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"are you ready for a serious relationship"


fatcat1999

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My psycho...er, psychic....prediction:

 

You will find 2 basic camps on this.

 

1. People who like it when others clearly and honestly state their relationship goals right at the beginning.

 

2. People who think relationship goals shouldn't be so blantantly stated until after you've met the person and gotten to know them.

 

I fall into the first camp....and it's exactly how I approached dating the last time I was single. I knew I wanted to get into a relationship that was going to lead to marriage sooner rather than later, and I said that from the get-go. If the guy I was chatting with online said he didn't want to get married or wasn't sure what his relationship goals were, I bid him a nice life and moved on. We weren't heading the same direction, so what was the point in meeting to see if we clicked? So we meet and click and what? Spend a few months or a year getting to know each other and come back to I want to get married and he doesn't?

 

Time is a precious commodity. Spending it with someone who has stated they aren't interested in the same relationship goal you are was a bigger risk than I wanted to take. If I was chatting with someone and he said he was also looking for a relationship leading to marriage sooner rather than later, then I'd go ahead and meet him to see if the other things -- compatibility, attraction, chemistry -- were there.

 

I chatted with a guy online and on the phone a few weeks, met for a real life date, he proposed a week after that and we got married less than a year later. The wedding was (almost) 7 years ago...so far so good.

 

So, yeah, I'm a definite believer in being up front and honest about your relationship goals even before you meet. Why hitch a ride with someone who's told you they're not going where you want to go?

 

The first step, though, is figuring out what your own goals are. I ran into a number of people who either don't know or who thought openly and honestly discussing that was taboo.

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christian carter is a dating advice guru. i have some of his DVDs. i was watching one, and he recommended asking questions like that in a very casual manner on the first or second date. something like, 'are you looking to get married one day? just curious.' he said to say just curious, and then act cool, you know, don't stare at him intently waiting for your answer. his justification was because you don't know each other very well at that point and there is no real relationship there, he has nothing to lose by telling you the truth. this is in contrast to dating for 4 or 5 months, where he may be afraid to tell you the truth because he doesn't want to upset you. it's an interesting theory!

 

if you ask, i'd ask in a casual manner.

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I usually just go with the flow at first and let our status work itself out while we decide if we're compatible. But i don't think there's anything wrong with just asking what he's looking for, in general. Don't make it about you, and say something in the first few dates about wanting to know if he sees himself having a serious relationship with you. I'd just kinda try to figure kinda what stage he's at in life, and if he's in relationship mode, party mode, whatever.

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Respect position 1., but am firmly in the 2. camp. I don't see spending a minor amount of time with a new person as a waste before delving into the wish list, and would rather spend the very early time completely socially, flirting and having fun. Rolling out an agenda on either side too early skips a very important step for me that makes the frustrating dating process worth doing.

 

It's a carpe diem mentality really. Many people spend the entirety of their lives working a straight line process to reach stated goals, and this is fine, I guess, but there's also something to be said for stopping and smelling the roses and relaxing from the process in the early stages of meeting.

 

My focus is on "is this person interesting and fun?" rather than "what does she want and does it work with what I want?" a least before meeting, and for the first couple of meetings.

 

I have dated women, mostly from the net, who are obviously processing a mental checklist on first meeting, and it gives me the unpleasant feeling of sitting in the hotseat in front of an annoying HR person. We don't walk up to strangers out and about and ask them if they are interested in marriage and children or a serious relationship, why is the net meeting one bit different?

 

Have become wary through experience of those who wear any particular agenda on their sleeve right off the bat, regardless if it's marriage with children, getting you involved in a business proposition, inviting you to church, or asking for help with a charity. Slow down and get to know me a little first before working your agenda, and I promise to do the same.

 

EDIT: One qualifier. I never do long email exchanges before meeting. I ask for a phone number in the response to her initial response, call her and ask her out immediately, and state that's what I do in my profile, so it's no surprise. Just the way I do net meeting. If you are the type to have penpals for a long time before meeting, sure, bring whatever you want up, but know that most of the the sincere men on the net will usually ask you out fast, and not IM or Email for weeks and weeks before a live date.

