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When a break up is sudden...has the dumper usually planned or thought it out?


wandererlust
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Going through the past week I have so many questions, questions that may never be answered, but the break up to me was so sudden. It was over the phone, in the heat of an argument, and then his initial reasons on the phone were projected onto me i.e. "I bring too much disappointment to your life, too much paranoia". Since it surprised me that it happened so fast, I asked if he was sure, and he said yes, that it was what he really wanted. Since then he has gone to blaming my paranoia issues as to why it ended. It was only a recent issue that had come up that I have been wanting to work on anyway.

 

So I guess it is more my pride and ego that wonder- had he been thinking about this for a while? I tend to think he got scared and wanted to bail anyway and was looking for a reason, but maybe thats my ego and pride again

 

If so, I'm just disappointed he never wanted to open it up for discussion.

 

So, when dumpers "dump" is it usually something they have been thinking about for a while? Is there a "male dumper" and "female dumper "difference? I read here recently that men will deal with our issues for so long and then it's like "buh bye"! If it happens so suddenly like that, are there any regrets? Or not because it has been on his or her mind?

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it really depends... i would say most of the time yes its something they been thinking about unless its a heat of a moment thing like during a fight.

 

When you are dealing with emotions, you have to keep in mind that logic usually has a hard time explaining it. So getting "closure" or trying to find out what happened is usually a difficult thing to chase after and figure out. Most of the time you won't get the answer you are looking or hopping for. If he says he wants a break from you, just go straight into NC. I'm sure you have heard this before. It is really the best strategy to use no matter what your intentions are.

 

1. Want to get back together with him? Best strategy = no contact. It makes him miss you and gives him space. Being clingy pushes him further away and reinforces that he made the right decision. It is also especially effective vs men in my opinion.

 

2. Need to get over him? No contact obviously...

 

3. Find yourself, improve yourself? No contact... helps you move on and focus on YOU. Be excited about what you can do to improve yourself and life. Think about what you want to do productive with the extra time you will have.

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Thank you for your reply. NC has been helping a bit, more for myself than anything. I know it doesn't really matter at this point whether or not he had been thinkling about it for a while, like I said it's my ego that would like to know if he regrets it and would want me back. Yet through NC, I am confused myself and trying to get back to myself and I am not even sure I would go back if he wanted to reconcile.

 

I think one does reflect though, if "the dumper" had been thinking of breaking it off for a while but couldn't talk about it or try to work through it, then what was this "sham" of a relationship I have been putting energy and lov einto for the past X amount of time? Maybe that's what it is- trying to qualify what you had with somebody???? Qualify the emotional connection, see how much I mattered to the other person....grieve the loss of the emotional connection if there really was one at all or if it was one sided and imaginary....

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You know.. this "NO CONTACT" advise is really being abused too much. One of the downside of "NO CONTACT" is that it will act as a "confirmation to the dumpter that the dumpee really doesn't give crap about anything and that he/she has made the right decision to start with."

 

Anyways, back to OP question. Yes it's usually pre-planned and at the right moment it will be acted upon. If you have no clues all along, such as fights and arguments, then that is the reason you were dumped - that you are a clueless person and he hated that all along.

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Well, maybe he had spent time trying to deal with it / accept your paranoia issues on his own. Just because it's only just come to light as a topic of conversation in your relationship, does not mean it has bothered him for quite some time.

 

Does not mean your relationship was a scam, maybe he thought it was worth trying to accept the issue, despite him having doubts, but in the end, it just got to be too much.

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You know.. this "NO CONTACT" advise is really being abused too much. One of the downside of "NO CONTACT" is that it will act as a "confirmation to the dumpter that the dumpee really doesn't give crap about anything and that he/she has made the right decision to start with."

 

Anyways, back to OP question. Yes it's usually pre-planned and at the right moment it will be acted upon. If you have no clues all along, such as fights and arguments, then that is the reason you were dumped - that you are a clueless person and he hated that all along.

 

I can see what you mean about the NC being abused too much. I think it all depends on how long you've been together and how the two of you react when you fight. ex: (does he always come back and contact u after a fight, or do you? Doesn't matter who's fault it is...)

 

To the OP, as a guy; yes I can say that we can deal with and live with certain issues for a long time and then eventually explode. If your break up is still really fresh, maybe you can try and contact him and tell him how you feel? You say he broke up with you in the heat of the argument, I've done that several times only regretting what I've done hours or days later. Give him a week of NC and start trying to initiate contact. Depending on his maturity level, he will eventually speak to you about it. I've never really heard of sudden "REAL" breakups. It's usually a long process...

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NC should be used only if you really really mean it and not as a charade to emotionally lure the guy/gal back.

 

Taking time off to cool things down is necessary after a fight and "breakup". As pg13 said, try to contact him and tell him how you feel about what went wrong. Don't let him get away so easily. Show that you can work together.. and fight the last fight. In the end, there won't be any regrets for either of you if things really match.

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I agree with the above posters, I think a break-up is almost always something that was pre-planned. You don't just decide you don't want to be with somebody you care about overnight. Also, how long have you guys been together if you don't mind me asking? Because I honestly think it is very cowardly of him to end it over the phone.

