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possibly cutting out a friend... now what?


How To Stop Leading Them On
How To Stop Leading Them On

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so i've decided to cut off contact, at least for now, from a friend who said something way out of line. she deliberately brought up a subject matter that is a serious trauma trigger for me. its bad enough when she mentions the subject in passing, worse when she brings the subject up deliberately, but this time she not only deliberately brought the subject up (after i'd told her over and over to not bring it up around me, and she hadn't in a long time so i was just astonished that she would bring it up the way she did now), but this time she not only brought it up deliberately but brought it up in the context to of the traumatic experience- as if nothing happened (really trivializing the traumatic experience). she apologized and said she should have thought before she spoke and i'm usually quite forgiving (though i don't forget as easily), but not this time.

a few problems are that this girl i consider one of my closest friends and we talk to each other a lot on the phone (we don't live near each other so we only see each other once in a while) and she has plans to come visit this weekend as well as 2 weekends from now. i told her not to come this weekend even though we had plans to go out with a bunch of people tonight which we'd been planning for weeks (i'm not feeling up to going anyway now), and in 2 weeks, she and another friend are visiting for a party we're having for another friend (also that we've been planning for months in advance) and have plans to stay with me (the other friend i'm looking forward to seeing) but i don't want her coming and its going to be really awkward to uninvite her at this point (from staying over... not really my place to uninvite her from the party at all as the party's not for me and she and i have done most of the planning). i mean we'll still have the party for our friend, and i can tell her she'll have to find someone else to stay with but it'll still be awkward at the party (and this party is for one of my best friends, who's been looking forward to it for a long time, i can't ditch her). it really hurts that i have to do this but she's crossed the line. it also hurts because she's been a good friend to me in so many ways. i'm not ready to talk to her and probably won't for a while. i've been an emotional wreck the past couple days over it. how to deal?

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Perhaps you should consider not talking to her as a close friend ever again.

 

It sounds like she has done this many times, even if it wasn't deliberately, so if you keep giving her the power to make you feel bad she's going to use it.

 

You don't have to end the friendship fully, specially if you share other friends, but put a limit and don't let her get beyond that point, keep the things she's a good friend for and block her from the rest.

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thanks, ya thats basically what i'm thinking of doing. its just hard because i'll probably have to cut her out of some major aspects of my life and there are some thing i've realized (have been wondering for a while now) that i just can't tell her. i guess thats also what make me feel hurt is that i realize i maybe can't trust her as as much of a friend as i thought.

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well a little update... i spoke to her online briefly last night (not as good as the phone but one step at a time) and she apologized. i can tell she is sorry and we left it off that we'd talk more later. the only thing is that not only am i upset with her.. i'll get over it eventually... but that when i talk to her the subject of said trauma is bound to come up and its a trauma i was just starting to move past. that's what else worries me.

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That's very good that she apologised but you really should prevent it from happening again. I don't think you should have that "talk" she mentioned, she said what she had to and now you can both try to leave this in the past, if that traumatic experience has nothing to do with her then she has no right to discuss it with you.

 

She's not making you feel better anyway, so don't try to find something that hasn't been there, she might be a great person but talking about certain issues with her is not what you need, be her friend but don't let her get more involved.

 

If you're making progress with that trauma just keep going and don't let anything stop you from finally feeling better about it.

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thanks, well that's why we need to talk. i need to make it clear to her, and make sure she understands once and for all that she absolutely cannot bring up the topic again and that she understands clearly how damaging an effect such a thing had, because i'm not sure she does. i'd asked her in the past not to bring said subject up again and thought she understood now but she obviously hadn't, otherwise she wouldn't have said it so blatantly this time. her apologizing and me communicating with her again is the first step but i think it'll take longer to really mend the friendship.

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Hey misspeanut i would not talk to her in the sense of telling her about the traumatic experience and how it upsets you. I think you should let her actions do the talking , people are not stupid they only push as far as they know they can go.

 

I would just let her go as a friend in the sense don't give her more importance then necessary, let her feel she has to earn your friendship.

 

Remember relationships are not easy but the good ones are always worth the effort.

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Hey misspeanut i would not talk to her in the sense of telling her about the traumatic experience and how it upsets you. I think you should let her actions do the talking , people are not stupid they only push as far as they know they can go.

 

I would just let her go as a friend in the sense don't give her more importance then necessary, let her feel she has to earn your friendship.

 

Remember relationships are not easy but the good ones are always worth the effort.

 

well that's the thing, we've been friends for quite a long time and she already knows about the traumatic experience. i thought she had earned my friendship over a long period of time and a lot of trials and tribulations (this isn't a casual aquaintance i'm talking about, this is someone up until now i've considered one of my closest friends). but it could take a while to earn it back. no matter what we can't just go right back to where we were before, maybe eventually but it'll take a while.

 

also, i'm a little anxious about seeing her next weekend. she has plans to stay elsewhere so i don't have to deal with that part but we're still going to see each other at the party (more of a get together with like 7-8 people than a party) and i don't want there to be any unnecessary tension. i wouldn't say anything out of line or do anything deliberate to cause undue tension. but i also don't think i'm ready to run up to her and give her a huge hug like we usually do when we see each other or anything like that. in some ways it might be better to break the tension by talking to her or seeing her one on one first, and in other ways maybe being with her around a few other people will be a better way to break the ice again, that way we're not obligated to talk directly to each other and if there's any sense of awkwardness, there are other people around to break the tension.

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