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Angry!... Am i healing?


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So i'm firmly in NC with my ex at the moment, nearly 30 days. It's unannounced NC so knowing my ex, she's probably wondering why i'm not calling her at all.

 

Thing is, since the weekend, i've been feeling really angry. I can't seem to forget, forgive and get over the betrayal from my ex since she's now seeing the guy that was sniffing around after her shortly before our break up.

 

It doesn't help that although we broke up over 1 year ago (together nearly 4 years) everything has been staggered...

 

6 months post break up she tells me she "likes" the guy although clearly she "liked" him long before that, and only 3 months ago i find out she's seeing him..... it's been one thing after the other ya know, and i knew from day 1 it was going to happen, but i'm sure my ex shielded me from alot of it to protect my feelings.

 

I've clung on and on and been fed snippets of hope etc.... even sex a few months back which has simply prolonged it all.

 

So my question is, as i'm feeling angry about it, and i've only just gone into NC, i understand i've delayed my healing, but am i NOW beginning to heal? Is this normal?

 

Cheers.

 

pace of ace

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Hey Pace

 

Great to hear from you mate.

 

I think your angry feelings are quite normal, and you are experiencing them now because you allowed yourself to be dragged along.

 

I hope you can you this anger and somehow try to channel it into positive energy to kick your butt moving forward.

 

I know it is not easy but good for you for getting this far - keep strong mate.

 

Mark

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Hey Mark.

 

Always a pleasure to hear from you my friend. I agree, i think my feelings are normal and also justified. I just hope i'm not carrying this around for too long. I want to be free from it all now.

 

I tell you what though, if i ever experience another break-up again in my life, i will certaintly learn from all this.

 

When i've had other break-ups when i was younger, it wasn't really a problem 'cos i clearly didn't love them. But this one.... knocked me for 6... It knocked me for 12!!

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I think when we are finally sure of wanting to go NC and go for it, feelings of anger may come up as we finally allow ourselves to recognize the wrongs / mistakes / shortcomings of our ex. Before, when we were holding on to hope, we were idealizing them, or at least excusing them or refusing to see certain aspects, mainly how they abandoned us and totally quit the relationship. But being in denial we were not able or willing to see that.

 

I posted about being really angry about a week after sending my ex a letter stating I wanted no contact in order to heal and move on. I had been with him for about a year, then we had been broken up for 8 months when I sent the letter, and then my anger increased a lot. I am now willing to see not only my wrongs. weaknesses and mistakes, but his as well. I was angry at myself as well, because I had not allowed myself to see these parts of him and had idealised him, and because I have clung on to so much hope and had let him string me along for months.

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At least you didn't cling on for 24 months! At least you're going NC now and being really strong about it. I don't know what to say to make you feel better because I have never been in that exact situation, but one thing that helps me is to remember that i love ME first and I'll do whatever it takes to take care of ME the best way possible.. and that was to start NC and work on myself. You are doing that now, that's a brave step to have taken. It is never easy but it's better than living in limbo forever... *hug*

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At least you didn't cling on for 24 months! At least you're going NC now and being really strong about it. I don't know what to say to make you feel better because I have never been in that exact situation, but one thing that helps me is to remember that i love ME first and I'll do whatever it takes to take care of ME the best way possible.. and that was to start NC and work on myself. You are doing that now, that's a brave step to have taken. It is never easy but it's better than living in limbo forever... *hug*

 

 

Thanks ScorpiGal. I'll take that hug with gratitude

 

I know i am doing what's best for me now, but i'm going through i tough spell with it. I feel compelled to explain to my ex how i feel. I mean, we've stayed on good terms throughout and i know she cares for me, but i feel i need to speak to her about how i feel. I'm not sure i will though, but i do want to 'cos it's eating me up a bit.

 

I've been in limbo the whole time for sure. I wish my ex had never admitted back in January she still has feelings for me 'cos it really hasn't helped. In my mind there is still that element of hope that she'll see the error of her ways. That she's young and she'll realise how foolish she's been... but i kinda doubt it really.

 

She's asked if i wanna meet up around my birthday in 3 weeks time. I'm not sure what to do. I feel i might meet her and explain my feelings calmly, at least getting it off my chest will help ME.

