Jump to content

Giving Yourself Away


Recommended Posts

Tonight was grief-filled for me in many ways.

 

My best girlfriend invited me to dinner at her place along with our other friend. We cooked together then went and saw a chick flick...except it wasn't quite the same because my best friend's husband came with us.

They were joined at the hip...holding hands...snuggling in the theater. It made me sick with jealousy. I didn't want to feel so petty but it seemed so unfair.

 

L and I were happy in love for 7 years. We held hands wherever we went and were the so-called perfect couple, best of friends.

 

The movie was funny but, of course, there was that glaring message that if you really love someone, you will forget everything else and be together. It broke my heart all over again. When L broke up, he claimed he still loved me. I know it's just a movie, but if he REALLY loved me, why did he break up our partnership? OUR FAMILY? Our FRIENDSHIP? He broke up more than just our coupledom...he had a COMMITMENT to me, to us, OUR FUTURE! He made me promises, then he got out when things weren't going his way.

 

It all seems so unfair. I see so many "BAD" couples...but they're still together! Why do selfish, unloving people get companionship when someone who is deeply in love is without? This is what really hurts. I deeply love L...and everyone knew he loved me too...and everyone is so shocked how he could just end it like that. Everyone knew how much he loved me and how much I supposedly meant to him...yet I guess it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. His career comes first. Finding "himself" whatever that means is more important than staying with me. How could he do that to me?

 

I feel so broken now. I trusted him with all my heart, like a naive little child. I didn't believe in sex until marriage but 5.5 years into our relationship, I made love with him for the first time because I "knew" we were going to get married (as he proposed!). I "knew" it was right and he was the One. I think he really believed that...but changed his mind.

 

How do I trust someone with the deepest, darkest parts of me again? Why, when he saw me at my ugliest, didn't he love me anyway? I still loved him even though he wasn't perfect. He did love me when I was barfing in the hospital and when I was homesick from working at camp for 2 weeks. I cried on his shoulder many times. He knew things even my mom doesn't know about me. There is no one on this earth that knows some of the secrets we share.

 

How do you EVER find that again? I feel halfway frozen and halfway heart-sick. I almost feel like I never want to get married at all anymore. He dashed m y hopes. I don't want to marry just anyone, only him. But since I can't, I want no one at all. I don't want to meet anyone new and have to spend years getting to know them all over again. It took too much effort, too much of me. I gave him my all because I loved him and apparently he thought he gave me himself too...which is why he went away! He didn't want that kind of relationship, mutual dependence.

 

I know co-dependence is unhealthy but it went beyond that with us. Yes, there were some co-dependencies but I grive for the love that was there in the midst of the unhealthiness we developed. I grieve for my innocence---giving my body to him----I will never have another "first." My love with L was pure, sincere. I just can't ever do that again. We shared such vulnerability at impasses in our lives.

 

I know I'm not the only person in the world and my circumstances are not better or special. But I love very deeply. I trusted this guy. I still love him too. But it's not the same. My innocence is gone, my trust is impaired. Even if I try to trust someone again, I don't know if I'll ever feel the same way. Maybe I just have to settle...or learn to be single.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hugs bigtime!

 

Put aside the thoughts of never trusting again and all that...of course you feel that way as everything is still so fresh and raw....like having a hard time thinking you'll ever play soccer again with a near amputated leg: tis

unbelievable.

Don't even go there as that's too emotionally difficult...and for that matter try as best you can not to think of the future too much for this same reason: its too overwhelming & you're so fragile sweetheart....

 

Just try to go day to day keeping busy distracting yourself letting the grief out (and anger when it comes down the road) but trying to not stay too immersed in it (hence the distractions).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

WomanWriter,

 

I want to wrap you in the biggest hug possible! ((((Hugs))))) I have tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat.

 

It IS unfair, or feels that way now, in the midst of the pain. I hate it when people shrug and say Love doesn't last, People change, It's unrealistic to expect people to love forever.

