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Superficiality is killing me...please help...


dflq123
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i used to be fine with clubbing and partying and all that stuff, although i was never heavily into it.

 

Then i met and dated my first girlfriend. In that relationship i got really posessive, (but not controlling) and i started feeling bad when she found other men attractive, or from the fact that she had once had casual sex with another guy. She liked to party more than me and was more sexually liberal than me, and because of that the concept of sex and partying and clubbing and superficiality all started to really bother me because part of me felt like she wasnt all mine.

 

one example is she thought dancing with other guys/girls while in a relationship was ok, and that drove me nuts-even though she never did it because it would have hurt me, its the concept that she was ok with it more than i was that bugged me.

 

anyways we broke up, and since then ive been terribly afraid of/uncomfortable with all of that stuff- anytime one of my friends checks out a girl, mentions going to a club, or says anything relating to superficiality or sex i feel grief and distress, because i think of how my ex must be out there doing all that stuff and my posessive nature cant handle it. I want her to be mine and all mine, and the fact that she embraced superficial things and sexual human nature more than me has driven me to mental anguish at the mention of anything like that.

 

help

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You don't need to compromise you own values, but if you expect to impose them on someone else who doesn't share them, you'll have extremely fragile and short-lived relationships.

 

You can use your values as a screening device to filter out girls who don't share them, but delving into someone's history to hold aspects of it against her is a toxic, manipulative, and yes--controlling thing to do.

 

This isn't some moral finger-wag, it's just that what you're doing to your own head when you cater to the belief that you can 'possess' someone else isn't practical, productive or healthy.

 

There are plenty of superficial things in the world, and they aren't the problem. We all get to decide the degree to which we engage superficiality, and it's of no particular threat to you or to any girl who shares your aversion to it. However, your possessiveness and inability to reconcile that no GF in her right mind will be willing or able to live in a controlled cocoon within the limits of your fantasy--that's the problem. Start there.

 

In your corner.

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