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Met internet bf - No more talking?


miss_squish

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Ok so...totally wasn't sure where I should post this but I'm feeling kind of lost and a little confused.

 

The story so far : A year or two ago I was introduced to a friends then boyfriend through email instant messenger. We got on really well and became really good friends even though we hadn't met in person. There was a mutual attraction between us which we talked about but neither would even consider acting on it as he was in a relationship.

 

They since broke up (she dumped him for someone else - so nothing to do with me) and since then we got more "intimate" online, on the phone and texts and he asked me out a few months ago.

 

I finally went to meet him a weekish later, met his parents, stayed the night and we had sex. I stayed the week about a month later aswell. (He lives about 4hours away so we aren't able to see each other often) Inbetween these two times we talked the same on messenger, phone, text as before we met - still as fun, still as sweet and still and close.

 

NOW! This is where I get really lost and confused, I left his house a couple of weeks ago and since then he's barely spoken to me and he seems uninterested and uncaring - the only messages I've got have been very blunt.

 

Has he decided that he doesn't really want to be with me? Did things happen too soon? Having known him so long (it's not like he's a stranger off the net) it didn't feel like a first meet so it didn't feel wrong at the time.

 

Now I'm just confused.

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I was prepared for those kind of answers and I REALLY don't want to sound like one of those dippy people who stick up for idiots...

 

But he's never come accross like that. Out of our circle of friends, I was the only one who hadn't met up with him (I'm shy)

 

It's so unconventional (to me at least) that I'm not sure what's relatively normal and what's not. His ex was/is a nut - hence she is our collective friend no more. Everyone was totally backing him because he's thought of as "the sweet guy"

 

I also have a tendency to be incredibly paranoid about pretty much anything. I could be reading way too much into this. I guess I wanted it outside my head more than anything. He hasn't actually DONE anything to warrant my current feelings - home situations could account for quite a bit tbh...

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You should send him an email asking these questions. He probably got what he wanted from you.

 

I would ask but I don't want to come accross as desperate etc.

"Do you want me?"...."Really?"....."Really really?"

 

I'd like to think I'm not so naive and don't want that to be thought of me. I know he has no credit at all, he's working double hours to what he did (the weekend I was there was his last off before his new hours) and I can be a total b***h when I'm shattered and lets just say his mum is very involved in what he does (permission to do things etc as he lives at home) even more so lately.

 

I'm glad that you both pointed out the most probable situation though as it's meant I now HAVE to be aware of the possibilities that this would be best left alone.

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Knowing each other online is not the same as knowing each other in person.

 

Instead of spending time together, and getting to know each other better, you gave him "sex on a platter", the first time you met him.

 

Not to sound harsh, but this is what usually happens when you "put the cart before the horse." I think you would have done better if you had waited, and given this time to see if you were a good match, before taking that step.

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Knowing each other online is not the same as knowing each other in person.

 

Instead of spending time together, and getting to know each other better, you gave him "sex on a platter", the first time you met him.

 

Not to sound harsh, but this is what usually happens when you "put the cart before the horse." I think you would have done better if you had waited, and given this time to see if you were a good match, before taking that step.

 

That's kinda what I've been feeling - but I'm not sure where I go from here.

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I personally think LDR near impossible. You can never get to see that individual in their natural habitat. You can be pen pals...but unless you have a concrete game plan it really (in my world) is just VERY casual dating.

 

I'm sorry!! I also wouldn't take it personally as he is probably treating it as a LD 'meeting' and feels the work involved too taxing. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh most men are lazy

 

It just seems really out of character for him (And before you all say it - I know online and offline are totally different for the majority) His last (and first) Gf was LD and they dated for two years - if it seems weird, he's really open about her and she was a really close friend of mine.

 

Tbh, I feel more like I'm missing something that's wrong than anything.

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Knowing each other online is not the same as knowing each other in person.

 

Instead of spending time together, and getting to know each other better, you gave him "sex on a platter", the first time you met him.

 

Not to sound harsh, but this is what usually happens when you "put the cart before the horse." I think you would have done better if you had waited, and given this time to see if you were a good match, before taking that step.

 

 

I agree with this. I will also say that in a sense he did cheat on his gf. He struck up a friendship with you and then the two of you had a talk about how you are both attracted to each other. That is already overstepping the bounds. I don't think too many people would be happy if their partner had a talk with someone else about how much they are attracted to them. It doesn't matter that nothing was acted upon, the fact that he actually expressed interest in you while he was with his gf is not very honourable.

 

Out of our circle of friends, I was the only one who hadn't met up with him (I'm shy)

 

I am not sure what you mean by this. Do you mean that all the females in the circle of friends have dated him at one point?

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I agree with this. I will also say that in a sense he did cheat on his gf. He struck up a friendship with you and then the two of you had a talk about how you are both attracted to each other. That is already overstepping the bounds. I don't think too many people would be happy if their partner had a talk with someone else about how much they are attracted to them. It doesn't matter that nothing was acted upon, the fact that he actually expressed interest in you while he was with his gf is not very honourable.

 

Sorry, I didn't put that part too well. I was the one overstepping boundaries - basically saying "What would you do if I said I had feelings for you?" his answer being that even if he did like me, he would never act on it while in a relationship.

