Jump to content

Is He Stunting My Personal Growth??


movershaker

Recommended Posts

All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

Bare with me, this is kind of a long story.....

 

I'm 24 years old and the first adult relationship I had ended in abuse, tears and restraining orders. 4 months later, I met my current boyfriend. I was pretty happy to just be with a man that didn't put me down, opened car doors, paid for dinner and had a good job and education. His kindness, even his timidness was refreshing compared to my ex who would physically slam me to the floor out of anger, sometimes in public.

 

I was 22 when my boyfriend and I moved in together, 8 months after we met. We had a long distance relationship, and never had the same opportunites local couples have to experiance, so living together was a big step. He always mentioned wanting to buy a house in Houston, TX...and I couldn't really see myself living so far away unless it was in a city that I really found interesting. His highest priority, understandably, was cost of living. Texas was simply cheaper than California. We also had the problem of communication. He was a very logical, mathmatical person. He had a sense of humor, but when things go difficult and a joke wouldn't suffice he seemd to tense up and crawl into a hole. I on the other had am a writer, a talker and a very organic person. I like to feel an intimacy with the people in my life. He isn't close to anyone in his, not even his best friends. These differences created a body of water between us and we broke up. I moved to New York to "find myself." While I was there I had a blast, met amazing people, saw amazing things, found a new sense of self, cut off my hair and found a general interest in learning about everything I could.

 

In the back of my mind however I felt like I had left a GOOD MAN. He placed some blame on me for leaving although he never objected before. I suddenly felt like I had bowed out too soon and maybe I was leaving something that I could now handle since I had a new outlook. After a year, I moved to Houston with him. He had bought his dream house and was living exactly where he wanted to be.

 

I am not happy here. I miss city life. I miss being around creative people, and people who aren't afraid to express themselves (male or female). He and I are very different still. He's happy stay home, while I like to get around and see the city. He likes sports and has no hobbies, I love to write, paint, take pictures, hear all kinds of music and interact with people.

 

I don't know if wanting to leave is a cop out, or the best decision at this point. Sorry for the epic tale, but the details seem to be important here..

 

PLEASE give advice here!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Honestly, I think that he was what you needed after your breakup--to show you that there ARE good guys out there... but, I don't think he's right for you. You two just seem really incompatible (the hobbies, the cities, etc). You're still really young and jumped into living together REALLY quickly. Wanting to leave isn't a cop-out, not all relationships (as you've found out) are destined to work. Sometimes, we have to go through a myriad of them to find the right one. I think you did meet a "good man", but he wasn't good for you. Don't stay simply because he's such a good guy. There are other good guys out there.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I also think you should leave for the good of both of you, it seems clear that you don't really love him.

 

But make sure you are doing the right thing - because I imagine there will be no going back a second time. You already broke his heart once and he took you back and he would be foolish to risk it once again if you find that the life you think you want is an illusion. The grass isn't always greener is a cliché but clichés usually have an element of truth.

 

Just one thought - it is possible to have different interests and still be with someone in a good relationship. Many people in my theatre group are happily married to people who have totally different interests.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He is undoubtedly a good man; loyal and dependable. That does not necessarily mean you have the kind of things in common which will enable you to grow as a couple - shared interests etc. You are not happy where you are; he is. This is not to say that either of you is 'right' or 'wrong' - but it doesn't sound as though you are compatible. He cannot stunt your personal growth, short of locking you in a cupboard and not letting you see the light of day, but you may well be stunting your own personal growth for the sake of security and the relationship.

 

This is a point at which you really need to evaluate what your priorities are; I personally would rather be single, and have lots of space to be creative and expressive, than feel stuck in a relationship. Others may decide that they feel vulnerable and lonely if they aren't in a relationship, and their other activities aren't important enough to take into account.

 

Also, if you like to interract with people, share ideas and so on - is there a way of doing this and still maintaining your relationship? I mean, could you visit the city or cultural centres, maybe take weekend breaks, whatever, without actually moving home? If he's the sort of person who would try to control you and stop you doing this, then you've got something to worry about. Otherwise, it may be possible to compromise and get all the experiences you need to get, and meet all the people you need to meet, without needing your boyfriend to be something he obviously isn't.

 

This is such a personal thing that nobody can really tell you what to do, but the fact that you're seeking feedback from other people suggests that you have mixed feelings on the matter. Maybe there are alternatives to the very black/white leaving/staying options whereby you can keep your security without being stifled.

 

Hope this helps!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

An additional thought - in the future please be careful before making this sort of commitment with someone: to leave him once is understandable but to do it twice for much the same reasons seems remarkably careless with his emotional well-being.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just one thought - it is possible to have different interests and still be with someone in a good relationship. Many people in my theatre group are happily married to people who have totally different interests.