 

My policy is to do it in person and give the person some closure in a calm state of mind. It's easy to run away from those things and do it over the phone, but is it hurts like hell. But in the long run I think you are better off without this guy. If he doesn't have the balls (I apologize for my language) to do in person and then decides to turn it around on you, then you should just move on, you are a better person than that and don't need to put up with that crap. Good luck

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Thank you all for the comments, opinions and advice- once again this forum comes through for me like my own coterie of therapists!

 

I just heard from a mutual friend that he is having a hard time and and possibly regrets his decision. That makes it a little easier for me to approach him again. I don't want to give up- I think people give up too easily in relationships- but sometimes there is only so much you can do. Always come from love, always, that's the best you can do.

 

I think NC gets connected with "luring them back" because of the pain and the hope that still lingers. I know that it is best used as a time apart to heal and re-focus, for both parties.

 

I personally don't think I was "clueless" although I am sure this happens. You start to get a sense that they are either feeling your vibe that things aren't right or you get a vine from them- looking back, I did get that vibe and I'm sure he got mine. The night the argument happened and he broke it off we were supposed to talk about some of my issues that I had been mistakenly projecting onto him. So it was sudden in the sense that it wasn't like I was pulling the same drama over and over again, working it out and then pulling it again.

 

 

I will talk to him and give it another shot. I want to be strong though- not hard or cold- but not confused or hurt and on the verge of tears. I want to be ok if he does not want to give it another shot though- and that is what NC is good for , IMO.

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Amystar- We were together over a year (not long but long enough). Yes, it was very unfortunate that it happened over the phone. Going through an emotionally abusive relationship in the past, I have to struggle with behaviors that are acceptable to me and not acceptable and that are forgivable and not forgivable. I have to ensure that I am not shortchanging myself for someone else. There are things that are "deal breakers" and there are things that I can look at after my anger has subsided and forgive. Funny- if we were together a shorter period of time it would be easier for me to look at that behavior ("tele-dumping") as a "deal breaker" and just wipe him away like a crumb on the table. Harder when its been a longer time together...but I totally understand your reasoning, I'm still trying to forgive that one.

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Well said Wandererlust.. well said. I'm a guy and I personally think "teledumping" is an act of total disrespect no matter what the circumstance, and you giving him the benefit of doubt speaks volume on your character and utmost level of maturity in dealing with a this relationship. I hope he's man enough to clarify his position. Good luck.

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hi, i am in a similar situation as you. you wrote in my thread too yesterday.

 

i think he was not 100% firm in his request for break up, it was emotions making him do that. i strongly feel that there is chance for a patch up in your case.

 

meanwhile, to cope with the sadness, i highly recommend the book " when anger hurts" by matthew mckay, peter rogers. you will benefit from this book for life, i regret i didn't read about this earlier on, it would have helped myself and my relationship. althought the word anger is used here, it actually applies to all negative emotions. it really opens up my mind. issues that i thought i was right was actually me being selfish.

 

i wish you all the best.

( my bf is still ignoring me, but i don't give up yet. i am now giving him time and space and hope for him to turn around. meanwhile reading to build myself up. if i don't solve this problem , it will happen again. )

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You know.. this "NO CONTACT" advise is really being abused too much. One of the downside of "NO CONTACT" is that it will act as a "confirmation to the dumpter that the dumpee really doesn't give crap about anything and that he/she has made the right decision to start with."

 

I see what you are getting at...however the dumper is usually just relieved to be out of a poor relationship and so he/she could care less about what the dumpee does.

The dumpee NEVER does themselves any favors by pursuing.

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yeah they are usually planning it before hand, and it seems sudden to us because they put up a front and pretend to be happy, luring you into a false sense of security. They are too scared to tell us they want out so they wait for an opportunity, hence why some of us get dumped and it's triggered by something very pathetic and unimportant (e..g you didn't answer the phone and I'm sick of it, you're dumped)

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Yes, I agree that the dumper is way ahead of the dumpee in the planning process. There are usually signs though, although we may choose to ignore them...

 

That doesn't necessarily mean it hurts them any less, unless they have someone else and that's a whole different ball game!

 

Anyway, if someone says you are 'paranoid', that usually means THEY are the one with a problem, unless you have been medically certified..so what did they mean there...?

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I remember me and my ex were going through a rough patch in our first month (after being very close friends for four months prior). Let me also mention the relationship was LDR. Two weeks we didn't talk as much because I was applying for college. A couple of days after our one month (I sent her a dozen roses) was Super Bowl Sunday. Granted its not a holiday but she knew I wasn't enjoying it. She said the four words "we need to talk" and told me she couldn't be with me because it hurt to much being so far apart. However she said we where breaking up "temporarily" until I came to see her for the summer. Next two weeks we talk as normal but not so deeply. She goes to PA to see family and ends up seeing another guy she met around the same time I met her. I already knew they had been talking but never expected anything like that. I caught her and she, at first, had nothing to say. Apologized later but then got angry at me for asking questions. I ended up with more questions then answers but even if I did know why it probably wouldn't make me feel any better. Sometimes as much as you don't want it your better off.

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