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NC for 18 days, ex-gf keeps trying to contact me.


BCR88

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Hello everyone,

 

I have been in NC since the last time I met my ex @ her place, that's exactly 18 days ago,she broke up with me 3 months ago after having a 4.5 years relationship.

 

I decided to go NC after that day because I noticed that staying around her wouldn't bring me anything than pain. I have done strict NC, but I haven't blocked her on MSN. This week she has tried to contact me 3 times on MSN and I just keep ignoring it. Right now she is contacting me again... this time she sounds a bit pissed, asking what's going on, why I am not answering anymore.. telling me that I am online, so she knows I am there but not answering..

 

Really don't know what to do right now.. I was thinking of sending her an email tomorrow just telling that it's better if she doesn't contact me again, something in that direction. any suggestions?

 

I don't want to answer on MSN because that would bring me to day 1 of NC again, but I think a extreme short email would be good.. or shall I just ignore it all and don't answer at all? even no email?

 

I love her alot, and would like to get back with her, but I don't want to be friendonized. It's all or nothing.

 

Thanks in advance!

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I am thinking of sending this to her:

 

"Hey,

 

I don't think it's good that you keep contacting me. It's the best if we both go our own way without being in touch.

 

I wish you the best,

 

 

--------

 

Any thoughts?

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I am thinking of sending this to her:

 

"Hey,

 

I don't think it's good that you keep contacting me. It's the best if we both go our own way without being in touch.

 

I wish you the best,

 

 

--------

 

Any thoughts?

 

I would take that as a final goodbye. I mean a forever final goodbye.

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I would take that as a final goodbye. I mean a forever final goodbye.

 

Uhmmm... you make me doubt, but I just simply don't want to be her friend, I just can't. I can't fake a friendship when I feel more than that. It makes it impossible for me to move on. Everytime we have met as "just friends" we ended up kissing, hugging, laying on bed for hours, I could even have sex with her, but I refused.

I don't want to be her doormat and slow her fall. She has to feel the consequences of not being with me.

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For this one I have to agree with Ready2Heal, a simple message with what you said, "I love her alot, and would like to get back with her, but I don't want to be friendonized. It's all or nothing."

 

Then back off until she either says she wants it all or tells you to pound sand.

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For this one I have to agree with Ready2Heal, a simple message with what you said, "I love her alot, and would like to get back with her, but I don't want to be friendonized. It's all or nothing."

 

Then back off until she either says she wants it all or tells you to pound sand.

 

Wouldn't that be forcing? I only want her to come back by her OWN. I don't want to force ANYTHING. Makes no sense for me to force her to make a decission which I know she already took. Besides, I once initiated talk about "us" after some weeks and she clearly said she thought it was clear..

 

I know she will feel terrible after I respond, she once told me she would be very sad if we had not contact anymore.

Everytime we would chat, 75% was flirty, and sometimes even with questions like: "Do you still wear my XXL sweater? Does it makes you think about me? Things like that... everytime she thought she could be loosing me, she gave me some leftovers and when she knew I was still there for her, It would take another 5-6 days to hear from her. After every weekend she would ask what I did during the weekend, if I went out etc etc.. She keeps looking EVERYDAY on my facebook/myspace even I haven't posted for the last 3 weeks ( got a program that counts visits and registers IP's and I happen to know her IP)

 

I guess she just wants to keep me around, and now she sees I have been in NC for almost 3 weeks and starts to feel that she is loosing control on me.

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You're not forcing anything. You're making boundaries for yourself for her to respect. You're simply telling her that you are not able to be friends after sharing an intimate relationship. She has to make her own decisions.

 

All the rest (chatting) is just playful 'friendship' crap. You're being kept around for who knows what... back-up, friend, someone to whine to, doormat, whatever... It shouldn't matter to you. If it's not a relationship in which she is willing to work on you're not interested. She may not want a relationship either... you'll need to accept this, stick to your guns, and move on.

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She broke up with me because she fell out of love...out of the blue, I had to pull it out her mouth because she didn't dare to take that step. She loved me, but not enough to stay with me.. Also, a very important point, she was just 15 when she started with me, I was 16. I am 21 now and soon she will be 20. Probarly the GIGS, she is young, wants to be free, no one to check in with and she probarly thought: "This is it?"