 

Absolutely. My husband loves sports and techno stuff. I love music, art, reading, stuff like that. On the surface it seems we have nothing in common, but when you look closer, we have everything in common that helps make marriage work.

 

The difference, though, is that I'm happy. You're not. I also agree with DN that perhaps you're not in love with him. Ask yourself this - if you lived with him in NYC, would you still want to leave?

 

Regarding the title of your post, no one but you can stunt your personal growth.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I care about him very much. And while I was away he seemed confident that our problems would be easier to work through as did I. However, when I got here he was still very distant, reluctant to talk...so on. I had mentioned to him how much I wanted to get involved with the city together and with other people..Since I got here he hasn't shown any intrest in that. I feel like sometimes he said what was needed to get me to come. I don't think I'm the only person who was irresponsible...??

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I care about him very much. And while I was away he seemed confident that our problems would be easier to work through as did I. However, when I got here he was still very distant, reluctant to talk...so on. I had mentioned to him how much I wanted to get involved with the city together and with other people..Since I got here he hasn't shown any intrest in that. I feel like sometimes he said what was needed to get me to come. I don't think I'm the only person who was irresponsible...??

 

In any good, working, healthy relationship there has to be compromise. Do you feel you've compromised to make it work? Do you feel he hasn't?

 

I do agree with DN that it CAN work, despite having totally different interests, but it is more difficult.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Absolutely. My husband loves sports and techno stuff. I love music, art, reading, stuff like that. On the surface it seems we have nothing in common, but when you look closer, we have everything in common that helps make marriage work.

 

The difference, though, is that I'm happy. You're not. I also agree with DN that perhaps you're not in love with him. Ask yourself this - if you lived with him in NYC, would you still want to leave?

 

Regarding the title of your post, no one but you can stunt your personal growth.

Thats an awesome point!! If he lived in NYC (he hates NY) I half way feel like I would love it, because we would have this huge city to experiance together and that would be so awesome! On the other hand I half way feel like maybe if he lived in NYC with me I might still feel like I'm with the wrong person.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thats an awesome point!! If he lived in NYC (he hates NY) I half way feel like I would love it, because we would have this huge city to experiance together and that would be so awesome! On the other hand I half way feel like maybe if he lived in NYC with me I might still feel like I'm with the wrong person.

 

Well, you don't have to decide this today. For today, you're just fine where you're at, so give it some time and thought, and eventually a decision will come.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

In any good, working, healthy relationship there has to be compromise. Do you feel you've compromised to make it work? Do you feel he hasn't?

 

I do agree with DN that it CAN work, despite having totally different interests, but it is more difficult.

I feel like I made a HUGE compromise. Moving to a city I have no intrest in, living in the suburbs, which I've always kind of disliked...adjusting to a quieter life with him, and so on. The only compromise he's made is letting me come back...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I feel like I made a HUGE compromise. Moving to a city I have no intrest in, living in the suburbs, which I've always kind of disliked...adjusting to a quieter life with him, and so on. The only compromise he's made is letting me come back...

 

I don't know then.. I guess... I'm the same way as you--I LOVE city life, art, culture, all of that. I dated a guy who bought a house in the country and really could care less about the things I loved, he liked things...simple. I cared about him and he was a good guy and all that...but it just wasn't right. I'm not saying it won't work out with this guy, but if you're unhappy with suburban life and the way things are going, I can't say I blame you for re-evaluating this relationship.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't know then.. I guess... I'm the same way as you--I LOVE city life, art, culture, all of that. I dated a guy who bought a house in the country and really could care less about the things I loved, he liked things...simple. I cared about him and he was a good guy and all that...but it just wasn't right. I'm not saying it won't work out with this guy, but if you're unhappy with suburban life and the way things are going, I can't say I blame you for re-evaluating this relationship.

Yes. City life is a big thing to me, not to him. Sometimes I feel like to our core we have nothing in common. On paper we do: educationally driven, stylish, silly sense of humor...but to our core....he is a fish and I am a bird... I'm also panicking because I'll be 25 next month!! 25 years old...have I fullfilled myself, do I know myself, will I be a good wife, mother? Is this all I'll ever be? Things like that....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

another option is that you develop your own interests outside of him- you don't have to explore the city together- you can go with clubs and friends, you can do all the things you enjoy doing- just because you are a couple doesn't mean you have to do everything together. right?

 

how long have you been back- can you say that you have given it a fair chance?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

another option is that you develop your own interests outside of him- you don't have to explore the city together- you can go with clubs and friends, you can do all the things you enjoy doing- just because you are a couple doesn't mean you have to do everything together. right?

