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Is he trying to do Jedi Mind Trick to get ME to dump him ?


VioletFig

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my boyfriend and i have been dating 4 months

im 31 , he is 40 in 5 weeks

 

our one dedicated night is saturday and out of the last 8 saturdays he has cancelled once, got sick once and took me home early and been late 4 times.

he even went to a party with old friends and left me at home and told me it would be just guys (turns out it was men women and their spouses)

the last two times he was late 2-3 hours

 

one event was for client meeting that was at black tie ball

 

and twice was because his ex wife was late to pick up their son.

his ex seems to have suddenly be contacting him more since she heard he has a new gf.

now she is involved in scouts with him and their son and it seems fishy that she is only late picking up their son on Saturdays.

he doesnt ever use babysitters for his son who is 10.

either him , his dad or his ex are with the son.

he has the money, thats not the issue.

 

well he has told me that yeah he understands its frustrating and maybe from now on i should go out into the city with my friends sometimes on saturdays and then he can meet me in the city later.

 

so instead of telling me he wants to try and see me more and wont be late he is excusing himself for future bad behavior.

 

my friends heard this and said it sound slike he is trying to blow me off in the future by telling me to go hang with friends on saturdays in the early evening........

 

that he wont look like the bad guy if he cancels from now on.

 

thoughts ?

we dont see each other during the week usually because he and i are so busy.

so saturday was our last happy night to hang onto......

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I think you need to move on to someone who has time for a proper relationship with you. It doesn't really matter what his intent is - he just isn't into the relationship enough to make time for you.

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You have posted a few threads and later deleted them regarding this bf and his ex wife.

End this relationship for your sanity.

 

 

I am not sure why you stay since you don't seem to have many positives to report. Trust me I know about bad relationships and staying in them, but there was always a positive keeping me there.

 

I wonder why you deleted the threads?

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Wow what a bummer. I agree with DN, time to move to a better relationship.

 

Hun this guy sounds like he is not all that interested in dating you. I mean, after so many kind-of-getting there dates you are still wondering where you stand? I don't thil that's right. Him telling you to meet him after your nights out with your girlfriends is a cop out. He might as well get himself a booty call.

 

He doesn't seem to value you or your time. Not good.

 

Look at it this way, if he was serious about dating you he would be looking for ways to see you and make time for you. He would be showing up, on time and treating you well. He is not treating you very well is he?

 

Next!

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I would break up with him. It seems like he just isn't into a relationship with you. Maybe he is feeling something with his ex wife. But instead of breaking up with you, he is blowing you off. Dump him.

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Wow what a bummer. I agree with DN, time to move to a better relationship.

 

Hun this guy sounds like he is not all that interested in dating you. I mean, after so many kind-of-getting there dates you are still wondering where you stand? I don't thil that's right. Him telling you to meet him after your nights out with your girlfriends is a cop out. He might as well get himself a booty call.

 

He doesn't seem to value you or your time. Not good.

 

Look at it this way, if he was serious about dating you he would be looking for ways to see you and make time for you. He would be showing up, on time and treating you well. He is not treating you very well is he?

 

Next!

 

WHat I don't understand is that he calls me every single night without fail and gets really upset if i ever miss his call and dont call him back.ive only had serious close boyfriends call no matter what every day

 

im thinking to go limited contact.

he is going on three biz trips over next 6 weeks

week long to france/nyc/cali (unless of course we have a swine flu pandemic!)

 

i should stop taking his calls every night and do exactly what he said

go out with my friends. the thing is that my single friends are all in other cities 1-2 hours away.

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I wonder why you deleted the threads?

 

because either his behavior changed momentarily or i was afraid posted too much personal info on story.

one of my platonic friends is on this board and i dont want him knowing so much. (he doesnt know im on here)

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because either his behavior changed momentarily or i was afraid posted too much personal info on story.

one of my platonic friends is on this board and i dont want him knowing so much. (he doesnt know im on here)

 

Ok. I just hope you aren't trying to "forget" the problems, you know? It's for the best to just move on.

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Sounds like you are the only one hanging on out of the two of you. Either move on or stop trying to accommodate him. I wouldn't be surprised if that ends the relationship by default.

 

True

But I guess I also know his behavior well

I think that if I start getting too busy to see him and stop taking his phone calls every night that he will be jerked out of his behavior and start being the man i adored temporarily.

And I see it as a repeating cycle I suppose.

I hate games !

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I dated a busy guy like this.

 

It took me a while to figure out he liked it the way it was. He was very busy and had kids from previous relationships and a 'big' job, and compartmentalized everything and kept it all separate.