 

I am not sure what you mean by this. Do you mean that all the females in the circle of friends have dated him at one point?

 

I mean he's friends with my friends (male and female) it's just I hadn't met him but they were already friends with him.

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Think of it this way - if you met someone twice in person for a date and didn't want to see the person again would it be so wrong to just not call again? I don't think so especially since you two didn't decide to be exclusive. You just think it's different here because you typed/talked before meeting. I don't think that makes a difference as far as his obligation to contact you after meeting you twice in person, especially since he knew you knew he had a girlfriend and you two were only chatting as friends.

 

I would leave the ball in his court and if having sex made you feel more attached to him, consider next time waiting to have sex until you've dated someone in person for awhile (and better yet, until you're exclusive).

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Think of it this way - if you met someone twice in person for a date and didn't want to see the person again would it be so wrong to just not call again? I don't think so especially since you two didn't decide to be exclusive. You just think it's different here because you typed/talked before meeting. I don't think that makes a difference as far as his obligation to contact you after meeting you twice in person, especially since he knew you knew he had a girlfriend and you two were only chatting as friends.

 

I would leave the ball in his court and if having sex made you feel more attached to him, consider next time waiting to have sex until you've dated someone in person for awhile (and better yet, until you're exclusive).

 

I'm not trying to be intentionally dim but what do you mean "until you're exclusive" Neither of us has been seeing anyone else if you mean that.

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I'm not trying to be intentionally dim but what do you mean "until you're exclusive" Neither of us has been seeing anyone else if you mean that.

 

I mean have you decided that you would not see anyone else - not keep that option open (different from "we happen not to be seeing anyone else"). Sorry if I wasn't clear....

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Not seeing anyone else was a decision on both sides - not just "we happen not to be seeing anyone else"

 

It would make more sense if he'd changed after the first time we met as I could understand that maybe IRL we weren't as compatible and interested as we seemed online... but between the first and second time we met we talked/texted exactly the same but with the addition of both saying we really enjoying just being in each others company, and looking forward to when we could next see each other.

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Not seeing anyone else was a decision on both sides - not just "we happen not to be seeing anyone else"

 

It would make more sense if he'd changed after the first time we met as I could understand that maybe IRL we weren't as compatible and interested as we seemed online... but between the first and second time we met we talked/texted exactly the same but with the addition of both saying we really enjoying just being in each others company, and looking forward to when we could next see each other.

 

I agree it's not exactly the same as meeting once with no compatibility but i know of and have experienced many situations where the man doesn't ask me on a third date. Did you decide to be exclusive before you met?

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I agree it's not exactly the same as meeting once with no compatibility but i know of and have experienced many situations where the man doesn't ask me on a third date. Did you decide to be exclusive before you met?

 

Yea we did. Tbh, it was him who brought it up in the first place - he didn't want to "lose me" to someone he thought would be better than him.

 

This isn't something I've ever done before - I'm not a huge fan of meeting people from online as usually one of you ends up disappointed and it ends what was a good online friendship but I really thought that we'd at least be offline FRIENDS if nothing else...

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I get the feeling he can't make up his mind whether he wants something or not. He still makes "interested" remarks but is still just as blunt.

 

I don't know whether to wait and see or just give up.

 

I can't wait forever though..

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You shouldn't smoother him. But you should let him be aware that if he doesn't want to be with you, he should say so. Nothing more.

 

I agree with this, simply let him know that if he doesn't want to be with you, then just say so and be honest and you wouldn't be wasting your time wondering whats up. Hopefully everything works out

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I'm a bit rubbish with wording things out but I think I got it accross that I needed to know if "this" was going to change to "normal" and if it was worth waiting for "us" to be good again.

 

I'm still getting the feeling that something personal is up and he just doesn't really want to talk about it - but we've talked more properly since and he seems to be more like how I know him, if that makes sense.

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Don't feel bad about having the sex, despite what some will tell you. Don't beat yourself up that way. Yeah, it is best to wait, but even if you didn't have the sex, he still may have withdrawn. Men do not appreciate what women do for them, I am sorry to say, without sounding harsh. I wait a fairly long time before having sex with someone even if I am crazy about them, because of the above-mentioned fact. Most men do not get attached over the internet, most women do. This is a fact of life, not to dis the men out there.

 

And yes, I would not contact him at all. He knows you care about him - you slept with him. Learn from this and realize the nature of males.

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I get the feeling he can't make up his mind whether he wants something or not. He still makes "interested" remarks but is still just as blunt.

 

I don't know whether to wait and see or just give up.

 

I can't wait forever though..

what do you mean by "blunt"? and believe me, take it from experience, DO NOT WAIT FOR HIM. He flaked out for whatever reason, go on and live your life.

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what do you mean by "blunt"? and believe me, take it from experience, DO NOT WAIT FOR HIM. He flaked out for whatever reason, go on and live your life.

 

Well "before" we'd talk online, on the phone, text and the conversation just flowed. Now, it's gone to that "stranger on messenger" type thing.

 

Me : Hey

Him : Hello.

Me : So how's things?

Him : *shrug* Fine. Yourself?

Me : Uh, ok..

Him : Bye.

 

-Silence-

 

It might just be me, but that seems kinda blunt compared to..

 

"Bye..-kisses and hugs and stuff- Love you an awesome amount. Text me please?"

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