 

how long have you been back- can you say that you have given it a fair chance?

I've been here for almost 3 months now. I guess I just don't see much of a point in me coming to a place to be with him and not experiancing this place together. I can go to museums, plays and events alone in NYC....I like the idea of having a partner in crime.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can go to museums, plays and events alone in NYC....I like the idea of having a partner in crime.

 

He clearly isn't going to be your 'partner in crime', but why not find someone else to do the cultural stuff with? Maybe even a female friend?

 

 

It could even be that every now and then he'd want to accompany you. Even if you had a partner that was into the arts, it doesn't guarantee that you'd want to see the same things all the time - life just isn't like that!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He clearly isn't going to be your 'partner in crime', but why not find someone else to do the cultural stuff with? Maybe even a female friend?

 

 

It could even be that every now and then he'd want to accompany you. Even if you had a partner that was into the arts, it doesn't guarantee that you'd want to see the same things all the time - life just isn't like that!

Solid point. Question: Is it possible that I don't love him, or enough? I'm always pulling away...always finding reasons to leave. Annoyed or distance come so easily. I dislike his timidness, it makes me feel awful. He makes my life VERY easy, like the father I never had. But when it comes down to it....I just want to pull away from him. Then when I do....I miss him! (At least I did last time...)

 

I feel like an idiot, and I'm really quite SMART!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think this is just part of growing up for most people. Those of us that did not marry our HS or college sweetheart anyway. I let go of the best women I've met in my life so far because I was wrapped up in what the cool people were doing and ended up in Washington DC. While she was kinda shy and a homebody.

 

I hope that eventually I'll meet someone that will surpass her. It's been 5 years I ain't getting any younger though.

 

edit--oh and by the way I could care less what the cool people are doing now and I'm a homebody!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think this is just part of growing up for most people. Those of us that did not marry our HS or college sweetheart anyway. I let go of the best women I've met in my life so far because I was wrapped up in what the cool people were doing and ended up in Washington DC. While she was kinda shy and a homebody.

 

I hope that eventually I'll meet someone that will surpass her. It's been 5 years I ain't getting any younger though.

 

edit--oh and by the way I could care less what the cool people are doing now and I'm a homebody!

Well that's definitely a solid point. I moved back out of that fear actually. But I'm told doing anything out of "fear" will cause greater regret than not. How do you know if you stayed with her you would have been able to appriciate her and give her what she needs? You may not have found the one that supasses her because that's an unfair comparison. No one can even compare to your own perception of someone. Hind sight is always more vivid than whats in front of you. Maybe by holding onto her memory you are passing up women who are better for you NOW, that she ever was THEN.

 

Anyhoo...good point!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Question: Is it possible that I don't love him, or enough? I'm always pulling away...always finding reasons to leave. Annoyed or distance come so easily. I dislike his timidness, it makes me feel awful. He makes my life VERY easy, like the father I never had. But when it comes down to it....I just want to pull away from him. Then when I do....I miss him! (At least I did last time...)

 

I think you are right - I don't think you love him enough. Somehow you seem to portray him as if you think you are somehow better, smarter, more intellectual and more sophisticated than he is and that is not the way you should regard someone you love. There is barely one quality about him that you seem to admire.
He makes my life VERY easy, like the father I never had.
And this is very indicative too. Don't be surprised that if you do break up with him he feels very used.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well that's definitely a solid point. I moved back out of that fear actually. But I'm told doing anything out of "fear" will cause greater regret than not. How do you know if you stayed with her you would have been able to appriciate her and give her what she needs? You may not have found the one that supasses her because that's an unfair comparison. No one can even compare to your own perception of someone. Hind sight is always more vivid than whats in front of you. Maybe by holding onto her memory you are passing up women who are better for you NOW, that she ever was THEN.

 

Anyhoo...good point!

 

I don't compare anyone to her. I've just met a lot of * * * * ty women since then and realized a decent mate is hard to find.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do you have friends where you are? Sure, companionship is the bomb, but you also need to have friends to go do things with.

 

Don't kid yourself. This is ALL about you. It is about what you want, the decisions you have made, the decisions you are currently making. This is not his fault at all in any way. These are your decisions that you now have to live with. Now you are finding that those decisions either were not made too well or they no longer fit and it's time to make different decisions. I guess what I'm trying to say is - makde it about you and what you want. Do you want this relationship? Again, the answer will come in time.

 

25 is not that old. Whether or not you will make a good wife or mother or whether you know yourself well enough is not something determined by this relationship or your boyfriend. You have to look at these issues, think about them, and then figure it out. It has nothing to do with your relationship or boyfriend.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...