The longest hurt with the longest story

[SanctuaryMemry]

Well, I'm new here, directed by a friend. So, I hope I'm posting in the right forum. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or not, but I guess anything helps.

 

My story starts awhile ago, actually. I met this boy, Philip in the tenth grade, but he was dating my best friend, however, I had a big crush on him. Things happened, we dated a couple of different people along the way, and the next thing you know, I'm a freshman in college, and he's suddenly my boyfriend. A little before our one year anniversary, he proposes to me. And six months later, I'm dumped for no apparent reason, right before Christmas. I literally was coming home from work one night when I got a text message saying that if things didn't change, I'd be single, and the next morning, I was. Of course, three days later, after tons and tons of begging and promising that I'd do whatever he wanted of me, he took me back, only to dump me again on New Year's Eve. Even so, I'd apparently not had enough of his torture, and allowed him to take me out three weeks into January, where he thought that something could work out for us in the future. However, I refused to apologized to my ex-maid of honor, who had dropped out of my wedding because she was "jealous" I'd gotten engaged first, and therefore he found me to be "unchangeable", and since then has insisted I'm not worth it. I'm pretty sure he lets himself get pushed around by this other girl, because he's had a crush on her for a long time too, even before we were dating.

 

For a long time, he used her as an excuse as to why we couldn't get back together. Sucking up how I thought I wasn't in the wrong for not liking someone who was jealous of me for no reason (and who had even managed to manipulate my ex-fiance into letting her pick out the bridesmaid dresses and the colors of my wedding), I apologized to her, and got her permission to date my ex again, and now its just one excuse after another from him. For a long time, we've stopped talking completely, and I checked myself into therapy, because I absolutely could not stop crying or thinking about him.

 

With my "wedding" two non-existent months away, I've bumped into my ex-fiance at a concert last week. All of a sudden, any progress I thought I made in therapy has slipped away from me (I cry as I write this message). I tried a few days to not talk to him about seeing him there, but I couldn't help myself, and I spent two days confessing how I was still in love with him after our five months apart. Last night, I asked for my promise ring back (so I could sell it, but he doesn't know that part), because I know he'll never give back my engagement ring, and I don't feel like fighting court for it.

 

Is there a such thing as feeling better? I could sit and point out the bad things in our relationship. How I wasn't allowed to cut my hair, see my friends, had to change my major, couldn't pick out my clothes, wear make up, etc. But, I know the good things too, and the constant thought of the fact that I should be putting the final touches on a wedding right now, and getting ready to have children consumes me. Doesn't it ever get better? Do you ever love someone else? It isn't that I haven't tried to meet other boys, but every boy I do meet, all I can do is push them away as I sit there and try to find all the faulty similarities between them and Philip. I feel like he loves me and hates me, depending on the day. Or that, he won't admit that he still has feelings for me, because he's trying to be the "bigger man" (he admitted that wearing the chain I gave him for his birthday last year makes him feel awkward. To me, that kind of screams that he's holding something back. But maybe I just read too much into it?). Should I stop talking to him again? It's little things like this he does that makes me feel like he's only toying with my emotions, and I don't know how much more of it I can handle.

 

I'm sorry this has gotten way too long, there are so many more details I could throw into it, but I just feel like I'm at an absolute loss of where to move in my life.

[Xetra Dax]

The best thing you can do is cut him out of your life. Ask yourself the question, why did he dump you? The answer is because you are second rate. He is in love with this other girl and you are just miss rebound because he couldn't get her. This means you will always be treated like trash in the relationship, meaning that (i know it hurts) even tho you love him, you need to realise that love needs to go BOTH ways. But now love is only coming from your side. Meaning your should find someone worthwhile in your life who loves you and who you love back. Don't worry too much about the wedding etc, you wouldn't want to be with a person being miserable constantly all the time even tho your heart tells you you love him, its in the end destructive to your life in each and every single way, in that sense you need to learn not to invite a demon into your life, even tho you love that demon its no good. Bring an angel in your life instead and your life will improve a lot more trust me on that.

 

Second, your life is going way to rapidly, take it more slow, take time, read books about buddism and slow down. You don't want your life to be a rollercoaster that's going out of control, a train that moves steadily and stabily forwards is more like what you want to be. Calm down, cut him off, reasses your life, and move forward with a guy you can actually come along with.

 

Much better your health.