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Scared to get hurt again?


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Hi all..

 

So it's been a year and a couple months since my breakup (I posted here on and off throughout the year). It was a long year, it took me a really long time to move forward. On that same note, I just want to say that I've come a long ways. I've been able to step back finally and look at the big picture, absorb what has happened and start that journey down whatever road is next for me in life.

 

So my question is this, and I have noticed this a lot especially over the past few months... how do you know when your heart is going to be ready for whatever's next? I've noticed this pattern about myself lately when it comes to dating or meeting new guys now, and it is that I really just don't put myself out there- don't put my heart out there, don't get my hopes up, don't pursue, don't get attached.. it almost seems like I purposely keep myself at a distance... like getting hurt was so painful to go through I'm scared to do it again. That's life I know, but I am just wondering how long it takes and how you know when you're there again, or if it's just one of those thresholds you don't realize you've crossed until you get to the other side?

 

I'm also realizing lately I'm just a bit lonely... and now I'm afraid of this whole fear thing keeping me here. Anybody else experience the same things? What helps us move forward? Any advice is appreciated

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my post is kind've long, so bear with me, hehe...

 

But hey there, I'm in your position somewhat myself. I got through a breakup with a borderline Personality, and if you know anything about that, it's one of the hardest things to get over, due to the elimination of any trust between the opposite sex and myself.

 

You're afraid, like I am. you're afraid of potentially having a repeat of trauma, and to be honest, you could have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'm not a psychotherapist, so I don't know for sure, but I DO understand your pain. I do believe I have PSTD myself, due to my last relationship. People assue

 

I suggest you attend psychiatric therapy. almost no one ever takes that advice, but it's amazingly beneficial.

 

Alot of your problems might even have to do with core trauma, where you were abandoned by a parent, abused, neglected (emotionally or physically, etc, but again, I don't know you, so I'm speculating the usual suspects)

 

 

However, should you not attend psychotherapy (which really is useful for things like this), then you need to start learning to trust males again, albeit slowly.

learn to confide and make a male friend, and DON'T start a sexual relationship with him (if possible, lol). or find a gay man to befriend.

Bottom line is, you need to start viewing males as trust worthy, and the best way to do that is to befriend one, and keep romantic/sexual emotions away from that friend (or else, fears and anxieties will return, if you have expectations of a sexual/romantic relationship, and you can't learn to love again, until you learn to trust, right?)

 

Once you learn again that not every male is there to break your trust (as I said, you can do this by making a male friend--it'll also combat the loneliness!), and see that they can be trusted, you'll have a more positive view of males, and thus, WILL be in love again.

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Hi there--

 

i understand exaclty what you are saying. Like you its been a little over a year now and it has been quite a journey - it feels like an eternity. I cant remember how it feels like to be truly happy and fulfilled in general. I dont know when or how we will know we are "ready" again, i think that it will just happen when the time is right for us. I too am scared of getting attached and feeling hurt again, but lets face it - it will happen again in life. Its more about how much it hurts the next time(how much we loved the new person). But i do believe that we will be stronger and smarter for what life brings us. This one of the hardest things ive undergone in my life so far. Its defintitly a dark and scary place, but there has to be and WILL be a light eventually. In time, the right guy will come into your life to bring you happiness again and everything will fall into place without any effort or thought to it, it will just "happen". Hang in there, stay strong and positive and hold on to that little bit of hope on the bad days. This is a phase and there is a better chapter waiting for you. {{hugs}}

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i don't think anyone becomes scared simply because of a break-up.

 

Fear resides in us from childhood and it is dealing with those unresolved fears from childhood that are the key to overcoming fear and opening your heart up once again. If you don't, the fear will merely subside after each break-up at which point you thik the fear has gone, when in reality, it is just sitting there waiting for the next trigger to resurface once again.

 

That's where we all need to be far more pro-active and honest in dealing with our fears. Look at our childhood and look at ourselves far more objectively to find what our real fears are ad where they come from.

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i think a big part of being ready for the next relationship is when you start to feel good while not in a relationship. you're ready when your world feels balanced and fulfilled enough without a significant other. only then can you enter a relationship w/o debilitating fear of having to lose your entire world if things don't work out - because you're world will already be full, and having that special someone will just be icing on the cake. what's key is maintaining that balance when in the relationship. something i know i need to work on for sure.

 

that being said, i'm in my early thirties, and i am realistic enough that there's a good probability i'll find someone and have to go through another breakup. but that is the ebb and flow of life! love is a beautiful thing, even after being cheated on and going through the worst days of my life, i am wiser for it and know what i want out of a relationship. i just hope i pick the right guy next time! finding love again is worth the risk of heartache.

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