Jump to content

Need advice... Any ideas?


paradise904

Recommended Posts

I have been with "Frank" for five years. Married for two. He's always had an anger issue... Yelling or screaming, road rage etc... He did get physical with me. Pushing, shoving and on one occasion hit me in the face. He did not remember this as we'd been out with friends that night and drank quite a bit. I finally got fed up and left about six months ago. I've had many conversations with him and have hung out quite a bit since. He seems to have embraced his "new life" of living happy. Being healthier... no longer angry. I am truly happy for him and HAVE seen many changes. He's asked for a second chance. I do not know what to do. Can people truly change? I'm so proud of him... yet I don't want to chance anything. I also don't want to wake up in ten years and realize that I made a mistake not taking the chance at happiness with him. I hope someone has been through something similar and can give some ideas

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes they can, but they usually need to get anger management counseling and some therapy to stop abuse. And many never stop, just go thru periods of behaving and periods of abuse in a nevereending cycle.

 

Also, do you know about the 'cycle of abuse'? (google it). There is a very clear pattern with abusers where there is a tension building phase, then it break out into violence, then there is regret and apologizing, then lots of re-romancing. Then once you're back again, the tension starts to build again, until the cycle starts over.

 

So you are in the honeymoon phase of re-romancing now, and that doesn't mean it is permanent.

 

I would suggest that you insist you and he get marriage counseling before getting back together, and that he take a course in anger management and attend some counseling for abusers. If he's not willing to do that, then he's not serious about changing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He's begging for me to go to marriage counselling with him to make it work. He did go to counselling before we got married a few times. I told him we could not get married unless he got control over himself. But he stopped soon after.

 

I've been going on my own since I left. I'm just so scared of making the wrong choice. I'm aware of the cycle. And found out that his dad did the same thing to his mom when he was younger. I just feel like I don't know what my heart is telling me. I know it'd worry my friends and family so much. I feel like a failure if I do give it a shot and a failure if I don't.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't know I would get disgusted the very first time they lay a hand on me. I wouldn't even wanna touch him if I was you. Then if you were to get back with him wouldn't you be wondering about what if it happens again. Since he already physically abused you before it already that he is capable of doing that again. In my opinion let him move on with his happier life but don't get back with him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you are not sure, there is no harm in going to marriage counseling, but do it before you actually move in together, with the goal of deciding whether you should get back together or break up.

 

The counselor can probably help you decide whether he is sincere or not.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He has hit and pushed you before. For me, that would be the end. Be careful. I think if he hits you once, chances are too great he'll hit you again.

 

you have only been broken up for 6 months, during which you hung out a lot. I don't believe there has been any room for change... I think you are in an illusion. I think there has not been a real split, of him even realizing what he has "lost". Now he is nice cause he wants you back for good. He needs real help for his rage / violence.

 

anyway that is how I see it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How to leave an abusive relationshi...
How to leave an abusive relationship and why it's so hard

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...