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i think i intimidate men and will be single forever.


cherriecheek

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two months. thats about the average length of time i can keep a guy around before he starts to fade himself out. truth is, im not a jealous girl in the least, i dont overcall nor question my guy when he goes out with his friends. i have a good job and therefore not a gold digger, i think im attractive enough to have confidence and not feel threatened by other women. i respect guys nights. i enjoy sporting events, like to socialize and can hold an intelligent conversation. i cant figure out what im doing wrong when i date? im 24 years old and been dating guys around my age. should i look for someone a bit maturer, like in the 26-28 age bracket? honestly, im pretty exhausted from dating and its frustrating, im not in a marriage midset...just looking for something a bit more stable.

 

i dont know if me being an independent woman makes guys feel threatened or what. but i wish i knew what to do different

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My last two girlfriends were independent women, and I found it very difficult to sustain a relationship with both of them. What I found was, they can only give so much to a relationship before hitting some imaginary line that feels to them like they are giving too much of their independence away.

 

I know very well now that should I get involved with a woman, and her world revolves around her and a relationship is just an added extra, then likely I will fade out and go look for someone that wants to make the world revolve around us.

 

Perhaps this is what they are detecting from you? Perhaps they are in similar places in their lives and are just wanting to play the game? Perhaps they are asking the question... if you want to be independent, then why do you want to be in a relationship? Fiercely independent and relationally committed seem very much mutual exclusive.

 

Just some thoughts...

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haha im tall for a girl: 5'10"

 

the thing is, im more of a monogomous kind of girl, i love giving my attention to one man at a time. im independent in the sense that i dont believe in depending on a man for financial purposes or for a social outlet. i have a pretty solid group of friends and i love encorporating them into that mix. ha do guys secretly like whiny or needy girls?? cause truthfully, i dont have a temper and really bad moods for me are few and far between. im looking for a guy who is also my friend. its so hard to find a guy who genuinelly wants to enjoy life with me....plain and simple.

 

keyman: where you already in relationships with these past two gfs, or did they stop it before things got too serious?

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5'10" eh? Ever thought of moving to Australia???

 

I was fully in the relationship with the first one before I started to understand what she wanted in a partner - after the honeymoon period finished. The second, we really didn't get far enough, she kept running away from the relationship.

 

Most people are looking for someone who genuinelly wants to enjoy life with them, but that means so many different things to so many different people.

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define - 'running away from the relationship.' what do you mean by that? like she wouldn't call you, ask you out, be affectionate, etc??

 

i'm just curious because in some ways, i have a similar 'problem' as the OP. i definitely fit into the 'independent woman' mode, but i don't think that i am so independent i don't want a relationship. i mean, truth be told, i can live just fine without a relationship, if i have to, but i think life is nice when you have a good partner too.

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I think it is a common misapprehension that men find independent women intimidating and it is misleading women into making the issue about the men she dates rather than about her. That way, instead of doing some self-analysis to see what she might be doing that is unappealing, she is able to make it about some shortcoming in the men and therefore she has to do nothing to change.

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DN i understand what you're saying, im this case im blaming myself. im saying i think me being independent is a not working in my favor and therefore turning off guys. i agree with annie, i can live great alone, but i would pick having a good relationship anyday

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I don't think that being independent is the issue is what I am saying. That isn't something to blame yourself for.

 

And it isn't a question of blame - it's a question of looking to see if there is anything that you are doing that should be changed. And 'should' is a carefully chosen word because it means that you don't change anything that makes you who you are but those things that will benefit you anyway.

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Men like independent women, but they also like to feel like they have something they can give you, contribute to your life, help in some way. As long as they can see that, don't worry about intimidation.

 

I think your sense about seeking out a slightly older man for what you're looking for is a good one.

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define - 'running away from the relationship.' what do you mean by that? like she wouldn't call you, ask you out, be affectionate, etc??

 

i'm just curious because in some ways, i have a similar 'problem' as the OP. i definitely fit into the 'independent woman' mode, but i don't think that i am so independent i don't want a relationship. i mean, truth be told, i can live just fine without a relationship, if i have to, but i think life is nice when you have a good partner too.

 

I define the running away as...

 

When things get hard, a little stressed etc, she'd break up with me and run away try to do it on her own. Then after a couple of weeks, something would happen, and she would come crawling back, to do it again. 3 times she did it, but no more.

 

It's like doing it on her own is easier, she doesn't have to compromise what she wants to do and when she does, it's too hard... run away...

 

Yes life is nice when you have a good partner, but sometimes you have to work to make things work properly, not just hope they work all by themselves...

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I think people need to differentiate between dependence, independence and inter-dependence. For me, inter-dependence is the best way to go.

 

Indeed! I have no issue with an independent woman. I'm looking for an equal, or even someone to push me a bit to be my best, rather than someone to pity. However if she is so independent that I feel she doesn't need me... Well then that's obviously not going to work. So yes, inter-dependence. Ideally we both need one-another...

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I definitely fall in this category. Most guys think I in no way need them. And it's true - I *want* to be with a guy I love. I don't need a man. It's a voluntary choice to give my heart and to give of myself (and I do it completely and willingly). But guys seem to want to take care of me, and when they find out that outside of killing stinging insects, maybe some plumbing or wiring help, I don't really "need" to be taken care of.... they go for someone else.

 

I think my problem is that I grew up competing with guys. I viewed the girls who couldn't play sports or drive a stick shift or whatever as being weak and the butt of jokes. I spent so much time (and this was encouraged by the guys I knew, BTW) working to be the girl who was admired by the guys, that now at age 38, it's been hard for me to understand that guy see those non-competitive girls to be desirable romantically. I look sexy, I'm considered quite pretty, I dress well but I still want to get out there and compete on the playing field, in the workplace, behind the wheel....

 

So being independent I think isn't quite as simple as it seems. It's more than being self suffiicent and confident and having the ability to pursue one's path in life. It also has to do with being different than the average expectations of men for a partner. At least in my case.

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