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Need advice: if you had one last chance..


TryingHard
How to leave an abusive relationshi...
How to leave an abusive relationship and why it's so hard

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I'm not sure if this should be in the relationship commitment forum, long distance relation forum, or this one. But here's my story and I could really use some advice:

 

I've been dating this girl for about 7 months. I just moved to her town for school. She finishes her program in a month and will be moving. I finish mine at the end of July and was planning on moving back to my home state (about 400 miles away).

 

Our relationship was great for the first couple of months. We had fun. She loved how caring I was, how much stuff I planned for us, and how much attention I gave her.

 

She would tell me how much she loved me, how she wanted to marry me, and how she wanted to have kids together. I loved hearing her say that. It made me feel so alive. That's when I started worrying about our impending future where we would have to move apart.

 

I started secretly searching for jobs in her city. My field is one where it takes time to find a job. The more I searched for jobs, the less fun I had with her. I often felt like I was working so hard for us and she wouldn't do anything in the least for me or our relationship. She never planned anything for us. We got into a lot of fights. I guess resentment had set in.

 

When she finally found out I was interviewing her hometown, she was so excited. She told me how wonderful I was. She told me that she would do anything for me. Over the past few months I've driven to her town on several interviews. We've had our fights in between. After each of our fights, it was always me going to her to apologize.. even if she was in the wrong. She knows how vulnerable I am without her. Part of that is because I'm pretty lonely in this area. Atleast I'll only be here for 2 more months.

 

I've tried being very independent the past couple of days. I came over to her place yesterday to borrow something. We had plans to get burritos that night. When I was there, she had a weird look to her like something was on her mind. I asked what's on her mind.

 

She said: You can move to my hometown if you want. But I don't want you to move there for me.

 

I joked and asked her if she wanted to make out.

 

She laughed and said that we're not making out, we're breaking up.

 

That hurt so I left and told her I was going to run some errands. She told me the stores were closed and asked if I still wanted to get dinner. I said sure.

 

I left and just drove around. She texted me 15 minutes later and still wanted to get some food.

 

We started talking during the drive. I told her I'm actually agreed that I should move back home. I told her that all this effort for the past 4 months and the fighting associated with it was just an exercise in futility. I told her that the odds were always against us and that I was trying to fight the impossible.

 

I asked her if she felt the same sense of relief. She said no. She is scared about the future. She is scared because she doesn't have many friends back in her hometown. She said that she's scared for me not to be in her life, and scared for me to be in it at the same time.

 

I said that I'm relieved that we finally decided that it would be best for me to move back. I have a lot of friends back home and won't be lonely like I am in our current city.

 

We decided to try long distance.

 

But I wonder if she only wants to do long distance to make it an easy way to breakup in the future. I wonder if she figures it'll help both of us transition to the next phase in our respective lives.

 

At the burrito place she held my hand and told me she loved me. We went back to her place and hooked up. I couldn't sleep very well.. I got a lot of anxiety at the thought of having to sleep without her by my side in the near future. I almost threw up.

 

So bottom lines:

-I have less than a month left with this girl in our current city.

-It's pathetic of me, but I almost hope she'll experience how lonely the real world can be when she moves. Maybe then she'll appreciate me more.

 

Can anyone help me? What should I do? Treat this like we're broken up? Go into full no contact? Try to sweep her off her feet for the next few weeks to try and erase some of the bad times and leave her with a good taste of me?

 

I know a lot of you all have already been broken up with. What would you do if you had one last chance?

 

Thanks for reading all this.

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I don't want to sound cynical but she sounds very young - and apparently is. Her behavior is not normal and should not be rewarded with attention.

 

I would consider your life and where you want to be. If you'd like to move for her, and get a job to make her happy and then have her become unstable and "fearful" and leave you out to dry then you are on the right track.

 

I just have a feeling she is too young for any kind of commitment and she will end up "ending" it at some point anyway.

 

Sorry for being so blunt.

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Thank you Brad. Other people have told me she's acting young and immature. She's 25 and I'm 27. Another thing is I work a boring 9-5 all day and she goes to school and sees all her good friends everyday.

 

 

I do want to be fair though- I've picked alot of fights over the past few months. Maybe the rubber band finally broke. She's told me numerous times that I've been the sweetest boyfriend that has done more for her than all her previous boyfriends combined. She said I've also caused the most turmoil.

 

It felt like I lost alot of power in the relationship when I told her I wanted to move with her.

 

As far as moving, she's already said she doesn't want me to move to be with her. I had already come to that conclusion, but she beat me to the punch.

 

I might be kidding myself, but I still think there's a chance of her hating life back home and then wanting me even more when I've moved back to my home. Maybe she'll realize what she had.

 

I told her we won't have to see each other every other weekend. I said once a month would be great. We both work 4 day work weeks. She said she would come see me and might come in July when I first move away for July 4th.

 

So what do I do for the next month before she moves away? Be the super-sweet guy or wean off of her? Keep in mind we're not broken up right now.

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You need 2 people who are interested in making it work. You have been together plenty long enough to develop a big enough bond. My ex and I were together for 2 months before we spent 4-1/2 years in a long distance relationship. We could only see each other once a month until I started coming to her city in the summers (I'm in school working on a PhD). So I can tell you it is doable, but if she isn't into it, you can't force her. I'll tell you the resentment for putting more effort into a relationship will come to bite you later. I did the same and ended up getting into too many arguments about it. So I'd keep that as a red flag.