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completely agree with the last paragraph, I now feel "played" by a guy met online who took ages to ask me out.

 

anyway. I heard women settle down with the right person and men settle down when it's right time. I guess for me, i do want a serious relationship, but I will only bring it up later coz of strategy. so it works if the guy is ready for a serious relationship. i guess "being ready for a serious relationship" and "looking for a serious relationship" are different concepts. just need to be cautious whether a guy use it as a way to get into my pants or the guy falls for the concept instead of me. i think i'll be able to figure it out by taking it slow, really slow.

 

hehe i feel very smart to figure it out, now just need to put it into practice.

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EDIT: One qualifier. I never do long email exchanges before meeting. I ask for a phone number in the response to her initial response, call her and ask her out immediately, and state that's what I do in my profile, so it's no surprise. Just the way I do net meeting. If you are the type to have penpals for a long time before meeting, sure, bring whatever you want up, but know that most of the the sincere men on the net will usually ask you out fast, and not IM or Email for weeks and weeks before a live date.

 

Absolutely agree with this. My husband asked me out after the first time we chatted (we met on Yahoo messenger). Not just a vague "do you want to meet up sometime" but a specific "I'd like to take you to dinner, what's a good day for you?"

 

It was one (of many) things that made him stand out from the other guys I was talking to and let me know he was the real deal.

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I always like to state my intentions upfront, I don't want to bother with someone who doesn't have the same intentions as me. I also like to do this to try to weed out the guys who just want sex although that doens't always work.

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I guess for me, i do want a serious relationship, but I will only bring it up later coz of strategy.

 

You know that brings up another good point, talk is cheap. Even if you are bringing up the issue of relationships very early, without knowing the person at all, how on earth do you know they are telling the truth? No way to tell really is there?

 

Rather than stating a direct agenda, people will almost always tell you most of what you want to know by their actions indirectly. Asking them specific questions only puts them on guard. The purpose of the direct questions for me is to make sure we are on the same page down the road quite a piece, and that there are no misunderstandings once a relationship is starting to gel.

 

A man who finds you interesting for relationship purposes will ask you out again, even if you won't kiss him on the first date. After a couple of dates he will start to contact a bit more, but won't burn your phone up with texts or calls right off the bat. He won't start professing feelings right off the bat, 90% of the time those are insincere "You are exactly what I'm looking for." Who in the heck could say such a thing on an early date? yet I hear and know of women falling for this kind of thing frequently.

 

A man who wants a relationship will assertively seek sex or physical contact, maybe even very directly, but in a playful way and not in a pressing way, and certainly not in a groping way. Many of us believe this is our job, and the woman's job to regulate the pace, and if we don't make polite passes and overtures, if we don't do some seduction, that the woman will not find us as attractive or interesting.

 

The difference is that the guy looking for a relationship will accept your pace, and will never whine about having to wait or try to imply that you have been teasing him by throwing out mixed signals. He will be persistent, but honor your boundaries.

 

After a few dates, whether sex is involved or not, the guy will start showing interest in your life, seeking to meet your friends, for you to meet his, wanting to involve you in his life. This is not the same as calling 10 times a day, sending flowers or texting up a storm, this stuff, like talk, is cheap, yet I think many women confuse the two. He will start asking you for dates in the future that require planning, his actions will show that he isn't scared to envision you in the near and intermediate future.

 

Men who are seeking a relationship are fairly easy to spot without asking a single thing. We get frustrated because in the early going, it sometimes becomes obvious that the woman is still keeping non relationship quality men in her life, while seeming to want a relationship with us, all men have been in this situation, and it makes us have to resist a "why bother with relationships, just go for sex, they are all sleeping with some ass anyway, why not just join the ass brigade?" Please help us fight this mentality by conducting yourself as someone who is seeking a relationship instead of just stating it Again, talk is cheap. Did you figure out that talk is cheap yet?

 

Hope this helps.

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After a few dates, whether sex is involved or not, the guy will start showing interest in your life, seeking to meet your friends, for you to meet his, wanting to involve you in his life. This is not the same as calling 10 times a day, sending flowers or texting up a storm, this stuff, like talk, is cheap, yet I think many women confuse the two. He will start asking you for dates in the future that require planning, his actions will show that he isn't scared to envision you in the near and intermediate future.

