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A mind at unrest- have a boyfriend but a thing for someone else


Jlizzy

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I'm with my boyfriend over a year now. It's the best relationship I've had in that we're very good friends, he's good to me in many sweet ways and our relationship is the calmest, most chilled, least tumulteous I've ever had. (I married a control freak/emotional blackmailer and approx 2 years after our divorce I had a year long relationship with another man full of issues whom I look back at now and think what on earth was I doing spending a full year with the guy (I was clinging on to dreams of reviving our first two months which were truly special). So yes admittedly my history as regards to relationships is not top notch. Then again who's is? And for anyone who wishes to argue that I still carry problems/baggage...seriously I don't...

 

I wonder though to myself, I love my boyfriend but I often feel there are fundamental things missing that I need and long for like an intimacy/closeness on a physical level -he's not a very touchy feely, cuddly, sensitive person at all and then secondly conversations...I feel these are primarily centered around his life and I feel stuck sometimes for an ability to speak my own mind and passions, dreams and desires...

 

My mind longs for something more passionate even be it a little more tumulteous, I could handle that. Now here's the catch....I don't see anyone better than my boyfriend out there bar one person on this planet...a former lecturer of mine (I'm still in college with another 2 years to complete my undergrad). I have a major thing for him spanning close to 2 years now and I have reason to believe it goes both ways due to many words, moments and actions spread out over time....

 

I'm stuck in a horrible horrible cycle where I tell myself to get over it, move on, it's not feasible only to have some fleeting moment occur, a meeting, a quick chat and then my mind goes off on one again and I think, and think and start to act like a silly child if I see him...

 

Last week I was telling myself to let it go and I had put my mind to some ease and hadn't seen him around anymore for a while...then we ended up in teamsports together at the end of the week...twice in one game he planted his hands on my waist....(we're talking football here not basketball, wrestling or rugby). I feel like I could go crazy...the internal dialogue is starting all over again -all the reasons why I like him, why I think he likes me, all the dreams of what if and justifications for why it wouldn't be a problem now that he's no longer my lecturer...only to be followed by all the reasons why it's unfeasible...

 

Someone please help me to put this mind at rest.

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I think you should let your boyfriend go and look for someone that you are fully in love with. It may be this other man or it may be someone else. But your boyfriend deserves to have someone who loves him as he should be loved and isn't basically settling for him for fear of not finding someone better.

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I had the SAME feelings. I actually posted about it here and people helped me realize that if I went off trying to find something else to fill that ONE section that I felt was missing, I would be losing all the other things I loved about my boyfriend. And that was not something I wanted.

 

It's the 80/20 rule. Your BF has 80% of what you want. You are longing to find that other 20%. But if you go off looking, all you are left with is 20% of what you want.

 

Also, it's possible that communicating with him can bring some of those things you are hoping for into your relationship. My boyfriend used to be very hesitant with affectionate contact. He just had never done it, it's not something he saw growing up, etc. But I talked to him about it, demonstrated what I would like, and now I can't get him to stop doing those little things. Try working on it together.

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  • 8 months later...

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