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I agree scorpigirl

 

one of the reaosns I stayed (or didn,t address our issues when we were still together) was because of my low self-esteem (I felt like it was all my fault) and my fear of being without him (being alone and being without him - I had grown attached and there were parts of him I loved and I didn't want to face the fact that long term it wasn't going to work, the way things were).

 

and I clung on to hope after the break up for basically the same reasons. and he was just as passive after the break up as he was during the relarionhip. but I was blind and I couldn,t see it. I blames myslef constantly and tried to change myslef. Yes I did have some shortcomings and learned that I had to change and face myself and my issues. But both people have to do the work.

 

I clung for 8 months. should I hate myself? OP, you need to forgive yourself.

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I still struggle with whether I should contact him to tell him the other side of how I feel.. The letter I sent him basically said "I still have feelings for you and I need nc in order to heal and move on but if you ever wish to consider a reconciliation you can contact me and if I am available we could talk about it"... It's like I was still putting him on a pedestal and never told him how he affected the relationhsip negativelly. It was always me who had done things wrong and who apologised (in previous converstaions we had after the break up but before I sent the letter). Now I feel like I have been a fool yet again... I just don't know. Maybe we should talk to them again... the thing is... do they want to hear it? I think my ex doesn't want to. he basically has "moved on" and will learn his lessons in the next relationhip maybe. what makes me mad too though is how he supposedly wanted to "stay friends"... our friendship was awkward and felt strange. I didn't want those little morsels of friendship in the form of telephone converstations... anyway whatever you do remember it is all for learning and healing.

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Yeah couldn't agree more here. My ex has always said she's desperate not to lose me, and that i'm "still a huge part of her life" but i basically get crumbs. How can i be a huge part of your life if i know barely anything about it now? How are we friends when you don't invite me to you're birthday celebration? (oh right, it's because the other guy will be there)

 

Basically, my ex and i have admitted on numerous occasions that we mean more to each other than friends..... but we're not lovers. So i'm basically in no mans land really, she sees me as more important to be just a friend, but not important enough to be a lover.

 

I know it's easy to be blinkered when it comes to an ex, but she has told me off her own back numerous times about how we mean more to each other than friends etc.... but where's the evidence of that??

 

I know i was needy in the relationship, but my ex never made an issue of it, and clearly to her it was. So instead of talking to me about it properly, she unattached herself and left. Everyone has their faults, but i know our relationship could have been salvaged.

 

For large parts (practically all) of our relationship we we very happy togther.

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I think anger is normal, and comes in different forms (different triggers or thoughts) at different stages. Maybe you were a bit in shock at first and are now feeling your reaction more fully?

 

A nice dumper is an oxymoron. They prolong the hope, confusion and hurt for the dumpee, and delay healing, IMO.

 

I felt anger fully last week after 5 months from our official parting (30 years together, and uncertainty on his part for the last 3) and thought, why this anger now? Upon reflecting, I realize many things occurred that gave me hope or prolonged my feeling of connection to him, mostly because his behavior, calling, doing things together, him insisting that he will always be there for me and will help me (he'd list the ways, which were ways he's promised for years as my mate). Primarily, he has been too nice, not wanting to hurt me or for me to be angry at him. In fact, he's was nicer after the break.

 

Those kind of behaviors give mixed messages, and make if very confusing for the dumpee. Thursday we had a phone conversation (broke NC for business, but conversation turned to "us") where he said some things that made me openly angry (but calm, not abusive). He was frustrated by my angry tone, said he couldn't answer my questions because I'd just get angry. Others may disagree about asking questions of the dumper BUT, I felt that was the beginning of closure for me. I'd been angry earlier in the week, before we talked, but it was nonspecific. Once I had that anger in a conversation with him, it allowed me to let the anger go, and I don't feel it much now. The conversation gave me a better picture of where I stood in relation to him (from MY point of view), making his stance more unacceptable to me. Easier to go NC, with a feeling that the blocks to my healing are diminished.

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Journeynow,

 

it's nice to hear from someone such as yourself who came out of a 30 year relationhip and who brings such wisdom and experience to the forum.

 

you seem a very strong and clearminded person. do you think that for people like OP and myslef, we should contact our exs to express our anger (in a calm non abusive way like you discribed)? I feel like I cheated myself by letting him go without expressing it (please read my previous post regarding that in this thred), but several people here have told me that I should send another letter or contact him as he lost the priviledge of hearing about my feelings when he dumped me...