 

 

I like this!!

 

This sums up my relationship at the moment perfectly, we haven't had a discussion but have been dating 1.5 months and his actions show that he is looking for a relationship. He also, stated in the beginning that he doesn't mess around/date casually. I think sometimes it works out and you just know. I know people on here have said you should just never assume things, and I know the clarification will come up at some point. But I am not concerned about the direction this is heading.

 

If it helps, I also met this guy online.

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I usually just go with the flow at first and let our status work itself out while we decide if we're compatible. But i don't think there's anything wrong with just asking what he's looking for, in general. Don't make it about you, and say something in the first few dates about wanting to know if he sees himself having a serious relationship with you. I'd just kinda try to figure kinda what stage he's at in life, and if he's in relationship mode, party mode, whatever.

 

I usually go with this. I've found that blatantly bringing it up can scare people off. They might get the wrong impression--that you want a relationship just for the sake of having one and aren't as concerned about who it's with--even when this is not your intention at all.

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I usually go with this. I've found that blatantly bringing it up can scare people off. They might get the wrong impression--that you want a relationship just for the sake of having one and aren't as concerned about who it's with--even when this is not your intention at all.

 

Yeah, it did freak out and scare off quite a few guys I was talking to.

 

That's part of the point, though.

 

I'm not a terribly tactful, diplomatic person to begin with. If they couldn't handle a direct, straightfoward statement about my goals ("I'm looking for a relationship that leads to marriage sooner rather than later") without personalizing it ("Oh crap, she's looking to marry ME"), then we probably weren't gonna get along anyway.

 

I tried that whole wait and see where things go approach and, inevitably, I ended up places that I didn't want to go with people who I probably shouldn't have been with at all. I've found that if you have to spend a lot of time "explaining" yourself/what you meant to someone, chances are good that they just dont get you....and probably never will.

 

When I stated my relationship goal to my husband, he got it. He got that it had nothing to do with him specificallly at that point. I've been my blunt and tactless and "bull-in-a-china-shop"ish self since day one and he's always understood and appreciated that about me.

 

In my 20's I wouldn't have had the backbone to do that. By the time I got into my mid- to late-30's, I realized the sheer futility of being anything other than who I am.

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I think some people who would genuinely be interested in a serious would feel pressured by certain types of declarations early on. I'm sure there are people who would not be freaked out by it at all, but for the ones that would be, I wouldn't assume it's because they don't want a serious relationship or marriage eventually.

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I also think online dating is different. I might put things in my profile such as that I am looking for a serious relationship and marriage, but this might not be something I would lead with as the first thing out of my mouth on or before the first date.

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I think some people who would genuinely be interested in a serious would feel pressured by certain types of declarations early on. I'm sure there are people who would not be freaked out by it at all, but for the ones that would be, I wouldn't assume it's because they don't want a serious relationship or marriage eventually.

 

No, I wasn't making that assumption about their goals necessarily.

 

It was more an observation of my communication style not being a good fit with theirs. Even if someone has the same relationship goal you do, it doesn't guarantee a good fit.

 

I was told more than once (and by more than one source) that "a lot of men found me intimidating."

 

I tried being less intimidating...but since I could never quite figure out what the hell that meant, my attempts were doomed to fail (and they did...in quite spectacular fashion at times). I've discussed this with my husband and he just laughed and said he never found me intimidating.

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No, I wasn't making that assumption about their goals necessarily.

 

It was more an observation of my communication style not being a good fit with theirs. Even if someone has the same relationship goal you do, it doesn't guarantee a good fit.

 

I was told more than once (and by more than one source) that "a lot of men found me intimidating."

 

I tried being less intimidating...but since I could never quite figure out what the hell that meant, my attempts were doomed to fail (and they did...in quite spectacular fashion at times). I've discussed this with my husband and he just laughed and said he never found me intimidating.

 

Oh I see. Yes, that is a different sort of compatibility issue. I totally get that...I've had that issue with people I've dated in the past (different communication styles) although I did not realize it up front and come to think of it, it would have been useful if I had realized that early on!

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