 

I finally realized the pattern when i noticed he was pushing me later and later into the evening when he did show up, always with a work or kid excuse. I think he liked having me 'on tap' for sex, and like being able to call and get a little emotional warm fuzzy when he had a few free moments, but he really didn't want a full blown relationship that made a partner a priority in his life, or someone who made more than minimal demands on his time according to his own time schedule.

 

When i finally called his bluff he admitted he just was selfish and like to do what he wanted when he wanted and didn't want to be accountable to anybody or have the demands of a relationship/girlfriend fulltime. So he engineered the same kind of schedule with me that your boyfriend does with you in order to get his sexual needs met, but still have basically total freedom to come and go as he liked according to his own plans.

 

So i'm not sure limited contact would work if he is happy with limited contact. what will really get his attention is if you insist on a full date every time you see him... i.e., if he tries to push you back later on Saturdays, or wants to basically show up late for a booty call, then don't let him. If he calls to say he's going to be late, say fine, you have other plans and are going out if he can't keep his plans. And DON'T let him come over late just for sex at all. He has to spend at least 4 or 5 hours out of bed with you first, rather than showing up for a booty call.

 

Tell him if he can't start having real, full, normal dates with you, then he obviously doesn't have time to date, or he just doesn't want to make you a priority.

 

So basically don't give him all kind of freebies when you're not getting what you want out of it. If he cares about you, he'll start showing up and spending more time with you, but if he continues to say he 'can't', then for all intents and purposes, he's treating you like an on-call hooker for a late night saturday 'date' that is really more of a booty call. Tell him you're not interested in that. He'll claim it's not his intent, but really, if that's all he ever offers, it IS his intent.

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I

 

So basically don't give him all kind of freebies when you're not getting what you want out of it. If he cares about you, he'll start showing up and spending more time with you, but if he continues to say he 'can't', then for all intents and purposes, he's treating you like an on-call hooker for a late night saturday 'date' that is really more of a booty call. Tell him you're not interested in that. He'll claim it's not his intent, but really, if that's all he ever offers, it IS his intent.

I like your username and am thankful for your shared experience.

See the thing is is that he is clever enough to still either take me to dinner or a movie even when its very late before going

back to his house (i have roommates and he never stays at my place)

Like Saturday night was so bittersweet.

He took me exactly to a restaurant I wanted to go back to with him from one of our first romantic dates.

outside under lighted trees on a patio near a fountain

we had sangria and dinner and then went home and watched a long movie.

finally we had sex.

and he is always polite if i dont want to. never forced ... an dhe waited 14 dates before we did anything serious.

 

so its just very depressing that his overriding selfishness is what's winning out .... he has told me he is 'spoiled' and used to getting his way.

so there was some disconnect from being selfless and caring about me to just thinking about his own whims....

perhaps its because he is now on verge on fame and renewed fortune.

instead of taking me along on his journey as a great helpmate, funny and sexy easy going and dammit good looking counterpart he is marginalizing me into nothing but an once a week stopgap to being sexually unfulfilled.

 

i do know my worth but also know his.

it just sucks that he is more comfortable pandering to his own needs (make more money than god , be superdad to 'win' over his son from his ex)

 

im calmly processing this all, its just hard to make the final dramatic exit yet.

 

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I would try to talk to him before just breaking it off.

 

To be honest, if you're really important to him and he doesn't want to lose you, you could live together (or move close enough to see each other every night in the time he is home and along with his son. So to say he 'can't' see you just isn't valid.

 

But if he is really compartmentalizing his life and gives you a very short once a week Saturday night 'rotation' in his schedule, then you have to decide whether that is enough for you or not. That really is more casual dating than a relationship, no matter how he tries to cast it.

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HI I just broke up with him

I am a researcher by trade and have a iq of 162

too bad my emotional iq must be room temp

i decided to check out the whole black tie ball event

HE IS IN A PHOTO WITH HIS "CRAZY EX STALKER GF"

 

omg omfg

he told me that same night afterwards that he hadnt seen her in months

 

and now last saturday told me she has gotten even crazier since he wont go anywhere with her

 

 

LIAR

SOCIOPATH

 

Im drinking gin and calling all my wonderful girlfriends and my two best gays

 

thanks for the advice kids.

ill be fine

 

this is good

 

i dont want to breed or marry a sociopathic liar.

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Oh, i'm sorry but not surprised.

 

The guy I dated who was like this turned out to be a big womanizer, cheater, and liar. He'd come on strong in the beginning to get you hooked, then ramp back to a schedule that allowed him to date several women at once. Lots of phone talk, but not seeing him all that often.

 

And he had a 'crazy ex' too! I'm always suspicious of guys now who use that excuse. I think they set that up in advance in case you ever see a text on their phone or hear their phone ring and ask who it is.