 

Someday you will heal, and I will too, and we will feel joy and love and a new kind of innocence. He was my first love and we were together 30 years. That sounds like a huge number, and maybe that is what scared him away, it is scary to think you could do anything for 30 years. Like you, I wonder about trusting any one again, I wonder why would I want to. But I am not healed yet, so need to trust myself for now, and that is hard enough. I suspect there will never be another experience like the first love. I know I will love again, I just have to, in some way, or else, what's the point? But sad to say, I don't expect it will be with the intensity and surety that I did with ________. You will love again, too. Hang in there, WomanWriter. And rant and rave all you need too.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wish I could you the biggest hug possible. I know exactly how you're feeling. I'm going through the same thing. My ex was my first as well and like you I was intent on waiting until marriage. However, due to circumstances outside of my control, I lost my virginity to him. I tried to console myself after it happened by telling myself that we were going to make it. We had talked about marriage and kids and making a life together. I thought that everything would be ok, because we were going to get married and it would all be the same in the end. Then, he told me that he didn't see a future with me anymore and now I'm stuck here picking up all the pieces.

 

I don't know where to go from here. Like you, I've lost all trust and hope. I'm scared of dating other people, because I'm afraid the whole sex thing will come up and I'm not sure how to handle it. I don't want to have sex with everyone I meet, but now that I'm no longer a virgin, it's hard to say "I'm waiting until marriage". I know that telling you everything will be ok won't do a thing to make you feel better, but I can assure you things will get better. Even though I do also know that this will leave a scar. I know you feel like your world is crashing down around you and there's nothing you can do. The only thing you can do now is remember to breath. Take it one day at a time.

 

I know it hurts like mad. It feels like someone's ripped a part of my gut out of me, but what keeps me going is the hope that one day that feeling will go away and I will be happy again. I'm sure it will happen for me and it will happen for you too. Be strong. Have the strength and courage to continue on and remember, you're never alone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My ex told me from the start she was saving herself for her husband, because she only wanted to share that with one man. I respected her decision.

 

A couple months later she looked in my eyes and said she knew I was the man she wanted to be with forever, so she gave herself to me. That was the most precious gift I've ever received, and of course I wouldn't have taken it if I didn't see a future with her.

 

Another couple months later she leaves me. She says I did nothing wrong, she just wasn't sure how she felt anymore. Now she's hooking up with other guys.

 

So mine is the reverse situation, but it still hurts like hell.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you all for your responses...I also want to hug all of you and I pray you will all find that deep kind of love again!

 

Canali, your words are really encouraging and your amputated leg--soccer analogy is spot on!

 

Journeynow, I really feel for you...30 years together can't be re-done. I can imagine it's like the death of your lifetime spouse--you know what you had can never be had again, but you can hope to find companionship regardless of your loss.

 

Kate & Ebony & Journey, maybe we need to accept the loss for what it was---a profound loss. I don't think we can expect to find that kind of love again...but maybe we can still find love (I hope). It won't be the same, though.

 

But like you guys, I can't come to terms with having sex with more than one person. it affects my whole belief structure. It's not just a matter of sin (I know I'm forgiven)..it just means that I will not be sharing such an intimate part of myself with only ONE person, the way I wanted to. I also worry about my ex---I was his only partner as well. The thought of him sharing that with someone else hurts me terribly. I really do believe he had good intentions---as we made love many times together and he always told me how happy he was and how one day we'd be making our own child, etc. He was sincere then...and it kills me that his feelings must have changed. He says they didn't, but I'm not naive enough anymore to believe that. He once loved me. He now probably still cares but has decided not to actively love me anymore.

 

GoldFox, I'm glad you shared the male perspective. I'm sure it doesn't hurt any less. You trusted her and she changed her mind.

 

I guess this lesson in our lives helped grow us up! Humans will change their minds and there's nothing we can do about it. We can't trust in "forever" when it comes to earthly things. We believed but now know we just have to live in the moment.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

But like you guys, I can't come to terms with having sex with more than one person. it affects my whole belief structure. It's not just a matter of sin (I know I'm forgiven)..it just means that I will not be sharing such an intimate part of myself with only ONE person, the way I wanted to. (

 

This is also my current problem and it is exactly that issue that is preventing me from healing. I can't get over the fact that I've lost my one chance to only share myself with one man in my lifetime. It was never a religious thing. It was a romantic belief. I just wanted to share the most treasured part of me with one man . . . and now sadly, that will never happen. I just don't know how to deal with it and move on. I cry everytime I think about this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Ebony,

 

Big hug for you!!!!!!

 

I don't think it's wrong to want to just be with one person. That's the part I can't reconcile. I feel like my feelings are justified but there is no way around them. Either I have sex with more than one person and betray myself (and my beliefs) or I don't have sex with anyone ever again and be lonely. What's the solution? My only hope is that my ex will return without having had sex with anyone else. I pray because I KNOW God's will is to only have one sex partner, so how can he refuse THAT request, you know? (BTW, I'm not judging anyone who HAS had sex at all...it's just my belief for a relationship).

