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Asking your partner ...the numbers game!


Joshb
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Just curious, not that im in this position right now. Do you ever ask the numbers question at any stage in your relationship, or do you not care because you are with them now(past is the past) I know ive asked that question in the past, and my last gf(lied at first) had quite a history, haunted me for awhile, learned to get over it.

 

So to some its no big deal, to others its a deal breaker? Have you, or do you ask..at some point?

 

Also say you and your ex split up, months later getting back together, would you ask if they slept with anyone, or skip that, and just ask the question that counts...are you currently seeing anyone?

Do numbers bother you?

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You never ask. Just my opinion, but I'm sure some will agree/disagree. It does nothing to help. If it has anything to do with disease, you just make sure they get tested, and do so yourself. That's it.

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Personally I don't care about numbers, what I care about is whether there are loose threads from past liaisons. An ex of mine was a bit cagey about who among his female friends had always just been friends and who were former lovers. Doesn't matter if it was a one-night stand or a long relationship, I think it's important to be up front and honest about the people that are currently in your life.

 

A guy I dated recently was very pushy about knowing how many guys were in my past, and I have to say it was a real turn-off. The question didn't come up as a natural part of a discussion about meaningful things in our past histories; it came up as part of a discussion we had about safe sex and his need to get tested before anything happened. I'd been tested a few months prior, and hadn't been with anyone since then. I had a clean bill of health -- and that's what mattered in that context! He kept insisting that it was relevant information for him to have, as if a clean bill of health with x number of partners would have been safe but if I'd had z number of partners he'd have to be more careful. I hadn't had a problem sharing that info in the past, but the way he pushed for it and the ludicrous logic he tried to use to justify his demand were petty. One of the early signs I had that this guy wasn't a keeper.

 

My suggestion to guys would be that it's okay to ask -- as long as the question is topical to an on-going discussion. But as you found out, guys do tend to judge women with some double standards, so consider carefully whether or not you really want to know the answer. And you should understand if the woman you're seeing prefers to keep that information to herself; she may know from experience that some guys just can't handle knowing the answer.

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It's not something I would ask, but I think eventually you'll learn a little about it when you talk to each other about your pasts. I think the past is an important part to know about a person because it makes them part of who they are today.

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thanks for reply, interesting. As i thought some people are for it(feel its a must) while it doesnt cross or effect others.

 

For those of you who dont want to talk about it, is it because its a high number? Seems the ones who have a lot dont like or wish to discuss it, ones with low numbers normally ask, or offer the information. any truth to this?

 

For those who dont ask, does it ever cross your mind or not at all!

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For those of you who dont want to talk about it, is it because its a high number? Seems the ones who have a lot dont like or wish to discuss it, ones with low numbers normally ask, or offer the information. any truth to this?

 

Nope, not in my experience. In the instance I described above with the guy who was pushy about obtaining the information, our numbers were about the same ... I wouldn't say especially high or low. I think the people who feel a need to know this rather impersonal statistic -- unlike stories about past experiences -- are more likely to be insecure and/or controlling. The number tells you little if anything about the person, perhaps says more about the person asking.

 

If you assume that someone who refuses to divulge that information must have a "high" number of previous partners you are making a judgment about them, even if it's unconscious -- you're assuming that they feel a need to hide it. Which means that you think there's something to hide.

 

You can see why lots of people -- especially women -- might prefer to not ever disclose it. Kind of damned if you do, damned if you don't -- and there's a double standard when it comes to women's sexuality.

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Well, I've never been with a girl (sexually, or in a relationship); but I, personally, just wouldn't want to know about it. Chances are, if/ when I ever find a nice girl and get that far with her, I'll already be feeling nervous and self-conscious enough about it being my first time; I don't need the thought of her having had multiple partners in the past looming on my mind. That and, well, I don't want to be put in a position where I'd have to admit to being a virgin. It's just... not something I'm exactly proud of, and I can't imagine a future girlfriend (who's probably had multiple sex partners, herself) will just brush it off right away without any awkwardness. I'd rather keep my number (or, lack of number) to myself, and let her figure it out on her own.