 

I'm a little confused, I thought you said you were going to school with her in the first part of the thread and later you say you work a 9-5. I guess regardless, my ex worked a 9-5 for 3 of the years during our long distance relationship. That didn't really matter.

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Longdist,

Thank you for your reply. Your name makes you sound like an expert. I am in residency program that ends at the end of June. I consider that my job, as opposed to still being a student.

 

As far as having 2 people that are interested in making it work- don't you think if I dedicate the rest of our time together to sweeping her off her feet, keeping our relationship light/casual/fun, and winning her heart over that will help our odds of being together in the future much better?

 

I willing to bet once she enters the real world she'll see how lonely it can be to come home to an empty apartment and will be much more willing to putting effort into us. That's why I mentioned the difference between being in school and working- the working world is alot lonelier than school.

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As far as having 2 people that are interested in making it work- don't you think if I dedicate the rest of our time together to sweeping her off her feet, keeping our relationship light/casual/fun, and winning her heart over that will help our odds of being together in the future much better?

 

I willing to bet once she enters the real world she'll see how lonely it can be to come home to an empty apartment and will be much more willing to putting effort into us. That's why I mentioned the difference between being in school and working- the working world is alot lonelier than school.

 

It could increase your odds of staying together, but she has to like you for you and not the things you do for her. I would say yes, though, you should see if you can keep it going for now. It takes time for some girls to develop a bond.

 

Well, you don't want her to stay with you because she's lonely... I'll just put that out there. Also, as I side note, I was always much lonlier than my ex (I was in school and she worked). As a PhD, it is much like the 9-5 job (similar to a residency). I had a single apt, while my ex had roomates. Roomates make a great difference. Anyhow, I digress. Also, you can make your life as fun as you want in school, or out.

 

As for being in a long distance relationship. Here is some advice I'll give you. You'll have to control jealousy (wanting to know what she's doing) during the first part. It will also hurt tremendously to say goodbye monthly after saying hello 2-3 days earlier. You'll build up emotional walls against each other. You will then eventually start to drift apart. I'm telling you this so you know what to watch out for. Always communicate. My ex and I talked on the phone for an hour every day (not at first). However, we still had a communication breakdown. Anyhow, good luck.

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It felt like I lost alot of power in the relationship when I told her I wanted to move with her.

 

.

 

Man, you lost (or gave away) most of your power long before she found out you were planning to move near her.

When will some of you guys learn how to date and hold women !!

 

Here is a clue to get you started-

Freud overlooked the obvious --What women want is a man who will NOT give her everything she wants .

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As far as having 2 people that are interested in making it work- don't you think if I dedicate the rest of our time together to sweeping her off her feet, keeping our relationship light/casual/fun, and winning her heart over that will help our odds of being together in the future much better?

 

 

.

 

OH, gawd, you are worse than I first thought. You have NO clue about women and relationships.

Listen to Uncle Jack here before you do something even more stupid.

 

Dude, when you were a little kid, did you ever have one of those simple computer games that you could soon beat every time? What happened then ?

How much longer did you want to play that game ? Yes, low interest level, right ? Didn't you then put it aside to gather dust?

 

So what did you do next? Thats right, you got yourself another game which was more challenging, more intriguing and more difficult.

 

You with me so far ?

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OziJack,

I understand what you are saying. And I would definitely operate like that if I had the luxury of time. Unfortunately, she's moving away at the end of May.

 

She's fallen in love with me

wanted me to move with her

we got into alot of fights

I finally made it so we could move together

 

Now she doesn't think she can be with me and thinks I should move back home but we've agreed to try long distance.

 

I would have no problem in trying to play it aloof/cool, but given the circumstances I think she would just call it quits at the end of next month.

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I would have no problem in trying to play it aloof/cool, but given the circumstances I think she would just call it quits at the end of next month.

 

 

So what do you think that you can do to solve this?

This woman is resentful of some of your actions and her attraction for you has fallen.

How do I know ? Because she is not all gaga about you moving near her.

 

YOu have a relationship in decay and you mostly caused that by being needy and clingy and letting her know that your happiness DEPENDS on being with her.

 

Women are often strongly attracted to men who WANT them in a passionate way, but are repulsed by men who NEED them.

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So what would you have me do?

 

Only speak to her when she contacts me?

 

Institute a full no contact even though we're technically together?

 

I came over to her place last night. She was looking at apartments on craigslist for her new town. Her dad recommended her living at home. She asked my advice on it. I told her I just wanted her to do what makes her happy and kept it light. Didn't she realize that would hurt my feelings though? I know I made it seem to her that I agreed I should move back to my town, but that was to try and save face.

 

I was also talking to her roommate about how I loved my car but it's getting a bit too old and beat up. She interjected so "you love your car, but you aren't in love with your car."

 

I wonder if that was directed at me.

 

I was ready to fall asleep first for once. She kind of woke me up and said she wasn't tired. I woke up and tried to hook up with her and she said "let's wait til tomorrow, now I'm tired."

 

She then asked if it's true that guys will find other girls to hook up with if they don't get it at home. I told yes, but I'm not like that. She said "I know, you'd never cheat on your wife."

 

I wish she would have said "I know you would never cheat on me."

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