 

I feel like my goodbye letter to him was so nice, that it gave him exactly what he wanted : a way out of our new "friendship" and out of contact with me and the guilt that came with it, and no sense of personal responsibility (I balmed myslef and not him).

 

thanks

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I too am not a ranter of a raver so any conversations on this with my ex will be dealt with calmly and with dignity. But i too have made it far too easy on my ex. Even when she told me she was seeing him and i expressed my feelings of hurt and betrayal i was "nice" about it.

 

It's only really now i feel i have to let her know that her actions have not just been brushed aside or forgiven and that if she truly wants me in her life like she says then she'll have to think about what i am to her.

 

I know my ex instead of facing up with tough decisions tends to ignore them in the hope they'll go away.

 

When she told me she was seeing this guy, (the same night we ended up sleeping together again) she told me she didn't know what to do, because she didn't want to lose me..... but she hasn't done anything since to keep me, aside from keep me at arms length and not let me go, and i wonder if she's wondering whether or not she has now lost me..... i'm rambling a little now. lol

 

I feel if i mean us much to her as she says i do, she should know that this hasn't just gone away. As a person, i'm a talker and i like to get my problems out there. Meaning if i feel someone has let me down, i feel i should tell them and explain.

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Hi again Pace

 

Well if you feel you need her to explain because she has let you down and you honestly think it will help YOU, then sure - go ahead and do it.

 

But - I just don't think you will feel any better, and in fact I am sure you will feel much worse because what is she going to say? Yeah, I know, and I am sorry but you are such a good friend to me. I think it will just leave you in the lurch again.

 

I really don't buy this friendship thing. You are such a huge part of her life apparently, but all you get is crumbs. And you don't want a friendship anyway, do you?

 

Jeesh, she sounds pretty darn selfish to me to keep on giving you false hope all this time. Perhaps it is time to use your anger to tell yourself that you won't put up with this bulls$it any longer. Until then, you are just gonna remain clinging, mr nice guy, always in the background when it suits her.

 

I am not saying it is easy, I know you loved this girl. But you have to be realistic here and look at how long this has dragged on. And it drags on for no other reason than you let it.

 

As I say, If you think you might find it theraputic to get her to explain herself, then all well and good. But just make sure that you aren't secretly hoping that this conversation will turn her around and bring her back to you then more pain coming your way.

 

Mate, I try not to be too blunt, but when are you to say enough is enough and leave her to get on with it? Sure, she may come around, but really I have to ask you this. She doesn't seem to give a damn about your feeling, so why wait around.

 

ScorpiGal gave you some wonderful advice back there. Do you want to be in limbo forever?

 

When you do the same thing and keep getting the same results then maybe it is time for a change?

 

Mark

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Hey Mark,

 

Well i feel right now i am in the process of saying enough is enough. I am currently in NC for my healing and not as a goal to get her back. I haven't initiated contact with her for nearly 30 days now, and nor shall i. She last contacted me about 2 weeks ago asking if i wanna have a meet on my birthday. I didn't answer directly but we did exchange a few texts.

 

I am 100% at the stage of doing things for me now but i fear i wont fully move on whilst i'm harbouring such resentment, and i guess i'm looking for opinions on it. And i always value your opinions Mark.

 

I am definitely letting her get on with things now, but i suppose i'm looking for a way to let go of this feeling of betrayal which is eating at me.

 

I'm not intersted at being "friends" at this stage, 'cos that would just be foolish of me. It's taken me along time to get to where i am as you know, because i've been in the denial and bargaining stages for such a long time. I know i am moving forwards slowly even though sometimes it doesn't feel like it.

 

I know i can't switch my feelings off for her, and i know i can't stop my thoughts and feelings on it, but i know i can do myself a favour and stay away from her and let myself recover, which is what i'm doing. Better late than never eh!

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I know i am doing what's best for me now, but i'm going through i tough spell with it. I feel compelled to explain to my ex how i feel. I mean, we've stayed on good terms throughout and i know she cares for me, but i feel i need to speak to her about how i feel. I'm not sure i will though, but i do want to 'cos it's eating me up a bit.

It’s normal to want to share what you feel with the ex but don’t ever do it. They really don’t care how you feel, they are too caught up in their own feelings and all you’ll end up doing is adding to their guilt which isn’t helpful. On top of that it makes you look pathetic that you are still dwelling on it which is a major turnoff. It’s actually more beneficial if you give the impression that you don’t care about her and you are just fine being broken up. Remember they always want what they can’t have.