 

Our relationship was already shaky for a while, 6 months before the breakup she wanted to break up after a big fight but we stayed together and the upcoming months were VERY good, in december it all got bit shaky again. During Xmas it was all good again but she was a bit distant, 9 januari I talked to her about "us" and I wanted her to be honest about how she felt, first she said it was going good etc.. but after I kept insisting to be honest, she said she wanted to break up.

 

Back to the thread, I have been taking some of your advice and I changed my mail a bit. It should sound less "bye forever" I hope.

 

"Dear N,

 

I don't think it's good that you keep trying to contact me. I am sorry to tell, but after our intimate relationship it’s impossible for me to remain friends. Therefore it's the best if we both go our own way without being in touch.

 

I wish you all the best,"

 

Does this sounds better? I think this way I am only closing the "friendship"door, and not the relationship door.

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Your proposed email is very final as in, "goodbye".

 

Simply adding "only" in the following spot changes the whole perspective.

 

"Dear N,

 

I don't think it's good that you keep trying to contact me. I am sorry to tell, but after our intimate relationship it’s impossible for me to remain only friends. Therefore it's the best if we both go our own way without being in touch.

 

I wish you all the best,"

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But if your girlfriend doesn't want to be in a relationship with you right now and the friendship is hurting you then perhaps it should be final.

 

I am in the same position as you. My ex-boyfriend ended our relationship but wanted to stay friends. The friends thing has gone on for 8 months but the contact has just prolonged my agony. I sent a text on saturday ending our friendship. And yes I said "Goodbye" making it final. I want him back but if he doesn't want to come back then as far as I am concerned it has to be goodbye now. My last two final words were "love u". Therefore, he knows my true feelings. If he wanted to come back he knows he could. The ball is in his court - if I don't hear from him then I will know it is truly over and there is nothing left for me to do but move on. I don't want to just be friends anymore. It is hurting too much. I need to move on. I guess thats how you feel right now.

 

Your gf is obviously confused. Let her know that you love her and want to be with her but that you can't be just friends as it hurts too much. If she wants to move on then she has to let you move on too but the main thing is she knows you love her and would take her back. Then go back to NC to give yourselves the time and space you both need to evaluate your relationship. She will only know if she misses you if you are not there.

 

I have to agree with IMAbadman on the above tho. Putting only in that sentence changes the whole approach.

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IMAbadman,

 

I think we got a deal Thanks! It sounds much better now by just adding that word! It doesn't sounds needy at all and I kinda leave the ball on her court. After that I will simply go on NC again, even if it means forever. I have done it 18 days, I could do it for the rest of my life.

 

Jellybaby41 - I am sorry to hear that you were in a similar situation for 8 months. - Believe me, I would love to tell her my true feelings, but I don't want to sound weak and since I know it won't help, I won't do it.

 

This new adjusted e-mail with the word "only" should be enough. It keeps my pride high and it tells her in other words that the only thing I am interested in is a relationship.

 

I will keep the email ready for 1 more day and if I still think the same, I will send it. I don't want to make any move that I might regret.

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Don't send Anything and block her on msn.

 

My ex text me today after 20 days nc, j just deleted it and went on with my day. Actions speak louder than words.

 

What are your actions saying... that you never want to see or talk to her again?

 

That's what you told her.

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What are your actions saying... that you never want to see or talk to her again?

 

That's what you told her.

 

True..Actions speak louder than words! I mean, I did the same by not responding. I ignored her last 2 calls (been ~9-10months NC since then) because it wasn't important...sure, I wanted her back AND she knew this! It didn't mean that I had forgotten her, didn't love her anymore, or never wanted to see/talk to her again. It just meant that, I could no longer put myself through the pain while she was stringing me along. If she interpreted it as, I never want to talk to her again than that is HER problem.

 

Now, I think what struggling23 meant was...that message meant NOTHING and wasn't important enough to respond to. Struggling, would've probably acknowledged the message if it was important. Struggling23, correct me if I am wrong?

 

So many cases are different and I understand where you are coming from, badman.

 

gee

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What are your actions saying... that you never want to see or talk to her again?

 

That's what you told her.

 

I agree but then again perhaps that is what he is trying to say.

