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Over a year later, I hurt like it was yesterday


Raistlin
Dream about your ex
Dream about your ex

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Today has been an extremely difficult morning for me, and I've been awake for 45 minutes.

 

I dreamt of my ex all night last night, and the dreams were torture. I dreamt of the wedding we never had. I dreamt of the house and kids we talked about. Mostly, I dreamt that someone loved me.

 

That hurts the worst.

 

I've had so many triggers this morning that are all piling up. Everything from the most basic thoughts leading to me thinking of her face, to music, to where I currently am. I'm at the same place, right now, where we first met and I half expect her to call me and say she's outside.

 

By far the worst trigger is that I just checked my e-mail hoping to hear back from an employer, and I just found out that she e-mailed me Happy Easter (I'm horrible at checking my e-mail).

 

WHY?!?! Why after so long would you contact me? Granted, it was part of a mass-email, but I don't believe there's any reason I should still be in her address book. I have 1 e-mail address that she knows about, but "Matt" had like 15. And.. my name starts with 'A' so it was among the first. If she took more than 2 seconds to compose the e-mail, she knew what she was doing.

 

My head is spinning and I can't stop shaking right now. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I haven't felt this stressed out in so long but I just can't control it this time.

 

Please, someone tell me it's going to be OK. I'm on the verge of an anxiety attack.

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We were together for 2.5 years.

 

We broke up twice. The first time, she left me. I was completely devastated, but other girls took interest so I was able to curb the pain. We got back together 3 months later, but were in contact the whole time so it wasn't like much changed in that time.

 

The second time, it was mostly a mutual decision because the relationship became very toxic for both of us. Neither of us would change to better the relationship, and we both kind of jumped ship at the same time. She pulled the plug, but I was right there helping her tug the cord.

 

I hate saying this, but I am still completely in love with her.. even though I doubt the fact that she ever loved me the same way.

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All I want you to know that everyone suffers when it comes to a break up, whether they were the dumper, dumpee, or even if it was mutual. The fact that you two were together for 2.5 years will always hurt you in a way, there's memories there, you know? I am still hurt over my 1.5 year break up, and it's been almost 2 months. All I can tell you is keep going strong, stick to NC for as long as you can until you are 100% healed, and do the things you love. I hear it takes half the time you were with that person to totally heal, so for me it's going to take a total of 8.5 months. You will probably take a year and 3 months, unfortunantly. But who knows- Maybe you'll find someone wonderful during this months, eh?

 

Chin up. There is hope. Always.

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I really appreciate the advice. I've been NC for 6 months, after we talked again for 2 weeks in November. I'm not going to contact her, even to request that she remove me from her address book.

 

I feel like I'm going to explode right now. Its about 75 degrees in here, and I'm shaking like its -40. I'm retching in silence and ignoring this lecture. I would pay someone to hug me right now, just so I could pretend it was OK for 2 seconds.

 

I thought I was over her. I hadn't thought about her seriously for months until her birthday rolled around. That was hard, but I moved past it quickly. Now, I'm sitting here, almost 22 years old, and ready to cry like a 2 year old. I'm reverting in the worst ways possible and I can't control it right now.

 

Honestly, I want to get in my car and drive really, really fast away from this town so the emotional triggers would stop. But, thinking about it, it would probably get worse because I hate being alone.

 

ARGH I want to scream right now. Just yell at the top of my lungs and clutch at my hair and start crying like there's no tomorrow.

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She knows that she sent you an email, trust me. Don't read into it. It is NOT a sign from the Reconciliation Gods.

 

Stick with no-contact. You need to be moving on with your life. Get out there and find a new mate. Don Juan said, “The best way to get over a lover is the next lover.”

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I hate saying this, but I am still completely in love with her.. even though I doubt the fact that she ever loved me the same way.

 

Nah, you just got a severe dose of "oneitis". This is a common disorder in those who -

 

* Believe that you had met and loved and lost your "soulmate".

 

* Have no other souces of intimacy or dating options.

 

* Have been in a toxic and addictive relationship.

 

* Hold the belief that a man's life purpose is to love and please a woman.

 

Dude, you are 21 years old- go out and sow some oats for another 10 years, or until you realise that YOU are the reason for you life not her.

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It is NOT a sign from the Reconciliation Gods.

 

Stick with no-contact. You need to be moving on with your life. Get out there and find a new mate. Don Juan said, “The best way to get over a lover is the next lover.”

 

The Reconciliation Gods lol..haha

 

they are way understaffed..

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Nah, you just got a severe dose of "oneitis". This is a common disorder in those who -

 

* Believe that you had met and loved and lost your "soulmate".

 

* Have no other souces of intimacy or dating options.

 

* Have been in a toxic and addictive relationship.

 

* Hold the belief that a man's life purpose is to love and please a woman.

 

Dude, you are 21 years old- go out and sow some oats for another 10 years, or until you realise that YOU are the reason for you life not her.

 

This is SO true. And OziJack is right - you are only 21; you're whole life is ahead of you. I know it's tough, but try to be thankful that you're going through this now, rather than at my age (34). It will be a learning experience for you.

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