve to be punished. That's when I really do a lot of damage to myself.

 

Other times I just want nothing else but to bleed out. It's a weird urge that I cannot really explain. But if anyone can relate, let me know.

[Capricorn3]

One of my biggest concerns is finding someone who will accept me as I am,.

I'm not sure if I understand this correctly. Are you saying you DON'T want to find someone who will accept you? Do you prefer that people reject you and don't accept the way you are?

[NightLily]

I can relate but I'm not a cutter. That is just a line I'm afraid of crossing because I have so many issues as it is. I have clawed myself to oblivion, slapped myself to the point of severe bruising, and beat myself with other things though... amongst other stuff...

 

I just get all of this pent up.. energy and get so frustrated with myself. That is another reason I could never be a cutter. I would just hack at myself and not see another day. Oo

 

I guess the reason I thought of the sharp objects is because I have overdosed on sleeping pills.. a few times. So when I got them prescribed to me, I gave them to somebody else to keep and only have one or two available to me.

[Funereal]

I'm not sure if I understand this correctly. Are you saying you DON'T want to find someone who will accept you? Do you prefer that people reject you and don't accept the way you are?

 

No...what are you talking about? Don't twist things around, I have enough on my mind.

[Capricorn3]

No...what are you talking about? Don't twist things around, I have enough on my mind.

I wasn't twisting anything around. I asked a simple question because I wasn't sure that I understood you correctly. If I don't understand something, I ask.

[Funereal]

I can relate but I'm not a cutter. That is just a line I'm afraid of crossing because I have so many issues as it is. I have clawed myself to oblivion, slapped myself to the point of severe bruising, and beat myself with other things though... amongst other stuff...

 

I just get all of this pent up.. energy and get so frustrated with myself. That is another reason I could never be a cutter. I would just hack at myself and not see another day. Oo

 

I guess the reason I thought of the sharp objects is because I have overdosed on sleeping pills.. a few times. So when I got them prescribed to me, I gave them to somebody else to keep and only have one or two available to me.

 

 

Yeah sometimes I just wish that I had never laid that razor upon my skin. If I hadn't, I wouldn't be in the state of mind that I am in right now. I took it too far, far too often.

[Funereal]

I wasn't twisting anything around. I asked a simple question because I wasn't sure that I understood you correctly. If I don't understand something, I ask.

 

 

No offense, but how could you not know what I meant? I stated it perfectly clear. It sounds like you were just * * * * ing with me, and I don't appreciate that.

[Capricorn3]

No offense, but how could you not know what I meant? I stated it perfectly clear. It sounds like you were just * * * * ing with me, and I don't appreciate that.

I certainly wasn't doing anything of the kind. I said I didn't understand something, so why climb down someone's throat for that? No need to be so rude. I don't appreciate it either.

[Funereal]

I certainly wasn't doing anything of the kind. I said I didn't understand something, so why climb down someone's throat for that? No need to be so rude. I don't appreciate it either.

 

Okay, then I applogize, I read you wrong. Actually, I really don't care if most people reject me. It's about finding a partner, someone who wouldn't get freaked out or look down on me for having all of these self inflicted scars. That's what I was trying to say.

[girl friend]

guys guys, lets stay calm.

 

There are plenty of other male cutters, it was a male who wrote the famous quote that starts off Marlee Strong's book here that starts 'its that feeling again' ( ) but sure it can feel like the females outnumber them. as for finding love and acceptance, i know plenty who have, so don't lose hope.

 

Welcome to enotalone btw

[Funereal]

I know that she's out there, so I will just be patient. And thanks for the welcome.