 

I can't give myself to someone else when I've already given myself to L. That would just cheapen or invalidate what we shared, it seems. I can't reconcile it. People can rationalize and say that it's OK because it wasn't my fault and sex is not all that, but that is not my belief. I do believe that sexual intmacy should be exclusive and only with one person. So someone telling me something else won't change that. It's like a moral...or even personal... dilemma I can't resolve.

 

Like you, it goes deeper than religion...it's a personal thing. I also worry I won't find someone with the same beliefs. I know some guys wait for religious reasons or out of fear, but I wonder if any wait just so they can share themselves with only one person. My ex was willing to wait for me but once I finally agreed it was time, he was all for it. I think most guys want to respect what a woman wants but when given the green light, they won't hold back. And it was different when I first got with L...he was only 18 when we first met. It'll be kind of weird to meet a sexually inexperienced guy in his late 20s without wondering if something is wrong. I almost just wish I'd met someone else so that I wouldn't have wasted myself, so to speak.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

WomanWriter,

 

It's as if you took the words right out of my mouth. I am sorry that you are hurting too.

 

I was with my ex for 8 years - he too was my first, and similar to you I thought he was "THE ONE" and wanted to give myself to him. He knew everything about me, things that neither my closest friends nor family know.

 

It was a bad relationship, I know that but I still miss him and love him. So empty inside.

 

Just want you to know that you are not alone...although I know that doesn't necessarily make you feel any better.... =(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't think it's wrong to want to just be with one person. That's the part I can't reconcile. I feel like my feelings are justified but there is no way around them. Either I have sex with more than one person and betray myself (and my beliefs) or I don't have sex with anyone ever again and be lonely. What's the solution?

 

Woman Writer, I really feel for you. I felt much this way when my ex left. I too only wanted to be married because I wanted to be married to him (although I had sex with him because of my overwhelming libido, not because of his promises to marry me.)

 

I am a Christian, and while I do not suscribe to the sex with one person idea currently, at one point I did. But I respect and value the fact that you still do.

 

Here's what I see in your post: you are a deeply intuitive and sensitive and thoughful person and you are punishing yourself very much by worrying about how you will ever have sex again or have babies or marriage or the future you wanted.

 

Don't worry about the future. Don't try to find solutions; trust that the solution will find you when it is time. Trust yourself and your intuition. When the time comes, when you are ready and you meet someone else, you will know whether or not it is okay-- emotionally, morally, spiritually, physically -- for you to have sex with him. If, when the time comes, it isn't okay with you, well you have to trust that it will be okay with him too. The only reason for any two people to ever want to have sex with someone else is because they both want to, and if somebody tries to pressure you into it ever, through promises of love and commitment or through begging, then that guy is a giant creep and not the right guy for you.

 

You are good enough and special enough that SOMEONE worthy will love you no matter what your beliefs about sex and marriage are. Not all guys are giant creeps, and there are other people in the world out there like you.

 

Writers are intensely creative people and you know that there is more than one ending to any story, and it doesn't have to be the one you expect.

 

You may see yourself as untouchable but that doesn't mean that everyone else will. Most people are kinder to us than we are to ourselves.

 

I'm on a book recommendation kick and I think it might help you to read Girls of Riyadh by Rajaa Alsaneh. It's a novel about the complications between what we want romantically, physically, and spiritually from relationships. I think it might make you feel better.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm scared of dating other people, because I'm afraid the whole sex thing will come up and I'm not sure how to handle it. I don't want to have sex with everyone I meet, but now that I'm no longer a virgin, it's hard to say "I'm waiting until marriage".

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this choice, and most decent people who do not make this choice will still respect it. Sex is about you and your body, and people who don't wait till marriage are generally pro choice. This means that they respect your right to do what you want with your body-- including to not have sex.

 

So honestly, although I understand why it's hard in our rather promiscuous society to say that you don't make the choice that the majority of people are making, I think you have less to be afraid of than you realize. There may be people out there who have not made this choice, but are willing to make it for you, because they believe you are worth it.

 

In fact, I think that making this sort of "waiting" statement is a pretty good litmus test for weeding out the creeps and the people that aren't right for you. As a person who has absolutely no intention of waiting till marriage, I'm a little jealous.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...