 

Then he can just tell you 'oh, i'm not seeing her, she's just my crazy ex who's a stalker and won't accept it is over.' There are crazy stalkers out there, but i think some sociopathic cheaters have learned that is a useful excuse to use in advance to explain why a particular other woman they are dating might crop up now and again... instant alibi! the other woman is usually perfectly normal, and has no clue he is dating you or anyone else either.

 

The guy that did this to me had a wife, an ex-wife, a steady lover, and any other women he could squeeze in, all at the same time! He kept the wife on the hook by telling her he was working or traveling when he saw other women, the ex-wife he saw now and again (she had a husband of her own and was a cheater too), a steady lover who thought he was separated from his wife and had to go home every night to take care of his son, and miscellaneous women he'd tell he was divorced or separated, put on a big rush in the beginning, but only see now and again... a really busy and sociopathic guy for sure, but most of the busy-ness was juggling several women at once!

 

 

Regardless, you're better of without him. You want a regular boyfriend, not a womanizer!

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But don't let this make you bitter about men... only something like 5% of the population are sociopaths like this guy... you just have to hold them accountable and look at their behavior closely to weed the bad ones out... i have a policy now, no excuses!

 

If i start getting a lot of excuses for any guy disappearing, not showing up, cancelling, i just assume right off he's dating multiple women and/or married and lying about it and he gets dumped pronto! The only way to deal with a socipathic liar is to get them totally out of your life... they don't change.

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But don't let this make you bitter about men... only something like 5% of the population are sociopaths like this guy... you just have to hold them accountable and look at their behavior closely to weed the bad ones out... i have a policy now, no excuses!

 

If i start getting a lot of excuses for any guy disappearing, not showing up, cancelling, i just assume right off he's dating multiple women and/or married and lying about it and he gets dumped pronto! The only way to deal with a socipathic liar is to get them totally out of your life... they don't change.

 

Thanks for your great posts ! They were a blessing today.

I am lucky that Ive had 3 other great boyfriends and am still friends with them.

I really like most men.

Its just scary that there are real true blue narcissist sociopaths like my now exbf.

it chills me that he was sooooooo smooth.

i will never forget him telling me he had been alone that night at the ball without any female company and hadnt seen his 'crazy' exgf in months.

 

thats what stuns me.

 

 

 

anyway just talked with 10 friends, finished gin and now ate the best greasy broken heart meal ever.

cheesy bacon fries with whiz.

 

back on healthy eating tomorrow

 

hugs to you ! \\

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You'll do fine! Sometimes it is easier to get over a break up when you see someone's true colors, and they are so shocking you can't deny that they are better off gone.

 

btw, there's a really good book by Susan Forward called 'When Your Lover is a Liar' about people who do this kind of thing. You might find it an interesting read. There's a chapter in there about sociopathic liars. I read it and it chilled me because i recognized the guy i dated so clearly once i read that chapter!

 

Here's a link to a description of the book on link removed:

 

link removed

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You'll do fine! Sometimes it is easier to get over a break up when you see someone's true colors, and they are so shocking you can't deny that they are better off gone.

 

btw, there's a really good book by Susan Forward called 'When Your Lover is a Liar' about people who do this kind of thing. You might find it an interesting read. There's a chapter in there about sociopathic liars. I read it and it chilled me because i recognized the guy i dated so clearly once i read that chapter!

 

Here's a link to a description of the book on link removed:

 

link removed

 

 

Thanks for the link.

That really is what freaking me out now. The fact that he is purely a cold blooded heartless predator.

A cool friend sent me this link:

 

im under 40 but it applies to anyone dating.....

 

link removed

 

again, all the best to you.

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hey - i'm sorry to hear about this guy, but i'm really glad that you seem to be taking it well. i agree with LD about the 'crazy ex-gf' speech. if she were THAT crazy, he would have filed a restraining order, blocked her number, etc..... instead of somehow winding up in photos with her at a black tie event. eeesh. what a liar. forget him and his lying ways. better to find out now than 3 kids down the road....

 

hugs

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hey - i'm sorry to hear about this guy, but i'm really glad that you seem to be taking it well. i agree with LD about the 'crazy ex-gf' speech. if she were THAT crazy, he would have filed a restraining order, blocked her number, etc..... instead of somehow winding up in photos with her at a black tie event. eeesh. what a liar. forget him and his lying ways. better to find out now than 3 kids down the road....

 

hugs

 

 

damn you twitter damn you

I forgot to remove him from Twitter list.

I have now, but not before seeing an update that he just got all the financing he needed for a huge entertainment project.

So this monster will end up super rich and probably famous.

I just liked him for him. The pretend him I guess you would say.

Its just hard to process this all when he's on a path to being a winner.

](*,)

 

I will make it thru. Just trying to keep my thoughts preoccupied.

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