finding balance a difficult thing ...but finding it key to my healing, accepting moving on, etc

[canali]

More and more i'm finding a balanced approach to my healing the best way to really get on track.

 

an interesting and related link below on healing and touches upon a balanced approach, too...especially points #7and #8...

 

link removed

 

like many of us i was in the earlier stages too stuck in the pity party...while we all read about the importance of ''getting out there'' and ''being good to ourselves'', I think we can too easily stay immersed sometimes masochistically in our grief....being really good to ourselves isn't something we're used to doing when feeling pain...seems almost unnatural even.

 

well no more...

 

what I know NOW, if I were to go back months ago, just what does balance look like?

..being BOTH GENTLE with myself (I would still have grieved, come on here to the 'healing' forum and kavetch and compare my wounds to others, read the many self help books, etc).

 

Yet ALSO on the other hand I would have have been more FIRM, too, and pushed myself a bit to the OTHER but equally important side of healing: and that's reconnecting with my strengths and affirmation of life, too in the ways outlined above (spas, retreats, travel, wardrobe, taking up new classes hobbies etc are all here, too, in this latter group)....maybe also given myself more scheduled 'timeouts' when I can ''feel'' certain things to really let loose.

That's a tough gig, I know, too: but sometimes we can stay IMO too immersed for too long in our sorrow and rage, too....again it's about balance.

 

And I would have been more like, 'hey 'j', today sure you're going to feel crappy, and might even have a good cry in the day to let some pressure of jrejection, broken dreams and anager out..but you're ALSO going to go out and watch a funny movie with or without a friend...or if you need company you WILL go out with a link removed movie group or any other groups out there (instead of sit in and watch ''the breakup''....sheesh!!)...

 

...or you're going to call that friend back east you haven't spoken with for months (instead of avoiding such)

 

...or you're going to read some different reading material, i,e an interesting book on the history of food, or some humour (many great writers out there) or on art or go and hang out at a bookstore and buy some reading material that will nurture you in OTHER parts of your life ..whatever (or some fiction) instead of the endless selfhelp books on relationships and why you're a broken hearted and an emotional mess.

 

..or instead of always coming on here like an addict you'll balance things out and also go onto other sites that deal with some other subject matter, ie, money investing, geography, a book club...or visit the happiness blog ....dilbert...etc?

 

balance....basically about reprogramming my brain and emotions to also move to the other side of life: not just about pain relief but being willing to embrace JOY again ...i guess it's about realizing more and more that confidence comes AFTER an effort taken, NOT BEFORE.

 

some of my biggest essons learned: that social supports and stimulation are for me KEY to moving forward ...in moving to the opposite side of what my emotions would out of a ''bad habit'' normally have I would do: to now make contact instead of retreat; to now take a chance instead of withdraw to feeling depressed.

 

so this week have signed up for mtn bike lessons with an xc pro rider (group setting hoping to make some friends) and am actively searching for a baseball team too (a bit late but will even settle for coop slow pitch just to hang and have some fun)....and this weekend am going on a 3 day retreat to vipassana meditation at UBC....and am visiting my yoga class more too...luckily. My yoga center is spa like so after a lesson we'll often sit in sauna and share stuff, ie, our journeys, or work, or clubs or whatever...very communal.

 

...to all those who ''get it'' I so admire your courage!..congrats...i'm finally starting to wake up and smell the coffee.

 

thoughts? ...

[canali]

My CBT person last year would have kissed your butt! To her what you are doing is embracing uncertainty ie in "daring" yourself to step into the unknown outside of our comfort zone? ...I salute you!

 

IMO your attitude is SO cool precisely because it also takes ALOT of effort.

 

Sort of backs up too some affirmations I've heard from leaders of the self help movement...ie act like the person you want to be....

and take more chances in order to

heal and change and to grow..

 

questions: how has it changed you? Has it helped with your healing?

 

PS 'canali' btw is the name of one of my favourite lines of designer men's wear: right up there with Zegna (designer Italian threads!, lol!)

 

Thanks for your great imput!

[ScorpiGal83]

that's actually really good advice.. DED!!

 

And I AM doing things differently... I'm working out a whole lot, going out, meeting ppl and making new friends, even bought some new clothes and going to buy even more.. I wanna wear high-waisted pants to work and I now have the figure to pull it off!

 

Changing the routine is a great way to stimulate your mind and keep it from festering with thoughts of the past... living a stagnated life isn't any good for your spirit, soul, and body.

[aglaia]

hey shuttlefish reading about your DED suggestion made me smile, and I feel even a little excited at the prospect that so much more can be done to switch my routine around and change my life... bless you.