 

A lot of people see NC as a means of getting their exes back (tho this is by no means guaranteed). However some see it as exactly that ... no contact ... full stop ... you have moved on so leave me to move on.

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Jellybaby41 - I am sorry to hear that you were in a similar situation for 8 months. - Believe me, I would love to tell her my true feelings, but I don't want to sound weak and since I know it won't help, I won't do it.

 

 

I didn't mean for you to send a rambling text or email going on and on about your inner-most feelings. I agree that it could be perceived as being weak and wouldn't help at all. I meant a short yet poignant message. I basically sent a text to my ex saying I couldnt do the "friends" thing anymore. Goodbye. I love you. But then each relationship is different, each ending is different, each friendship thereafter is different. The message you are going to send is perfect for you. I hope all goes well.

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What are your actions saying... that you never want to see or talk to her again?

 

That's what you told her.

 

My actions are saying you dumped me you no longer get to know how I'm feeling or what is going on in my life.

 

I don't do friends with exes, but by all means OP go ahead and try to play a game to win back your ex.

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True..Actions speak louder than words! I mean, I did the same by not responding. I ignored her last 2 calls (been ~9-10months NC since then) because it wasn't important...sure, I wanted her back AND she knew this! It didn't mean that I had forgotten her, didn't love her anymore, or never wanted to see/talk to her again. It just meant that, I could no longer put myself through the pain while she was stringing me along. If she interpreted it as, I never want to talk to her again than that is HER problem.

 

Now, I think what struggling23 meant was...that message meant NOTHING and wasn't important enough to respond to. Struggling, would've probably acknowledged the message if it was important. Struggling23, correct me if I am wrong?

 

So many cases are different and I understand where you are coming from, badman.

 

gee

 

You are correct, if she was saying something important like my mom is sick, or my grandma in the hospital, or willing to talk about us for once I would have considered, but just because I haven't talked to her in 20 days she's just bored and curious wanting to know what I'm up to. Me replying would get me nowhere, just set me back to day 1 of NC. I'm putting myself first, if she takes it as me ignoring her or closing the door then so be it. I told her how I felt about her then went NC, nothing has changed .

 

I was just telling the OP he should have blocked her from MSN from the beginning, keeping her on MSN was just begging for her to msg you, trust me I did it as well when my ex fiance dumped me, ketp her on my msn and she would message me then I wouldn't reply, this time I blocked and deleted the same day I was dumped.

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BCR88,

 

From your original post, I think you want to respond and will regret it if you don't. I think a short message saying you don't want only a friendship is fine. If she contacts you again without indicating that she wants to get back together, then you can stay in NC without responding. In the past this is what I've done. Sometimes they come back. Sometimes they don't. But I've always been able to move forward in my healing knowing that I tried.

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Struggling23, yes you are right, if I would have started the NC just after our break up, then there would have been no reason to send her this email. But I didn't, we met couple of times after etc etc.(I WAS GETTING FRIENDONIZED)It's been 19 now days since I saw/spoke to her, she has noooo idea what I have been up to(and she won't know)

 

I think I have to send that email, not to play games or whatever, just telling that being friends isn't an option. That's all. I am not asking or begging her to come back. Just letting her know, and she will make her own conclusion. I am not even expecting an email back, because I am not asking anything, even if she replies, I won't answer.

 

I doesn't feel like I am going to break the NC by sending this small e-mail. She has tried to contact me 3 times now in 7 days. By sending this email, I let her go completely and I can finally get some rest in my mind knowing that she won't talk to me anymore and neither will I talk to her.

 

NextTime,

 

yes you are right, I need to send this email, I don't want to end on a bad note. telling her that a friendship isn't possible won't hurt me at all. If she contacts me again after, I then can ignore it all, but right now NC out of the blue without telling her is not the way to go I think.

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oke I sent it, without any regrets, but her answer was very cold and she sounds upset...

 

this is what she said(translated to english)

 

Hey,

 

Yes I was already thinking that, because you didn't answer.

I do think it's weird that after the last time we saw each other, you didn't talked to me anymore. And now instead of telling it on MSN, you send me an email.

 

But I understand, I also wish you good luck with everything,

 

N

 

I would like to send her something, but it's not even worth it. I expected a more warm email, but hey, that's life.

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