I've been in limbo the whole time for sure. I wish my ex had never admitted back in January she still has feelings for me 'cos it really hasn't helped. In my mind there is still that element of hope that she'll see the error of her ways. That she's young and she'll realise how foolish she's been... but i kinda doubt it really.
She may realize it later but for now it’s too early. Also that admitting they still have feelings does not mean they want you back, they are just trying to alleviate their own guilt and it has nothing to do with you. When they say stuff like that ignore it. She probably regretted saying that the minute it came out of her mouth but she’d never admit that in order to protect your feelings. Ignore what they say and watch what they do, actions speak louder than words.

She's asked if i wanna meet up around my birthday in 3 weeks time. I'm not sure what to do. I feel i might meet her and explain my feelings calmly, at least getting it off my chest will help ME.
No, I would not do this. You might as well tell your feeling to a wall as far as she would be concerned. It would not help you because it will just make her feel more guilty. It might seem to help at first but after a while you may end up regretting it.

 

In this situation, to earn her respect back you need to take a stand. That means telling her no, you do not want to meet up and don’t talk about your feelings or personal life with her. If she thinks you are even remotely pursuing her (talking about how you feel qualifies) then she will keep her distance. Once you stop and try to distance yourself from her then that’s when they start to come around.

 

Believe me, I’ve been there more than once. My soon to be ex-wife left me 3 (yes 3!) times over the past year which means I got her back twice. Now I’m seeing someone new and pushing to finalize my divorce since I’m in the anger stage plus I wasn’t too kind to her in the past couple of email exchanges. Wouldn’t you know now she’s gotten soft on me again and hints about not wanting the divorce even though she is living with another man. I’m betting dollars to donuts she wants me back again but I’m not going back down that road with her. This of course makes me even more attractive in her eyes lol.

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Maybe i'm holding onto all this s**t because i currently have no other dating options so i'm clinging onto my feelings for my ex.

 

Late last year i met a girl, was a rebound thing really but it definitely raised my mood as i realised it's not all about my ex.

 

Maybe once i meet another great girl it wont bother me so much. Is this valid??

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do you think that for people like OP and myslef, we should contact our exs to express our anger (in a calm non abusive way like you discribed)?

 

I just wrote a long reply, and it disappeared when I tried to submit it. The gist of it was, I don't know. I'm not sure how my situation compares, you may be further along in the break up and recovery process? Not sure how that might factor in. I just don't know. This is my first break up....

 

NC was broken today, was nonchalant, but I had not intended to take the call. I'm tired, more than emotional now...

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I think i've decided i'm not going to mention anything to her.

 

She knows how i feel about it and talking of actions speaking louder than words, by me noticably not calling her, chaseing her or giving her attention is as good as telling her that i deem what's gone on as unacceptable.

 

Someone once said silence can be deafening.

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...do you think that for people like OP and myslef, we should contact our exs to express our anger (in a calm non abusive way like you discribed)? I feel like I cheated myself by letting him go without expressing it ...

 

I've thought more on this and realize something key...what was important in my shift was NOT that I expressed the anger to him, but that I identified for myself an attitude of his that I cannot compromise myself for.

 

...The letter I sent him basically said "I still have feelings for you and I need nc in order to heal and move on but if you ever wish to consider a reconciliation you can contact me and if I am available we could talk about it"... It's like I was still putting him on a pedestal and never told him how he affected the relationship negatively....

 

1MoreChance, I think it is ok to let the first letter stand as it is. If you come back together for reconciliation or friendship, maybe that is the time to discuss how his behavior impacted your relationship negatively, and that is something to consider in any further relationship.

 

Still, the choice about another letter is up to you, go with your gut. Perhaps write it, mail it to yourself, and reread it when it arrives, and then decide if it should go to him. In any case, write it out, journal it, express it in some way...don't bottle it up...so it can be healed.

 

From what I've read here, online on other sites, and recently in books, it is very common for the dumpee to feel guilty and take the blame at first, but move to understanding the dumper's responsibility, or irresponsibility, which is where the anger comes in as well as some clarity. For me, the shift came as a feeling "Hey, I dump YOU." I didn't express this to him, but accepting this, even welcoming it, has given me more moments of calm. At least for now.

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