[canali]

And maybe its this sort of swinging the pendulum the other way that we all need because when we are hurting we can become very myopic: our whole sense of creativity and options break down....so at the very least this shake up and risk taking moves us away from this habitually visited negative

zone where it can be so easy to stay sad or angry or depressed....moving to the other side of the emotional and cognitive spectrum gets us moving back towards living again..I can only stay in the muck for so long before I wish to hang myself figuratively speaking.

[journeynow]

canali and shuttlefish,

 

I'm glad you shared this. I've been doing similar, trying new things just for the heck of it (not prejudging whether it's for me or not), getting involved in more things, or changing how I do things. (I went to a Kirtan this past weekend! Never heard of one before; it was uplifting.) Changing routine, rewiring the brain, whatever it is, it is a helpful process in stepping away from the old life, and the old thoughts.

[jerigirl]

First post here. Been reading a while but registered to see links. Boy, am I glad I did!

 

Want to thank Canali for that link (I ordered the book from that site! THANK YOU!) and Shuttlefish for DED concept. I love it. THANK YOU.

 

Will post more later. Right now I want to read, read, read. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.

 

Jeri

 

 

[canali]

just thought, too:

 

why do we stay so immersed so long in our 'repair' zones of anger and depression....maybe not instead try to move outward and do other things to find JOY because these sorts of more positive immersions and distractions (joy, happiness, humour) can be just healing (perhaps even more so) to getting back on track...over all it's about engaging more in both zones.

 

Then I thought today: why not when we're thinking of our ex (when missing them or beating ourselves up) to engage in more balanced thinking, too when remembering them or us?

 

Say we're in ''missing them'' mode for instance (usually selective memories! ie, remembering the good--at the beginning/middle--but seldom remembering how it was at the end when it was going to hell) amd so we remember how ''good they were to us'' or how ''we clicked so well'' right?

 

Wwll why not TRY afterwords to balance those thoughts and memories equally recalling CRAPPY TIMES when they were moody?....or when they were rude to us or someone else?... or when they were disrespectful?...or selfish and demanding?...or when they closed down and didn't want to resolve things/discuss issues?....get my point?

 

I can think of all the great times that the ex and I had (etc) and from there start to quickly emotionally go down the pipes if I don't apply perspective (balance) and remember that our last time together on a 2 wk trip down the coast was ''the trip from hell'' and we had both shut down completely and later she didn't wish to talk and resolve things then I can't do much, can I?

 

On that trip, despite being with 'my lover' I had never felt so lonely and unloved at periods, too....I only wish that we all had a photo album showing all the bad memories and when we looked miserable as much as we have the ''happy'' pics...looking at both equally would provide a good dose of sobering reality wouldn't it?

 

Or when she was moody to me and wanted things her way or was unwilling to take responsiblity for her ''stuff'' (we all have stuff right)?

 

OR applied in another instance, how about taking our power back and remembering HOW GOOD WE ACTED instead of the many regrets we all have of ''how we could have done things differently'' (i was bad for this...the ''if onlys...'') how about remembering those times when we were also really caring and went the extra distance? ...or when we were very loving and they appreciated it...or when we were there for them in times of stress?

 

Get my point?

 

Healing to me is also paying attention to our emotional zones of anger and sadness, within which we can stay and ruminate too long. ...'tis about striving for balance in both what we think/feel/remember to try to keep things in perspective and continue to move forward.

 

So in short in addition to getting out there and forcing DED (do everything differently) as shuttlefish suggested) how about applying this concept, too, to our memories and thoughts when thinking and remembering 'the good times' times with the ex?...if we're going to spend 10 minutes feeling horrible, how about trying to TRY to spend an equal amount of time in the opposite emotional places (above) to get back perspective too?

 

I mean if we're constantly beating either ourselves or the ex up and get angry and or depressed from such, that's not perspective is it? Relationship often for a variety of reasons (timing, people change, just time to end it, differences etc etc) dont' work out the way we want, so we learn from it and improve going forward.

 

and to me I'm finding balance/perspective to be a key concept to help me get to a better place.

 

just some thoughts and stategies.

 

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

 

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Last edited by canali; Today at 01:03 PM.

[journeynow]

?...if we're going to spend 10 minutes feeling horrible, how about trying to TRY to spend an equal amount of time in the opposite emotional places (above) to get back perspective too? (another quote from OP)

 

I love this idea! - great way to seek balance.

 

I like this idea, too. At some point, we will reach equilibrium again. A new normal.

[journeynow]

Yes, please do!

 

I first heard it from a twinless twins group (support group for people whose twin has died, as mine did) but it fits for all of us here.