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I like to know at some point. I also willingly oblige when asked my number. It's not something I base whether or not I want to date them on. It's just part of getting to know them. I like to know everything about them eventually, this included. It's also fun to have a laugh about our sexual pasts. Good bonding experience.

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It's a slippery slope, no doubt. You are dealing with what can potentially be a major source of insecurity in the other person. And, most people assume whatever number you give is only half of the actual. And, what if that number is already way more people than you've been with? Ouch! Don't forget about men's fragile egos and double standards. He wants to be your hero. He doesn't necessarily need to "hear" that he's the best you've ever been with, but he certainly doesn't want to hear that he isn't. Whatever you do, don't talk about past details...great sex, special moves or positions, exhibitions in glass elevators, etc. But it's okay to bring up past experiences that were, uh, disappointing. And don't ever, ever mention an ex with a monstrous penis size, even Cosmo knows the answer to that one...these things will eventually eat at even the most secure guy. I guarantee it. One word: TMI. When in doubt, keep your mouth shut - even if he keeps asking.

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I probably don't ask the exact number. But I try to know their values toward sex and if they sleep around so much very soon in dating stages. I think you have the right to know it to decide if you want the person or not, not exactly the number but their general sexual behavior.

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I probably don't ask the exact number. But I try to know their values toward sex and if they sleep around so much very soon in dating stages. I think you have the right to know it to decide if you want the person or not, not exactly the number but their general sexual behavior.

 

I think that if I dated someone enough to think about sleeping with them, I would have a good idea of their values, and standards. So no, I won't ask, or answer.

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heh... and sometimes when your a product of the 70's, it's really best to NOT KNOW... right KG?!

 

Exactly...given my age, and the 70's and the travelling lifestyle I had....

 

But the numbers don't matter much to me, mine that is. I can recall the best 5 women in my life, the rest, meh!

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i dont care about the numbers..and i dont tell mine either..

 

the only thing that is allowed is knowing about the ones that mattered..

 

and if there are friends amongst his or mine circle that we have slept with or been in love with..

 

but i would like to know when the last time was when he had sex though... he is allowed to lie about that one as long as he makes it believable ;-)

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I am guilty of being overly interested in my gf's (now wife) number. I have always had this weird thing about being equal with my partner. The really weird thing is I knew she had only slept with one other guy, but I became super obsessed with how many guys she had oral sex with. At one point I became super childish and ridiculous about it, and said some things that you should never say to someone you truly love. We both dated other people in hs and college but I became super jealous about her past bf's and totally hypocritical. Now that she's my wife it does bug me sometimes that she has ever been experienced something sexual with another guy, because I do feel like I was always the best guy for her. I have been working really hard at not thinking about our pasts and have tried to really live in the now. Instead of dwelling about her past I think about how proud I am of her for not sleeping around, and really how much I love her and how there is no way I could live without her. If anyone suffers from the same problem my advice would be if you need to know numbers than ask, but do so in a respectful and understanding way. Obviously your SO is with YOU now for a reason and that's really all that matters!

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i dont care about the numbers..and i dont tell mine either..

 

the only thing that is allowed is knowing about the ones that mattered..

 

and if there are friends amongst his or mine circle that we have slept with or been in love with..

 

but i would like to know when the last time was when he had sex though... he is allowed to lie about that one as long as he makes it believable ;-)

 

Why is this important?

 

What if it the guys number is really low and and it has been a long time..

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Although I'm always curious about it, I'd only ask someone's number if I suspect them to be a virgin (which in my opinion is something a partner should know before something happens).

 

Come to think of it I'd word it in a way so the answer is not numerical, and I'll be satisfied enough by hearing "a couple" (for sake of example).

 

I agree that hearing about being with people you both know is a must, as that could prove to be relevant.

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